How to best cope with this complex long distance relationship

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 06, 2014 1:54 PM GMT
    Hello everyone @ RealJock,

    Jim here and I just wanted to chat it up about my situation. Three months ago I entered my first serious relationship with a single father who is 17 years older than me (I'm 26, He's 43). We have talked about the age difference and it is not an issue for us. We both are also in the closet about our sexuality. Now here's the thing with us - he lives with his two kids in Louisiana and I'm here in Illinois. His 19 year old daughter will move off to college in the fall BUT he has a 14 year old son who just started high school.

    We both have discussed and agreed that we are in this thing for the long haul. He wants to get his son through high school and off to college before we move in together and come out together. I understand that and we see each other at least once a month. He's a businessman who travels so I will come see him where he is working or he will use "business trips" as a reason to go out of town and come see me. His daughter or ex-wife look after the son while he is away.

    We love each other and we have planned the next four years out and know it will be a challenge for us. My question to you all especially those who are or have been in long distance relationships, what are some options to better deal with the time we are not together? Those nights you long for your partner. Most of our contact is on the phone or through video chats and we try to make the time we get together very intimate and fun. Do I overload myself with work? Find a hobby? Something to occupy my time in between time I guess.

    Thank you for your replies.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 06, 2014 7:54 PM GMT
    If you want us to focus purely on the question without feedback on the facts and details of your relationship here, well, that's a tough one.

    As for the question, you've already answered it. You phone chat, you video chat, find hobbies, keep busy with work, talk to friends, etc. The only way to have your partner beside you when you're longing for him is to have your partner beside you; there are no tips and secrets here that you don't already know.

    Let me ask you this: Are you happy with your relationship? While truly, I'm glad that you've found someone that you want to get serious with, I'm also worried that you may not be exactly satisfied with the terms of your long term commitment; I worry that you may be grabbing onto straws when you need to be grabbing onto logs for that cabin.

    You guys are a couple of states apart, he's got responsibilities and obligations in his state and it sounds like he's going to have them for awhile; the two of you moving in together and having that picture-perfect life sounds like it is a few years away from reality. Are you comfortable waiting those few years with things the way they are until everything falls into place in the far future? Are you 100% settled on this idea - or do you think that you're overshooting things, just a tad?

    Whether you answer these questions here or not, make sure you ask yourself them.
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    Mar 07, 2014 4:13 PM GMT
    Rolfron saidIf you want us to focus purely on the question without feedback on the facts and details of your relationship here, well, that's a tough one.


    I'm here for the different perspectives.icon_biggrin.gif I don't mind getting into the details.


    Rolfron said
    You guys are a couple of states apart, he's got responsibilities and obligations in his state and it sounds like he's going to have them for awhile; the two of you moving in together and having that picture-perfect life sounds like it is a few years away from reality. Are you comfortable waiting those few years with things the way they are until everything falls into place in the far future? Are you 100% settled on this idea - or do you think that you're overshooting things, just a tad?

    Whether you answer these questions here or not, make sure you ask yourself them.


    I have certainly reflected all of those questions and asked myself if I am patience enough and love this man enough to work with what we have for the next four years until his son goes off to college. I am happy when I am with him and when we talk & video chat (I understand that is not the same as actually living together but next week we will spend two days, an evening and a morning together in my city). So more time to build with each other.

    The prospect of the future we see for each other together, but it is still a challenge when you only see that person for a few days out of the month. We actually had a long conversation last night about these things and we mention how it might be a little less difficult for him because he has the distraction of his kids plus work while I just have my school and part-time work at the moment. It probably will get easier when I finish grad school in May and find full time employment to keep me busy.
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    Mar 07, 2014 4:52 PM GMT
    I don't have much advice for you. I just want to say I appreciate your commitment and wish you luck on your pursuit.

    I have had a friend who was in a long distance relationship (in their case, not just 2 states, but half a globe apart). They were in a LDR since university for about 4 or 5 years. They talked on the phone everyday, and use video chats and fly over at least once a year. They have been strong, and eventually got married after being in relationship for 7 years.

