If you're not feeling a person after a date, which is the better of 2 evils? 1) Don't return his calls and let it die out or 2) Tell him the reason (the truthful reason) why you're not further interested

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 7:14 AM GMT
    I hate ducking a person I'm not interested in after we've gone out on a date.

    But then telling the person the truthful reason (e.g. you have a case of halitosis) is a stinger as well.

    It seems like a lose-lose situation - either way his feelings will be hurt.

    Which is better - 1 or 2?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 7:25 AM GMT
    be up front, tell him, but do it gently... you can be honest but you don't need to smack people in the face..

    "Thanks for the night, I had a good time, it was great to get to know you, however, I'd prefer to keep things as just friends"

    or some such, if they take it badly, then they have bigger problems to worry about then you not wanting to go on another date.
  • TallGWMvballe...

    Posts: 1925

    Dec 20, 2008 8:53 AM GMT
    DEFINITELY do not duck him, avoid contact etc.
    That is simply mean, he won't be sure what is going on,
    It is best to tell him directly but gently like "It was a good time, but I don't see us as compatible for further dating, sorry" Saying let's be friends to someone who IS into you and wants to date is cruel as well.

    I have been on both sides of that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 9:12 AM GMT
    What they said. icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 11:05 AM GMT
    TallGWMvballer saidDEFINITELY do not duck him, avoid contact etc.
    That is simply mean, he won't be sure what is going on,
    It is best to tell him directly but gently like "It was a good time, but I don't see us as compatible for further dating, sorry" Saying let's be friends to someone who IS into you and wants to date is cruel as well.

    I have been on both sides of that.


    I've never found it cruel personally, I've had guys say that to me, it gets the point across and if they have been sincere its been a lot more gentle.. BUT, I can get your point too, delivered as a lie I can see it truly hurting
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 12:02 PM GMT
    Just say you are not attracted to him. You don't need to make it personal. Also, you have taken ownership of the problem, ie, you are not into him. Certainly, there's no point slagging him off regarding his bad breathe that will just make you sound like an 8-year-old girl.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Dec 20, 2008 12:03 PM GMT
    If you really don't like the guy and don't want to be associated with him anytime soon then 1 is ok
    but if you think the guy is a nice guy just that you don't want a romance with him then 2 is the way to go
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    Dec 20, 2008 4:34 PM GMT
    Personally, I can't think of an instance in which I would be comfortable on either side of (1). I wouldn't like it if someone treated me that way and I wouldn't do it to anybody else. I'm definitely more comfortable with (2), though I would be gentle with it - i.e. I think I would leave mention of halitosis out of my explanation. Perhaps something blander like, "you seem like a really nice guy, but I just don't sense much chemistry between us" would be better.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 4:35 PM GMT
    Rejection is a part of life, thats what dating is about, not everyone is going to be for everyone...tell him you would like to be friends but that you cannot commit to a relationship for personal reasons, if he is insistent than you should stop talking on the phone, if hes not, you can always use another friend
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 5:09 PM GMT
    TELL HIM! Everybody hates the non-returned calls. It's like, I didn't like you in that way so fuck you for wasting my time. Just be a gentleman and tell him that you didn't feel the spark. Why is ignoring people even considered. What are you so afraid of?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 6:10 PM GMT
    After the first date, you have a sort of loosely established relationship. You need to define it, even if only to declare its demise, if only to be courteous to the other person. At the point that he has reason to expect the relationship to continue, your date has a right to know, even promptly, that you don’t feel that a relationship is the right path for you guys. Grant it, if this was some creep soliciting you for attention, this would be a completely different story, but it sounds like this date was founded on mutual consent. And anyways, you have a right to whatever feelings you have. Don’t be ashamed, just tell him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 6:13 PM GMT
    GQjock saidIf you really don't like the guy and don't want to be associated with him anytime soon then 1 is ok
    but if you think the guy is a nice guy just that you don't want a romance with him then 2 is the way to go


    AGREED. With someone you really disliked, or who wasn't nice, #1 is fine. But in a situation where both guys had a good time, but there's no chemistry to continue, the gentle direct honest approach #2 is much better.

    It's strange, but sometimes a guy will go out of his way to say we had a good time and strongly want to have another date, but they disapear That's the worst. Have the balls to tell me how you feel, and definately don't go out of your way to encourage another date when you really don't want to.

