Dudes bringing up their old boyfriends

  • UFJocknerd

    Posts: 392

    Dec 23, 2008 4:08 AM GMT
    How many of you guys have had a conversation that went something like this:

    Me: "Heya, how's it going?"
    Dude: "Pretty good. You're tall. My ex was tall. We lived together and had two dogs."
    Me: "..."

    Seriously, what's the deal with dudes who talk about their exes? Especially on dates, or when you're first getting to know them? I can confidently say that I've never once mentioned someone else I've dated when on a date. I also gotta say that I find it pretty darn unattractive. Baggage is for trips.
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    Dec 23, 2008 5:53 AM GMT
    UFJocknerd saidHow many of you guys have had a conversation that went something like this:

    Me: "Heya, how's it going?"
    Dude: "Pretty good. You're tall. My ex was tall. We lived together and had two dogs."
    Me: "..."

    Seriously, what's the deal with dudes who talk about their exes? Especially on dates, or when you're first getting to know them? I can confidently say that I've never once mentioned someone else I've dated when on a date. I also gotta say that I find it pretty darn unattractive. Baggage is for trips.
    Lol true baggage are trips. Sometimes its not always done on purpose, maybe its just a way to start a conversation. In your example, your tall and maybe the first thing that comes to their mind is another tall person i.e. their ex. How long do some the guys you go out with talk about their ex-boyfriends?
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    Dec 23, 2008 7:09 AM GMT
    ummmmm... that's because they're not over them. just move on to someone else who is.
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    Dec 23, 2008 7:18 AM GMT
    There usually is a time after awhile - if you're going to start seeing one another - for some exposition (to expound a bit on your history) but only if the other guy asks about it and seems interested. Even then - I'd be brief - touch on your history - and be done with it. It's nice to know if a guy has just come out of a LTR or if he just has been dating around. I like to know a bit of their history - what makes them tick.
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    Dec 23, 2008 7:24 AM GMT
    you know, when i was younger, knowing about the other person's past bf's bugged me. now, i don't want to know because i don't care. people will have their baggage and i have mine.
  • Rookz

    Posts: 947

    Dec 23, 2008 7:28 AM GMT
    Its just sad that there are people who just try to fill in that void with someone else when they themselves need to fill themselves with... themselves.icon_eek.gif

    I meant to say, they need to take care of their emotions and sense of self which was lost due to the feeling of the void of loss. Their not doing themselves a favor, nor their potential date.

    I was one of them. I found a replacement but spoke of my baggage.

    Then realized that being a loser with an old problem was not attractive. I found myself instead and happy soon came. I do not speak for everyone but sharing my own experience.
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    Dec 23, 2008 7:32 AM GMT
    withHonor saidIts just sad that there are people who just try to fill in that void with someone else when they themselves need to fill themselves with... themselves.icon_eek.gif

    I mean to say, they need to take care of their emotions and sense of self which was lost due to the feeling of the void of loss. Their not doing themselves a favor, nor their potential date.

    I was one of them. I found a replacement but spoke of my baggage.

    Then realized that being a loser an old problem was not attractive. I found myself instead and happy soon came. I do not speak for everyone but sharing my own experience.


    im with you. i was one of those guys. i found a replacement...it's meeEEeE!
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    Dec 23, 2008 7:36 AM GMT
    I've dated several guys that have brought up their ex and it was always evident they weren't over their ex. Most all of them still had frequent contact with their ex and honestly it was incredibly awkward.

    tryingtolive said
    ...
    Sometimes its not always done on purpose, maybe its just a way to start a conversation. In your example, your tall and maybe the first thing that comes to their mind is another tall person i.e. their ex...


    Or you talk about things you're looking for. You see tall people all the time, but you're not going to point it out and be like, "Hey you're tall like my ex." Another example would be saying, "Wow you have teeth, so did my ex." Or " Hey you're white, just like my ex."

