Any type of insight, will be greatly appreciated

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2014 2:27 PM GMT
    **** There is a TL; DR; at the end of this. But its a complicated issue *****


    Hello everyone, I need some advice and Im going to jump right into it. I am currently in college (out of state) and parents fully financially support me while here. No words can express how grateful I am for the opportunities they have given me. Sadly, at times, I feel as though they control me with money even though they don't feel that way and so Im putting that to the side. I came out to them about two years ago as "bi" (I currently identify as pansexual). I only did so because I decided to have my first boyfriend at the time and I wanted them in my life. Ever since then, its been an awkward subject. I know they accept me for being who I am, and having a boyfriend or at least they tell me they do. Their problem is that they believe I should focus on only college and put my relationship life on hold until after college (which includes grad school, so I can't have a relationship for 6 years? wtf?). I told them that was stupid because college is not just a place of education, but its also a place where I have come to know myself much better.

    My parents, while they accept me, also have ideology that I should not post or comment on my sexuality. They say it is no ones business, and something that I should just keep to myself. This prevented me from telling my sister, extended family, and even friends at home, which frankly isn't a big deal to me until.... come my senior year (starting in august last year) I got a new boyfriend after being single for about a year. I come home for winter break and tell them. They still don't think I should be in a relationship and believe I shouldn't tell my cousins or family. Still, I take it.... I respect their wishes and say ok, I won't tell our family (but I do have friends at school that know). On my last day at home Im about to leave and I'm bringing down my suitcases. My mom comes up and tells me she's gonna do a hair follicle test on me. I say "why?". She said, "Since you're living this life that we seem to not know about, Im doing my job as a mother to make sure you aren't taking any hard drugs". The amount of anger and rage that filled me when she said that.... Ive been such a good son to them, my whole life... I don't deserve to not be trusted... but she did the test, I was pissed my last day at home, results came back and everything was negative... I hope she felt stupid, and still as soon as she texted me that the results were negative, we were pals again...

    Two weeks later, she finds a picture of me and my boyfriend online as she searches google for my apartment complex (to pay rent). She claims that the picture popped up by simply doing that search, but I tried and it doesn't fucking happen. Anyway, the picture was supposedly on our apartments website which it isn't. She texted me telling me to "have some dignity" "show some class" and she "didn't realize her son needed the acceptance of others". The picture was strictly of us in a goofy picture smiling, actually really cute. I didn't understand why she was attacking me for no reason. After that we didn't speak for a month.

    Now were at current day, where recently I have told them that I am debating about taking out a loan. Im tired of them telling me "who pays for your college" and I'm tired of my relationship with my parents being jabbed at by financial arguments. My mom still refuses to speak to me, but instead just send me all y documents and strictly states in an email "All documents you need to be financially independent will be with you in 3 days". This pissed me off because now she's just like "yea sure take a loan out, good luck figuring that out all on your own even though we've not allowed you to have any of your documents (W2's, birth cert., and social security card) your whole life. but yeah good luck with that). This was the last straw for me. I decided, fuck it. I posted a Facebook status so that everyone in my life would know about my sexuality and got RESOUNDING feedback. I then went on to send an email to my mom saying thank your for all my documentation and I will be going to the financial aid office to learn how to take out student loans. I then went on to tell her that I will always love her, but I won't have someone in my life won't accept me for who I am and not who they THINK I should be. I told her to call if she would like to talk, but if she doesn't accept me then she will lose her son (me and my mom have ALWAYS been close to each other).

    And now Im here... With my sister texting me and telling me that Im obsessed with my sexuality. When I asked her why she thinks that, she said "well look at yourself, posting a Facebook status about it"... My is apparently crying at home and won't answer my calls. She has also pulled all funds from my accounts and I don't have any money... My father is telling me to just wait and he needs to talk to my mom and we all need to talk but what am I suppose to do now? I have NO money, taking 18 credits and working in a fluency clinic to get ready for grad school. Should I wait for my dad to handle things (he is very level headed and doesnt want me taking out loans), or should I just take the bull by the horns and take out the loan (even though it would be like $50000 fucking dollars....

    TL; DR:

    -Parents say they accept me two years ago for being bi (Im pansexual)
    -fully support me financially in college
    -dont think I should publicly tell people about my sexuality because its not their business
    -Mom does some weird things
    -I decide to go public about it
    -She gets pissed because I tell her if she can't just accept it then she's losing her son
    -She pulls all funds from me and cuts me off
    -Dad tells me to cool it and to wait before I decide to take out a student loan
    -I dont know what the fuck to do because my family is falling apart, I have NO money, but I definitely don't want to take out a loan if we can handle this ourselves.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2014 2:43 PM GMT


    " My father is telling me to just wait and he needs to talk to my mom and we all need to talk but what am I suppose to do now?"

