"Toilet Paper" mishaps....

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    Mar 07, 2014 12:07 AM GMT
    What's the strangest, most unconventional, embarassing, funny, painful....occurrence that you have ever had happen because of what you used to wipe with in the bathroom (or wherever you got relief)?

    For me....the house was out of TP and no time to shop before nature called....I ended up using the PUFF's Tissues....only to later find out that they had Vicks in them...OMG! LOL!icon_rolleyes.gificon_lol.gif
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    Mar 07, 2014 12:08 AM GMT
    As long as they are two-ply to keep the nails clean ....
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    Mar 07, 2014 12:23 AM GMT
    I didn't know how to use the three seashells and everyone thought it was hilarious. It's not my fault I was cryogenically frozen icon_sad.gif
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    Mar 07, 2014 12:48 AM GMT
    No toilet paper stories, but I got a toilet story. For a short time when I was a kid, we lived in a place that had no indoor plumbing, so we had to use a bucket.

    The bathroom was shared with this dude that looked like a pervert, so my mom and grandmother did not want to use that bathroom.
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    Mar 07, 2014 12:52 AM GMT
    Here's an excerpt from one of my short stories, that deals with toilet paper (or the lack thereof). This was during an overnight hike during boys summer camp, 1957, following some skinny-dipping in a creek in the woods:

    Back at our campsite the counselors showed us how to build a cooking fire, and taught us other outdoor skills. We were assigned sleeping spots to clear away for our blankets, the only cover or bedding we'd have for the night. Then we lit our fire, and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows, and continued to sit around the crackling blaze and tell stories as it got dark, and until the flames died down. Finally we all went to "bed."

    I remember staring up at the stars through the leafy canopy above, and listening to the strange sounds in the woods, feeling a bit afraid after all our fireside fright stories. For just like at our big weekly bonfires, when the entire camp gathered around the blaze on the big lawn at night, we had told classic tales of ghosts and monsters. And about that decade's new threat from the sky: flying saucers and spacemen, factual stories all guaranteed to be absolutely true.

    So I scanned the stars for suspicious moving lights, and wondered what earthly threats might be making the noises all around me. Or had a saucer already secretly landed on the other side of the hill, its weird occupants making their way through the woods towards us with death rays at the ready, and abduction in mind?

    But also keeping me awake was the growing discomfort of not having had access to a toilet since morning. The intestinal cramps were getting stronger, until I knew I couldn't wait for dawn, and would have to immediately avail myself of the "field toilet" method our counselors had explained.

    I remember they said toilet paper was somewhere in the supply truck, but I was far from it. The ground presented a minefield of sleeping boys scattered between me and it, and, to make matters worse, my flashlight was failing.

    I, on the other hand, was located on the very edge of the woods. And I also remembered the counselors saying a wide leaf could substitute for toilet paper in an emergency. This was rapidly becoming an emergency.

    I'll spare readers any graphic details and trust to the imagination. Suffice to say I was able to get comfortably to sleep before too long, after a revoltingly earthy experience.

    But not until I had first braved the full terrors of the dark woods, that grew ever greater as I stumbled blindly around, far from the protection of the campsite, my flashlight growing dimmer and dimmer and finally dying, just when I needed it most. Following that highly eventful first day and night, our return hike to the main camp the next afternoon was so anti-climatic that I have no clear memory of it at all.

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    Mar 07, 2014 1:08 AM GMT
    ^^^^ the big question that can't be answered with a dim flashlight is ...... did you recycle any corn?
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    Mar 07, 2014 1:13 AM GMT
    paz_the_gnome saidabout 10 years ago during the last month of my first semester at college-the local community college-ecc. i used to be so comfortable with doing number 2 over there since i pretty much grew up in that school where my mom would shuffle my bro and me in there while she was taking classes when we were kids.

    one time, i did my thing and i walked to the cafeteria where my brother and my friend were waiting for me while they were getting their lunch. two women waiting on the other side had called me over. i was on some dumb shit like "i really need some pussy" or whatever crap trying to convince myself that i was straight at the time where i would annoy my bro and my friend with it so they were like "yeah, go over there. you about to get yourself some ass". so i came over there a bit nervous, thinking they liked me or whatever. instead they told me that i had a string of toilet paper hanging out from the back of waist of my pants, all from the insides of my boxers all the way down to the floor. i was embarrassed. couldn't believe i walked all the way from the bathroom to the cafeteria doing that shit. icon_redface.gif my bro and my friend saw that shit was were laughing at me when i walked back to them after i walked to the garbage can and came back over to them.

    after that, i stopped using public restrooms.


