Concerned about a friend - advice appreciated!

  • Tritimium

    Posts: 261

    Dec 20, 2008 2:43 AM GMT
    Hi guys

    I was recently introduced to an old gentleman - he was keen to offer assistance with some music stuff I've been involved with in the run-up to Christmas. He's an expert in his field, and has been incredibly kind and helpful, way beyond what is 'normal': I'm deeply indebted to him, as are many people, in fact.

    The problem is - and he's told me about it - that he has grown so used to helping others (which stems from having had to look after an ill relative for many years) that he neglects his own well-being. For instance, his diet is appalling, simply because he won't devote the time or energy to cooking decently for himself.

    Naturally, I can't help feeling concerned, though I fully understand (and am humbled by) his perspective. Should I even try to get him to look after himself more? It's his diet that worries me mainly!

    Thoughts would be appreciated, with thanks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 3:09 AM GMT
    I don't know how well you know your friend as you were just introduced to him. Just talk to him and get to know him first before you go any further.

    As you get to know him better you will find out how to respond best.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 3:10 AM GMT
    Why not cook him some meals for the week as a Thank You for everything he has done? Take him to the gym with you? Go for walks or a bike ride with him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 3:51 AM GMT


    gymguy1 those are 'number one' suggestions. Heheh

    ....what completely nice things to do!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 8:35 AM GMT
    The answer to your friend's problem is quite simple. It's called therapy. Rather than replicating the helper/ helped pattern, you'd be far better off encouraging him to get into therapy, and then supporting his changes in caring for himself
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    Dec 20, 2008 8:48 AM GMT
    badladmark saidThe answer to your friend's problem is quite simple. It's called therapy. Rather than replicating the helper/ helped pattern, you'd be far better off encouraging him to get into therapy, and then supporting his changes in caring for himself


    I think one needs to earn "the right to be heard" before making such intimate suggestions. Therapy is probably just the ticket, but coming from a recent acquaintance, such a suggestion could be taken as offensive, and may well elicit the opposite response.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Dec 20, 2008 11:27 AM GMT
    Ok you're concerned
    'Lest you get embroiled in a codependent Hip-hop dance
    Bring him a take home dinner once .. and say that you're were surprised about his poor diet and LEAVE it There

    This is a Grown man
    Who has the resources I'm assuming
    and the smarts to get his own food
    This looks and sounds like a tender trap
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 1:10 PM GMT
    Fortunately for everybody, there are such selfless people around... I think that if he has become adhered to this way, I don't think it will be easily changed. The way I see it, is that he needs to know that he is a blessing to others, and he needs to look after himself so he can continue to bless others as much as he would like.

    The other thing is to just find a circle of friends that will accept him and bless him. Invite him out for lunch and such. Get to know him and try to encourage those who he gives to, to give back a little.

    I'm glad you've responded to this man's kindness, but I do agree, get to know him a little better before you try anything.