    " Should I wait for my dad to handle things (he is very level headed and doesnt want me taking out loans),"

    I think you should contact your Dad and explain what happened to your money and that you need some to survive. Keep anger at your Mom out of the conversation and treat Dad with respect as he's being level headed about this. icon_wink.gif

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    Feb 21, 2014 2:48 PM GMT
    Yeah, sadly with him he doesn't know how to work a computer very well. He makes all the money, but my mom handles ALL finances. But Im thinking you're right and maybe I should just let my dad know and wait for him to mediate things...
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    Feb 21, 2014 3:00 PM GMT


    I think, as well, that your Mom and sister have to understand this is about love, which is more, much more, than sex. That's something they're more likely to understand. However, you can't make them change; they have to do it by themselves, and when that happens, embrace them and let them know how much they matter.

    warmly
    -Doug
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    Feb 21, 2014 3:17 PM GMT
    It does sound like your mother is overly controlling. Mothers tend to be to some degree, they resist letting their children grow up and away from them. That's normal, but you may have a more extreme example. Your more understanding father may be the ally you need. Does he know about the hair follicle test?

    I suspect the privacy your family wants is their own, as much as yours. They don't want their own reputations stained with a gay son or brother.

    Plus a good part of the US still believes gay or bisexual is just a reversible phase, a self-inflicted condition. They're assured this by preachers, politicians, and pundits in the media, and phonies making money off it like Michele Bachmann's husband. But if you go public with a gay declaration they feel it makes it more difficult to go back straight later on.

    Your problem, of course, is your financial dependence. It's like the economic sanctions world countries force on one another, to compel behavior.

    You have the choice to comply, or defy and go it alone, if you can. Your father MAY be the way to strike a compromise with your more controlling mother. In any case I don't see a simple & magical solution here, since you say at present you have no income sources of your own.

    BTW, I know your part of the country a little. I used to visit to periodically inspect a small Army Reserve unit located there, not sure if it still exists.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2014 3:23 PM GMT
    take the loans. apply for grants. file your FAFSA. you may be eligible for other aid you aren't aware of. but be your own financially independent person.

    so you'll have student loans. so what? after you graduate you'll get a job and six months later you can start paying them back.

    college at your age is a once in a lifetime opportunity. live your life as you want -- not as others want. be your own man.

    this isn't to say to leave family out of your life...but this is a perfect opportunity for you to start growing as an independent adult.
  • Import

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    Feb 21, 2014 3:59 PM GMT
    I dunno, dude. I would wait to see what your dad says. Your dad may be able to act as a mediator.

    Taking out a loan may be more difficult than you think. Ugh, and to be indebted $50k striaght outta undergrad? Your monthly payments will be $400+ a month. I would try and avoid a loan at all costs. Your mom clearly sounds a bit.... psycho-ish, BUT they are footing the bill for u to be in Hawaii? I dunno. It says in ur profile that ur first location is in Indiana...and ur second location Hawaii (assuming youre going to school there)
    Hawaii ain't cheap. Maybe she's a bit resentlful you're so far away? and living this Hawaiin lifestyle on their dime while they toil away back home in Indiana?

    Either way, having $50k in student loan debt will literally fucking suck. I know u cant understand this yet.... because you're still in undergrad and you've probably never had any debt before, but trust me.... it will suck. You will graduate....and owe $50k almost right away. If u go into grad school that's fine.... u wont owe right away...that $50k will prob turn into likr $60k cuz of interest accruing on it while in grad school. How will u pay for grad school too? more loans?

    Try and get ur Dad and ur sister on ur side and talk some sense into ur Mom.
    I mean they kinda already accept u... maybeit'll just take more time and talking...hopefully with the help of ur dad u all can hash this out.
    And chill with the facebook posts. OK, you're gay...or bi, or pansexual or whatever. Like, we get it. OK. It's great you've come out. But it's also great to have mom and dad supporting u financially while u study.

    Anyway, good luck. Hopefully, your Dad will act as some type of mediator or voice of reason
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Feb 21, 2014 4:41 PM GMT
    Sounds like your mom doesn't respect your boundaries.

    But there are several issues here all tangled up together. Good idea to get them separated out and taken care of 1 by 1.

    I agree that taking out a loan should be a last resort. Asking your dad to mediate this may be the way to go.

    Beyond that, though, this issue with your mom is going to continue so long as you don't lay down the law with her. I get it, this is difficult due to the $$, but hopefully this will not always be the case. I had to put my parents on very limited contact several times to get it through their thick sculls that *they* were not the controllers of my life, that their opinions of it were out of line, uncalled for and unwelcome.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2014 4:57 PM GMT
    You are not going to like my answer .
    Got the loan , and a part time job to start paying it . You have been very fortunate to have been financially helped by your parents for so long , you should be thankful and not angry .
    Most of the students in the U.S , have to get an part-time job to be able to survive , you aren't different , so it might be time for you wake up !
    When it comes to your parents and your sexuality , they have no right to tell you what to do , but you have and only will have one mum in your life , try to save the loving relationship you had for so long , be patient , she loves you and she will turn around ...
    Best of luck ,
    Cheers
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2014 11:55 PM GMT
    I really appreciate all of your replies. You have all given me perspectives to think about, but I believe I will be waiting to see what my dad can do for the situation. My semester is already paid off and I should have to pay rent again until next month so waiting a little couldnt hurt... Thank you to everyone for your feedback, i appreciate it.