    You know how strong that 'industrial strength' toilet paper is, right .... especially the single ply ?

    I knew a guy who did similar at our company annual meeting where the first night goal is to get as shit faced as one did at the same meeting the previous year, which is pretty shitted faced.

    It was 'his time' right in the middle of our three hour happy hour and he somehow got the TP stuck on a piece of corn still lodge up there or in his pants or something, butT he came back out into the happy hour area with pretty much the entire roll unrolling behind him.
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    Mar 07, 2014 1:19 AM GMT
    And people laughed at my pissing outdoors thread. But for me, the last one I remember was going to a convenience store/gas station and the restroom was out of order (as usual) so it said to use the employee's. No TP, I had to look in the garbage can to see if there was something there. I found a clean paper towel (from when they had paper towels) but I still went home and took a shower. I think I have other ones from back in the day. I'll be sure to share them as the old brain remembers em. icon_lol.gif
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    Mar 07, 2014 1:25 AM GMT
    OK this is my story there was this girl that worked near my home and would visit me almost every Saturday in her lunch time. At first I was flattered but then I started to notice she used my bathroom every single time. And what was worse, after a few times she started to use it for #2! Maybe Im old fashioned but I don't want to think of girls taking dumps, I mean I know they do but I dont want to think about that, much less having that happen in my own house, specially because after she left my bathroom stinked!!! Fuckin nasty but I couldn't bring myself to tell her anything. Then one day she left and I waited like 40 mins before getting myself in the bathroom and when I did, the videt was just like this but hitting the ceiling >>> bidet.jpg
    All my bathroom soaked, I called and told her what happened and she said "ah yeah, sorry about that! I dont use toilet paper". Then it hit me shed been cleaning her shitty ass on my videt for like 2 months. And if you ever used a videt you know the water splashes everywhere....
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    Mar 07, 2014 1:31 AM GMT
    ^yuck
  • Cam65

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    Mar 07, 2014 1:36 AM GMT
    Once, i had to go to the bathroom so bad i tought i couldnt make it, and then i realized there werent any toilet paper so i went home to wipe properly icon_redface.gif
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    Mar 07, 2014 1:52 AM GMT
    ART_DECO saidHere's an excerpt from one of my short stories, that deals with toilet paper (or the lack thereof). This was during an overnight hike during boys summer camp, 1957, following some skinny-dipping in a creek in the woods:

    Back at our campsite the counselors showed us how to build a cooking fire, and taught us other outdoor skills. We were assigned sleeping spots to clear away for our blankets, the only cover or bedding we'd have for the night. Then we lit our fire, and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows, and continued to sit around the crackling blaze and tell stories as it got dark, and until the flames died down. Finally we all went to "bed."

    I remember staring up at the stars through the leafy canopy above, and listening to the strange sounds in the woods, feeling a bit afraid after all our fireside fright stories. For just like at our big weekly bonfires, when the entire camp gathered around the blaze on the big lawn at night, we had told classic tales of ghosts and monsters. And about that decade's new threat from the sky: flying saucers and spacemen, factual stories all guaranteed to be absolutely true.

    So I scanned the stars for suspicious moving lights, and wondered what earthly threats might be making the noises all around me. Or had a saucer already secretly landed on the other side of the hill, its weird occupants making their way through the woods towards us with death rays at the ready, and abduction in mind?

    But also keeping me awake was the growing discomfort of not having had access to a toilet since morning. The intestinal cramps were getting stronger, until I knew I couldn't wait for dawn, and would have to immediately avail myself of the "field toilet" method our counselors had explained.

    I remember they said toilet paper was somewhere in the supply truck, but I was far from it. The ground presented a minefield of sleeping boys scattered between me and it, and, to make matters worse, my flashlight was failing.

    I, on the other hand, was located on the very edge of the woods. And I also remembered the counselors saying a wide leaf could substitute for toilet paper in an emergency. This was rapidly becoming an emergency.

    I'll spare readers any graphic details and trust to the imagination. Suffice to say I was able to get comfortably to sleep before too long, after a revoltingly earthy experience.

    But not until I had first braved the full terrors of the dark woods, that grew ever greater as I stumbled blindly around, far from the protection of the campsite, my flashlight growing dimmer and dimmer and finally dying, just when I needed it most. Following that highly eventful first day and night, our return hike to the main camp the next afternoon was so anti-climatic that I have no clear memory of it at all.


