Dating "discreet"/closeted guys who are in their 30's...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 23, 2014 3:34 PM GMT
    So I was very late coming out myself and I completely empathize with guys who are in their 30's+ who are not out. Being out comes with some degree of risk and I was scared shitless to tell my family and buds. But with so much happening in the last two years, so many gays coming out and all the straight people backing gay equality, the momentum is clearly in our direction. It's hard to not feel like these guys need to man up just a little.

    I've been on several recent dates with closeted guys and it's been so awful versus other dates. I'm used to a first date being friendly and pretty easy going.... like grabbing a beer at a cool bar or a drink at a coffee shop. But two of my dates were afraid to come out of their car until multiple texts. Another guy wanted to listen to my voicemail to make sure I was masculine before he would come in... And a 4th guy had restrictions on what part of town we could meet in for fear he might bump into someone who knew him. And then each of these guys expected that we were going to go somewhere (like the parking lot) and have sex on the first date. Whether match.com, okcupid or a4a, whether white, Latino or Black, it's been the same experience if the guy wasn't out.

    Maybe this is a local thing?


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    Feb 23, 2014 3:38 PM GMT

    " And then each of these guys expected that we were going to go somewhere (like the parking lot) and have sex on the first date."

    =O Red flag right there.
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    Feb 23, 2014 3:42 PM GMT
    well.... i only cam out a years ago and i have never been on a date in my life with anyone but i can see where your coming from with the car park thing as i am now on a dating site and it seems before they have said hi they want my number and pictures i mean isnt that what the messaging service on a dating site is for to chat ? and from what i have seen also there are alot of lads around my town who are not out but what i dont get is how they meet so many others when they aint out and yet i cant meet anyone for a proper thing or anyone decent.

    Hope this is some form of answer icon_smile.gif
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Feb 23, 2014 3:45 PM GMT
    Myol saidSo I was very late coming out myself and I completely empathize with guys who are in their 30's+ who are not out. Being out comes with some degree of risk and I was scared shitless to tell my family and buds. But with so much happening in the last two years, so many gays coming out and all the straight people backing gay equality, the momentum is clearly in our direction. It's hard to not feel like these guys need to man up just a little.

    I've been on several recent dates with closeted guys and it's been so awful versus other dates. I'm used to a first date being friendly and pretty easy going.... like grabbing a beer at a cool bar or a drink at a coffee shop. But two of my dates were afraid to come out of their car until multiple texts. Another guy wanted to listen to my voicemail to make sure I was masculine before he would come in... And a 4th guy had restrictions on what part of town we could meet in for fear he might bump into someone who knew him. And then each of these guys expected that we were going to go somewhere (like the parking lot) and have sex on the first date. Whether match.com, okcupid or a4a, whether white, Latino or Black, it's been the same experience if the guy wasn't out.

    Maybe this is a local thing?



    Just leave a superfem outgoing voicemail message to cut out the riffraff.icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 23, 2014 3:57 PM GMT
    Dennis89 saidwell.... i only cam out a years ago and i have never been on a date in my life with anyone but i can see where your coming from with the car park thing as i am now on a dating site and it seems before they have said hi they want my number and pictures i mean isnt that what the messaging service on a dating site is for to chat ? and from what i have seen also there are alot of lads around my town who are not out but what i dont get is how they meet so many others when they aint out and yet i cant meet anyone for a proper thing or anyone decent.

    Hope this is some form of answer icon_smile.gif


    God, I hate when they ask for extra pictures straight away. If I like the first pic enough to meet them, then I want to meet them not stare at pics like a teenage girl. One time when I was leaving the gym a guy messaged me on Grindr to say he had seen me in the locker room and thought I had a great body. Then he asked for pics! What is the point in pics when you have seen me in real life?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 23, 2014 4:17 PM GMT
    Myol saidMaybe this is a local thing?

