I feel like an outcast in the gay community sometimes.

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    Mar 10, 2014 3:32 AM GMT
    I decided to venture to my local gay bar (by local I mean 45 minutes away) this last weekend. I've only went once, but decided to go by myself this time and watch the drag show, shoot some pool, and (hopefully) meet some new friends!

    Anyway, I get there around 11 and it's slow. I go up to the bar and get a water and start chatting it up with some business man next to me about the weather and whatever. About an hour later a guy in his 30's (maybe) comes in and sits next to me. He's a bit more heavy set, has a beard, and pretty tall. He says "hi" to me and I say hi back. The next thing I know we're chatting about movies, video games, and all sorts of nerdy stuff. I didn't find myself attracted to him at all, but it was cool meeting a new friend and talking about stuff we could both relate to.

    Now, everyone knows each other in this bar (apparently) so it was hard for me to open up to people unless they approached me (they were all in groups). So as I'm chatting it up with this guy two of his friends come over and start talking to him. I just watch t.v. and (hopefully) wait for them to ask me something, but then that's when the crap starts. I hear them giggling a bit and I can tell out of my peripherals they are looking and talking about me. I hear words like "twink" and more laughing. The guy who was so chatty with me suddenly didn't have anything to say, but did have the balls to be sitting right next to me and poke fun at me.

    I'm starting to get a bit upset, so I look at him and ask him if those were his friends. He said "yes" and they all just stare at me. "Nice to meet you guys" I say. They don't say a word back... they just stare at me. I have no choice but to just break eye-contact awkwardly and bury myself in my phone for a second, and then to hear more snickering.

    I'm not really sure what I did, or how I could have handled the situation better. I felt like a total loser, and honestly felt like saying something to them, but it didn't matter. To people like that I'll always be a "twink" and labeled in that way. I felt weird, so I ended up just leaving. I was having a bad time anyway.

    *Sigh*! Please no trolling... I guess I need to vent like usual. I'm not trying to play victim, but I can't stand when people put themselves in a bear, twink, ect, ect, category and live up to it. icon_sad.gif I can't stand even more when they put me in one without knowing me.
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    Mar 10, 2014 3:52 AM GMT
    What did those guys look like ? Were they at least hot ? ( just asking since they thought they were such a good judge on looks ).

    Well thats gay men for you, the only group of adults who allows themselves to be socially categorized by ridiculous sexual names i.e bear, twink, ect, and still expects and demands respect from outsiders ( straights ), what bunch of ass belonkers. Gays seriously need to get it tofuckinggether
  • Chainers

    Posts: 375

    Mar 10, 2014 3:56 AM GMT
    I feel the same way man. It sucks but it is life.
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    Mar 10, 2014 4:01 AM GMT
    Sorry Bubs and shut the hell up, you know we love you.
    So what if you're a twink; own that shit.
    I went from jock to muscle bear, back to jock and now bear again, soon I'll be a polar I'm guessing. At each stage I just owned it and switched the bars I went to; which btw: small town ones suck--the guy probably dumped all their asses so they were cock blocking you. you'll never know, let it go.
    Should have seen the way I was treated at the only Gay bar in Sandusky--fuck did I care. I was there to drink and have a good time; by the end of the summer I owned the joint and every hot twink in it.
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    Mar 10, 2014 4:05 AM GMT
    If it is 11 on a Saturday night and the bar is slow where everyone there knows each other and the bar regulars treat a new face like that, then it is not that difficult to figure out why the bar is slow. They're the outcasts in society, hanging out in a not very busy bar, being miserable together. Be glad you're an outcast from that group.
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    Mar 10, 2014 4:06 AM GMT
    Kataka saidWhat did those guys look like ? Were they at least hot ? ( just asking since they thought they were such a good judge on looks ).

    Well thats gay men for you, the only group of adults who allows themselves to be socially categorized by ridiculous sexual names i.e bear, twink, ect, and still expects and demands respect from outsiders ( straights ), what bunch of ass belonkers. Gays seriously need to get it tofuckinggether


    Well, I wasn't attracted to them but that doesn't mean they're not attractive. It doesn't really matter I guess. It definitely doesn't do the gay community any justice acting that way.

    Chainers saidI feel the same way man. It sucks but it is life.


    I guess so!

    Broseph saidIt was them, not you. And it's not reasonable to think you'll make friends any time you go out (if you have standards). I wouldn't let it get you down.

    The fact that you were willing to put yourself out there and go out alone and talk to strangers means you will wind up with more friends eventually than those losers. Know this and keep your head up icon_smile.gif

    My partner and I went out last night to a gay bar for the first time in years after dinner and it was just about as tragic. We had a few beers, laughed about stupid shit and then went home. Be your own entertainment and don't settle.

