I've fallen for my teacher.

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    Dec 22, 2008 7:39 AM GMT
    Well first of all, let me introduce myself. I guess I feel like it'd be appropriate to introduce myself first, since this is just about my first time ever really getting involved with the... gay community. It's a pretty intimidating place for a guy who's just discovered his homosexuality a few years ago icon_confused.gif Surfing the net, reading all those articles about gay life, browsing forums, taking a walk alone through the Castro district, seeing all the openly gay people... scary stuff!

    Well, I'm 18, I'm a closeted bi/gay guy (not quite sure yet), and luckily, I was born, raised, and live in San Francisco. I was never really aware of the whole gay community when I was little. When I was in 5th grade, our teacher took us on a field trip to see a play about AIDs. After the play, one of the actors came onto stage to talk about the play and answer questions. One of my classmates asked if he was gay, and he said yes. Our entire class went "Ewww!" including me. Little did I know that I'd soon find myself to be gay as well. Long story short, throughout middle school and my early years of high school, I slowly found myself becoming attracted to... chubby, hairy men, aka bears. I remember I used to look at straight porn, milf and all, and then every once in a while I'd look at bear porn, just because I was curious. Then I got a boner. I was confused and infuriated at myself! And then I fapped to it, I came, and all was... strange. That was around my freshman year in HS, I think. Things were very confusing for me for quite a while, but now I feel like I've mostly come to terms with my gayness.

    So that's that. Now, about my teacher, he's 43. I'm 18. Yes, 25 year difference, but it seems that the age gaps in gay relationships barely matter icon_smile.gif I've been attracted to him for at least a year or two. Here's a not-so-brief history of what has happened between us:

    During my sophomore year in HS, I started taking Japanese, and my teacher was a very intimidating guy. I felt like I always had to be at my best behavior around him, and always do my best in class, so I always put all of my efforts into my Japanese class. But over time, he started becoming more and more friendly towards all of us. And at the same time, I slowly started to feel attracted to him. I remember being pretty confused. What are these strange feelings? Do I have a crush on my own teacher? Wait, that's not right, my teacher's a guy. Unless, I'm... no! Can it really be!? I'm gay, gay for my teacher!? But he's... a guy, and he's 25 years older than me!

    Junior year, I took Japanese again. And this is the time my attraction towards him really started to blossom. I don't really remember anything in particular that happened during most of this time, but towards the end of the year, I got to be his TA. I was quite happy icon_biggrin.gif Unfortunately he had class during the period I was his TA for, so it's not like we had time to ourselves to talk and bond, but hey, I got more time to be with him. And that was good enough for me. And it was during this time that I felt like he was attracted to me as well...

    Senior year, took Japanese once again. And also, I got to be his TA for the entire year icon_biggrin.gif But unfortunately another class occupied his room during that time, so we didn't really have time to ourselves. But I did visit him nearly every single day after school, just to be with him, and just to talk. We really started to bond this year. But every day was an emotional struggle for me, because I didn't really know if he felt the same way about me as I did about him. And even if we truly did like each other, could things ever work out? Nevertheless, every day of the school year was me chasing after him. And every now and then after school, we'd simply be talking or doing whatever, and we'd have these special moments of just... gazing into each other's eyes, with nothing to say. Those moments always filled me with an incredible amount of joy. And also, every time we touched, whether it just be a brush of the shoulder, or our hands touching slightly whenever we pass something to one another, it was incredibly electrifying. Eventually I was able to get a hug from him, and then a hug every day after school before I left. Happy happy icon_biggrin.gif But also, I'd have these strange moments of incredible sadness. If he ever really acted towards me in a negative way, or ignored me somewhat, or anything of the like, I'd get really sad. My emotions reached crazy highs and lows during my senior year.

    Summer after senior year, I went to Japan with him... and 9 other students from the class. He brings students to Japan every other year. I wish it was just us
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    Dec 22, 2008 7:51 AM GMT
    It's a crush. Do not go any further with this because both of you will get into trouble - he could lose his job and professional career.

    That said, on his part, it may just be affection, is he gay?
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    Dec 22, 2008 7:56 AM GMT
    Ookay... sweety.. I say this with a great deal of kindness..

    I understand the excitement of having someone you care about so deeply, especially someone such as the fellow..

