Need advice on dealing with my family post coming-out

  • Bustthewave

    Posts: 98

    Mar 05, 2014 4:04 AM GMT
    Hey guys, so I'm trying to figure this situation out without letting my emotions cloud my judgement.

    Quick background - grew up as a pastor's kid in a very conservative household. It took me a long ass time to come out to my family, but I finally did about 7 months ago, mostly for me, but also to support my wonderful current relationship.

    Coming out was very difficult on my parents and more difficult on me (lots of fun drama where no one would talk to me for a few weeks).

    Everyone in my family has told me they accept me and my partner, but with the tagline at the end saying "but you know where we stand on the issue." The implication being, they consider it sin.

    I haven't been able to reconcile this. Is it at all possible to be fully accepted AND for this to be considered sin?

    More recently, my 30 year old brother has started dating a 19 year old, which my parents are all too happy to support because she isn't a man (my mom has said as much), which has filled me with jealousy towards my brother and straight people, anger and hurt towards my family, and a lot of other emotions all mixed in. I'm just becoming more and more aware what it MEANS to be marginalized, knowing my brother can marry a 19 year old and no one will bat an eye, but I can't have a marriage recognized in every state (which obviously doesn't even scratch the surface of the marginalization we face).

    Am I making too much out of this and/or expecting to much out of my family?
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    Mar 05, 2014 4:21 AM GMT
    good for you! meh, fuck 'em, just smile and wave

    cherish your relationship and be happy
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    Mar 05, 2014 4:25 AM GMT
    My mom's the same. She's a christian. It's a disease.
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    Mar 05, 2014 4:27 AM GMT
    Yeah dude, congratulations. Just remember they can't do shit and we were all born free souls.
  • Bustthewave

    Posts: 98

    Mar 05, 2014 5:29 AM GMT
    Thanks guys!

    So the message seems to be: No sense making more waves with my family, instead focus on what actually matters which would be my relationship.

    And sweetooth - couldn't agree more!
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    Mar 05, 2014 11:23 AM GMT
    Living well is the best revenge. If they really believe that a 30 yr old and a 19 yr old dating is better than you, you're dealing with some pretty screwed up people. No amount of reasoning will change such warped, shit headed non-thinking. I admire your courage, keep forging your own path! icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 05, 2014 2:22 PM GMT
    Bustthewave said
    Am I making too much out of this and/or expecting to much out of my family?

    People only change when they're forced to or the consequences of not changing are too large. You make it easy for them to treat you this way because you're not demanding the respect you and your relationship are owed.

    I had to tell my brother once that the relationship we had was toxic, and that I wasn't going to have that one anymore. I hung up on him and ignored his phone calls for 11 months. Finally he called me up and asked plaintively if we were ever going to speak again, and I said "that depends on you. It always has. I'm happy to have a relationship with you. But I won't have the one we had."
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    Mar 05, 2014 2:45 PM GMT
    To this day, I still remember a poem which I learned when I was a kid.
    One of the phrases in it is (Paraphrasing)' A person who sees faults in others will fail to see faults within themselves'

    My best advice is to have patience! Speaking from experience.
    It's difficult to change a man who is inclined and predisposed to his own argument/judgement, it's difficult to accept something that's not familiar to us. As your family consider that being a homosexual man is a sin, that's just because they're until then outside the box and when the situation changes and when they enter inside the box which they consider it as sin, they obviously turn hostile.

    Let them get acquaint with you, it may take months/years/decades, I strongly believe they'll understand you in time.

    That being said,
    I wonder why many Christians say that being a homosexual is a sin! Because the bible says it? and yet the same bible says 'Do not Judge'
    Well...if someone points out this to them, they either will come come up with meaningless arguments or just keep quite.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Mar 05, 2014 5:16 PM GMT
    Blakes7 saidLiving well is the best revenge. If they really believe that a 30 yr old and a 19 yr old dating is better than you, you're dealing with some pretty screwed up people. No amount of reasoning will change such warped, shit headed non-thinking. I admire your courage, keep forging your own path! icon_smile.gif

    Sure, that sounds like you, Blakes7. Let's rank relationships from least to greatest intolerable. Who should get the most rejection and who should get the least.

    To the OP, stand up and demand respect or leave and separate yourself from these bigots. You don't have to take that from anyone.
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    Mar 05, 2014 5:19 PM GMT
    I think you misunderstood me.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Mar 05, 2014 8:03 PM GMT
    Your first priority should be you and your relationship. Like Shark and others said, you have to learn to set and maintain boundaries. Just because someone is a blood relative, this does NOT give them the right to be disrespectful. Quite the contrary. The problem is they don't see it that way at all and won't until you make it obvious that they have a choice; either change their behavior or not have you in their lives. You have to be ready to accept they may choose the later because, as others said, their 'identity' is too wrapped up in their belief system.

