Anyone actually dated a narcissist?

  • davidchill45

    Posts: 55

    Feb 15, 2014 7:25 PM GMT
    I've been dating this guy--long distance--for about four months, and, while it was love at first site for me (and, presumably him as well, because, well, he said so)...I'm really beginning to think I've found a narcissist that jumped straight out of the textbook---

    After reading what seems like hundreds of articles about this particular "personality disorder" (for lack of a better phrase), I've found the following...

    *We're right at the four month mark--a point which narcissists tend to change the dynamic in the dating relationship. What were once romantic texts and phone calls throughout the day have diminished in frequency, as well as tone.

    I get that fact that every relationship goes through a honeymoon period--but this is almost night and day.

    I point out the four month mark specifically because one article said right at four months was a key time marker--weird.

    *He is 6'2", and tends to take bigger strides than me when we're wallking somewhere, but, since the beginning, he always ends up 20 or 30 feet ahead of me. However, when I've brought it up (couples walk together, strangers do not walk together, ya know), it's my responsibility to "keep up".

    *Little empathy, if any, for any of my emotional stuff. When he responds, he somehow always makes that one vulnerable moment that I might be going through about HIS feelings or reactions.

    *His idea of emotional gifting when I like to put our relationship on the "philosophical wash cycle"--"So, what else do you want to know about me"?

    *In the minutia of life, I'll ask specifically "how is friend A, B, or C? How is work? How is your dog?"....on and on. I get NONE of those questions, ever.

    *Disregard for putting any identifiable effort into maintaining, and cultivating, our relationship--broken promises to call or Skype, etc., when I've brought it up (trust me, we've had one of "those talks"), it is "life gets in the way", and "I'm forgetful".

    Funny, when we were doing the courting dance, life didn't get in the way, and his memory was sharp.

    I've got dozens of more examples, this's and thats, that, at the time, I thought were me just overthinking everything (I tend to do that anyway, which makes dating a narcissist even worse for the other person)---and, I can elaborate if this thread gains traction...

    But, in the meantime, a little feedback, first hand experiences, etc. would be helpful.

    While there is a lot of literature about Narcissistic Personality Disorder out there, there's very little, if any, directly through the lens of the gay dating/relationship community.

    Thanks in advance.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 15, 2014 8:06 PM GMT
    What does your gut tell you to do?
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    Feb 15, 2014 11:16 PM GMT
    You put together a case why the guy isn't right for you.
    Now you want the jury to weigh in.

    I'll let you in on a little secret-- just because you get people to agree with you, doesn't make something true. It's not an attack on you. It could apply to any thread on the forum.

    As an adult you can decide if you want to be with the guy and if the relationship is working for you. And if it's not you can communicate with the guy and try to work on your relationship together or end things.
  • andrewVonPelt

    Posts: 53

    Feb 15, 2014 11:53 PM GMT
    no. would be weird dating myself
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    Feb 15, 2014 11:56 PM GMT
    So when exactly did you start reading up on NPD? 'Cause if you're at the four month mark and you are apparently "well read" on the topic, it sounds like you've known something isn't right for a while - ?
  • Chainers

    Posts: 375

    Feb 16, 2014 12:14 AM GMT
    Yea I went on a couple of dates with one. Kind of annoying as his only conversation techniques were "I make 6 figures" (he was in his 40's too and I found this to be unimpressive) and "everyone wants to sleep with me everywhere I go" etc. After a while, I realized that there is a reason why he is single for so long.
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    Feb 16, 2014 1:31 AM GMT
    I'm pretty sure all gay men have at some point. Last guy I dated def was one. I know it's hard to let go of something you put so much effort into and might have had dreams for. And it's going to hurt a little once it's over..but trust me you're worth more and can do better. This guy is not the one for you and obviously sees you as little value.
  • Kalifornicati...

    Posts: 242

    Feb 16, 2014 1:33 AM GMT
    Just live here in Los Angeles. The ultimate city of narcissistic people.
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    Feb 16, 2014 1:51 AM GMT
    If he's a real narcissist, it may get much worse, run away!! icon_eek.gif

    The one thing that keeps narcissist victims with their perpetrators even when they realize they're being leeched is the fear of not being able to find someone of the same caliber. Narcissists prey on lower league pools precisely to exert this effect on their victims.