    I think common enough everywhere in the US, the degree depending on the guy and the amount of risk he believes he's facing from community exposure. I've had those experiences you mention with closeted guys, and here's some more:

    - don't walk too close together in public, it looks "queer"
    - never discuss "last night" anywhere in public
    - don't look at him with a gleam in my eyes
    - park my car outdoors so he can use my garage to conceal his own car from view during an overnighter
    - let him stay until early afternoon so he won't be seen leaving my place in the morning
    - let him keep some clothes in my closet, so he isn't seen wearing the same thing he had the night before when he leaves next day
    - having to coordinate cover stories to explain why his friends see us together so often

    The list goes on. But always I thought these guys would come out over time, and this nonsense would eventually end. But it never did, and that's when I'd say enough, and make my goodbyes. And in 2 cases I know the guys are still closeted and single to this day, years later.
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    Feb 23, 2014 4:31 PM GMT
    Ohno said
    Dennis89 saidwell.... i only cam out a years ago and i have never been on a date in my life with anyone but i can see where your coming from with the car park thing as i am now on a dating site and it seems before they have said hi they want my number and pictures i mean isnt that what the messaging service on a dating site is for to chat ? and from what i have seen also there are alot of lads around my town who are not out but what i dont get is how they meet so many others when they aint out and yet i cant meet anyone for a proper thing or anyone decent.

    Hope this is some form of answer icon_smile.gif


    God, I hate when they ask for extra pictures straight away. If I like the first pic enough to meet them, then I want to meet them not stare at pics like a teenage girl. One time when I was leaving the gym a guy messaged me on Grindr to say he had seen me in the locker room and thought I had a great body. Then he asked for pics! What is the point in pics when you have seen me in real life?
    haha its annoying aint it i mean its like can i see you cock and what ever i mean come on do i look like a person who actually has time to take these pictures and store them on my mobile just for others and yeah if he saw you why didnt he just message fancy a chat in person or something, although i may just get grindr again to see who is in my gym but i aint one for "meets"
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Feb 23, 2014 4:34 PM GMT
    haha the whole "voicemail to see if u sound masc" thing is pretty sad.

    You should have left the most faggoty, flamboyant voice email ever. like "hey gurrrl, heyyyy..." like a shrieking queen.... and then at the end of the VM... get super masc and leave him wondering wtf is up with u?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 23, 2014 4:35 PM GMT
    Import saidhaha the whole "voicemail to see if u sound masc" thing is pretty sad.

    You should have left the most faggoty, flamboyant voice email ever. like "hey gurrrl, heyyyy..." like a shrieking queen.... and then at the end of the VM... get super masc and leave him wondering wtf is up with u?
    haha
  • killercliche

    Posts: 948

    Feb 23, 2014 6:17 PM GMT
    Ohno said
    Dennis89 saidwell.... i only cam out a years ago and i have never been on a date in my life with anyone but i can see where your coming from with the car park thing as i am now on a dating site and it seems before they have said hi they want my number and pictures i mean isnt that what the messaging service on a dating site is for to chat ? and from what i have seen also there are alot of lads around my town who are not out but what i dont get is how they meet so many others when they aint out and yet i cant meet anyone for a proper thing or anyone decent.

    Hope this is some form of answer icon_smile.gif


    God, I hate when they ask for extra pictures straight away. If I like the first pic enough to meet them, then I want to meet them not stare at pics like a teenage girl. One time when I was leaving the gym a guy messaged me on Grindr to say he had seen me in the locker room and thought I had a great body. Then he asked for pics! What is the point in pics when you have seen me in real life?


    Obviously to show your pics to his girlfriend so she can decide if you are hot enough to date.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 23, 2014 6:30 PM GMT
    "...It's hard to not feel like these guys need to man up just a little."

    Yes and thanks for that (just a little is all I'm asking)--a slight change for you isn't it?
    Is this really happening in Austin? I was use to it in Podunk on the high plains.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 23, 2014 6:30 PM GMT
    Def a local thing. I'm not really out but I'm cool meeting someone in public. However, I DO make certain he's masculine before as well. Not because I'm afraid or embarrassed to be around someone like that who could give me away, but cuz I'm not attracted to fem guys.
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    Feb 23, 2014 6:43 PM GMT
    hellass saidDef a local thing. I'm not really out but I'm cool meeting someone in public. However, I DO make certain he's masculine before as well. Not because I'm afraid or embarrassed to be around someone like that who could give me away, but cuz I'm not attracted to fem guys.
    you know all this masc and fem thing i actually would like to know what i would be as im not all prissy and like getting my hands dirty etc but some people say my voice is a give away yet others say it dont icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 23, 2014 6:47 PM GMT
    It's even worse on gay smartphone apps. It's just an endless grid of headless torsos with "masculine only" in the profile text. You figure they'd all connect with each other by now. icon_lol.gif
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    Feb 23, 2014 10:09 PM GMT
    YourName2000 saidNo friggin' way I'd ever date a closeted person. Users and liars, one and all.

