for those in relationships...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 22, 2008 4:32 AM GMT
    with soooooo many options out there and opportunities to just fool around, what was it about your "one" that brought you to the point that you were ready to settle down with him and only him?
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    Dec 23, 2008 5:09 PM GMT


    ...are you in that situation right now?
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    Dec 23, 2008 7:21 PM GMT
    Excellent question! At the time I met my partner I defiantly was taking advantage of what you described as “many options out there”. I was not even looking for a long term relationship. But, I agreed to go on a date with this hot, funny, smart, caring, guy….and before I realized it 12 years has passed!

    I can’t say there was one specific thing that made me realize he was the “one”. There were a multitude of things. We were/are madly in love. We got along as if we had known each other all our lives. He got along very well with my family. We had the same career and financial goals. He was loyal, caring, loving, and kind. I could not image spending the rest of my life with anyone else.

    I tell folks that are starting up new relationships that it takes work. Treat your boyfriend with the same respect you would a friend. Build upon each experience with each other. And understand no one is perfect. I like to say that I married my best friend.

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    Dec 23, 2008 7:27 PM GMT
    I don't know if my boyfriend is the "one" but I do know that right now I don't see myself with anyone else, and we just take our relationship one day at a time.
  • thisguy023

    Posts: 204

    Dec 23, 2008 7:40 PM GMT

    Very difficult question.
    I guess it is because he makes me feel totally at ease. And he makes me step through life lighter. A life without him just seems totally inconceivable to me. It’s as complicated and as simple as that.

    Of course there are lots of hot opportunities out there, but those make it more fun to stick with this guy.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 23, 2008 7:41 PM GMT
    Having dated cheaters in the past and caught them in the act I remember that feeling of betrayal. Why would anyone want to make someone they have ANY feeling for, feel that way.

    If you find "the one" could you honestly hurt him that much?
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    Dec 23, 2008 7:53 PM GMT
    Even when I was slutting around and having incredible sexual fun, I knew I wouldn't be happy with that forever. It was fun and it was a gay "ticket punch" but I also understood I was just marking time until my future partner came along.

    When that guy did appear it didn't take any effort on my part to close one door in my life and to open another one. He didn't have to ask me to turn my back on that scene, I came running into his arms. And I've been happy ever since; guess I'm just the marrying kind. icon_biggrin.gif


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    Dec 23, 2008 8:52 PM GMT
    We've talked about it, and it all just comes down to the fact that some people are meant for monogamy, and some aren't, I guess. We both are, so it becomes a matter of integrity, respect, and maintained trust. I wouldn't do anything purposefully to hurt my partner or jeopardize a very fulfilling relationship, so I keep my dick firmly in my pants when he's not around. Some folks are very fulfilled by open relationships, and I don't judge them for it at all...but I know it's not for me.
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    Dec 23, 2008 9:15 PM GMT
    zdrew saidWe've talked about it, and it all just comes down to the fact that some people are meant for monogamy, and some aren't, I guess. We both are, so it becomes a matter of integrity, respect, and maintained trust. I wouldn't do anything purposefully to hurt my partner or jeopardize a very fulfilling relationship, so I keep my dick firmly in my pants when he's not around. Some folks are very fulfilled by open relationships, and I don't judge them for it at all...but I know it's not for me.


    For all the pixels I have spilled in defense of open relationships this is my situation and sentiment exactly.

    At some point while dating, we made a commitment. The relationship we wanted was monogamous and we both felt that was best for us. But, relationships are dynamic things. In a year we could be in a different place and reassess what we need.
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    Dec 23, 2008 9:20 PM GMT
    Muncher, your pixels weren't wasted. If a guy as reasoned and intelligent as you can condone them, I figure it's pretty damn stupid to automatically discount open relationships. Like you, I'm not ever going to rule anything out, and I think that's a key to a healthy relationship -- they can't go stagnant. That said, I'm hard pressed (that's for your LalaPaulooza, btw...) at this point to imagine the dynamic of an open relationship working for me.
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    Dec 23, 2008 9:36 PM GMT
    GobB saidwith soooooo many options out there and opportunities to just fool around, what was it about your "one" that brought you to the point that you were ready to settle down with him and only him?


    two words: Love and Committment
    with out those, you're just dating -- or have no clue as to who is "the one"

    and sure, over time you can stray but that because you've lost the "love" or some part of it.

