coming out


  • Feb 24, 2014 12:54 AM GMT
    i have previously came out to my family,
    I have said to them that i want a boyfriend in the future and i am not acttracted to women at all

    but being that my family is ignorant and quite conservative they dont accept with my mother calling me a having a boyfriend is a disease/disorder.

    im not sure what to at this point .. i was hoping they woukd be more accepting as i know my sister and dad have gay friends but unfortuantely i had to put up with homophobic comments like i said before my mum calling it a disease and my sister says if worse stuff

    im not sure if i can convince them of anything as they are very stubborn
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    Feb 24, 2014 1:23 AM GMT
    Show this to them:


  • Feb 24, 2014 5:01 PM GMT
    Broseph saidThe might just need some time. You'd be surprised what that can do. They might need some education too...


    yh i definitely agree, after living 20 odd years in london they still don't like indians , blacks , muslims, whites and japanese
    my dad told that he will never want 'ugly ' black children

    they have asked if i was gay a few times in teens so i know they suspected it but considering that i thought they would got used to the idea but obviously not
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    Feb 24, 2014 5:04 PM GMT
    Broseph saidThe might just need some time. You'd be surprised what that can do. They might need some education too...

    I agree. I think once the seed is planted, they become much more aware and sensitive to the idea. They'll need time to think about it and understand what it means but as you continue to embrace who you really are, they'll come around. It's not a choice they can make for you, it's not something they can change, you are who you are and being gay is who you are. I would just ensure you don't rub it in their face, be sensitive to their feelings but not to the point where you're 'in the closet' again.

    It took you 23 years to come to terms with who you are, they could use a little time too. I would look to enjoy doing things you always do. If you date, enjoy a date but don't bring them home quite yet. If they ask, tell them you're going out with and leave it at that. When they see you're happy, it will help them with processing that you're serious.

    Good luck and remember, you have a big support group here on RJ. Reach out if you're struggling, we've all been there and can help with sharing ideas and experiences with you.
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    Feb 24, 2014 5:06 PM GMT
    openmindedyello said
    Broseph saidThe might just need some time. You'd be surprised what that can do. They might need some education too...


    yh i definitely agree, after living 20 odd years in london they still don't like indians , blacks , muslims, whites and japanese
    my dad told that he will never want 'ugly ' black children

    they have asked if i was gay a few times in teens so i know they suspected it but considering that i thought they would got used to the idea but obviously not

    You know if they're really struggling with the idea and you're not happy with how bigoted and racially insensitive they are then you really should focus on building a plan to move out. If that means working harder and saving more in order to make the move, it would most likely be in your best interest.

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    Feb 24, 2014 5:19 PM GMT
    Stay level-headed, and be patient.

    You have to understand that we live in a time where homosexuality is still in the process of being understood and accepted. Even many of the Millennials grew up hearing bigoted, hateful comments about the LGBT community in general, so it is to be expected that even someone as young as your sister may have a completely misguided understanding of what being gay is like.

    I would personally recommend not exerting anymore pressure on them while you are still dependent on your parents for providing shelter, food, etc. If you are still dependent on them, then think of it as giving them time to gradually come to accept you for who you are and do what you can to not bring up the subject until they do.

    Even if you are financially independent, it is not in your best interest to pressure them into accepting you. Try to think of the matter from their point of view. It is often easy to believe that the hateful comments your parents make about gay people are directed toward you as well, but it could be that your parents don't understand much about homosexuality and are genuinely concerned for your well-being. Now that your parents know that you are gay, they just might start looking into learning about what homosexuality is; you can also teach them a thing or two about the LGBT community in general every once in a while. Again, don't be aggressive, but be patient and sympathetic. It may take years, but, once they see that you are and always have been the same person that they raised, respected and loved (gay or straight), they will come around eventually.
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    Feb 25, 2014 12:20 AM GMT
    openmindedyello saidi have previously came out to my family,
    I have said to them that i want a boyfriend in the future and i am not acttracted to women at all

    but being that my family is ignorant and quite conservative they dont accept with my mother calling me a having a boyfriend is a disease/disorder.

    im not sure what to at this point .. i was hoping they woukd be more accepting as i know my sister and dad have gay friends but unfortuantely i had to put up with homophobic comments like i said before my mum calling it a disease and my sister says if worse stuff

    im not sure if i can convince them of anything as they are very stubborn


    You can only change the way that you feel. You can't really change the way that others feel.

    Lead your life. If your hateful parents come along, fine; if not, there's not a thing you can do to change it.

    Part of maturity is acceptance. Put on your big boy pants and lead your life.

