Why do I keep bailing on my friends?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 15, 2014 4:53 PM GMT
    I keep promising my friends I'll go out with them on a Saturday night but I've bailed again. I've bailed every weekend since mid February.

    It's not like I've been a recluse though. I've been going out to work, I've met a few friends one to one for a coffee at my place and I've been to my families houses etc. Yesterday after work I went out for a few drinks with mates because they were worried and got home at about 10:30pm-10:45pm (had a few drinks so it may have been a different time but it wasn't a late one).

    I really did plan on going out tonight just as I did all the other Saturdays I bailed but the thought of it makes my stomach knot up and I feel like I've been punched literally. Does this happen to anyone else regarding going out and if so why does it happen?

    The thought that my friends are going to put pressure on me to go out is making me feel like being sick too so I can't win either way!
  • jo2hotbod

    Posts: 3603

    Mar 15, 2014 5:01 PM GMT
    You are depressed and they are not pressuring you, you are pressuring yourself. They just want to enjoy your company
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    Mar 15, 2014 5:05 PM GMT
    I don't feel depressed like I went out yesterday for hours its just something about Saturday I can't put my finger on.
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    Mar 15, 2014 5:30 PM GMT
    There comes a time in your life when going out every weekend becomes very monotonous and boring. As you grow older some of your interests and expectations about yourself will change, especially when what you expect of yourself is not congruent with what you actually are. There's nothing wrong in feeling that. Of course, this is just an assumption of your situation.
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    Mar 15, 2014 5:51 PM GMT
    I would certainly wonder if you're really wanting to have a relationship if you were constantly bailing. If it's the activity, then suggest or organize something different. If it's the group, then try and arrange something with just a one-on-one. If it's anxiety or other issues, pick your best friend and go out for lunch and explain that to him/her. They're reaching out to YOU, supporting YOU so my guess is that they'd want to help you if they knew you were having some issues. Don't chase them away by your non-actions.
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    Mar 15, 2014 6:09 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]Thom1993 said[/cite]I the thought of it makes my stomach knot up and I feel like I've been punched literally.

    Bit dramatical
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    Mar 15, 2014 6:15 PM GMT
    Its nothing to do with my friends like I've been texting them etc and I've invited a few over in the week and we've had coffees and I've cooked etc. I even went out straight from work yesterday but if I'd gone home first I don't know if i would've gone.

    It's not the activity either because I won't go to the bar tonight, I've turned down invites for the cinema, clubs and going out to dinner. Every Saturday at about this time I close the curtains, turn the lights off, turn my phone off and I took the door bell batteries out weeks ago just in case anyone comes over to get me out.

    I'm going to try and my force myself next week though but thinking about leaving the house reminds me of that feeling after you've been punched hard in the stomach.
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    Mar 15, 2014 6:28 PM GMT
    Thom1993 saidIts nothing to do with my friends like I've been texting them etc and I've invited a few over in the week and we've had coffees and I've cooked etc. I even went out straight from work yesterday but if I'd gone home first I don't know if i would've gone.

    It's not the activity either because I won't go to the bar tonight, I've turned down invites for the cinema, clubs and going out to dinner. Every Saturday at about this time I close the curtains, turn the lights off, turn my phone off and I took the door bell batteries out weeks ago just in case anyone comes over to get me out.

    I'm going to try and my force myself next week though but thinking about leaving the house reminds me of that feeling after you've been punched hard in the stomach.


    Had a traumatic experience recently (a mugging, a fight, a death of a close person) that occurred especially on a Saturday?
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    Mar 15, 2014 6:36 PM GMT
    No nothing. If it had at least I'd get it but as it stands there's no logical reason.
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    Mar 15, 2014 6:45 PM GMT
    Thom1993 saidNo nothing. If it had at least I'd get it but as it stands there's no logical reason.


