The Internet: My Story and How it Provides the Outlet to Come Out

  • Lunastar

    Posts: 328

    Feb 19, 2014 9:38 PM GMT
    I just wanted to put out there that without the internet, I'm not sure how much longer I would've been in the closet.

    I came to college, very much closeted, fapping away to gay porn but denied all accusations. I tried forcing hard-ons when imagining some of the 'hottest' women out there and yet that didn't work. Fuck. Mentally I might have thought I was gay but 'bi' seemed to be the safer term. Spent countless nights desperate to share that I was gay and consistently using justusboys (yes that gay cesspool) and omegle to find other gay guys. Part of me had low self-esteem in my looks and sought out validation in the form of both healthy conversation but also nude picture exchanges. God forbid one of the guys I chatted with should possibly discover who I was, somehow despite the internet anonymity, there was this fear that I'd be outed by someone I knew. I made a separate email account for people to message to, solely for the sake of people I met online.

    Only one person at that time knew I was 'bi' and he himself was gay and we barely spoke consistently. I did have three very close friends in college, and one of them had seen that I had visited 'gaytube' and confronted me about it. I was shocked, that 'out of body' feeling where you can't believe what's happening. Though I initially denied visiting the site, eventually I let it slip that I had maybe been on the site once (Obviously bullshit). Funnily enough, this guy who had confronted me, I thought was gay but said he was straight, was also struggling with his sexuality and projected it by confronting me about mine icon_razz.gif

    I started to realize that there were more young gay people than I had originally thought, and I started to explore other communities online. I stumbled upon Real Jock and trickled my way over. Though I'm not an active poster, my lurking skills are bar-none. RealJock wasn't quite as graphic and had an eclectic community. I messaged and chatted with people who had faces instead of on omegle. I learned about gay apps. I became more comfortable with being 'out' online and started using OkCupid. Even if I wasn't out in real life or comfortable with being 'open', I at least became open to dating. I got support not only from here but through my three close friends as well, and some of the people I met from OkCupid. My first official date was from RealJock. I was using both OkCupid and RJ and then Grindr for a little bit too. I had a series of dates that went okay but none seemed to progress, though some turned into fun friendships.

    Towards the end of college, and now in graduate school, I have gradually came out. From coming out to my family, to my close friends, to my residents (I'm an RA). Telling people 'I'm gay' is now practically effortless and no longer an awkward or stilted stutter. I met a guy at my school on Grindr, and despite the norm, it actually progressed into a relationship rather than started as a hookup. We've been together for almost 6 months now and I couldn't be happier. He's already met all of my family and the love is mutual. Openly displaying affection for him is a nonissue and I am more than happy to talk about him, as well as my experiences with other people nowadays.

    Obviously there's a great deal more in that story, but it's amazing to me how I came to college scared, confused, yet hopeful of that 'white picket fence' and now I still see the fence, except with my man icon_smile.gif

    I'm curious to hear from others how the internet can be a beautiful network of support or stepping stone. Certainly watching all the coming out videos helped me to get into the mindset prior to coming out to my family .

    Realize that just by being comfortable with yourself, that that translates and is clear for all to see. Thanks RJ icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 19, 2014 9:41 PM GMT
    A very sweet story. I'm glad for you. Must feel great, not being conflicted anymore.
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    Feb 19, 2014 9:48 PM GMT
    tortoise_sex said
    Lunastar said consistently using justusboys (yes that gay cesspool)


    icon_rolleyes.gif did you really just say that? and this site is any better. icon_lol.gif

    don't know why you said that. the group think of that site seems to be more mature than here.

    I suppose it depends on who you talk with. The guys I interact with here are mature and interesting, for the most part. There is a cadre of idiots, but I mostly don't bother with them. But you are wrong to suggest that this site lacks in worthwhile people. Except to the extent that life in general does. You just have to be choosy about your friends.
  • Lunastar

    Posts: 328

    Feb 19, 2014 9:49 PM GMT
    tortoise_sex said
    Lunastar said consistently using justusboys (yes that gay cesspool)


    icon_rolleyes.gif did you really just say that? and this site is better? icon_lol.gif

    don't know why you said that. the members on there seem to be way more mature than here from what i've seen.


    It was a bit tongue-in-cheek, I haven't been there in a while. I really was just referring to the Amateur Showcase forum in particular.
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    Feb 20, 2014 4:44 AM GMT
    Lunastar saidI'm curious to hear from others how the internet can be a beautiful network of support or stepping stone.