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    Feb 16, 2014 2:03 AM GMT
    One of my ex was a total narcissist (like DSM NPD to a T). If you're thinking about sticking it out or learning more about the hidden pain makes these people act the way they do I'd highly recommend:

    9780743214285_p0_v1_s300x.JPG

    It was really eye opening! It gives specific strategies for how to deal with the narcissist in your life as well as a chapter on being in a romantic relationship with one.
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    Feb 16, 2014 2:04 AM GMT
    A narcissist is someone who keeps getting between you and the mirror.
  • BlackBeltGuy

    Posts: 2609

    Feb 16, 2014 2:13 AM GMT
    Kalifornication saidJust live here in Los Angeles. The ultimate city of narcissistic people.


    I usually say to people when they ask me about living in Los Angeles, picture living in a city where every superlative in your high school yearbook from "best looking" to "most likely to succeed" all live on the same block and are facing the disease of aging.

    you are correct kalifornication. Thats why I escape and live pt time in Palm springs.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Feb 16, 2014 3:06 AM GMT
    As a couple of others have said, it's plain that this just doesn't feel "right", and really, that's all you need to know.

  • Kalifornicati...

    Posts: 242

    Feb 16, 2014 3:31 AM GMT
    Greekboxer said
    Kalifornication saidJust live here in Los Angeles. The ultimate city of narcissistic people.


    I usually say to people when they ask me about living in Los Angeles, picture living in a city where every superlative in your high school yearbook from "best looking" to "most likely to succeed" all live on the same block and are facing the disease of aging.

    you are correct kalifornication. Thats why I escape and live pt time in Palm springs.


    I get it, it can be so ridiculous. Thankfully I have really great grounded friends that make the city more enjoyable or I would be a drunk.

    I love PS, we go out regularly. In fact we are going in two weeks for four days.
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    Feb 16, 2014 3:43 AM GMT
    I had an unfortunate run-in with a narcissist. It started off great, he told me things I wanted to hear, gave me "attention" (by sending me texts about what he was doing or selfies of himself- HA!)all day. This is a narcissists MO. They hook you, and when they pull away, they like the feeling of you coming after them. They like having power over your emotions.

    After a while I started realizing he didn't know a thing about me...because he never asked! He had no interest in me as a person, he just wanted his own personal cheerleader to tell him how awesome and funny he was, how good he looked, etc.

    You really do dictate how people treat you, or at the very least, who is in your life at all. Nowadays I know what to look for and if I catch a whiff of that behavior I run the other way.
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    Feb 16, 2014 3:53 AM GMT
    I also got really interested in narcissism and researched the hell out of it and what really struck a chord with me is that they are so insecure that they create a fantasy persona, if you will, and they need this to be validated by other people. This validation comes from manipulating in many, many different ways. They make you feel good about yourself, or they make you feel pity for them, or they tear you down to make you believe nobody else wants you. Really toxic shit, you need to stay far away from these people
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    Feb 16, 2014 4:15 AM GMT
    eraserhead said

    Yes. The guy I got involved with made me feel like the center of the world for a good while then totally flipped like a light switch overnight.

    He probably had no idea who he was. Spent most of his time showering himself with symbols of masculinity - tattoos, motorbikes, cock piercings, the clothes, the facade... ugh. All he did was talk about his "fascinating" life, loved to mention his ex who broke his heart, hardly gave a damn about anything came out of my mouth. And I fell for it because he was admittedly pretty fucking hot and my hormones were just crazy for him. I'm avoiding him now of course. But for awhile I was hooked.

    I don't know why I'm taking his rejection so hard. He's such a joke. But the human body does crazy things to your brain when it finds someone it wants to procreate with (not that us gays can do that haha).


    I took it harder than I should've too, because I hadn't been attracted like that to anyone in a dogs age. And when it seemed like he liked me back all brain functioning ceased to exist. I'm kind of glad it happened though, I learned so much about my self-worth and what I'm looking for.
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    Feb 16, 2014 4:36 AM GMT
    Plenty of fish in the sea, drop the narcissistic ones.
    It'll only be time wasted honestly.
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    Feb 16, 2014 6:27 AM GMT
    My last boyfriend was a classic narcissist. His family is extremely wealthy, so he has never had to deal with earning a living in order to survive, or the stress of not having basic needs. He is extremely spoiled, selfish, and self-absorbed. But he was also incredibly charming.

    My mistake was feeling like I was a more worthwhile person simply because someone such as him could find me attractive. My mistake was believing that he would mature, and be able to grow together in a relationship, rather than dump me once he became bored--which is exactly what he did.