    I'll send you a message instead lol icon_biggrin.gif
  • jo2hotbod

    Posts: 3603

    Mar 15, 2014 6:53 PM GMT
    Kuestion saidThere comes a time in your life when going out every weekend becomes very monotonous and boring. As you grow older some of your interests and expectations about yourself will change, especially when what you expect of yourself is not congruent with what you actually are. There's nothing wrong in feeling that. Of course, this is just an assumption of your situation.


    Dude you are 26 and OP is twenty, you are not close to that point of feeling the monotony and boredom associated with having gone out a lot, nor are you "growing older" go live now is your time!
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    Mar 15, 2014 7:03 PM GMT
    jo2hotbod said
    Kuestion saidThere comes a time in your life when going out every weekend becomes very monotonous and boring. As you grow older some of your interests and expectations about yourself will change, especially when what you expect of yourself is not congruent with what you actually are. There's nothing wrong in feeling that. Of course, this is just an assumption of your situation.


    Dude you are 26 and OP is twenty, you are not close to that point of feeling the monotony and boredom, nor are you "growing older" go live now is your time!


    I need to be 'old' in order for my life to feel monotonous? I didn't live your life, I lived mine and I'm living it the way I want to. I enjoy my life the way I want to and I'm pretty happy with it. There is always going to be things you want to change in your life because things do get boring, that's how we grow as individuals and that's what makes us imperfect, human.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Mar 15, 2014 8:05 PM GMT
    Are you talking about going out in a group? Are your friends gay? Do they know you are? Do they care? Are these the same friends that you meet during the week? Is there someone in the Saturday crew that makes you nervous, that you are jealous of, that you want, that intimidates you? Are you, without admitting it to yourself, shrinking away from your friends because you are feeling inferior or overwhelmed in some way?

    There is a good chance that depression does indeed play a part in this. Try to stay active. Look for varied activities on Saturday with at least some of them being energetic. Rest and eat well and pamper yourself a bit so taht the weekend is special.

    If it keeps up, consider getting some help.
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    Mar 15, 2014 9:24 PM GMT
    LJay saidAre you talking about going out in a group? Are your friends gay? Do they know you are? Do they care? Are these the same friends that you meet during the week? Is there someone in the Saturday crew that makes you nervous, that you are jealous of, that you want, that intimidates you? Are you, without admitting it to yourself, shrinking away from your friends because you are feeling inferior or overwhelmed in some way?

    There is a good chance that depression does indeed play a part in this. Try to stay active. Look for varied activities on Saturday with at least some of them being energetic. Rest and eat well and pamper yourself a bit so taht the weekend is special.

    If it keeps up, consider getting some help.


    My friends aren't gay bar one but he's not really in my main group because he is my sisters bestie. My friends know I am gay in fact some of the friends I had since school knew way back then. I certainly have no problems with my friends. Sometimes if we're at a club as opposed to a bar I don't feel all that confident because you'll get groups of girls chatting up my guy mates and they don't even acknowledge I'm there like not even to say hello to. Obviously I'm not interested in them anyways but it does kinda suck but that's not my friends fault and it's not the reason I haven't gone out tonight because a club wasn't definitely on the cards.

    They're actually at my local pub although I imagine they've gone into town now but I had all the lights of and pretended I wasn't in when a few of the came over for me which I kinda feel guilty about. I'm going to text tomorrow and say I forgot but I'm turning my phone on tomorrow because I imagine I have some missed calls.

    I spoke to someone on RJ and it could be depression so I've decided next Saturday I'm going to host a gathering at my house so there's no way I can pull out of it. Well that's if they're not fed up me by then.
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    Mar 15, 2014 9:25 PM GMT
    Is it possible you have a social phobia?
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    Mar 15, 2014 9:47 PM GMT
    I was out last yesterday with my friends all evening and some of the night so I don't know if i can be socially phobic about one day of the week. I think I'm over thinking it anyways.
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    Mar 15, 2014 9:51 PM GMT
    Thom1993 saidI was out last yesterday with my friends all evening and some of the night so I don't know if i can be socially phobic about one day of the week. I think I'm over thinking it anyways.


