"My story of abuse, hope and agony"

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    Mar 10, 2014 6:53 AM GMT
    I was always afraid to write this story and post it here , because of the nature of the abuse but instead someone here recommended I write it so I would be able to heal and I guess it turned into a short book I'm still working on. So some dark subje ct matter is mentioned. You have been advised. And a very special thank you to the RJ member who helped me understand nothing was my fault. Although I still have my moments of why? This has help me heal and I hope you guys understand this is part of my healing prosses.

    More years passed and the rumors about us got stronger. About who our bio mom was. My dad got together with my stepmom when we were around 4. We moved from town to town for 3 years. We finally got a home living with my grand parents but later on they were deported back to mexico. And we could not afford the house and we were evicted. My dad called in a favor from a landlord he knew and asked him if he could rent us a small house and he did. My step mom and a kid, she named him raul, he was disabled he could not hear or speak. So when he started school he would go to school in the next town over in Bakersfield. Everyday since kindergarden. We still live in the same house to this day. After that around 4 grade, a friend of the family abused me for many years, in ways you would not believe, one day i told him no and i fought back and he pulled a pistol on me and told me if i wanted to keep my family safe i would do exactly as he said. I was going to tell my dad because he knew him, but he was there and he showed me the butt of the pistol and i stayed quiet. One night he made me go outside, and i remember clear as day, he had a blank in the gun and he shot it into the air but it was empty, no one though nothing of it since our town has lots of guns around. He abused me and hit me everyday for the next few years. 2 years had passed and i turned 12, the abuse got more sexual. I got so used to the pain that i just went into my own little world. Where there was only happiness and no pain. Every time i refused he pointed the pistol at me, empty but he had rounds in his pocket. I could hear them moving when he used me. 13 years old. I started to grow like any other guy, and i got rebellious, towards him. After that time he stole my dads house key and made copies of them.Yet again he hit me and abused me more rougher everyday. One day i had enough. One night, that god forsaken night, he was fixing a house and he forced me in there to work. I hid a knife about 2 inches in my pocket. He locked all the doors before i got in and blocked the exits with furniture. The windows were to small to get out of. And when the abused started he took off his jacket with the ammo in it. When his back was turned to me I stabbed him in the back in a downward motion. He yelled in pain and twisted around and backhanded almost knocking me unconscious. And took out the knife and wrapped tape around it to hold it shut. Then He pulled off my pants and as the doctors say "deflowered me" the pain was so bad. Every time i would yell he hit me on my back with the pistol, and a few times on the head. This kept on till i was 17. Then one day i was so fed up with the pain and suffering. That i decided to do the unthinkable, i was going to make sure he would cease to exist. I made up my mind thinking if he were dead, he could not hurt me anymore or my family in anyway. I could not take it anymore! I was sick and tired of it all, for so long i wanted to make sure my family was safe, for so long i made sure nothing happened to them at the cost of my own happiness. No one knew what was happening to me, until i let my guard down with another victim who was older than me, she knew what i felt the pain the agony, the constant threats, the empty hopes of that person dying or moving far away. She put a stop to it all. And i told her was i was going to do, and she disagreed with me and i did not understand why. How come we dont cause them pain and agony? When they done so much to me?. After that a police investigation happened, i told them everything, and what i planned to do, i got the sex talk from a police officer that lasted for for nearly all day because of what he had done to me and of course of the opposite sex, for a long time i was ashamed how my body reacted to abuse, but it was the only thing i knew, i was ashamed i got erections during my abuse and for so long i blamed myself for letting it happen. i never fully could enjoy myself physically or sexually because of him. I never had any therapy, even when my parents found out, because mental health is looked down on. I went on my life with the scars and pain, and the horrible memories, that keep me awake at night. And nobody understood me why i would fight back so hard when someone touched me or tried to take off my clothes when i was a kid. And when i had bruises i tell my mom i fell on the playground, which i never did nobody wanted to play with me, because of my slow learning disability nobody really bothered with me till my last year of middle school. I could never hold on to a relationship, female or male, because i was always too scared of showing them how i feel and how to explain that i need time to get used to being in a relationship with them, after a while the wanted to get more personal which i could not do because i was ashamed of myself, i was kissed by a girl once that i was dating, and i started to cry because of what happened in the past. And i knew she would not understand, even though i told her and explained, she up and cheated on me, and after a while she left me. Same with the guys. I started to looking for answers, why this!? Why that?! A year passed now in my senior year, i passed my classes, and enisted into the army but that did not work out for long i almost graduated but i hurt my hip and nearly fractured it and they considered it a high risk to keep me so i was sent home under a general discharge, that was the far worst day of my life as an adult on my own. Having everything i cared about all my teammates, my hopes and dreams, and it felt as if they were torn out of my very soul. I came home depressed, i had nothing left again, no money, no job, all i had at home was my family im thankful for, but they never understood my pain. All i had was false hopes that were given to me that i tried to so hard to make real. After that one of my school mates his name was benjerman he died in a car accident, but the police took there sweet god dam time and he died 18 minutes later. If they got there in time he would have lived. So i was left to deal with it on my own. And i solved my own issues by myself, by often ignoring them, and pushing my memories from conscious thought. After that my grandma's twin sister died but she died at peace, as did my step moms uncle, he was killed my his mentally unstable girlfriend he left a few years ago, she shot him 5 times in his back 3 shots deadly, she in jail now on life. And on August 12,13 Then i forgot about my own pain, and saw the suffering of others, and i realized i dont want them to be hurting anymore so i started school for medical assistant and i want to become a registered nurse. And i want to help the patients of abuse, and the ones with disabilities. And that where i am up to this day.
    And now I speak openly to others who have been abused, and help them cope with issues brought on by the events. And Ialso talk to parents the warning signs of a child being abused. Now to this very day I am almost finished my medical classes. And I am planning to go in to collage for my lisensced vocational nurse classes.
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    Mar 10, 2014 7:28 AM GMT
    Thanks for sharing your story, that was very brave of you and Im glad you found a way to transform all the pain into something positive to help others, that's big of you. Lots of people would have break in your situation. You seem like a strong guy, and the fact you opened up to us means a lot. It looks to me you're in the right path to find peace with the hell you lived. And remember that you're not alone, even if its an online community we're here to listen and give advice if you need it.
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    Mar 10, 2014 7:36 AM GMT
    Thank you, david 3000 means a lot to me. And yes I am finding more peace everyday. Thanks for the support.
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    Mar 11, 2014 4:50 AM GMT
    Hugs.
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    Mar 23, 2014 3:22 PM GMT
    Thanks for sharing your story. icon_sad.gif
    *Hugs*