    Clearly the guy isn't over his ex. If you're really feeling this guy, hopefully things will turn around for you man.
    Take care
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    Dec 23, 2008 7:52 AM GMT
    THANK YOU. I find it mildly irritating when people constantly mention their exes is their small comments..replies..and what not on this site when the forum post has little or nothing to do with relationships in general.
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    Dec 23, 2008 8:01 AM GMT
    UFJocknerd saidHow many of you guys have had a conversation that went something like this:

    Me: "Heya, how's it going?"
    Dude: "Pretty good. You're tall. My ex was tall. We lived together and had two dogs."
    Me: "..."

    Seriously, what's the deal with dudes who talk about their exes? Especially on dates, or when you're first getting to know them? I can confidently say that I've never once mentioned someone else I've dated when on a date. I also gotta say that I find it pretty darn unattractive. Baggage is for trips.


    I would generally agree with you but in this context i think it was brought up to convey a certain level of social competence. How would you react to his first statement being.."Thanks for hitting on me....... I have not had a date in 8 years". ( I'm not making this one up)
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Dec 23, 2008 8:09 AM GMT

    Well, I believe there is a time and place for the exes conversation...any guy I date is eventually going to meet them because I've stayed close with just about every one of them...

    ...however, I would be reluctant to incorporate an ex anywhere into my dating life, until I was secure with the guy I was dating...

    the original post had me laughing...

    [Ah, dating life - gotta love it]

    - David icon_wink.gif
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    Dec 23, 2008 8:55 AM GMT
    omg i HATE it when people talk about their ex's.. is it supposed to make us feel better??? NOPE!!
  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 511

    Dec 23, 2008 10:07 AM GMT
    I met a guy in Butler Plaza to see a movie, but we were early, so we walked around for a bit. He went on and on about his ex. We dated for a bit after that. The ex always came up, and if it didn't I could tell he was still suffering from the bad breakup. After a while I felt like his counselor. There's a time & place to bring up ex conversations... definitely not on the first couple of dates though.

    I can't say that I've been compared to someone's ex during an initial conversation. If I did I would have forgotten cuz that dude would have been an insta-ignore icon_wink.gif
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Dec 23, 2008 12:24 PM GMT
    Ex is an interesting topic for conversation. So do work or one's hobby or interest. I find there nothing wrong about it. If I talk about my ex I dont mean to compare him with whoever I am going out with. Of course I wont talk about my ex the entire night. We sure have other intersting we can talk about.
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    Dec 23, 2008 12:47 PM GMT
    I think there's a bit of perspective too. Those of us who were in very long term relationships really can't get around the subject. I know when I was just out of it, I wasn't over it and it came up two early because (as was said before) I wasn't ready.
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    Dec 23, 2008 1:22 PM GMT
    matt45710 saidI think there's a bit of perspective too. Those of us who were in very long term relationships really can't get around the subject. I know when I was just out of it, I wasn't over it and it came up two early because (as was said before) I wasn't ready.

    matt45710 is on the money here. This is the point I was going to make as well. My ex and I were together for almost a decade and a half. It's foolish to pretend that those years of my life didn't exist, and it's unreasonable to expect me to never mention my past. The important thing is to avoid mentioning him at the beginning when your focus should be on the developing relationship. But to expect me to talk about a large portion of my recent past (as in the last decade) as if I did everything alone is not reasonable.
    The sensitive thing is to not bring him up in any kind of comparative way, regardless of whether it is positive or negative. This of course requires that you are fully over the relationship.
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    Dec 23, 2008 2:56 PM GMT



    Within an hour of talking to Bill for the first time, words about his ex came up, actually barely into the conversation the subject of his ex came up. I learned two things after delving into this and leading the conversation; he sure knew how to love a guy (thrilling!) and he had a lot of stamina when it came to rough spots in a relationship.
    Lastly, I was able to commiserate with him a little (what a world, eh? kind of speak)
    Bingo!

    It's really not what you talk about as much as how you talk about it. His history is his and good or bad, valuable.
  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Dec 23, 2008 3:09 PM GMT
    Isn't there a difference between being over an ex and pretending they don't exist?

    I mean, they're a part of a person's history and life, no? If they talk about nothing else, sure, but barring that...
  • Rookz

    Posts: 947

    Dec 23, 2008 3:22 PM GMT
    DiverScience saidIsn't there a difference between being over an ex and pretending they don't exist?

