Help, I think this guy has dating potential but I don't want to ruin things!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2014 3:46 AM GMT
    Can somebody help me in this situation? I haven't even seen the guy in a while yet, but I'd really like to date him instead of (or even after) just hooking up with him. I'm just scared a hookup might kill things early.


    Last year, I met this guy who was my TA and then graduated from my school. I kinda had a crush on him when he was in my class, but I though he was straight. Well, turns out I saw him on Tinder and then we matched! He basically gave me a strong compliment and said we should meet up this week since he still visits the school sometimes.

    The thing is that after being single for a while, I'm starting to feel like having a relationship again. To me, "meet up" is usually code for hooking up (who knows what he meant), but how do I lean him more towards dating when he visits? I wouldn't mind just hooking up with him if he's into it (he's hot), but I've noticed that hooking up with someone usually kills any future dating potential, since you've already had a "feel" (literally icon_twisted.gif ) for the person.

    My also-gay roommate (who knows him personally) told me he doesn't seem like the type of guy to just hook up and stop talking, which makes him sound very promising. I also know he's sweet and probably has similar values as me, since I go to a small hippie-ish school (ha). However, I feel like with the instant gratification of dating apps and the feeling of "next best thing" they give, he could find somebody who lives sooner to him really fast, since he's so handsome...He's 60 miles away and probably busy as hell since he joined the Marines, which also leaves me wondering if dating someone might even be on his mind right now.

    What I have in mind is having him visit, and we can go somewhere outside my apartment (to have the setting not be that of just fucking), or if he visits later and we meet up at a party, we can make out and then see each other later or something. It's just that in college, it's so hard to make out with somebody and have it not lead somewhere sexual is almost like showing flakiness or rejecting the person.

    I appreciate suggestions from past experiences, etc.
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    Mar 18, 2014 4:28 AM GMT
    I had a fling with my TA...Its a long complicated story so instead a word of advice.

    You should absolutely go out somewhere other than your campus dorm room. It is hard when you're physically attracted to someone, not being able to resist the shagging. Believe me I've failed at it so many times. So don't kick yourself too hard if you do fall into bed with him. If he's just feigning interest for you, then move on. It'll suck because you saw potential and he didn't but just take it as an experience.

    And you're in University, so experience everything!

    Hope my views helped you somewhat
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    Mar 18, 2014 4:34 AM GMT
    Fivealive saidI had a fling with my TA...Its a long complicated story so instead a word of advice.

    You should absolutely go out somewhere other than your campus dorm room. It is hard when you're physically attracted to someone, not being able to resist the shagging. Believe me I've failed at it so many times. So don't kick yourself too hard if you do fall into bed with him. If he's just feigning interest for you, then move on. It'll suck because you saw potential and he didn't but just take it as an experience.

    And you're in University, so experience everything!

    Hope my views helped you somewhat


    Yeah, I'm hoping it doesn't just lead to hooking up right away, so I'll def keep it outside of the apartment. That's another thing with college and how if we were to hang out at a house with friends, the bedroom being available might send a hookup signal lol.
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    Mar 18, 2014 8:28 AM GMT
    I'd also like to echo the "don't hang out in your dorm room" advice.

    Why dont you ask him what he wants to do - and suggest going out on the town somewhere? Dinner, a movie, a bar (assuming you're old enough to drink), etc. Instead of just keeping it at "Lets meet up" - try to figure out what he wants to do or even express what you'd like to do. If he tells you something to the extent of "Well, I'll only be free for about an hour or so..." - you know what he's trying to poke at (or in).

    If he joined the marines and lives 60 miles away, the odds might be against you. However, my motto is always is that it never hurts to try. The hottest/sweatest guy I've ever dated was a fling that I knew was likely going to end with the summer, when he'd be going away for college. I don't have any regrets and I really enjoyed our time together - and who knows. Maybe someday in the future when we're settled, we'll rekindle our flame... I could dream, can't I? =O
  • Amira

    Posts: 327

    Mar 18, 2014 1:43 PM GMT
    You're slightly over-thinking it. Usually when someone offers to meet up, they are open to suggestions. So you could have easily suggested something simple such as going for coffee or lunch.

    I think you shouldn't be worried about whether he's looking to date due to him being in the Marines. As Rolfron said, you can at least try. I mean it's totally normal to over-think these types of situations when you have interest for someone but you aren't exactly sure where their head is at. You'll know once you guys hang out. icon_smile.gif

  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Mar 18, 2014 2:17 PM GMT
    Respectfully, I challenge your premise that hooking up kills any chance at a future relationship.

    Since I began dating guys 7 years ago, I've been in a relationship about 50% of the time and had 4 boyfriends. 3 of those started out as a hookup, that changed to "hey that was hot, let's do it again," which changed to "you're actually really intelligent and funny, let's team up," and the rest is history. All but 1 breakup was because I moved, so nothing was dysfunctional or fundamentally wrong with the relationship, and we still text and chat on holidays and birthdays.

    From my experience, guys are very interested in sex, and when you unnaturally take the sexual dynamic out of the question by having two guys sit in a coffee house, it's awkward and feels forced, because it is awkward and it is forced. It's just conforming to some hetero-normative worldview that is antiquated and lacking in fun. Go have safe fun, and see if it blossoms into more. And don't force it, guys HATE to feel like they're being railroaded into a relationship.

    The above is just my opinion formed after many meaningful relationships, and after many awkward, neutered, sexless dates. If you quash that initial spark, it's alot harder to ignite that fire, than it is parlaying a hookup into a fuck bud, into a relationship. Don't fight what's natural. Guide it, don't try to stop it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2014 11:46 PM GMT
    Svnw688 saidRespectfully, I challenge your premise that hooking up kills any chance at a future relationship.

    Since I began dating guys 7 years ago, I've been in a relationship about 50% of the time and had 4 boyfriends. 3 of those started out as a hookup, that changed to "hey that was hot, let's do it again," which changed to "you're actually really intelligent and funny, let's team up," and the rest is history. All but 1 breakup was because I moved, so nothing was dysfunctional or fundamentally wrong with the relationship, and we still text and chat on holidays and birthdays.

    From my experience, guys are very interested in sex, and when you unnaturally take the sexual dynamic out of the question by having two guys sit in a coffee house, it's awkward and feels forced, because it is awkward and it is forced. It's just conforming to some hetero-normative worldview that is antiquated and lacking in fun. Go have safe fun, and see if it blossoms into more. And don't force it, guys HATE to feel like they're being railroaded into a relationship.

    The above is just my opinion formed after many meaningful relationships, and after many awkward, neutered, sexless dates. If you quash that initial spark, it's alot harder to ignite that fire, than it is parlaying a hookup into a fuck bud, into a relationship. Don't fight what's natural. Guide it, don't try to stop it.


    Oh, I don't have anything against hooking up first from a moral point of view. The only reason why I'm thinking about it is because yes, it might be hot to hook up and let things flow, but I know exactly that if I let them go that way, they will go that way! But then what happens? I think half of me just wants to play this game so as to mentally set myself as somebody who likes him but he has to work for, and don't guys like that kinda challenge sometimes?

    I'm studying Psychology (and Bio) in case you haven't guessed lol.