Problems in relationship advice needed

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 20, 2014 3:35 PM GMT
    I think the sexual stuff is the easiest part to overcome being that I'm actually in my first relationship now and had never been with anyone before but my partner was really accommodating. The hardest part is being in the actual relationship as when it's your first you're having to rely on your partner to inform you what is normal and what's unreasonable etc.

    My partner of 5 months is 31 and has far more relationship experience than I and the one thing we always fall out about is our friends. My friends are all around my age and my partner deems them immature and has no time for them and his friends think I'm young and dumb so I don't make much time for them. He has a couple of friends who are nice but as a group they assume my views on 'grown up' stuff is less than theirs e.g. Politics even though I've actually studied politics and history at A level etc.

    We also disagree on money. My partner thinks I spend too much on my social life.

    Anyone on here in an age gap relationship got any advice? I certainly don't think 31 is old so I don't think its destined to fail I just think perhaps I need a few tips from people who've been there and done that so I can get it back on track.
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    Feb 20, 2014 4:58 PM GMT
    My mum raised me single handed so I don't have that relationship template of marriage in my head. I agree friends are less important than a marriage but we've only known each other 6months and been together for for 5months and my friends have been there for a long time so I wanted him to get to know them. My sisters only a year younger than him and he doesn't even like her so I don't even know if it's to do with age icon_confused.gif


    I pay my rent and bills as we don't live together I saved for all my own furniture etc for my flat and I do put a little aside but just not as much as he does but he earns a good 16k a year more so of course he can afford to save more.

    We don't argue about politics or politicians its just an example of a discussion where his friends basically tell me my opinion is less valid than theirs because I've never been old enough to vote yet which is a stupid thing to say.

    I think if he made a bit more effort with even just a few of my friends I'd be happier but I don't know how to approach that subject so ill leave it for another day!
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3534

    Feb 21, 2014 4:50 AM GMT
    you are younger and immature. so be it.
    read a lot.
    in a relationship you should always, always, have your own friends on the side. both of you.

    as well as common friends. try finding some common friends who are even older than both of you (say at some sort of hobby group), then they can treat BOTH of you like young whippersnappers, which will be good for both of you.
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    Feb 21, 2014 6:12 AM GMT
    I wouldn't say I am particularly immature but I'll concede sometimes I've been a bit needy but its difficult when one of his friends tries to belittle me at any opportunity and my fella tells me to chill out when I kick off about it.

    I have older friends who are like family friends but I can't talk to them about it because it'll get back to my family and friends and they'll turn against the relationship because they're quite over protective etc.

    Thanks for your input though and I agree friends are important to both of us and we should both perhaps make more effort.

    icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2014 1:28 AM GMT
    Thom1993 said... its difficult when one of his friends tries to belittle me at any opportunity
    his friends are jealous.
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    Feb 25, 2014 1:04 PM GMT
    Sound like a problem similar to my last relationship, I was 27 and he was 36 when we started dating/going out. To make a long story short, I got tired of him, I wanted to be more social, make more friends and just realized that he's not the one for me. We were just too different, different opinions on life, everything. It lasted a while too. I have a feeling you're going to break up with him later. Lol, if not, then he'll break up with you. How do I know this? I dated two 19 years old for a while when I was 31. The whole age-mentality kicks in. My last advice would be, don't let anyone force you to do shit or criticize you or make you feel bad about yourself just because of your own feelings, intuition. GL
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    Feb 27, 2014 10:38 AM GMT
    Coming from someone who knows a couple with an even greater age gap than you have with your boyfriend, I don't think that it is destined to fail, either. I think that there are some obvious difficulties that you guys need to work out.

    Just because you are younger, you are still an individual; your opinion, your life, your choices and your mind still matter.

    So, stick up for your friends. He should realize that by dating someone your age, he's going to have to learn to associate with your people - who are most likely your age as well. If he cared about you, I'd imagine he'd at least make an effort to be fun and sociable around them - instead of dismissing them altogether.

    As far as his friends go, here's where it gets a little complicated. This is where you need to realize that by dating someone like your boyfriend, you're going to have to learn to associate with his people - who are most likely his age. It's one thing if they're blatantly belittling you and making you feel like you "dont belong" (that's when it's time for him to show you what you mean to him, put his foot down and say "this is my boyfriend, deal with it"). It's another if you just have a hard time looking up to them and giving them the elderly respect (that they think they deserve). I'm sure that your boyfriend would appreciate if you made the effort to be fun and sociable around them as well.

    Maybe you guys can meet halfway and make an agreement that you'll both try harder to appreciate each others friends. I know firsthand that it puts a lot of strain on a relationship when boyfriends(or girlfriends) and friends clash. Sometimes in life, you need to choose your own battles.

    As for your money, as long as it is your money, I would tell him that you're open to his advice on how he thinks you should be spending it (or saving it), but ultimately, it's your money. If you're living together, well, that might be a different story.
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    Feb 27, 2014 2:47 PM GMT
    Cheers Rolfron.

    I have no problem hanging out with people in their 30s as I spend a lot of time with my sister and her fiance who are both 30 and I like their friends who are late twenties and early 30s plus I have colleagues in their 50s who I get on with.

    Lately I've been getting on with his friends minus the one who has always been a problem. His girl friends are nice and his guy mates are nice bar one (who sometimes turns me off the rest of the group if they find his jokes funny) guy who happens to be gay so I asked if he and my boy friend ever hooked up etc to see if it was jealousy. Apparently it never happened but he still hates me and makes jokes about me, insults me about my eyebrows and my face as a whole and basically tells me and others that Jon's not actually with me and we just hook up because I'm easy and have no self respect. I've asked and this is not true.