    I was waiting for the bit about later finding out you had been in a patch of poison ivy in those woods.
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    Mar 07, 2014 1:59 AM GMT
    HikerSkier said
    I was waiting for the bit about later finding out you had been in a patch of poison ivy in those woods.

    No, and I've never been bothered by poison ivy, despite all my time in the woods over many years. However, the leaves I used to wipe myself were very rough, made me a bit sore. And I went really far out from the camp, so nobody would smell it, nor walk into it the next day, because I had no shovel. I almost got lost, with my flashlight going dead on a moonless night.
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    Mar 07, 2014 2:50 AM GMT
    David3000 said bidet.jpg


    You have a "videt"??
    Just how gay are you??
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    Mar 07, 2014 3:03 AM GMT
    Keep this in mind if you ever take a crap in a public restroom and forgot to make sure there's toilet paper. Those paper toilet covers work quite well as toilet paper.
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    Mar 07, 2014 5:06 AM GMT
    I line public toilets w/ toilet paper and one time when I pulled my pants up, the toilet paper was stuck sticking out of my pants- I was walking around the restaurant with toilet paper flying like a flag and my friends laughed so hard for the longest time that they couldn't even tell me about it.
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    Mar 07, 2014 5:21 AM GMT
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    Mar 07, 2014 6:15 AM GMT
    freedomisntfree saidAs long as they are two-ply to keep the nails clean ....

    For all you nail biters out there, keep this in mind the next time you feel the urge to bite.
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    Mar 07, 2014 7:19 AM GMT
    dustin_K_tx said
    David3000 said bidet.jpg


    You have a "videt"??
    Just how gay are you??

    lol at your lack of cultural skills. Just like uncut cocks, videts are only uncommon in USA, but you got them in the rest of the world (or at least in most Europe and Latin America).
    Anyways, videts are very useless things if you're a man, but girls use it to wash their vaginas right before sex. I dont know how they handle that in USA but the lack of videt could be the reason of the widely spread fishy pussy syndrome icon_lol.gif
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    Mar 07, 2014 5:27 PM GMT
    David3000 saidOK this is my story there was this girl that worked near my home and would visit me almost every Saturday in her lunch time. At first I was flattered but then I started to notice she used my bathroom every single time. And what was worse, after a few times she started to use it for #2! Maybe Im old fashioned but I don't want to think of girls taking dumps, I mean I know they do but I dont want to think about that, much less having that happen in my own house, specially because after she left my bathroom stinked!!! Fuckin nasty but I couldn't bring myself to tell her anything. Then one day she left and I waited like 40 mins before getting myself in the bathroom and when I did, the videt was just like this but hitting the ceiling >>> bidet.jpg
    All my bathroom soaked, I called and told her what happened and she said "ah yeah, sorry about that! I dont use toilet paper". Then it hit me shed been cleaning her shitty ass on my videt for like 2 months. And if you ever used a videt you know the water splashes everywhere....


    You mean a " bidet ' ..lol...
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    Mar 07, 2014 5:29 PM GMT
    David3000 said
    dustin_K_tx said
    David3000 said bidet.jpg


    You have a "videt"??
    Just how gay are you??

    lol at your lack of cultural skills. Just like uncut cocks, videts are only uncommon in USA, but you got them in the rest of the world (or at least in most Europe and Latin America).
    Anyways, videts are very useless things if you're a man, but girls use it to wash their vaginas right before sex. I dont know how they handle that in USA but the lack of videt could be the reason of the widely spread fishy pussy syndrome icon_lol.gif


    Perfect answer for an uninformed galah !
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    Mar 07, 2014 6:31 PM GMT
    neffa said

    You mean a " bidet ' ..lol...

    Yeah whatever, in spanish its with a V I thought it would be the same in english.
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    Mar 08, 2014 1:27 AM GMT
    Where I used to live, people prefer to rinse rather than wipe with toilet paper. They think it's gross to just wipe because there will be residue stuck to your body. If they have to use toilet paper at a public restroom, they will go home and clean themselves as fast as they can.

    So home bathrooms will have bidet (or videt) or a hose for washing.
  • Trauts

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    Mar 08, 2014 3:26 AM GMT
    There was once in Primary school, I had a terrible stomachache and rushed into one of the cubicles. I then realised, halfway, that the cubicle didn't have any TP. I ended up using my undies and throwing it away in the trash after. Freeballing at its finest, just saying...
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    Mar 08, 2014 4:09 AM GMT
    Once you've done the one hand method in a squat toilet nothing can phase you.