    Have you looked at meetup.com for local gay gatherings by any chance? That might be more activity-oriented and less flesh buffet...


    Thanks, Broseph! I know it was definitely them, but I just can't wrap my mind around people acting mean for the sake of acting mean sometimes. Glad to know I'm not alone and you and your partner experienced the same things.

    I'm moving soon so not really looking at the meetup.com thing just yet.

    dustin_K_tx saidSorry Bubs and shut the hell up, you know we love you.
    So what if you're a twink; own that shit.
    I went from jock to muscle bear, back to jock and now bear again, soon I'll be a polar I'm guessing. At each stage I just owned it and switched the bars I went to; which btw: small town ones suck--the guy probably dumped all their asses so they were cock blocking you. you'll never know, let it go.
    Should have seen the way I was treated at the only Gay bar in Sandusky--fuck did I care. I was there to drink and have a good time; by the end of the summer I owned the joint and every hot twink in it.


    Haha RJ members rock. Thanks for being so awesome everyone. I guess it's not a big deal having "labels", but I kinda feel when you "own" it you're trying to be someone who you're really not. I'm not airheaded, extremely skinny, or blond (which is what I think of when I think of a twink). I'm just an average height, athletics, and brown haired dude. I'm just me and it would be cool for people to see that and not a label.
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    Mar 10, 2014 4:07 AM GMT
    Iceblink saidIf it is 11 on a Saturday night and the bar is slow where everyone there knows each other and the bar regulars treat a new face like that, then it is not that difficult to figure out why the bar is slow. They're the outcasts in society, hanging out in a not very busy bar, being miserable together. Be glad you're an outcast from that group.


    That's a good point, Iceblink! I did have my feelings a bit hurt but I did leave realizing that the issue was theirs, not mine. I'm glad I'm not a person like that. I find people interesting and would never want to be mean to someone for the sake of being mean. It doesn't mean I'm perfect or the nicest person in the world, but I know I wouldn't want to be treated badly so why would I go out of my way to do that to someone else?
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    Mar 10, 2014 4:12 AM GMT
    "You don’t need anyone’s affection or approval in order to be good enough. When someone rejects or abandons or judges you, it isn’t actually about you. It’s about them and their own insecurities, limitations, and needs, and you don’t have to internalize that. Your worth isn’t contingent upon other people’s acceptance of you — it’s something inherent. You exist, and therefore, you matter. You’re allowed to voice your thoughts and feelings. You’re allowed to assert your needs and take up space. You’re allowed to hold onto the truth that who you are is exactly enough. And you’re allowed to remove anyone from your life who makes you feel otherwise.”

    — Daniell Koepke

    I do feel like an an outcast sometimes but if someone can't see my awesomeness - not my fault. And it shouldn't be yours icon_wink.gif.
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    Mar 10, 2014 4:14 AM GMT
    The guy sounds a bit spineless if he wasn't cool with talking to you after his friends showed up. Any kind of confident human being would have introduced you to his friends and continued with your conversation.

    I feel like an outcast in the gay community most days, though I've grown to embrace it. icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 10, 2014 4:14 AM GMT


    Josh my Josh, you handled the situation perfectly.

    If you think you didn't, just imagine you were someone else, say the bartender, watching and listening to the whole thing play out.
    Who took the high ground?

    Who, in spite of perceived disparagement, took the initiative and introduced himself to a group he found was ostracizing him?

    Who was kind enough to respond and enter an engaging conversation in the first place when someone else said Hi?

    You did.

    You will just have to get used to, at times, being a man among boys. *grins in happiness and a little awe*

    -both of us

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    Mar 10, 2014 4:19 AM GMT
    You are not alone. I've been to bars and started hating myself because of all the cliques, it was high school all over again. Those guys are vapid assholes and you wouldn't want to waste your time on them anyway.

    Some bars are awesome though, I've met many friends going out by myself. You just need to find a bar that has the right vibe.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Mar 10, 2014 4:42 AM GMT
    their real issue is that they are threatened by anyone they don't know and socially inept. It is likely they were high, so they were in their only little world commenting on the world around them. Most of those sorts are inconsiderate of others, petty, and self-centered. Eventually, they even turn on each other. Consider yourself lucky you didn't get to know them. Try not to judge everyone by a couple of jerks, and in the future, give them the same treatment they gave you, if come across them again. And those type, you will meet in the future, and they will try to befriend you and it never ends well.
  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Mar 10, 2014 4:50 AM GMT
    Hey,

    Lots of guys on here gave good advice and supported you. I agree with them. Its them, not you and you should not let it get you down. Even though it will get you down. I've never experienced it the way like you have experienced it but I've had similar things happen and it just feels bad. You know you shouldn't let it get to you but it does. It's a matter of time that the feelings will fade and your mind will tell you, yes it wasn't me, it was them indeed. And you just know now that you don't want to go there again.

