Torn...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 03, 2014 4:20 AM GMT
    I have a friend who is very loyal. I know that if I had an emergency, I could call on him and he would drop everything and be there. But, he is also a very critical person. He has more negative things to say than positive things and when we hang out, I often leave feeling "chipped away at" if that makes sense. I'm pretty confident but I welcome feedback from people close to me and I take it to heart.

    I get so pissed off because I feel like his feedback is so contradictory to what my friends and family say are my strengths and I feel that much of his thoughts are based on his insecurities and projections. He is a great guy. But I just wonder if I'm really getting anything out of our friendship besides loyalty (which is very important).

    Thoughts?
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    Mar 03, 2014 4:24 AM GMT
    Honestly, it sounds to me like you already know the answer that is right for you. Sometimes we have to cut people out of our lives - especially if they are poisoning some part of us.

    Before you do that, you could try to sit down and talk with him. Be honest. See if you can work through it. If you can't do that, I would try to find a tactful way to approach it.

    Good luck.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Mar 03, 2014 4:24 AM GMT
    Don't know the details but doesn't sound good. Last thing I need is a 'friend' who leaves me feeling lessened. Yeah, loyalty is important but so is positive imaging and reinforcement. Maybe you should have a talk with Tom about how you're seeing this. (And don't be surprised if you're met with some resistance and denial.)
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    Mar 03, 2014 4:50 AM GMT
    There was a long hard time when I kept far from me the remembrance of what I had thrown away when I was quite ignorant of its worth.”~~Charles Dickens
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    Mar 03, 2014 5:03 AM GMT
    Oh, I've had some friends like that. They are called "nuns." Or they will be shortly.
  • theonewhoknoc...

    Posts: 713

    Mar 03, 2014 5:56 AM GMT
    Gonna go against the grain here and suggest that you keep this friend around. Having a friend who cares enough to tell you like it is is so rare these days. I've found that a lot of my gay friends are fairly fragile and hence surround themselves with guys who offer little other than flaky "positive" energy, but are completely unreliable.

    Have a honest chat with him; challenge him to consider if he's only projecting his insecurities. People will change to make a worthwhile friendship work.
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    Mar 03, 2014 10:26 AM GMT
    Sounds like one of those helpful but not helpful people.

    Maybe you should let him know not everything has to have a negative light shed upon it. Can you give us some recent examples?
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Mar 03, 2014 4:51 PM GMT
    is he jeslous of u in some way?
    Does he secretly want to be with you?
    Does he like u more than a friend?

    Maybe he chips away at u because he's mad he cannot be with you. Maybe he's jealous of you? and to make himself feel better takes digs at u?

    Idk man. That sounds pretty annoying tho.
    I had a friend like that--- would do anything for me. Was very loyal. However, would never say anything positive. Always critical and negative.

    Eventually, I called him out for it and told him (like a child) if u dont have anything nice to say then keep ur mouth shut.

    He ended getting me a card and apologizing to me. I accepted the apology, however I was also kinda like "whatever, dude...." as if I dont really care for him or his apology.

    I eventually moved and we kinda dont talk anymore. And I dont really feel bad about it either. I thought I would.....but i dont/
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Mar 03, 2014 4:58 PM GMT
    yinyang.jpg
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Mar 03, 2014 5:01 PM GMT
    http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Protect-Yourself-from-Energy-Vampires

    Energy Vampires

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    Mar 03, 2014 5:29 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidhttp://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Protect-Yourself-from-Energy-Vampires

    Energy Vampires



    New age crap.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 05, 2014 9:46 PM GMT
    Import saidis he jeslous of u in some way?
    Does he secretly want to be with you?
    Does he like u more than a friend?

    Maybe he chips away at u because he's mad he cannot be with you. Maybe he's jealous of you? and to make himself feel better takes digs at u?

    Idk man. That sounds pretty annoying tho.
    I had a friend like that--- would do anything for me. Was very loyal. However, would never say anything positive. Always critical and negative.

    Eventually, I called him out for it and told him (like a child) if u dont have anything nice to say then keep ur mouth shut.

    He ended getting me a card and apologizing to me. I accepted the apology, however I was also kinda like "whatever, dude...." as if I dont really care for him or his apology.

    I eventually moved and we kinda dont talk anymore. And I dont really feel bad about it either. I thought I would.....but i dont/


    So we tried dating for several months but I decided that friendship is the best route because we didn't meet each other's emotional needs. By "chipping away" I mean he is always telling me that I should alter a behavior. The way I dress. The things I like. The music I listen to. He is one of those guys who is constantly starting a comment to me with, "You should..." And rarely does he have a compliment. Whereas I am always congratulating him and telling him "good job". Bottom line is whenever we hang out, I know at some point he is going to try to get me to change something I like or do. And will get very little positive affirmation.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Mar 05, 2014 9:53 PM GMT
    Tell him what the problem is.

    I have a very good long time friend who used to regularly do something that really made me angry.
    I told him again and again to cut it out, until he finally got the message and stopped doing it.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Mar 05, 2014 9:55 PM GMT
    If you were a committed couple it might be worth hearing him out, depending on what he's nagging you about, because he could be looking out for your best/mutual interests... But as a friend his nagging just sounds like he's trying to make you into what he wants you to be.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Mar 05, 2014 10:18 PM GMT
    Myol said
    Import saidis he jeslous of u in some way?
    Does he secretly want to be with you?
    Does he like u more than a friend?

    Maybe he chips away at u because he's mad he cannot be with you. Maybe he's jealous of you? and to make himself feel better takes digs at u?

    Idk man. That sounds pretty annoying tho.
    I had a friend like that--- would do anything for me. Was very loyal. However, would never say anything positive. Always critical and negative.

    Eventually, I called him out for it and told him (like a child) if u dont have anything nice to say then keep ur mouth shut.

    He ended getting me a card and apologizing to me. I accepted the apology, however I was also kinda like "whatever, dude...." as if I dont really care for him or his apology.

    I eventually moved and we kinda dont talk anymore. And I dont really feel bad about it either. I thought I would.....but i dont/


    So we tried dating for several months but I decided that friendship is the best route because we didn't meet each other's emotional needs. By "chipping away" I mean he is always telling me that I should alter a behavior. The way I dress. The things I like. The music I listen to. He is one of those guys who is constantly starting a comment to me with, "You should..." And rarely does he have a compliment. Whereas I am always congratulating him and telling him "good job". Bottom line is whenever we hang out, I know at some point he is going to try to get me to change something I like or do. And will get very little positive affirmation.


    Dude, i think there's an underlying bitterness there cuz the attempts at dating did not work--- he still likes you.

    So in order to feel liked and wanted...or needed by you....he points out shit u should do or should not do. He wants u to feel that he's important. He wants to feel needed by u. He wants u to know that he's "in the know" about lots of shit too....and that u need him.. It's prob his way of like.... connecting with you. He prob thinks u should be grateful to have him cuz, u know... he keeps u hot. He keeps u in the loop--- what would u do without him? He's almost acting like wifey material.

    Do u guys have regular conversations like where it's give and take? moments of laughing? etc? like regular convos with friends.. talking and just bullshitting? Or is it more him talking at u the entire time? telling u what u should and should not be doing?