    The danger with narcissists isn't that they are egocentric or willfully manipulative. As distinguished from psychopaths, narcissists don't necessarily behave the way they do because they have a desire to do harm (of course, some people are both narcissistic and psychopathic). The most painful thing about being with a narcissist is that you fall so in love with them, that you begin to believe that your self-worth is measured in terms of what they think of you. And when they dump you, the consequences are far more devastating than the usual rejection, because the longer you are with them, the more you believe the world revolves around them.

    That's what happened to me. I found myself constantly working to demonstrate my love for him, and craved any sign of appreciation or acknowledgement. But it all fell on deaf ears, because for someone who has had everything in life handed to them, what meaning does it have for your boyfriend to help you out? It meant nothing to him. He pursued *me*. And once he got what he wanted and the novelty wore off, he dropped me.

    And that is what will happen to you, if you date a narcissist. Their behavior is about asserting control in the relationship as a means of reinforcing the worldview that they are the only person that matters. Avoid these people like the plague. They are parasites. That they may not mean to be complete dicks doesn't change the fact that they are.
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    Feb 16, 2014 6:41 AM GMT
    It sounds as if You Guys gave it a shot and You are merely discovering that there is not enough common ground to justify a true LTR.

    No harm there - unless you take it upon Yourself to analyze Him and take his personal inventory in a vain attempt to place blame on Him for the two of You not riding off into the sunset together.

    Life is a series of experiences - this was just another one for You.

    icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif
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    Feb 16, 2014 7:08 AM GMT
    You don't have to have a diagnosis to be an asshole. If he doesn't show at least as much interest in you as you do of him, walk away. But sometimes narcissistic behavior is a sign of paranoid personality disorder, any sign of that and run, fast.
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    Feb 16, 2014 10:34 AM GMT
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    Feb 16, 2014 11:01 AM GMT
    davidchill45 saidI've been dating this guy--long distance--for about four months, and, while it was love at first site for me (and, presumably him as well, because, well, he said so)...I'm really beginning to think I've found a narcissist that jumped straight out of the textbook---

    After reading what seems like hundreds of articles about this particular "personality disorder" (for lack of a better phrase), I've found the following...

    *We're right at the four month mark--a point which narcissists tend to change the dynamic in the dating relationship. What were once romantic texts and phone calls throughout the day have diminished in frequency, as well as tone.

    I get that fact that every relationship goes through a honeymoon period--but this is almost night and day.

    I point out the four month mark specifically because one article said right at four months was a key time marker--weird.

    *He is 6'2", and tends to take bigger strides than me when we're wallking somewhere, but, since the beginning, he always ends up 20 or 30 feet ahead of me. However, when I've brought it up (couples walk together, strangers do not walk together, ya know), it's my responsibility to "keep up".

    *Little empathy, if any, for any of my emotional stuff. When he responds, he somehow always makes that one vulnerable moment that I might be going through about HIS feelings or reactions.

    *His idea of emotional gifting when I like to put our relationship on the "philosophical wash cycle"--"So, what else do you want to know about me"?

    *In the minutia of life, I'll ask specifically "how is friend A, B, or C? How is work? How is your dog?"....on and on. I get NONE of those questions, ever.

    *Disregard for putting any identifiable effort into maintaining, and cultivating, our relationship--broken promises to call or Skype, etc., when I've brought it up (trust me, we've had one of "those talks"), it is "life gets in the way", and "I'm forgetful".

    Funny, when we were doing the courting dance, life didn't get in the way, and his memory was sharp.

    I've got dozens of more examples, this's and thats, that, at the time, I thought were me just overthinking everything (I tend to do that anyway, which makes dating a narcissist even worse for the other person)---and, I can elaborate if this thread gains traction...

    But, in the meantime, a little feedback, first hand experiences, etc. would be helpful.

    While there is a lot of literature about Narcissistic Personality Disorder out there, there's very little, if any, directly through the lens of the gay dating/relationship community.

    Thanks in advance.



    Maybe he's narcissistic, but then again, maybe you're dependent? Impossible to tell from just one post, but either way, he's not that into you anymore but he hasn't got the chutzpah or the social skills to break it off. You do it, you know you want to.
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    Feb 16, 2014 12:00 PM GMT
    I haven't dated one, but my father had strong tendencies. If you're feeling neglected or "less than," go find some love and respect with someone else.

    You're wasting your time with this guy.
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    Feb 16, 2014 1:05 PM GMT
    RedFlags.jpg