    If you want to fuck around, get out of the "relationship" or see if he want to be and have playmates
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    Dec 23, 2008 9:37 PM GMT
    zdrew saidMuncher, your pixels weren't wasted. If a guy as reasoned and intelligent as you can condone them, I figure it's pretty damn stupid to automatically discount open relationships. Like you, I'm not ever going to rule anything out, and I think that's a key to a healthy relationship -- they can't go stagnant. That said, I'm hard pressed (that's for your LalaPaulooza, btw...) at this point to imagine the dynamic of an open relationship working for me.


    glad to hear they weren't wasted. It is all part of my not-so-secret plot for a hot monogamous couple on monogamous couple foursome.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Dec 23, 2008 9:47 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie said
    zdrew saidMuncher, your pixels weren't wasted. If a guy as reasoned and intelligent as you can condone them, I figure it's pretty damn stupid to automatically discount open relationships. Like you, I'm not ever going to rule anything out, and I think that's a key to a healthy relationship -- they can't go stagnant. That said, I'm hard pressed (that's for your LalaPaulooza, btw...) at this point to imagine the dynamic of an open relationship working for me.


    glad to hear they weren't wasted. It is all part of my not-so-secret plot for a hot monogamous couple on monogamous couple foursome.


    You know, if the b&c and I were ever to open our relationship up, I think another couple would be less messy than just a third. Is that weird?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 23, 2008 10:11 PM GMT
    GobB saidwith soooooo many options out there and opportunities to just fool around, what was it about your "one" that brought you to the point that you were ready to settle down with him and only him?


    Well I am HIV+ so even if I was interested I would think twice about opening the relationship. I am by nature monogamous, but in the past I would get antsy having my bf around all the time. If I wanted to stray I would break up with the bf before cheating on him.

    With my partner it was not really like that after awhile. If he was gone for even one night I would miss him. We hate spending time apart. Maybe it is an age thing, IDK.

    If something happens to the two of us, I will take a vow of chastity and retire to a monastery for agnostics. icon_sad.gif
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    Dec 23, 2008 10:28 PM GMT
    That's weird, I did not read the question as being about monogamy. Maybe it was /is.

    We aren't monogamous, never have been (and it is now 10 years). However we are emotionally monogamous.

    I know I did not decide, my relationship was the result of a tranquilizer dart.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 23, 2008 10:30 PM GMT
    It just happened during our LONG chat 4th - 5th of january, 2008.
    Somehow I realized: HE IS THE ONE....and has been ever since.
    Found my man.
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    Dec 23, 2008 11:04 PM GMT
    ursamajor said
    We aren't monogamous, never have been (and it is now 10 years). However we are emotionally monogamous.


    That's a good distinction, and one worth considering long and hard, GobB. I would say emotional monogamy is the more important, in a heartbeat. At least to me. I imagine the difference between those who can and can't have open relationships has a lot to do with whether the parties involved can maintain emotional monogamy in the absence of physical monogamy. Am I right, Terry, or am I just being monotonous?
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    Dec 23, 2008 11:34 PM GMT
    zdrew said
    ursamajor said
    We aren't monogamous, never have been (and it is now 10 years). However we are emotionally monogamous.


    That's a good distinction, and one worth considering long and hard, GobB. I would say emotional monogamy is the more important, in a heartbeat. At least to me. I imagine the difference between those who can and can't have open relationships has a lot to do with whether the parties involved can maintain emotional monogamy in the absence of physical monogamy. Am I right, Terry, or am I just being monotonous?


    before i comment on this i just want you to clarify on who terry is please.
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    Dec 23, 2008 11:37 PM GMT
    streetbobfx saidExcellent question! At the time I met my partner I defiantly was taking advantage of what you described as “many options out there”. I was not even looking for a long term relationship. But, I agreed to go on a date with this hot, funny, smart, caring, guy….and before I realized it 12 years has passed!

