Sex life over before it's even begun? Depressed, and need help.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 16, 2014 6:59 PM GMT
    I've made a thread about this before, but it's really starting to affect me now and I would really appreciate some advice...

    I'm 23 and I've never had full intercourse with another guy (or girl, for that matter). When I was 15, I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, and I had 2 surgeries at the age of 16 to remove the majority of my colon (I do go to the bathroom "normally").

    Although I've never had sex, I always imagined myself as being a bottom (slightly versatile, but a bottom for the most part). It's what turned me on the most whenever I thought of being intimate with another guy.

    Well a few months ago, I found out from my surgeon that I am not able to have receptive anal sex, due to the surgeries I had (it could be potentially dangerous to me and my partner).

    Since finding this out, I've fallen into an even greater depression because I feel "sexually disabled". I know I can be a top, but the thought of it just doesn't turn me on as much...I've even started to think to myself "if I can only be a top, I might as well just have sex with women, right?" and have found myself being slightly more attracted to women than usual lately...but growing up, I always knew I was attracted to the same sex.

    Anyway, I really don't know how to cope with this. I feel paralyzed, and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel like I'll never be able to accept this, and I'll end up being alone forever. I've even had suicidal thoughts because I feel like I'll never fully experience a real sex life/intimacy with someone. Basically, I feel like a freak and no one will understand my situation.

    How do I deal with this?
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    Feb 16, 2014 7:27 PM GMT
    southbeach1500 saidYou should see a counselor or therapist. That's the real, concrete thing you can do. I'm sure others here will offer some advice and emotional support and that may help also, but the single most important thing to do is to see that counselor or therapist. You'll find there's much more to sex than just "anal." icon_wink.gif


    This.
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    Feb 16, 2014 7:44 PM GMT
    Hmm I'm sure there's a way around this..maybe find a guy who's really into riming or something there has to be a way
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    Feb 16, 2014 8:24 PM GMT
    southbeach1500 saidYou should see a counselor or therapist. That's the real, concrete thing you can do. I'm sure others here will offer some advice and emotional support and that may help also, but the single most important thing to do is to see that counselor or therapist. You'll find there's much more to sex than just "anal." icon_wink.gif


    Southbeach has it right for sure!

    Off-topic, but I'm really liking your contributions to threads lately, SB!
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    Feb 16, 2014 8:39 PM GMT
    as they said above you need to talk to a professional because this matter is very delicate.
    I can tell u something about some sexual experience i had that u might relate....i usually am into anal sex (as they call it bottom) so i dont usually feel like topping....but a few months ago i meet this really cute guy...amazing and sweet and super hot...great in bed and everything but the problem was he was a vers and he liked to be topped from time to time....it was kinda weird at the begging me to top my top but in time i found real pleasure in it.My point is if you find the right guy and take your time in getting to know each other and u are comparable like he being a vers then you will overcome your limitations.Good luck and dont be depressed you are young and beautiful!
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    Feb 16, 2014 9:31 PM GMT
    YourName2000 saidYeah, I have to agree with SB, too. It sounds like the biggest obstacle to you having a fulfilling relationship with awesome sex is your fear that it won't be possible. A therapist can help you work through that.

    It may surprise you to know that in surveys where gay men were asked "what sexual things did you do the last time you had sex", only a relatively small number had anal sex (in either position)...something like 30% as I recall. A lot of us talk a good game, but most get all the satisfaction we desire from making out, frottage, mutual masturbation, and oral. I've had a couple of great relationships with amazing men where we never had anal sex at all. Look at all the cuddle threads on here...a lot of (even experienced) guys would take cuddling over sex.

    And if you really want to incorporate some butt-play, you could also ask your doctor if small toys or a partner's fingers would pose a risk...the prostate is the lil' pleasure center up the butt, and it's only inside a couple of inches --you don't need a big dick up there to be stimulated. But bottom-line, the man who loves you will value your safety and comfort over any particular sex act. And a therapist can help you reach a headspace where you won't feel the least bit inadequate over this, because such fears could sabotage your sexual enjoyment --and potentially your relationship--faster than not being able to have anal sex.