    You can't be socially phobic or agorophobic for specifically one day of the week. Phobias don't work like that. And yes, right now, I think you are over thinking it. icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 15, 2014 10:27 PM GMT
    At any rate, I hope you're at least letting them know you can't make it. I've had to cut people out of my life who continuously flaked on me. It shows you don't consider their time as being valuable to them.
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    Mar 15, 2014 10:58 PM GMT
    Thom1993 saidI was out last yesterday with my friends all evening and some of the night so I don't know if i can be socially phobic about one day of the week. I think I'm over thinking it anyways.

    It just sounds to me like you've had it with certain types of encounters and you associate them with the Saturday night going-out ritual. It's no big deal. Go out on Fridays and spend Saturday nights watching a good movie with a friend or your boyfriend.
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    Mar 15, 2014 10:59 PM GMT
    I haven't been letting them know. I've been determined to go so I don't plan on cancelling and then an hours or so before we're scheduled to meet I panic so I just turn the lights off and my phone etc and wait until it's too late to go. I turn the lights back on when I know they're scheduled to be in town getting on with their night. I turn on my phone the next day and I always apologise so fingers crossed they don't get too annoyed with me.
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    Mar 15, 2014 11:25 PM GMT
    Thom1993 saidI haven't been letting them know. I've been determined to go so I don't plan on cancelling and then an hours or so before we're scheduled to meet I panic so I just turn the lights off and my phone etc and wait until it's too late to go. I turn the lights back on when I know they're scheduled to be in town getting on with their night. I turn on my phone the next day and I always apologise so fingers crossed they don't get too annoyed with me.


    Wow. That's just horrible. Honestly, you don't deserve friends.
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    Mar 16, 2014 12:18 AM GMT
    It is horrible but usually they don't come over because the meeting place is usually no where near my house and i'm rectifying it by having everyone come to my place for a party. That way even if I panic or start to feel sick I have no choice but to face it head on.
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    Mar 16, 2014 12:31 AM GMT
    Thom1993 saidIt is horrible but usually they don't come over because the meeting place is usually no where near my house and i'm rectifying it by having everyone come to my place for a party. That way even if I panic or start to feel sick I have no choice but to face it head on.


    When you say "panic", what exactly does it feel like?
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    Mar 16, 2014 12:50 AM GMT
    I start off feeling like my stomachs in knots and every time I think about going out or seeing people specifically I literally feel like I've been hit in the stomach. When it gets closer to the time we are meant to meet I start panicking or to put it another way my mind starts racing, I feel hot, I can't focus on one thought and I feel out of sorts. More recently like today I've been getting headaches and a feeling like something bad will happen if I leave to go out but I don't know if that's just a way to justify it in my own head icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Mar 16, 2014 1:02 AM GMT
    From the DSM-5

    Note: Symptoms are presented for the purpose of identifying a panic attack; however, panic attack is not a mental disorder and cannot be coded. Panic attacks can occur in the context of any anxiety disorder as well as other mental disorders (e.g., depressive disorders,posttraumatic stress disorder, substance use disorders) and some medical conditions (e.g., cardiac, respiratory, vestibular, gastrointestinal).

    When the presence of a panic attack is identified, it should be noted as a specifier (e.g., “posttraumatic stress disorder with panic attacks”). For panic disorder, the presence of panic attack is contained within the criteria for the disorder and panic attack (panic attack and panic disoreder are different) is not used as a specifier.

    An abrupt surge of intense fear or intense discomfort that reaches a peak within minutes, and during which time four (or more) of the following symptoms occur:

    Note: The abrupt surge can occur from a calm state or an anxious state.
    1. Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate.
    2. Sweating.
    3. Trembling or shaking.
    4. Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering.
    5. Feelings of choking.
    6. Chest pain or discomfort.
    7. Nausea or abdominal distress.
    8. Feeling dizzy, unsteady, light-headed, or faint.
    9. Chilis or heat sensations.
    10. Paresthesias (numbness or tingling sensations).
    11. Derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself).
    12. Fear of losing control or “going crazy.”

    Does this help?