    I can’t say there was one specific thing that made me realize he was the “one”. There were a multitude of things. We were/are madly in love. We got along as if we had known each other all our lives. He got along very well with my family. We had the same career and financial goals. He was loyal, caring, loving, and kind. I could not image spending the rest of my life with anyone else.

    I tell folks that are starting up new relationships that it takes work. Treat your boyfriend with the same respect you would a friend. Build upon each experience with each other. And understand no one is perfect. I like to say that I married my best friend.



    that is so sweet and very true! i wish my ex thought like you did! =)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 23, 2008 11:52 PM GMT
    I am Terry.

    The freedom to do whatever you want doesn't mean you are going to do it. In fact, freedom is a deterrent. (curious as that may sound).

    The day comes when you come to understand that no matter what happens your entire life and heart are at home. When that day rolls around you realize that your home is where both of you (my partner and I) are together (and that doesn't have to be a physical place either).

    This may sound perfectly obvious. However, I find that this definition of monogamy is infinitely more subtle and durable. I know, absolutely know, that I won't ever leave home.

    This is of particular importance to me.

    My father was an extreme version of responsibility. He worked for the US Government his entire life. He did everything for "security" and family.

    When he was in his eighties, after having lost two wives, he started running away from home (something about which I know he had always fantasized when I was a child).

    He would go out the door with (literally) a paper sack. He always said everything he needed he could keep in a paper sack (I know this is where I get it from).

    Funny thing is, he never went very far. Eventually he even rented his own apartment (away from his third wife) but he would just go there and sit for a couple of hours. He would fix a pot of coffee, drink it, and go back home.

    I do think it is possible to confuse what we do with our dicks with what we do with our hearts and our souls. My dick is my basic instinct, it is primal and important. I would never deny sex its importance. However, it is just sex and I know that. What I do with my heart and soul is truly important.

    Our relationship construct is not heterosexual. In fact our flirtations with marriage have always left us unsatisfied and we have never actually taken that step. We don't personally feel it necessary.

    What we do want, and both value, is hearth and home. We have three places, but our goal for the future has crystallized into one physical space that is the manifestation of our relationship as a family. That seems like such an important evolution for our journey.

    FYI March 3 2009 will be our 10th Anniversary.

    Terry
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    Dec 25, 2008 1:21 AM GMT
    meninlove said

    ...are you in that situation right now?


    thanks for all of the replies! this question arose because if a discussion i was having with a friend of mine about dating and relationships so i wanted to pose the question you u all. i loved reading the responses.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 25, 2008 2:01 AM GMT

    Thanks GobB, in our case, each of us never found playing around while single to be ideal or very much fun. Both of us are the type that feel sex is an extension of our feelings for another.

    We're just those kind of guys. We have HUGE respect for those that find sex and feelings of love are sometimes separate and can lightly step back and forth between the two. They have very fullfilling and happy relationships - just look at ursamajor, for instance. Pretty interesting and titillating stuff, but an ability neither of us have.


    Merry Christmas! Happy Hannukah!

  • DaToNY22

    Posts: 82

    Dec 28, 2008 4:06 AM GMT
    When I realized I loved the guy I knew that everyone else was just a blur. They couldn't give me what he already has. Wouldn't trade him for anything.
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    Dec 28, 2008 8:15 AM GMT
    I cannot not be monogamous. I simply can't imagine being in a relationship with someone, telling them "I love you" and then fu*king with someone else... it's not my thing.
    Besides - why would I want to sleep with someone else if I have a man whom I love - I can simply sleep with him icon_rolleyes.gif
    I'm not against polygamy - people can do whatever they want, it's just not for me, so I guess I don't really have a problem with being with just one person... at all icon_smile.gif