    ---------------

    And just going to echo Josh that I'm really enjoying your posts, too SB. Honored to have played a small part, but I can't take credit for the work *you're* doing. I hope we all have a lot more fun on RJ; I'm looking forward to playing my part too.


    It was some work to get your profile back on RJ live again and very happy that you're planning on staying. I'm also enjoying the reformed SB and hoping that you'll be able to stay that way ... mostly icon_wink.gif
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    Feb 16, 2014 10:35 PM GMT
    Have to agree with the others, find a professional to talk to about this. A therapist that deals with gay sexuality would probably be your best bet. There's so much satisfaction you get out of a relationship that doesn't come from the bedroom (or for some even the kitchen counter). There are many satisfying sexual activities that can be fun and getting into the correct mindset that you can be an integral part of that enjoyment is very important. A good relationship is based on you, not your ass and if the guy thinks otherwise, he probably needs some professional help more than you do! Hang in there, you'll do fine with or without the bottom action. Being a great guy, an honest person, a loving partner is all more important than any single sex function you might or might not be able to enjoy.
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    Feb 17, 2014 1:11 AM GMT
    Thanks for the responses everyone. I do see a therapist, it's just that he doesn't really seem to be helping me much with this issue...he has said some of the things mentioned in here, but I figured it might be better to talk to other gay guys to see how they feel on this situation. So thanks to all who reply. icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 17, 2014 1:42 AM GMT
    You have a dick, USE IT!
    Youre obsessed with ass sex because people want what they can't have. Fucking is way better than bottoming, it doesnt hurt and you dont have to worry about keeping your ass clean all the time and all the annoying things bottoms have to do. Also, for every top there are 10 bottoms waiting for you, take advantage of all that and have a prosperous sex life!
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    Feb 17, 2014 3:01 AM GMT
    Broseph said
    ant811 saidThanks for the responses everyone. I do see a therapist, it's just that he doesn't really seem to be helping me much with this issue

    Maybe you need a new therapist if this is a huge issue for you. Maybe one specializing in sexual things?

    I agree. You don't have to stay with the same therapist. If you're not feeling like it's helping, tell them you want a different therapist. You need to feel comfortable with whomever you're talking to.
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    Feb 17, 2014 4:16 AM GMT
    YourName2000 said
    southbeach1500 saidAbsolutely. There are many different areas of specialists. Perhaps the most famous sex therapist is (was?) Dr. Ruth Westheimer. Anyone remember her?

    Oh my God, she was hilarious. Just the antithesis of what one would expect a sex therapist to be, but so positive about the healthy effects of good sex at any age, no matter what you were in to. She made me cringe a few times, but she was very effective at conveying joy rather than shame in seeking to have your own desires met well with a partner (and recipricating).


    We had a more serious one during the years I was in LA who was on KROQ (106.9) every Sunday night ..... that's right ... Dr Drew. Drew Pensky. On staff at Huntington Memorial Hospital, Pasadena, CA. Real serious guy in spite of the crack up shows that he was on

    http://drdrew.com/
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    Feb 17, 2014 4:50 AM GMT
    southbeach1500 said
    Broseph said
    ant811 saidThanks for the responses everyone. I do see a therapist, it's just that he doesn't really seem to be helping me much with this issue


    Maybe you need a new therapist if this is a huge issue for you. Maybe one specializing in sexual things?


    Absolutely. There are many different areas of specialists. Perhaps the most famous sex therapist is (was?) Dr. Ruth Westheimer. Anyone remember her?

    One of our local radio personalities use to have a character by the name of Dr. Ruth Firsttimer.
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    Feb 17, 2014 5:06 AM GMT
    Several people have said it already: Anal is not the only way to have sex, and many men do not care for it. Intimacy isn't about having a dick inside you, it's about sharing pleasure in whatever way the two of you can and want to.