    Yes, it sucks. It truly does. But their attitudes are abusive and we cannot accept such abuse and remain whole and sane. Accepting them undermines our sense of self and that infects all our relationships, including with them.
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    Mar 05, 2014 8:17 PM GMT
    Is any of what you stated about YOU?

    Lighten your burden by stop putting yourself in charge of other people's thoughts, beliefs, motives, lifestyles.

    Get out of their space and get into your own space . Defining your boundaries is heathier for you and healthier for them. You are a free agent in this world you don't need anyone's permission to be you.
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    Mar 05, 2014 8:42 PM GMT
    Harry7785 saidTo this day, I still remember a poem which I learned when I was a kid.
    One of the phrases in it is (Paraphrasing)' A person who sees faults in others will fail to see faults within themselves'

    My best advice is to have patience! Speaking from experience.
    It's difficult to change a man who is inclined and predisposed to his own argument/judgement, it's difficult to accept something that's not familiar to us. As your family consider that being a homosexual man is a sin, that's just because they're until then outside the box and when the situation changes and when they enter inside the box which they consider it as sin, they obviously turn hostile.

    Let them get acquaint with you, it may take months/years/decades, I strongly believe they'll understand you in time.

    That being said,
    I wonder why many Christians say that being a homosexual is a sin! Because the bible says it? and yet the same bible says 'Do not Judge'
    Well...if someone points out this to them, they either will come come up with meaningless arguments or just keep quite.

    I couldn't agree more!!! They need time ... But always remember: it is your life you are living, not theirs ... If you are happy who you are then it is ok to be yourself =) ...
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    Mar 05, 2014 9:09 PM GMT
    Bustthewave saidHey guys, so I'm trying to figure this situation out without letting my emotions cloud my judgement.

    Quick background - grew up as a pastor's kid in a very conservative household. It took me a long ass time to come out to my family, but I finally did about 7 months ago, mostly for me, but also to support my wonderful current relationship.

    Coming out was very difficult on my parents and more difficult on me (lots of fun drama where no one would talk to me for a few weeks).

    Everyone in my family has told me they accept me and my partner, but with the tagline at the end saying "but you know where we stand on the issue." The implication being, they consider it sin.

    I haven't been able to reconcile this. Is it at all possible to be fully accepted AND for this to be considered sin?

    More recently, my 30 year old brother has started dating a 19 year old, which my parents are all too happy to support because she isn't a man (my mom has said as much), which has filled me with jealousy towards my brother and straight people, anger and hurt towards my family, and a lot of other emotions all mixed in. I'm just becoming more and more aware what it MEANS to be marginalized, knowing my brother can marry a 19 year old and no one will bat an eye, but I can't have a marriage recognized in every state (which obviously doesn't even scratch the surface of the marginalization we face).

    Am I making too much out of this and/or expecting to much out of my family?


    There will come a time, maybe soon, maybe on their death bed, maybe after they die where they will see the truth. That you are a courageous, beautiful soul who is growing and becoming better through this unique experience and that you are exactly the same as they are.

    Because of all the brainwashing they went through about how bad it is, the real reason they responded that way is because they feel guilty and are actually judging themselves not you! Because of this they will have to resolve this on their own as it is their problem, these kinds of judgements and guilt about themselves were there long before you told them you were gay and now it's just a reason for them to express their own self-judgements but reflected towards you.

    Don't waste time trying to get them to understand or accept you. They will eventually, if not on this Earth in the next life or step. So live your life and be happy. Do the right thing. Treasure your relationship and learn and appreciate as much as you can from it. And just be happy life is way too short to do anything else. It will all work out...
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    Mar 05, 2014 9:19 PM GMT
    Sweetooth saidMy mom's the same. She's a christian. It's a disease.
    And, yes lord, we are all plagued by the sickness!

    amen.gif

    OP, do what Somersault said. You can build your own family and it took me a while to understand this.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Mar 05, 2014 9:33 PM GMT
    Harry7785 saidI wonder why many Christians say that being a homosexual is a sin! Because the bible says it?

    You see, that's just it, the Bible DOES NOT say any such thing.



    On the other side of the fence, you have idiots like this who inaccurately summarizes the above argument and (I'm not making this up) says the Christians should be murdering their children according to Old Testament law.



    It is really unfortunate that otherwise good, compassionate, human beings get so caught up in a literal interpretation of what was always intended to be a sacred revelation that it turns them into sanctimonious self-righteous bigots.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Mar 05, 2014 9:59 PM GMT
    ------- "Everyone in my family has told me they accept me and my partner."


    That's all you need to know.

    You being jealous of the age difference between your brother and his girl friend is ridiculous.

