No one's gonna care, but I feel like sharing this story of mine.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 15, 2014 9:48 PM GMT
    I used to be friend with this guy. He was always a weird guy in high school. When my friends and I would joke about each other being gay, he'd very visibly sweat and start getting red. We would pick up on this, and (jokingly) ask him to come out to us. I'll never forget his reaction the first time we seriously asked him if he liked guys, while we were all driving to a party.

    "No, I'm not!" he retorted. "I don't like guys, I don't. I don't even like being around guys who like guys! Especially the loud ones, 'cause they're always hitting on me. I'm not... I have a girlfriend."

    Of course, we all knew he didn't, and after we dropped him off at his place after the party, we discussed it. He had quite a bit to lose by coming out, was the consensus among us. He was on the varsity swim team, so it probably wouldn't have been favorable for him to come out to his teammates. That said, we also discussed the possibility that he wasn't gay, and just a homophobe. It was probable, but even the homophobes at school didn't freak out the way he did when people called them gay. And that didn't explain why he lied about having a girlfriend.

    I should go on to say that I had a thing for him Junior year of high school. In fact, it wasn't until I was walking with him down the hall between class periods that I stopped hating myself for liking other guys. He was the one that triggered me to accept myself for who I was. I remember looking at him one day and thinking, "Heh, he's just scared. I think he just needs someone to protect him." I weighed 170 pounds then, and from then on, made it my goal to get in shape for him. Cue a few months later, when I was barely 100 pounds. I was skinny as f*** now, but I thought that was better than being overweight.

    I was closeted at that point too, but I remember always sneaking a few glances his way during classes. Once or twice, I'd see him do the same, and my heart would always stop. Was he looking at me because he liked me, I wondered. Or was he doing it because he suspected my attraction? We continued doing this for a long time, and neither of us ever brought it up during a conversation, though I made my attraction slightly more obvious. He was never a big eater, so he'd usually give me a half of his sandwich during lunch. I'd always laugh, and say "Well, I can't say no to a lady."

    Occasionally, I'd hang out with my other male friends during class, but I would always keep an eye out for the brunette swimmer. He would still pass me glances, and I would swear there was an unfathomable amount of loneliness and longingness in his eyes, like he was a little jealous.

    High school ended, and nothing ever came of our relationship. We had worked together for 4 or 5 summers already, but this was the first time he avoided me. We barely spoke or hung out that summer.

    The first year of college starts, and we both go our separate ways. He got a swim scholarship, I got a few grants because of my grades and volunteer service time. I spent the time in college working hard, both physically and mentally. Once spring semester ended, I had jumped from a 110 lb high school senior to a 155 lb college guy. He had remained the same, maybe he had gotten a little skinnier. Cue the first day of the pool, where I go to hang out with a few sorta-friends. "Wow, you hit puberty," they all shouted. I laughed, and we caught up. That was when I saw him again. He said hi to everyone, paying no significant amount of attention to me, and walked off to resume his lifeguard job. As I left, I went to wave goodbye. He didn't notice. I didn't really care, I was dating someone at the time; someone I loved and cared for. But I couldn't help but feel a little betrayed. This guy, the one I once wanted to protect and keep close, wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Even when I tried to rekindle our friendship by inviting him to hang out with mutual friends or go to the gym, he would agree, at first, and then blow me off at the last second.

    That's life, I guess.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 15, 2014 10:46 PM GMT
    I feel for you.
    We've all had friends who we've helped or protected turn cold on us.