Is it so wrong to ask about HIV status after the fact?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 17, 2014 6:45 PM GMT
    So..last week I hooked up with a dude here in the city. It's easy to get laid here as there are tons of horny men all over. Normally I play safe..in fact 99.999% of the time..this particular time I didn't. I don't know what got in to me. I topped and we went at it. I shot a full load in. He sucked me to clean off and we continued to play and I topped again and came yet again in his arse and he sucked me off to clean off.

    It was hot. I regret my decision for not asking prior and accept full responsibility for it. I however, shot him a text today and he got really irate.

    Am I in the wrong? I don't know. I feel like an ass right now, but part of me feels justified for wanting to know. I know a few guys who have HIV and have never been responded to in such a way. I'm a bit bewildered to be quite honest and bothered by it all.

    Here's the convo today:

    His responses are bolded.

    You're poz?
    Could you just tell me your results? viral load? It was a mutual decision and I accept that but I need to address it. Thanks.

    Undetectable

    You're on meds?
    Thanks for getting back.

    Yes. Why?

    I just want to be informed. It's too late for me to start prep but I just gotta wait I guess.

    No need to worry. I'm healthy and you topped.

    The risk is still there :/


    Not really.

    Educate.


    Lol I am dude. No need to be insensitive about it. Thanks anyway.

    I topped raw my whole life and a year ago bottomed for my bf at the time and BAM got HIV. Your risk is really nothing and I'm not being insensitive just realistic.

    I respect your honesty but I'm not going to get in to it over text or phone. Trust me the risk is there. Albeit minuscule but a virus is a virus. Sadly I work in a related field, but in the heat of the moment sometimes we make poor choices. This time it was mine.

    It may be nothing but I really need to use the other head first.

    I'm sorry to hear thats how it worked for you. Shitty when you least expect it...especially from a bf

    I really don't like to talk about it. I just take care of myself and stay undetectable and my doctor told me I cannot transmit it if I stay this way. ..that the chance was one chance in a million.

    I'm sorry for asking you to discuss it and appreciate you for doing so. I don't want to sound judgy but your dr lied. The risk is still there...just less likely.

    Ok. Well take care.
    And next time ask before.


    Thanks. Lol I know. I have a feeling you're not really a jerk but you sure come off as one in text.

    I'm a bit annoyed. It's bad enough having HIV but then waking up to this sucks.

    There's 2 sides of a coin. I accept responsibility for not asking but maybe you should consider being more forthcoming and disclose fully. I would have never found out and you would have never told me. I don't have HIV and I can't empathize but am sorry either way.

    However, I am mature enough to accept my actions and will proceed accordingly. Sorry if this offends you or even "annoy"s you.

    Ok. Let me just tattoo it to my forehead or maybe they should just put us all in camps. Besides I always asked and look where I'm at. It's YOUR responsibility not anyone else's. Please lose my number. This is so uncool.

    It's a MUTUAL RESPONSIBILITY.

    Grow up man. Trust me I will. You're getting offended but it's terrible because all I wanted was to know. Sorry for asking!

    I may need a tattoo and will join at your camp. You make no sense. Good bye.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Mar 19, 2014 8:57 PM GMT
    You could have accepted that you got the answer that yes he was POZ. That is all you need to know. No need to get into his personal details, that obviously were not important enough to ask before you drilled him deep 2x.
    Also, since you were the TOP, you might have started out by putting his worries at ease by informing him of your status.

    You are probably fine and I hope you are.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2014 7:01 AM GMT
    Troll is obviously a troll, no one is THAT stupid icon_rolleyes.gif

    But just in case... dude do you really think "asking" other men statuses is going to get you anywhere?! As if they couldn't lie, or simple not know their own statuses. ALWAYS use protection, no matter what, dont be another gay poz static.
  • DBomb129

    Posts: 144

    Mar 20, 2014 10:56 PM GMT
    Things seemed fine til you called him a jerk
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 22, 2014 5:19 PM GMT
    Assuming this is not a troll thread, this is my opinion:

    You've already accepted responsibility for not asking beforehand, so I won't berate you for that. We all make mistakes. The ultimate responsibility for your health is of course yours, however....the guy was a complete asshole for not informing you of his status. Depending on where you live, it's a felony to engage in sexual relations without first informing your partner of your status. So the politically correct can put all the blame on you all they want, but you're not the one who committed the crime here.
  • SuntoryTime

    Posts: 656

    Mar 22, 2014 10:44 PM GMT
    Scruffypup saidAssuming this is not a troll thread, this is my opinion:

    You've already accepted responsibility for not asking beforehand, so I won't berate you for that. We all make mistakes. The ultimate responsibility for your health is of course yours, however....the guy was a complete asshole for not informing you of his status. Depending on where you live, it's a felony to engage in sexual relations without first informing your partner of your status. So the politically correct can put all the blame on you all they want, but you're not the one who committed the crime here.


    http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Political_correctness

    http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Politically_incorrect
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 22, 2014 10:57 PM GMT
    A top has a fairly low risk. At the same time, a guy saying he's undetectable and therefore not a risk is a false statement, for several reasons:

    - It's HIS word that he's undetectable. Seen his lab tests yourself?
    - Viral loads are constantly in flux. When was the last time he was tested for viral load - 2 hours before?
    - Undetectable does NOT mean non-contagious. It means LESS contagious, but STILL contagious. Never buy that BS.

    It's only wrong to ask about HIV status after the fact in the sense that you should have asked BEFORE the fact.

    And even then you only have his word for it. Even if he shows you a negative HIV test taken THAT SAME DAY, all it's saying is that he was negative about 3 months ago. It says NOTHING about what he is TODAY.

    Therefore assume EVERY man is HIV positive. Because they may not know it themselves, or be telling you the truth. That's the definition of safe sex.
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Mar 23, 2014 4:59 AM GMT
    What is the purpose of this post?

    We can only control our own behavior - no one else's. Those of us on the planet long enough have learned that over time. This translates to your own choices around using protection, taking Prep, having faith in a conversation, choosing to engage in less risky behaviors, or staying abstinent all together.

    While it would be great if each one of us divulged every piece of information about our lives and how it might impact each other before having sex, I have come to believe that to be impractical.

    Even with the best intentions, things happen. If you are worried you have something - go find out. If you think you are on the planet to teach others a life lesson, you're in for a hard life my friend.

    Hope everything turns out to be fine (I would be surprised if it wasn't). If it is not, there are plenty of us on the planet ready to be supportive.

    - David icon_wink.gif