    As long as your family accepts you and your partner, and treats both of you well, you have won.
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    Mar 05, 2014 10:33 PM GMT
    Bustthewave saidHey guys, so I'm trying to figure this situation out without letting my emotions cloud my judgement.

    Quick background - grew up as a pastor's kid in a very conservative household. It took me a long ass time to come out to my family, but I finally did about 7 months ago, mostly for me, but also to support my wonderful current relationship.

    Coming out was very difficult on my parents and more difficult on me (lots of fun drama where no one would talk to me for a few weeks).

    Everyone in my family has told me they accept me and my partner, but with the tagline at the end saying "but you know where we stand on the issue." The implication being, they consider it sin.

    I haven't been able to reconcile this. Is it at all possible to be fully accepted AND for this to be considered sin?

    More recently, my 30 year old brother has started dating a 19 year old, which my parents are all too happy to support because she isn't a man (my mom has said as much), which has filled me with jealousy towards my brother and straight people, anger and hurt towards my family, and a lot of other emotions all mixed in. I'm just becoming more and more aware what it MEANS to be marginalized, knowing my brother can marry a 19 year old and no one will bat an eye, but I can't have a marriage recognized in every state (which obviously doesn't even scratch the surface of the marginalization we face).

    Am I making too much out of this and/or expecting to much out of my family?


    Walk away from the false belief systems. Read The Kinsey Studies. Go visit any ranch or farm. Homosexuality is part and parcel of life around us.

    You're not having sex with your family. They don't need to approve who you are.

    Religious nuts need to be careful who they hate. It might be their son, or their daughter.

    The false belief system / religion / cult is just that: false. Take life for what it is.

    You are not a sinner.
    You are not flawed.
    The sooner you ditch the false belief system the better off you'll be.
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    Mar 05, 2014 10:47 PM GMT
    I wonder if God really wanted us to abandon the people he put in our lives as much as religious people will have you believe. There is much more in the bible about rape, murder, jealousy, and lying, stealing and says gods name in vain and very, very little in the bible about being gay. When religious people choose to fixate on harmless gays, I choose fixate on the fact that they are acting as a bigot would. And I don't make space in my heart for bigots who would openly disrespect me that way.

    You being gay does not mean that you have to tolerate that crap from anyone, including your family.
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    Mar 05, 2014 10:51 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]MikeW said[/cite]
    Harry7785 saidI wonder why many Christians say that being a homosexual is a sin! Because the bible says it?

    "You see, that's just it, the Bible DOES NOT say any such thing. "

    Unfortunately, Mike, that's not true:

    Leviticus 20:13--

    13 “If a man practices homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman, both men have committed a detestable act. They must both be put to death, for they are guilty of a capital offense."

    The Old Testament clearly does consider homosexuality a civil crime and a moral sin, but in the context of a longer code of tribal laws meant to organize and establish the power structures of early Jewish society.

    Sadly, such passages are still being used to justify civil discrimination against gays worldwide today.

    This is NOT the true Christian message of God's supreme love for all mankind. As Pope Francis himself just said about gay priests, "Who am I to judge?"
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    Mar 05, 2014 11:02 PM GMT
    Myol saidI wonder if God really wanted us to abandon the people he put in our lives as much as religious people will have you believe. There is much more in the bible about rape, murder, jealousy, and lying, stealing and says gods name in vain and very, very little in the bible about being gay. When religious people choose to fixate on harmless gays, I choose fixate on the fact that they are acting as a bigot would. And I don't make space in my heart for bigots who would openly disrespect me that way.

    You being gay does not mean that you have to tolerate that crap from anyone, including your family.


    Jesus spoke aplenty about divorce, should all those who divorced be forced to go back to their first spouses, and be considered guilty of Adultery?
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Mar 05, 2014 11:10 PM GMT
    Congratulations on fully expressing your true self by coming out, and I'm sorry your family has been less than supportive.

    I don't know what to say since your problem is so individual, so personal, and so important. At the risk of sounding pithy and clique, I'll simply say if my family had reacted as yours I'd reflect on the following pearls of wisdom:

    It's better to be judged for who you are, than loved for who you aren't.

    Truth is always better than deception and lies.

    Love conquers all, and hearts can soften, so have faith that your family members' hearts might soften.

    Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. As such, if your family starts "throwing up" your gayness to you in spats and arguments, simply call them out on THEIR sins (excessive drink/food, failing to give more to charity, using the Lord's name in vain, etc.).

    Again, congrats, and I feel confident that they'll come around eventually. Time heals most wounds.
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    Mar 05, 2014 11:14 PM GMT
    Alexxx5 said[quote][cite]MikeW said[/cite]
    Harry7785 saidI wonder why many Christians say that being a homosexual is a sin! Because the bible says it?