    However

    It might be best if you didn't pursue anything.. teachers and students in most countries are kept in just that form, turning it into a relationship of any nature beyond teacher/student isn't a wise thing to do (especially while your in school with him)

    If could cause both of you a great deal of trouble, including both of you being removed from the school...

    If anything, wait until you have left school, wait until you've been away to see life away from the educations systems arms and then come back to it later is need be.
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    Dec 22, 2008 8:36 AM GMT
    Oh, just to make it clear, I've already graduated, and I'm in college. I guess it would've been more appropriate to say former teacher. And I'm still very much attached to him, if not even more than before.
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Dec 22, 2008 12:18 PM GMT
    ....and they call it Puppy Love... Remember the 60's song by Paul Anka. Of course you falling for you teacher. When I am your age I fall in love with my teacher, male singer, actor, fellow class mate, even a gardener in my school. They are the first adult you meet. Anyway those feeling will go away. You understand what I mean when you get older.
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    Dec 22, 2008 12:32 PM GMT
    College? Hopefully over 21 by now?

    Again the question, is he gay?
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    Dec 22, 2008 1:15 PM GMT
    I would try and move on. Getting involved in any type of professional relationship is always difficult. There will be many crushes as your life moves on, now is the time to learn how to handle them, so it doesn't overtly affect your life. Enjoy the feeling, but begin to look elsewhere, for a safe relationship that you can develop without the baggage.
  • tailgaytor

    Posts: 41

    Dec 22, 2008 4:10 PM GMT
    I was a teacher for 30 years. I had many young men come out to me after high school and some even while still there. I never crossed the professional line of the student-teacher realtionship and neither will your teacher.

    Right now you have a friend for life, someone who accepts you without a label of gay or straight. Go with that. If I read your post correctly, you first responded to his professional qualities. For most there is an automatic "affection" for those who brought out the best or challenged us during those high school years.

    Don't mingle your respect for him as a teacher with raging hormones. icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 22, 2008 6:10 PM GMT
    damn...

    you're half-way to this being a novel located in the Barnes and Noble Gay Adult Studies section.

    So are you fluent in japanese yet?
    the suspense is killin me. icon_eek.gif
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    Dec 22, 2008 7:15 PM GMT
    Oh wow, I just realized that the bottom portion of my first post was cut off icon_evil.gif To sum it up...

    On the trip to Japan, it was almost like we were playing a game. Since we were always with all my other classmates, we never had time alone during the trip, but we'd always brush our arms together when we walked side by side, touch our knees together every time we sat next to each other, bump into each other in crowded areas, and so on. One time when we were staying at a Japanese style hotel for one night, he came in and said he'd be using the public bath and asked if anyone was in there right now. If only I just happened to be in the baths at that time... icon_lol.gif The trip ended without anything really happening between us.

    When high school started again, I was no longer a student there, so I went to visit him a few times. He even basically invited me to come again a few times, by masking it with "Can you help me whatever on this day?"

    Our whole "relationship" is completely built upon beating around the bush icon_rolleyes.gif

    So what should I do? By now it seems pretty obvious to me that he's into me, and I think I've made it quite clear that I'm into him as well. I think the major thing preventing anything from happening is that every time we see each other, it's always in school. And we can't really do anything on school grounds.

    I appreciate all your comments and advice and stuff; its nice to finally hear from people that I can relate to icon_biggrin.gif

    I suppose it's true that I'll have lots of crushes throughout my life and that I need to learn to stop pursuing everyone I have a crush on. And it's true that it did start out as a simple crush, back when I was a sophomore. But after all this time, I feel like it's developed into something much more than a crush. I guess I kinda dug my own grave icon_redface.gif But at least he seems interested in me also!

    And you're right. If I just leave things as they are now, then I'm sure I'll have a friend for life... unless these feelings persist. Then I guess I just have to go out and meet new people who'd be more, say, suitable for me. Hmm.