    "Hi, in our relationship I require you to honor who I'm pretending to be, by you pretending not to be who you actually are." ....yeah, good luck with that. icon_rolleyes.gif


    I also think how closeted plays a role... Not telling your grandma and staying on the down low are different things, eh?
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    Feb 24, 2014 2:48 AM GMT
    YourName2000 saidNo friggin' way I'd ever date a closeted person. Users and liars, one and all.

    "Hi, in our relationship I require you to honor who I'm pretending to be, by you pretending not to be who you actually are." ....yeah, good luck with that. icon_rolleyes.gif


    I think maybe that's the best approach. I can't deal with all the rules.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2014 3:14 AM GMT
    I have dated closeted guys before, it didn't work for me, it is hard to be romantic even harder to be out in public without him being worried about being seen. I would let it go with the closeted guys, you are out and pass that stage though you feel sympathetic for them, they do not accept themselves yet and should not be dating until they are out ( in my opinion).
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    Feb 24, 2014 3:26 AM GMT
    YourName2000 saidNo friggin' way I'd ever date a closeted person. Users and liars, one and all.

    "Hi, in our relationship I require you to honor who I'm pretending to be, by you pretending not to be who you actually are." ....yeah, good luck with that. icon_rolleyes.gif

    Yes, that pretty much sums up the relationships I had with closeted guys. But you gotta understand at the time I was in a very desolate & desperate place in my life, with few people around, and almost no gays, had to settle for what little I could get. It was called North Dakota. icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2014 4:59 AM GMT
    Those of us who came out later in life are quick to judge those still in the closet. And by "quick" I mean the second we come out, we expect everyone else to.

    Obviously, we can't all be philanthropists gently helping closeted guys out of the closet. If you don't like the rules, don't date them. Let them date each other. But lets not be too harsh in condemning their reasons for the choices they make. We were in their shoes not so very long ago.

    In other news, you sure seem to be popular with the boys.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3521

    Feb 24, 2014 5:22 AM GMT
    rule one: dont date anyone whose cock you havent seen
    rule two: dont date anyone you havent met or skyped
    rule three: if they are not eating their momma's groceries and they are not out, they are not grownups so not suitable dates.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2014 5:25 AM GMT
    YourName2000 saidNo friggin' way I'd ever date a closeted person. Users and liars, one and all.

    "Hi, in our relationship I require you to honor who I'm pretending to be, by you pretending not to be who you actually are." ....yeah, good luck with that. icon_rolleyes.gif


    Isn't that interesting...my longest relationship was with another closeted guy...our relationship lasted longer than many OUT guys' did. What does that say? Your generalization is pure B.S.
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    Feb 24, 2014 5:35 AM GMT
    YourName2000 said^^ You're projecting. Some of us came out in high school. If you want to empathize, empathize with us....being asked to go back in the closet after you've come out? --Hell no. icon_rolleyes.gif

    You clearly didn't understand my post at all.
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    Feb 24, 2014 5:46 AM GMT
    TheWhiteMan saidFunny how closeted guys always shame out gays.

    Jealousy


    The only jealousy that is harboured is from out gays. The ones who have issues with closeted guys is because they could never get away with being closeted because they're too obvious.
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    Feb 24, 2014 5:50 AM GMT
    hellass said
    TheWhiteMan saidFunny how closeted guys always shame out gays.

    Jealousy


    The only jealousy that is harboured is from out gays. The ones who have issues with closeted guys is because they could never get away with being closeted because they're too obvious.


    Flamboyant or not, gay men who come out are much stronger than closeted gays, and they are the ones who win us our rights.
  • killercliche

    Posts: 948

    Feb 24, 2014 7:04 AM GMT
    YourName2000 saidNo friggin' way I'd ever date a closeted person. Users and liars, one and all.


    Love the sweeping generalizations. Such useless creatures; We'd be best off burning them at the stake, eh?