    I didn't have the internet; I had PBS.

    If I'd had the internet in the '80s I'd not only have come out almost a decade earlier but would've been having sex as a teenager like most of my straight friends in the '70s. Even by 1986 I was still limited to buying into media stereotypes and knew nothing about Stonewall or the gay community, thinking it only a subculture from which to distance myself of lisping limpwristed mustachioed disco sissies, cruising leathermen, butch lesbians, late stage AIDS victims and cinematic transvestite serial killers. Only by stumbling upon a PBS broadcast of the documentary "Before Stonewall" and its interviews of gay seniors did my perspective and life change. Suddenly I was no longer alone and was proud, not only comforted by the unexpected images of traditional masculinity to which I could relate but moved and impressed by each and every grizzled bulldyke and faded queen waxing nostalgic who, by the end of the program, evolved in my mind to honorary aunties and role models, gay godparents one and all. Within a year I moved to Greenwich Village, got wasted at lesbian weddings and pursued by hot men!

    Here's a clip:

  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Feb 20, 2014 4:10 PM GMT
    Very nice and interesting story. Thanks for sharing it.

    I was out long before the internet existed. However, many of my first internet experiences were gay related.

    I first got online with an AOL account and a dial up modem around 1993. Very quickly I discovered chatrooms and specifically gay oriented chat rooms. In fact my first night online I found myself text chatting with a closeted gay teenager living in Florida.

    This was very interesting to me. I could see how this could go in a 'naughty' direction very quickly for both of us but I took the highroad and didn't go there. I was very honest about myself, my looks, my age, the fact that I was in a relationship and so on with the boy. So we ended up having several chats mostly with him asking questions about what it was like being out and gay.

    I soon found that there were many gay men of different ages around the country who were looking to hook up but also looking for other gay men to JUST talk to. So, although I haven't always been active on gay sites or forums, I've always used the internet as a way of communicating with other gay men. It's a rather amazing invention; truly one of the wonders of the modern world. We take it so much for granted now, we hardly even think about it.
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    Feb 20, 2014 4:54 PM GMT
    It was the internet that turned me gay. I still blame Al Gore for inventing it!

    I was in denial with the occasional need to release some pressure while viewing some Playgirl magazines (long story). I was married, wife worked nights, kids were in bed early when I bought my first computer, very expensive generic computer (circa 1990). Armed with my large 120MB hard drive, 9600 baud modem and accelerated graphics card (although really no graphics on the internet then) I subscribed to Prodigy (formerly owned by Sears) and began surfing the internet. Found some interesting rooms and things but after switching to AOL (a CDR on every store counter top) I found these mysterious M4M rooms…whatever that meant. I soon found out and while chatting with guys from around the world, I turned lonely nights into exciting adventures. Conversations, experiences, moaning and the sounds of release would bring a temporary satisfaction. Both the internet and I continued to evolve. Faster email with attachments arrived, web pages with graphic images, digital cameras that also worked as cams, wow, the digital world was endless. The snowball was picking up speed as it sped down the slopes. Al Gore and I had discovered a whole new world, but despite the speed, I continued to secure the walls of privacy around me. The moat to reach me was widening, the foundation deeper and the walls taller. Only the demons in my mind would know what the digital world had become for me.

    Eventually the demons turned to depression, sadness, dissatisfaction and self hatred. I gave up securing the walls, let the moat dry up, forgot about my friend Al and gave up the fight. Instead I looked to happiness, openness and honesty. The internet became my friend once again but this time with a nice new shiny bridge between the old me and the new me, allowing those from each side to cross over with me and get a glimpse into my other world.
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    Feb 20, 2014 11:52 PM GMT
    When I first came to this site I had flashy picture to hide myself and just like you I lived in constant fear that someone would recognize me. Now here I am even verified and 90% out in real life (except for work people) I just honestly don't give a fuck anymore and I couldn't be happier and I realized that this fear I had was mostly in my head.

    Thanks to the Internet I found one of my best gay friends and several fun nights haha. And obviously thanks to RJ not only did I get appreciation every time (at the beginning) that I came out to someone important like family but also I got lots of motivation to come out of the closet by watching how happy the guys who were out were and how miserable the closeted guys were. I guess I was jelous of their happiness and I grab the bull by the balls to have my own taste of what being yourself and loving yourself meant.

    Thanks for sharing and I can completely relate to what you said!