    This is in your head. You really do need help to get your head back together. There's no reason you can't have a great sex life.
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    Feb 17, 2014 5:34 AM GMT
    YourName2000 said
    freedomisntfree said...Dr Drew. Drew Pensky. On staff at Huntington Memorial Hospital, Pasadena, CA. Real serious guy in spite of the crack up shows that he was on

    http://drdrew.com/

    Oh, I remember him too....actuallty, he's still around.

    But Ruth was ahead of her time, lol. My God, the things that woman would talk about, lol. At times it was like "grammy...please...no...no more talk about you doing the dirty trombone on granpa and then him plugging your ass...please!" icon_lol.gif


    Sure he is. Drew is younger than me, but so is just about everyone else. He's a standup guy (presumably without Cialis) and has done a lot of good for folks in pretty bad situations in SoCal.

    Used to listen to Drew every Sunday night on Loveline on KROQ ... that was when they weren't shut down for ten days or so by the FCC for playing this or something similar


  • AMoonHawk

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    Feb 17, 2014 5:39 AM GMT
    Find a guy with a really small dick so he can't penetrate very deeply.

    And get a second opinion. Ask questions, like if you do have anal sex, how deep can he go without worry.
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    Feb 17, 2014 6:20 AM GMT
    southbeach1500 said
    JumpMan_Josh said
    southbeach1500 saidYou should see a counselor or therapist. That's the real, concrete thing you can do. I'm sure others here will offer some advice and emotional support and that may help also, but the single most important thing to do is to see that counselor or therapist. You'll find there's much more to sex than just "anal." icon_wink.gif


    Southbeach has it right for sure!

    Off-topic, but I'm really liking your contributions to threads lately, SB!


    Thanks. I've made a decision (with help from YourName2000 - I hope you don't get mad that I blew your cover icon_biggrin.gif ), that some changes were due. As a (very) long time member of the site, I was not at all happy with the way things had been going lately and I've decided to try in my own little way to steer things in a more positive direction. Didn't mean to derail the topic, but I did want to thank you "publicly" here for the kind words.


    I don't normally compliment when people act like good people because that to me is a minimal standard. But you offering what seems sincere, and certainly cogent advice and that you say you were encouraged by the yn2k poster? Not that I like to get all gushy and I hope to not come off as condescending, but this is like hell froze over and pigs flew over at the same time. It's nearly sublime and I find myself somewhat discombobulated. I'll need more time to be convinced but wow. I'd have lost money on this bet.

    To the OP, you've gotten some good advice here from these guys. I'd just add that even though I'm not physically handicapped towards anal sex, I'm not into it, yet I have found very satisfying relationships, sexual and otherwise. Not being into anal has prevented some relationships where it was important to the other guy plus when the other guy wanted monogamy. But it did not interfere with great intimacy even with a guy who was very into anal but did not require monogamy so that he could satisfy that outside of our relationship. And then of course the great love of my life, the guy I buried before this last one, neither of us were anal. Yet we were quite sexual with each other. Wild times.

    So you ought to be able to find a way to work around this. Happens that I am friends with a sex therapist--maybe I can ask her about your issue--a wonderful lady now nearing her 80s. So fun having lunch with her and her telling me stories of shaving vagina back in the 70s. Did I mention she's 80? Her husband's a physics professor. Very smart people. I like them. So I concur that you ought to find a good sex therapist, not a run of the mill guy. Your body shouldn't make you depressed. It should make you happy.

    There'll be plenty of depression later in life from your body, like when you get arthritis. So don't rush it. Find a way to enjoy yourself. Your sex life has just begun.
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    Feb 17, 2014 7:26 PM GMT
    I have felt like this mentally similar situation minus the Ulcerative Colitis and that i just wont even find anyone.
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    Feb 17, 2014 8:23 PM GMT
    southbeach1500 saidYou should see a counselor or therapist. That's the real, concrete thing you can do. I'm sure others here will offer some advice and emotional support and that may help also, but the single most important thing to do is to see that counselor or therapist. You'll find there's much more to sex than just "anal." icon_wink.gif



    Very wise answer indeed .