  • Feb 25, 2014 2:02 AM GMT
    chuckystud said
    openmindedyello saidi have previously came out to my family,
    I have said to them that i want a boyfriend in the future and i am not acttracted to women at all

    but being that my family is ignorant and quite conservative they dont accept with my mother calling me a having a boyfriend is a disease/disorder.

    im not sure what to at this point .. i was hoping they woukd be more accepting as i know my sister and dad have gay friends but unfortuantely i had to put up with homophobic comments like i said before my mum calling it a disease and my sister says if worse stuff

    im not sure if i can convince them of anything as they are very stubborn


    You can only change the way that you feel. You can't really change the way that others feel.

    Lead your life. If your hateful parents come along, fine; if not, there's not a thing you can do to change it.

    Part of maturity is acceptance. Put on your big boy pants and lead your life.



    i dont have big boy pants as I dont wear underwear lol
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    Feb 25, 2014 3:43 AM GMT
    I agree with what was already said, Give them some time, it is a process. Many are always ignorant of what they do not know or understand. Like my father ( whom it took three years to accept), they have to see evidence that you are living your life, you're still their son and most of all that you are happy. When parents see that their child is happy, despite what their views are or have been, it gives them no other choice but to make the effort to accept it and embrace it eventually.

    Only time will tell but hang in there, it will improve and this too shall pass!!!
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    Feb 25, 2014 3:43 AM GMT
    Considering their prejudice against all sorts of people and how long they've clung to those prejudices, you should be prepared for the possibility that they may never accept the fact that you are gay. At 23 years old, you are entitled to your own opinions. Therefore, it would not be out of order for you to point out that, as Asians, they have no right to complain about people who don't like them for being Asians if they are unwilling to accept people of other ethnicities. If they have any sense of social justice, they should be able to see that if it is clearly and firmly pointed out to them. If they are able to overcome those prejudices, then there is a greater possibility that they may be able to accept you as gay.
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    Feb 25, 2014 9:16 AM GMT
    I agree with FREO

    I appreciate the optimism of prior posts but, one prejudice precludes multiple prejudices aka bigotry.

    Sorry, be well.
  • brickboy1966

    Posts: 359

    Feb 25, 2014 11:40 AM GMT
    Don't give up on them. They will come around.
  • dragonbunny

    Posts: 57

    Feb 25, 2014 2:16 PM GMT
    They will never come around, they are prejudiced Asians and think they are superior to all other races. The homosexuality is just a side issue. Get on with your life, nevertheless. You are a Westerner now and don't need to put up with the baggage your parents brought with them from Asia.
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    Feb 25, 2014 3:26 PM GMT
    I think the statement before mine was very harsh.
    I recently came out to my parents as well, that is the hardest step man. Just remember you have had years to accept that you are gay, its not to say that your parents will never accept you, it is just a huge shock to them, that they need to process in their own ways.
    My dad doesn't understand it (he is old school and they made fun of gays when they were younger)but he says he doesn't love me any less. He thought that being gay is who I am, that is far from the truth, being gay is not who you are or who you were raised to be, it is only part of you. And as mentioned already, you have a huge support base here on realjock icon_biggrin.gif
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    Feb 25, 2014 4:38 PM GMT
    I came out when I was 21 years old.

    I knew that I was gay and going to stay gay by age 19. Before then, I always thought that my attraction for guys was a yearning for 'bromance' and was just a phase that would pass.

    It took me two years to come out to my family because although I knew that my sexual orientation would be tolerated, I wanted it to be accepted and that would take energy I wasn't ready to manifest at the time.
    In my case, I knew my family (parents aunts uncles and cousins) well enough to know that it wouldn't be enough to come out, it would take constant reminders on my part and demonstrations showing them that I was comfortable with myself being gay.
    The thought was that my comfortability would guide their's... eventually. Luckily, I was correct... I knew that it would take years for everyone to be totally fine with my sexual orientation and that was only if I did not back down to their reflexive sweeping uncomfortable concepts under the rug...
    It took me about 2 years to muster the energy that I knew it would take to not really just come out, as much as to prove myself as more than a gay man, by staying out. I hope that makes sense....

    Living with my parents was both easier and harder at first... When I would go out, I'd tell them that I had a date... sometimes it was a lie, I may be just going out with friends... but I wanted to reinforce a standard that Im not going to hide myself.... Through time, their silence moved from asking me about my night, to asking me about the date to asking me about the guy! This took time and constant vigilance but It worked as I thought it would.

    At family gatherings I would either bring a date, or have at least one open discussion about my recent discoveries in the gay community... there were many awkward moments at first, but I did not let it stop me, eventually I had family member asking very intriguing questions that you could tell they always wandered about...

    My relationship with my family changed as well too. The more open I was about myself through time, the more i felt loved and valued....

    Nowadays... I don't do that nearly as much. I don't feel like I need to. Putting the work in earlier has gradually allowed my whole family to move from tolerant to accepting... now its like ehhhh, whatever!