    Maybe I do have halitosis.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 6:14 PM GMT
    Tell him exactly what you would appreciate hearing if the situation was reversed.
  • Aquanerd

    Posts: 845

    Dec 20, 2008 6:19 PM GMT
    If you went out with a guy that didn't think you were the one for him, how would you like to have him behave?
  • TallGWMvballe...

    Posts: 1925

    Dec 20, 2008 6:37 PM GMT
    redheadguy saidJust say you are not attracted to him. You don't need to make it personal. Also, you have taken ownership of the problem, ie, you are not into him. Certainly, there's no point slagging him off regarding his bad breathe that will just make you sound like an 8-year-old girl.


    Exactly... the only reason you need to give is that is there is no chemistry, attraction or you are not into him... words to that effect,
    The cruel thing is to lead him on and then not call or answer.

    Just because someone is not your type or you find them un attractive is NOT a reason or an excuse to be rude, disrespectful or mean. This extends to all aspects of interactions including dating,
  • mikeeugene

    Posts: 84

    Dec 20, 2008 7:19 PM GMT
    Let him know you're not interested. Email is fine, but don't just stop contact unless he doesn't respect your boundaries.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 7:31 PM GMT
    I would tell him you are not interested and if it is something like a bad case of halitosis would let him know why. that could be a sign of medical or dental problems, and he should know. bad breathe etc... can be fixed so why not help the poor guy out? Its never fun to hear but this way he wont be missing out on dates with other guys later.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 7:37 PM GMT
    I rarely make decisions on the longevity of any relationship after the first meeting. I'd meet him for a second date and if he had the bad breath on this second round, I'd tell him that I noticed his breath. That's a bold yet forgiving strategy to look beyond the bad breath and still treat him with respect.

    I think his feelings might me more hurt if no one tells him about the bad breath and he continues to think he is fresh and clean while losing boys left and right.
  • Mikeylikesit

    Posts: 1021

    Dec 20, 2008 7:48 PM GMT
    Ugh!!.......Please just tell him the truth......I dated a guy for like 3 months....Then he just stopped calling & txting me. It was the worst feeling. I wish he would have just said that he was'nt interested or moved on, instead of the silent treatment!......icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 7:50 PM GMT
    I go with the "I'm not feeling it" or "we have too many differences" or "I'm not looking for a serious relationship at this time". That is, if the guy is nice. If he's a raging jerk, then it is OK to just blow it off or tell him "look dude, you're an ass".
  • Rookz

    Posts: 947

    Dec 20, 2008 7:54 PM GMT
    Your both adults and have an adult conversation that you don't see this relationship going anywhere but just as friends. Your a good person right? So do yourself a favor, and for your date as well, and let each other go easily from this route and go as friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 8:04 PM GMT
    AWH DUDE! NO! The not calling thing. Totally LAME!
    Functionally, you should tell this guy about his bad breath.
    Compassionately, give him the let's be friend's speech.

    It's all good, worst thing you can do to this guy is give him a false sense of hope. Seriously, just tell him the truth, don't play games.
    I think he'll appreciate it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 8:13 PM GMT
    This forum question came about due to a buddy of mine going through the same situation recently.

    Personally, I'm one to usually followup but it still is painful news for the receiver. It seems to depend on a person's emotions and maturity-one guy was cool with being friends but then another was really sore about it.

    In my buddy's situation, there was mutual interest but the guy had oral issues. Being that he still liked other aspects about the guy I suggested he bring the issue to his attention, but he didn't have the nerve and he let it die out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 8:53 PM GMT

    I'd want him to tell me, unless it's my glasses again....what a silly reason to cancel a second date!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2008 9:30 PM GMT
    For me, the key is in conversing enough with the guy prior to any possible date to determine if there is any connection or commonality - chemistry. Then you'll know whether there is good reason to go out at all - other than as *just friends*. If however, I found that something unforeseen arose during the date that caused me to know a second date would not be forthcoming, I would thank the guy at the end of the date, and not make another one. If he asked for another date - then or on a phone call later - I would let him know that we could go out again sometime - but as friends. The key is to let him know that I'm just not into him, but in a totally nice way.