    I'm pretty fluent in Japanese by now. I've been studying Japanese ever since 6th grade, so it's been about 8 years. He was definitely one of the best teachers I've ever had though. I guess that explains why I had a crush on him. Oh yeah, it seemed like a number of other guys in the school also had crushes on him... I guess I wasn't alone. icon_neutral.gif But hopefully I'm alone in him feeling this way towards me, if I'm reading him correctly.
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    Dec 22, 2008 7:19 PM GMT
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    Dec 22, 2008 7:32 PM GMT
    you see my point.. icon_wink.gif
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    Dec 22, 2008 7:36 PM GMT
    barf! what's wrong with dating people you're own age. ugh btw, i would never visit a country that willing supports the mass murder of whales. oh no, its okay, japan is doing it for research...ewww...
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    Dec 22, 2008 10:19 PM GMT
    Well it happens. You are an adult now so you can make your own decisions about what you want to do about crushes with men. Is it the wise course of action? Well the way you describe the relationship probably not. He is after all your boss in many ways. Also, he might be attracted to you but just sexually. I hate to break it to you but some older gay men are quite happy to f**k an 18 year old. But a relationship? No way. Just be forewarned about that, because it could be devastating for you if that happens.

    As for finding guys your own age to go out with, that would be ideal, but I know from my experiences at RJ that some guys like older (even much older) men. IDK why but I don't understand a lot of things about what attracts people to other people.
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    Dec 22, 2008 10:46 PM GMT
    redheadguy saidIt's a crush. Do not go any further with this because both of you will get into trouble - he could lose his job and professional career.

    That said, on his part, it may just be affection, is he gay?


    This is true. icon_idea.gif

    Even though you mention that you are a former student, just the fact that he has recently taught you, and by recent I mean anywhere in the last ten years, can stir up speculations if noticed by the public. Parents might start to complain to the school, and if too much complaint is made, even if everything is legal, the teacher can be driven out. I have seen it before for other circumstances minor to this one.

    I am sure that is why he has been "beating around the bush" about everything, if that is for sure what he is doing. He has to understand all of the problems he could be getting himself into. I have a friend who has been dating a guy, he isn't too far from her age, and he is now a music teacher in my former district. The fact that he taught me vocals while in High school, he is still cautious about me being at the same social functions as him, even though he is dating one of my really good friends.

    To end it all, take advantage of being 18. I am still learning a lot, and have learned a lot just from talking to people. Have a little fun before thinking about settling down with a 43 year old. (not meant to put down older men)
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Dec 22, 2008 11:01 PM GMT
    I have the hots for one of my teachers, too, but he's still working on a Masters of PhD (I'm not sure) and he isn't more than 5-10 years older. And he's one of the only really attractive guys I've met who's nearly as tall as I am. But alas, he's French from France, and you can never tell which way those boys swing...
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    Dec 23, 2008 2:33 AM GMT
    Meh, unfortunately I would caution you about trying to move forward. He has professional boundaries which he must keep if he wishes to keep his job and the confidence of those he teaches for.

    I can certainly sympathize with you though. I remember my kindergarten teacher, and thinking on him now.. god he was fucking hot! *drools*

    Try to put him out of your mind, don't act like he died, but just put him in the Unobtainable bin. For your sake and his.

    Oh yeah.. is he gay?


    Mustaches are my kryptonite.
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    Dec 23, 2008 11:50 AM GMT
    624.x600.eat.ft.mustache.jpg
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    Dec 23, 2008 5:45 PM GMT
    Sedative said624.x600.eat.ft.mustache.jpg


    I feel for the 19th century banker you stole that from.
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    Dec 24, 2008 12:48 PM GMT
    19th century? I ripped it off from this dude.

    monopoly%20man.jpg

    It bled. icon_twisted.gif
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    Dec 24, 2008 1:16 PM GMT
    5th Grade - in some cases things just stop right there.



    "When I was in 5th grade"

    "After the play, one of the actors came onto stage to talk about the play and answer questions. One of my classmates asked if he was gay, and he said yes. Our entire class went "Ewww!" including me."



    jrunner25 saidbarf! what's wrong with dating people you're own age. ugh btw, i would never visit a country that willing supports the mass murder of whales. oh no, its okay, japan is doing it for research...ewww...
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    Dec 24, 2008 1:34 PM GMT
    "How oddly situated a man is apt to find himself at the age of thirty-eight! His youth belongs to the distant past. Yet the period of memory beginning with the end of youth and extending to the present has left him not a single vivid impression. And therefore he persists in feeling that nothing more than a fragile barrier separates him from his youth. He is forever hearing with the utmost clarity the sounds of this neighboring domain, but there is no way to penetrate the barrier." (from Runaway Horses by Yukio Mishima, 1969)

    You don't know him really. What you know is a persona. Your crush is directed at a construct that your friend and teacher has created to sustain his professional life.