    This friend has also spread rumours about me having a few bedroom problems which whilst they were true were my business. What annoyed me was my bf must've told him about it because he sure as chips wasn't there.

    I've come to the conclusion there will never be a resolution with this friend and as Jon will never have it out with him properly (they've had words but nothing ever changes and they're still best mates) I'm going to have to put up and shut up at least until I've had enough.

    Hi socialx10.

    I'm quite mature for my age I think and I have no plans on splitting up.
  • Import

    Posts: 7193

    Feb 27, 2014 4:16 PM GMT
    such a lil kid. omg. how cute!

    I'm 30 now and can remember being 20. I am a completey different person from 20 to 30.....

    I think a 10 year age difference isn't as big of a deal between a 40 and 50 year old.... or a 50 to 60 year old, but a 20 to 30 year old...huge difference.

    I couldn't imagine being with someone who is 20. Just on a completely different wavelength on everything. My priorities when I was 20.... are not what they are when I'm 30.

    You prob are a bit immature, but so what.... you're supposed to be. you're 20.

    I think ur bf is stupid for even bothering, but whatevs thats just my opinion. means nothing really.

    good luck to you.
    Maybe consider dating someone within the 18 to 25 range.
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    Feb 27, 2014 5:41 PM GMT
    Import saidsuch a lil kid. omg. how cute!

    I'm 30 now and can remember being 20. I am a completey different person from 20 to 30.....

    I think a 10 year age difference isn't as big of a deal between a 40 and 50 year old.... or a 50 to 60 year old, but a 20 to 30 year old...huge difference.

    I couldn't imagine being with someone who is 20. Just on a completely different wavelength on everything. My priorities when I was 20.... are not what they are when I'm 30.

    You prob are a bit immature, but so what.... you're supposed to be. you're 20.

    I think ur bf is stupid for even bothering, but whatevs thats just my opinion. means nothing really.

    good luck to you.
    Maybe consider dating someone within the 18 to 25 range.


    A little patronising but I take your key point but at the moment priorities don't come into it because we're still in the early stages and i'm prepared to shift my priorities of need be. Plus I'm really mature like my sister even told me to date older than myself because I need someone more mature than a 20/21 year old and it was her and her friend that set us up.
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    Mar 01, 2014 6:27 PM GMT
    I would agree with Import about the age difference being a potentially much greater problem when you are so young, than it would be if you were 30 and he 40. But I disagree with his conclusion that the relationship can't/shouldn't work. I know a couple who have been together for 30 years, who met when one was 19, and the other 49 (yes, he is about 80 now).

    You should expect that he will have nothing in common with 99% of your friends around your age, and should not expect him to socialize with them - except maybe at large gatherings.
    When there is such a large age gap at your age, you should expect that you will have separate friends, and for the most part, separate social lives. That is rather common in relationships where one is 19 or 20 and the other is 30.

    It will be easy for some of his friends his age to accept you, but people are people, and some will have a hard time treating you as an equal until you are in your late 20s. As to the one friend of his that "hates" you, he really should not socialize with him in your presence, as it is disrespectful toward you. Talk to him about it. Does he even know that this friend of his is a problem for you?
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    Mar 01, 2014 7:17 PM GMT
    Wow that's a big age gap! Congrats to your mates making it work icon_smile.gif

    He knows there's a problem between us but for the most part he finds it amusing and when he does get annoyed its usually with me icon_sad.gif

    My bf has told his friend off about certain things though like discussing our business in bed etc but for the most part he is annoyed with me for not being able to let it slide.

    I don't socialise with his friends a lot but I do on occasion when I'm invited (because the guy who set us up is our one mutual friend because he is my sisters best mate) but every time I do I get wound up. If I don't go though I'd see a lot less of him because he'd still go and then just turn up at mine in the early hours when he's drunk.

    I'm convinced his best friend must fancy him but he gets mad when I suggest it and when I kept pushing the point he smashed my phone which made me think perhaps I'm onto something there. If it's true though I know the feeling is not reciprocated because if that were the case they'd just be together.

    They're out together tonight so I'm just staying in. I was invited but can't deal with his friend when he's had a drink he's like a wasp buzzing around icon_exclaim.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 02, 2014 3:17 AM GMT
    Right thanks everyone tbe advice was great but those that said the relationship was doomed go fail were correct.

    I've waited in all night on the assumption my boyfriend was coming back go mine after his night out. I could have gone out with them tonight or out with my mates but I stayed in like a muppet. A few minutes ago I received a call from my boyfriends number but his friend was the one calling to tell me my bf is staying at his tonight now! They both know this will make me insecure.

    This takes the mick because I cooked chicken pasta bake for him because he craves pasta and cheese when he is drunk and theres enough for left overs when he is hungover tomorrow too. I made it especially as I don't even eat pasta so that was a waste of time and effort icon_sad.gif

    I also drank 2 glasses of wine the past hour to loosen up a bit because I thought were having sex tonight! Might as well down the bottle back now!!!

    What a moron. I've left a nasty voicemail saying its over and i'm sticking to it!!

    Going to stick to being single and being career focussed. Doesn't stop me being sad and angry though icon_sad.gif

    Actually want to kick his friends arse!!
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    Mar 02, 2014 5:59 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear that mate. Immaturity knows no age. You'll probably be hurting for a little while you'll be bounce back quickly enough. Just focus on whats important and strive yourself to achieve that. As for love...Can't really give you any advice since I've been single for all my life! lol

    My only suggestion is to find someone closer to your age group, and see the maturity/compatibility level from there.