    The only difference I see is that they were straight, and was public about their relationship, so there is a support system (of friends who he can turn to) in place when the relationship isn't working that well. I think if you are commit to this for a long haul, it would be better to have a support system (ppl that you are out to, know about ur relationship, and will support you no matter what).
  • buddycat

    Posts: 1874

    Mar 12, 2014 10:35 AM GMT
    I don't know about all this. Don't rush things I would say. Take it for what it is, an online/phone relationship until it becomes something else. I wouldn't be waiting years to wait for something that may not happen.
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    Mar 14, 2014 6:49 AM GMT
    buddycat saidI don't know about all this. Don't rush things I would say. Take it for what it is, an online/phone relationship until it becomes something else. I wouldn't be waiting years to wait for something that may not happen.


    I wouldn't necessarily say it is strictly an online/phone relationship, we just spent the last four days together, but that aspect is what we have while he raises his family in another state. I'm guessing once I finish up grad school and start working full time that can be another aspect to keep me preoccupied. However, the depth of love we have expressed to each other we feel has been deep to discuss and commit to these future plans. With that said, I understand a lot can happen in four years...
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    Mar 19, 2014 11:25 PM GMT
    I am in a very uncomfortable place right now and I don't know what to do. I love this man but this is a lot to ask of a person but it is so hard. I want to be strong enough to endure this four year plan he his with respect to his priority as a father but I just don't know right now. He tries to compare where we are at to if he was a soldier deployed I would see him less than what I have know, which has physically been three occassions of a few days.
  • Amira

    Posts: 327

    Mar 20, 2014 3:34 AM GMT
    Well as uberick pointed out, there doesn't seem to be a support system for you guys. Not that's always needed but it helps out a ton to have friends/family that know of your LDR and support you.

    And are you guys exploring phone sex or intimate video sessions? It can be a nice benefit that adds a different dynamic to things.
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    Mar 20, 2014 8:17 PM GMT
    JimK saidI am in a very uncomfortable place right now and I don't know what to do. I love this man but this is a lot to ask of a person but it is so hard. I want to be strong enough to endure this four year plan he his with respect to his priority as a father but I just don't know right now. He tries to compare where we are at to if he was a soldier deployed I would see him less than what I have know, which has physically been three occassions of a few days.


    I'd like to echo the questions I've already asked you before - It's only been 13 days since you last answered them and now you feel like you're in an uncomfortable place. Can you really imagine feeling this way for 4 more years?

    I encourage you to ask yourself those questions again and be honest with yourself.

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    Mar 20, 2014 8:30 PM GMT
    Rolfron said
    JimK saidI am in a very uncomfortable place right now and I don't know what to do. I love this man but this is a lot to ask of a person but it is so hard. I want to be strong enough to endure this four year plan he his with respect to his priority as a father but I just don't know right now. He tries to compare where we are at to if he was a soldier deployed I would see him less than what I have know, which has physically been three occassions of a few days.


    I'd like to echo the questions I've already asked you before - It's only been 13 days since you last answered them and now you feel like you're in an uncomfortable place. Can you really imagine feeling this way for 4 more years?

    I encourage you to ask yourself those questions again and be honest with yourself.



    I had a two hour conversation yesterday with him and we both acknowledged how difficult this situation is going to be. We both are happy when we are together like on cloud 9 contentment. Some solutions we talked about is more frequent phone calls. So instead of every other day maybe we talk everyday. He's probably going to send for me to come down to NOLA in a few weeks so we can spend some time together. The uncomfortable feeling or place comes from the longing and because this relationship is so fresh that I have to become more comfortable with how we have planned out and structured this situation. He told me I have every right to have feelings of wanting more and we will try to love each other as much as we can when we physically meet. I believe a life with this man is exactly what I want but I have to learn how to deal with putting in the work to get to the finish line.
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    Mar 21, 2014 12:44 AM GMT
    JimK said I believe a life with this man is exactly what I want but I have to learn how to deal with putting in the work to get to the finish line.


    I really wish you all the best; I really hope you can learn to do that.