    I mean, they're a part of a person's history and life, no? If they talk about nothing else, sure, but barring that...


    And then that person is being a pain to themselves, not to mention to the poor date as well.
  • MattyC0709

    Posts: 1199

    Dec 23, 2008 3:24 PM GMT
    I do talk about an ex sometimes, but minimally. Simply as a side comment. Only if the other person asks about him do I continue. If anything, while still trying to get to know a guy, hence not having a boyfriend yet, there isn't anyone else you can talk about relationship-wise.
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    Dec 23, 2008 3:41 PM GMT
    Both my present partner & I sometimes reference our ex-partners, but then both of them are dead, both to AIDS, so not likely to be an actual threat to our relationship. In our case it's more about offering comfort to each other, because it's not something you ever totally forget, ever totally get over, and we both understand that.

    But neither of us obsesses, either. It's a loss we both share, and a happiness we both found with each other, so our case is perhaps exceptional.

    I had an ex who DID obsesses about a subsequent ex he had, however, and it killed his future relationships. He'd bring this ex into every conversation with his date, until that's all he was talking about. Needless to say, the other guy would walk.

    My ex would claim it was to criticize and bad-mouth his former lover, and ask for advice how to get rid of the guy, who was allegedly the one obsessed with HIM. But any reasonably bright date could see right through that delusion, and realize he didn't want to get in the middle of that kind of emotional tug-of-war.

    My ex should have just kept his mouth shut and focused solely on the guy at hand, giving him his exclusive attention. Even if the date didn't see the ex as his rival per se, the manner of handling it would have sent red flags up regarding what to expect should their own relationship develop. Plus frankly, it's a matter of good manners: you dance with the one you brought to the party.
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    Dec 23, 2008 3:42 PM GMT
    Bringing up the Ex is a sticky one!!! Sometimes it's ok and relevant other times you risk the chance of coming off creepy and not over him/it! So if you feel the need to talk about the Ex, do so in a manner that you don't refer to him as the Ex make him an aka or call him your "friend that you knew" or something, softens the blow with the "new" guy!!!

    Just don't be creepy about it!!!
  • Rookz

    Posts: 947

    Dec 23, 2008 3:50 PM GMT
    a1972guy saidBringing up the Ex is a sticky one!!! Sometimes it's ok and relevant other times you risk the chance of coming off creepy and not over him/it! So if you feel the need to talk about the Ex, do so in a manner that you don't refer to him as the Ex make him an aka or call him your "friend that you knew" or something, softens the blow with the "new" guy!!!

    Just don't be creepy about it!!!


    This is quite true. People should realize the tact of conversation that it goes right down to "is this cool or not to say." Since your meeting the new man initially, it's like a interview process: they are getting to know you to see if your worth investing. In the interview process, if your questioned or you talk about a bad experience, its best to express what you've learned from that bad mistake and you've moved on and learned a valuable experience.

    That is, for the people who got over the break-up. And if there's that right moment, the right timing of the conversation to speak about exes, briefly.
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    Dec 23, 2008 3:53 PM GMT
    I don't think ANYONE wants someone to negate a major part of their past, no, not at all.

    I think what the OP is saying - and what I agree with - is that when you're on a first date, or a second date, or just getting to know a guy, and randomly, out of the blue, your date starts talking about the ex.

    There are ways to bring this up! I've been asked "Have you been in an LTR?" I'd rather learn about someone's past in that context than to hear "Ooooh, ketchup. You put ketchup on your scrambled eggs. My ex did that. He was mean and a jerk. I haven't looked at ketchup the same way again."
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    Dec 23, 2008 3:53 PM GMT


    That made me laugh a1972guy! Imagine this,

    First guy: "Hey, how ya doin?"

    Second unknown guy: "OK. Hey your shirt is the same colour as the tent I slept in last night, camped in my ex's front yard with my binoculars and semi-automatic as I watched his front door all night."

    First guy: " Dayum, you just reminded me I've gotta finish up this drink and head home to report in to the POLICE DETACHMENT where I work."