    "You see, that's just it, the Bible DOES NOT say any such thing. "

    Unfortunately, Mike, that's not true:

    Leviticus 20:13--

    13 “If a man practices homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman, both men have committed a detestable act. They must both be put to death, for they are guilty of a capital offense."

    The Old Testament clearly does consider homosexuality a civil crime and a moral sin, but in the context of a longer code of tribal laws meant to organize and establish the power structures of early Jewish society.

    Sadly, such passages are still being used to justify civil discrimination against gays worldwide today.

    This is NOT the true Christian message of God's supreme love for all mankind. As Pope Francis himself just said about gay priests, "Who am I to judge?"

    This is only if you're playing 'pick a verse', a very common Christian game. What you fail to do when quoting this verse is understand the context of what that verse means and why it was recorded.

    The context of this time frame was when gods were plentiful. There was a god for everything, we know this to be factual from history. One thing that people always wanted to ensure was that the gods were happy, not just God as we know our god to be but all gods. In order to please the gods people would have orgies in hopes of finding favor with the god of fertility. This would mean crops of plenty, water to allow them to grow. Pleasing the gods was very important until the prophets proclaimed that worshiping any god other than THE God was sinful. This verse wasn't quoted as an abomination of men sleeping with men, it had to do with men sleeping with men and women in order to please another god when there was to be ONLY one God and anything else was blasphemy.

    Context, environment, society, all these play such a large part in understanding the bible. It's like 'don't eat shell fish from the sea', probably because of some contamination and people were dying. Word to the wise, I wouldn't eat that! However, we do eat shell fish and we cut our hair and we do a lot of things but they are not referenced as is this verse on homosexuality.

    A lot more is written very clearly on divorce in the NEW testament than the entire bible about homosexuality but that conveniently is always left out of the heathen's pick and choose game.
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    Mar 05, 2014 11:16 PM GMT
    Blakes7 said
    Myol saidI wonder if God really wanted us to abandon the people he put in our lives as much as religious people will have you believe. There is much more in the bible about rape, murder, jealousy, and lying, stealing and says gods name in vain and very, very little in the bible about being gay. When religious people choose to fixate on harmless gays, I choose fixate on the fact that they are acting as a bigot would. And I don't make space in my heart for bigots who would openly disrespect me that way.

    You being gay does not mean that you have to tolerate that crap from anyone, including your family.


    Jesus spoke aplenty about divorce, should all those who divorced be forced to go back to their first spouses, and be considered guilty of Adultery?

    Absolutely they should unless they fit the criteria described in the verses. What's good for one verse is good for them all. Sinners abound! There's a lot less to understand about the context of the verses related to divorce than most any of the other verses commonly pulled from the bible as a favorite 'see it says here….' verse.
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    Mar 05, 2014 11:25 PM GMT
    eb925guy said
    Alexxx5 said[quote][cite]MikeW said[/cite]
    Harry7785 saidI wonder why many Christians say that being a homosexual is a sin! Because the bible says it?

    "You see, that's just it, the Bible DOES NOT say any such thing. "

    Unfortunately, Mike, that's not true:

    Leviticus 20:13--

    13 “If a man practices homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman, both men have committed a detestable act. They must both be put to death, for they are guilty of a capital offense."

    The Old Testament clearly does consider homosexuality a civil crime and a moral sin, but in the context of a longer code of tribal laws meant to organize and establish the power structures of early Jewish society.

    Sadly, such passages are still being used to justify civil discrimination against gays worldwide today.

    This is NOT the true Christian message of God's supreme love for all mankind. As Pope Francis himself just said about gay priests, "Who am I to judge?"

    This is only if you're playing 'pick a verse', a very common Christian game. What you fail to do when quoting this verse is understand the context of what that verse means and why it was recorded.

    The context of this time frame was when gods were plentiful. There was a god for everything, we know this to be factual from history. One thing that people always wanted to ensure was that the gods were happy, not just God as we know our god to be but all gods. In order to please the gods people would have orgies in hopes of finding favor with the god of fertility. This would mean crops of plenty, water to allow them to grow. Pleasing the gods was very important until the prophets proclaimed that worshiping any god other than THE God was sinful. This verse wasn't quoted as an abomination of men sleeping with men, it had to do with men sleeping with men and women in order to please another god when there was to be ONLY one God and anything else was blasphemy.

    Context, environment, society, all these play such a large part in understanding the bible. It's like 'don't eat shell fish from the sea', probably because of some contamination and people were dying. Word to the wise, I wouldn't eat that! However, we do eat shell fish and we cut our hair and we do a lot of things but they are not referenced as is this verse on homosexuality.

    A lot more is written very clearly on divorce in the NEW testament than the entire bible about homosexuality but that conveniently is always left out of the heathen's pick and choose game.


    A class I took on biblical study always stressed context, and to whom was that particular book addressed. It always helped keep things clear.