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    Mar 10, 2014 4:51 AM GMT
    You should've done this and walked away:
    Gif-Queen-Elizabeth-II-Giving-Finger.gif
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    Mar 10, 2014 4:52 AM GMT
    Maybe it was more like a bear type gay bar? Anyways they acted like jerks.
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    Mar 10, 2014 5:11 AM GMT
    Don't be discouraged. You're young and you'll find your niche. icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 10, 2014 5:16 AM GMT
    Sounds like they were all greater than 10s on the RJ Mean Girl 1-10 scale.

    Nasty boys…



    They lost out by not getting to know you!
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Mar 10, 2014 5:33 AM GMT
    Rude people are rude.

    I know the feeling though and it sucks. You go out to have a good time and all you get is shit for your trouble.

    These fuckwads obviously haven't a lick of sense so count your blessings.
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    Mar 10, 2014 5:42 AM GMT
    Iceblink saidIf it is 11 on a Saturday night and the bar is slow where everyone there knows each other and the bar regulars treat a new face like that, then it is not that difficult to figure out why the bar is slow. They're the outcasts in society, hanging out in a not very busy bar, being miserable together. Be glad you're an outcast from that group.

    This.

    People who are cruel for sport are the ugliest people in the world. Don't question your own worth after an encounter with them. They aren't worth a second thought. What happened reflects only on them, not you.

    The lesson you should take away from this experience is to recognize the kinds of people/places to stay away from. When you dive into a shark tank, expect to be treated like chum.

    Too many young people are attracted to sociopaths and want to emulate them. Don't be one of them, and you'll be just fine.
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    Mar 10, 2014 5:44 AM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidSorry Bubs and shut the hell up, you know we love you.
    So what if you're a twink; own that shit.
    I went from jock to muscle bear, back to jock and now bear again, soon I'll be a polar I'm guessing. At each stage I just owned it and switched the bars I went to; which btw: small town ones suck--the guy probably dumped all their asses so they were cock blocking you. you'll never know, let it go.
    Should have seen the way I was treated at the only Gay bar in Sandusky--fuck did I care. I was there to drink and have a good time; by the end of the summer I owned the joint and every hot twink in it.


    "Gay bar in Sandusky"


    ClubX ????

    If so, I'm there once a year, 1st weekend in August.
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    Mar 10, 2014 6:06 AM GMT
    Sorry Josh, going out alone is hard and I give you a LOT, I mean a LOT of credit for going out alone. I use to try and get so depressed because I couldn't even get a conversation started with someone. The other guys were jerks. It's easy to make fun of others when you're in a group and you can act like you're so special because you get encouragement from your other loser friends.

    You took the high road and were the better person. Don't let this discourage you from going out. Obviously you found guys that enjoyed your conversation so you have something going for you.

    Hang in there!!!
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    Mar 10, 2014 6:25 AM GMT
    JumpMan_Josh said
    Iceblink saidIf it is 11 on a Saturday night and the bar is slow where everyone there knows each other and the bar regulars treat a new face like that, then it is not that difficult to figure out why the bar is slow. They're the outcasts in society, hanging out in a not very busy bar, being miserable together. Be glad you're an outcast from that group.


    That's a good point, Iceblink! I did have my feelings a bit hurt but I did leave realizing that the issue was theirs, not mine. I'm glad I'm not a person like that. I find people interesting and would never want to be mean to someone for the sake of being mean. It doesn't mean I'm perfect or the nicest person in the world, but I know I wouldn't want to be treated badly so why would I go out of my way to do that to someone else?

    Dang, how can anyone not like this sweetheart?
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    Mar 10, 2014 8:54 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear about that.

    you know i may only see inside a gay bar every 3 or so years now days, as they hold little attraction for me, thus I'm always a new face, and i find it amusing that people either think I'm straight and walked into the wrong pub, or I'm bi and have a wife at home.icon_lol.gif
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    Mar 10, 2014 8:58 AM GMT
    They sound like dicks. Don't waste any more time on them icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 10, 2014 10:23 AM GMT
    I'm a little confused by your story. So were you interested in one of those bears/slightly heavy guys to sleep with them or just be their friends ? They were probably surprised a *twink interested in them. They acted kinda mean but don't sweat it. I find it funny and odd looking at people, cliques in gay bar. It's like everyone is putting on a show but secretly they all want the hottest, cutest guy to come and talk to them. Hint, Go Alone and make yourself more available. I get hit on most when I'm solo. I usually just ignore the group/crowd and find the cute solo guy standing in the corner. But yeah, Bars and Clubs are good for hook ups, not long-lasting friendship.