    It is likely enough that the persona you know is part of a rather more complex group of personae. You seem to sense that it would be interesting to explore the boundaries - and so it seems does your teacher.

    The balance of power in this delicate dance lies mostly with you. Your friend (if he is who you think he is) is powerless to cross this barrier.

    Now you get to learn the lesson of how to use your love responsibly.

    Remember that what nurtures hurts too. When we provoke change then we must live with the changes we have provoked.

    Your risk in crossing this rubicon is negligible. The risk for your friend is greater. He stands to lose something that I can imagine is precious to him — you.

    What will you do with your love? How will you use the sharpness of your feelings? Will you protect and nurture what you have grown, or is this arrangement of stolen glances and delicate touches unbearable? Can you carry the weight of your affection, or must you give it to the object of your affection to carry with you, to carry for you?

    Terry
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    Dec 24, 2008 2:11 PM GMT
    I got a crush on one of my prep school teachers when I was a 14-year-old freshman, and he was 26, the youngest on the faculty. All the other instructors (called "Masters" while the principal was the "Headmaster") were much older and rather stern (they could strike us back then, and did), lecturing in German, Greek, Latin and every other language but English, it seemed. This was in the US, BTW, at a very exclusive boys academy.

    But my guy taught easy Freshman English, prolly cause he was so new there, and we spent lots of time studying romantic poetry & prose, just the atmosphere to develop a crush on him. And his handsome smiling young face was my only relief in a day otherwise filled with grim old grumps, who'd patrol around the place like prison guards in their black academic robes, giving out Disciplinary Points for later punishment at day's end, or maybe just a quick face slap for more immediate gratification.

    I didn't understand at the time what my crush was all about, too young to understand gay sexuality in those days, especially given my sheltered upbringing. And being called a "fairy" left me clueless, because that's what the Upperclassmen traditionally called all the Freshmen there. So that even when I was much older I still didn't associate the term with gayness or sexuality, just someone who was naive & immature like an adolescent, not yet developed into a rugged & confident adult man.

    I think crushes in our teens can be helpful in learning about our true orientation, before society totally redirects our natural interests, as happened in my case. I'm glad nothing ever went on between my English Master & me, for his sake & mine, but I regret I failed to understand for a very long time what it was all about.

    Crushes are indeed "puppy love" as someone above said, and usually aren't permanent or as serious as we think at the time. But they are a natural way of learning about ourselves and our emotions as we mature, and there are lessons to be learned that shouldn't be ignored.
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    Dec 27, 2008 4:55 AM GMT
    Thanks for all the advice, guys. Sounds like you guys know way more about what you're talking about than anything I know, or anything I could ever try to come up with to justify my actions. Now I'm more convinced that I should try to move on. Well, thing is, after the trip to Japan, I did try to move on with my life because I figured nothing could ever happen between us, and we weren't right for each other anyway. But even though I did try to carry on, I couldn't stop thinking about him. Every day things always reminded me of him, and I even saw him in my dreams a few times. I actually saw him in my dreams a few times recently... and each time we were flirting and secretively bumping into each other, and doing other stuff of the like. I felt so happy... and then I woke up. icon_cry.gif

    Anyways, now I'm convinced more than ever to try and move on. Before I didn't really understand why it was best to move on, so I couldn't quite bring myself to do so, but now, I think I can. Yeah, there's a lot of conflict going on in my mind right now, but I think it really would be for the best. And besides... there are more fish in the sea. Yeah, it's an incredibly cliche line, but it's way true. Thank you all.

    But... should I talk to him about it? About our feelings and stuff? You know, "the talk". I don't want to suddenly cut him out of my entire life, leaving him confused, after these two years of flirting and stuff. icon_confused.gif I sure would like to keep him in my life. He's a really great guy; he's someone to keep in touch with.
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    Dec 27, 2008 5:06 AM GMT
    Trying to keep the friendship is tough, but I'm a big believer in honesty. I'm assuming you are out of school. If so, e-mail him. If not, leave it alone. I just worry you will keep the longing fueled if you discuss it with him. In reality, if you can keep it as thoughts and not actions, you should leave it that way. I know it's hard, but I've had to do it with certain guys - it hurts, but sometimes has to be done. You COULD keep it as friendship and not bring it up. That's probably the best idea.