    By a happy and unforseen coincidence, doing what I did had also been a major exercise in accepting myself as a gay man; a circumstance that up until recently I wasn't willing to see for myself.
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    Feb 25, 2014 5:01 PM GMT
    Ryan_ saidI think the statement before mine was very harsh.
    I recently came out to my parents as well, that is the hardest step man. Just remember you have had years to accept that you are gay, its not to say that your parents will never accept you, it is just a huge shock to them, that they need to process in their own ways.
    My dad doesn't understand it (he is old school and they made fun of gays when they were younger)but he says he doesn't love me any less. He thought that being gay is who I am, that is far from the truth, being gay is not who you are or who you were raised to be, it is only part of you. And as mentioned already, you have a huge support base here on realjock icon_biggrin.gif

    You're a wise young man and you'll do fine I suspect. Nice reply, great support, good luck! You too have a lot of support here if you need it!
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    Feb 25, 2014 5:12 PM GMT
    eb925guy said
    icon_biggrin.gif

    You're a wise young man and you'll do fine I suspect. Nice reply, great support, good luck! You too have a lot of support here if you need it!


    agreed
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    Feb 25, 2014 9:16 PM GMT
    When I was 20, I was outed. I had recently dropped out of the University of Minnesota (I ended up getting my degree 11 years late) and my father sent me to see a psychiatrist to get to the root of my academic problems. After a couple sessions, the psychiatrist basically tricked me into giving him permission to tell my parents that I was gay. The reaction was horrible; I was disowned and disinherited during a very ugly scene.

    Later, my parents backed down and the situation became much better. It wasn't until decades later that I found out what had happened. A doctor and his wife, who were friends of the family, persuaded my parents that they were being much too harsh and successfully prevailed upon them to relent.

    Just about anything is possible, but of course there are varying degrees of possible. In the case of the OP, if the parents have friends who are more reasonable, it could be helpful to request them to intervene.
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    Feb 25, 2014 9:25 PM GMT
    openmindedyello saidi have previously came out to my family...

    ...im not sure if i can convince them of anything as they are very stubborn


    You are not responsible for their growth and maturation. I'd stop worring about winning their approval. Live your life and by example show them you are not diseased but are as "normal" as they are.
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    Feb 25, 2014 10:45 PM GMT
    dragonbunny saidThey will never come around, they are prejudiced Asians and think they are superior to all other races. The homosexuality is just a side issue. Get on with your life, nevertheless. You are a Westerner now and don't need to put up with the baggage your parents brought with them from Asia.


    Well, that was a tad abrasive.

    Anyway, it's good that you came out to your family, but so far I wouldn't bother convincing them if they're that stubborn, or just give them some time. As aforementioned you should work on trying to move out, but for now just do your own thing. Hopefully things will look up soon.

  • Feb 26, 2014 3:44 PM GMT
    well i thought would my sister would be ok considering she has gay friends but no.

    well my dad hasn't said anything but again homophobic with gay friends.

    i did say to my family that im not attracted to women but think it went unheeded especially with my dad cos he has not acknowledged anything
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    Feb 26, 2014 3:52 PM GMT
    openmindedyello saidwell i thought would my sister would be ok considering she has gay friends but no.

    well my dad hasn't said anything but again homophobic with gay friends.

    i did say to my family that im not attracted to women but think it went unheeded especially with my dad cos he has not acknowledged anything


    Yeaaaa - ehhh maybe ask her why she is friendly with gay guys.


  • Karl

    Posts: 5787

    Feb 26, 2014 4:01 PM GMT
    I'm totally related to this.
    Everything needs time for processing .
    Stay positive and you'll be ok.
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    Feb 26, 2014 4:39 PM GMT
    openmindedyello saidwell i thought would my sister would be ok considering she has gay friends but no.
    well my dad hasn't said anything but again homophobic with gay friends.
    i did say to my family that im not attracted to women but think it went unheeded especially with my dad cos he has not acknowledged anything

    I doubt it went unheard, they just feel uncomfortable so they don't know what to say but I'm willing to bet that they're thinking of it. Give it time, don't push it and don't rush it. Be the same person you've always been but don't be afraid to acknowledge that you're gay.

    Congrats again, you'll do fine. Keep your head held hi, you did a very brave thing coming out, now let them figure out who THEY are.
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    Feb 26, 2014 4:48 PM GMT
    openmindedyello said
    Broseph saidThe might just need some time. You'd be surprised what that can do. They might need some education too...


    yh i definitely agree, after living 20 odd years in london they still don't like indians , blacks , muslims, whites and japanese
    my dad told that he will never want 'ugly ' black children

    they have asked if i was gay a few times in teens so i know they suspected it but considering that i thought they would got used to the idea but obviously not


    I'm sorry to hear that.
    they sounds like those very stubborn conservative Chinese people >_>