Why is monogamy so strange among gays?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2014 8:05 PM GMT
    I've been noticing that for a long time now, lots of gays cheat or have open relationships or simply take "lighter" kind of commitments, like doing certain stuff is permitted even if you're in a relationship with someone.

    What are your views on this? Are you like that? Do you consider jerking off with someone else on cam cheating?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2014 8:07 PM GMT
    I'm monogamous
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2014 8:18 PM GMT
    MisfitToy saidAlso I don't think this is a problem strictly among gay people. Straight people cheat ( however you want to define it all the time

    Im not saying straight people don't cheat, what I'm saying is the moral rules seem to be clearly different. And some call that "straight normative" or something, trying to cover up using that excuse. Like being monogamous is exclusive for straights.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Mar 19, 2014 8:23 PM GMT
    Is this Uruguay talking? Youth? Is your sample RJ men? In the US, a lot of gay men are in monogamous relationships. About 2/3 of the gay men I know are in monogamous relationships without cheating. But i don't personally know any more than a handful of gay men under 30. The percentage definitely increases as the group under study gets older.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Mar 19, 2014 8:25 PM GMT
    I've been thinking recently that there are different kinds of gay men. Like Eskimos have different words for different kinds of snow, we need new words to describe the different 'flavors' of "gay".

    So far we've got certain "preference" types such as tops, bottoms, bears, twinks, otters, and whatever…

    But one thing we need is a word that differentiates differing attitudes toward sex and relationships.

    SOME gay men *only* (or predominantly) want sexual experiences and aren't looking for any kind of relationship. FUCK they may not even want to know your name, much less talk with you.

    Then there are other gay men who *are* more interested in finding someone to at least be friends with if not partner up with. They have a different attitude toward sex than the former; for them it is about intimacy, not just getting off.

    Now, obviously, there can be overlap. But as much as there can be, there can also be total separation, too. Some of each are not interested in the other at all.

    See what I'm saying?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2014 8:31 PM GMT
    you know what I noticed. It's the older men who are into poly/open relationships. I'm not saying all older guys are like this but I've seen so many rampant older men on here who are dead set on monogamy as being overrated.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2014 8:40 PM GMT
    Why would anyone want to be anything other than monogamous icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2014 8:55 PM GMT
    Dennis1989 saidWhy would anyone want to be anything other than monogamous icon_neutral.gif

    I don't know. I CAN'T be promiscuous, not when I have a steady guy, a BF or a partner.

    I just lose interest in other guys. I've got one, why risk that by messing with another? My eyes simply stop wandering on their own.

    Yet I know a different mechanism is at work with other guys. I don't understand it, but I see it. I suppose if you want monogamy, wait for the guy who just wants one lover at a time. They do exist. And dump the guys who want to time-share you with others.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2014 9:06 PM GMT
    David3000 saidI've been noticing that for a long time now, lots of gays cheat or have open relationships or simply take "lighter" kind of commitments, like doing certain stuff is permitted even if you're in a relationship with someone.

    What are your views on this? Are you like that? Do you consider jerking off with someone else on cam cheating?


    A question of which I'll answer but much much later. As you deleted your account before, don't do it this time around and make sure to be around at the end of the year. For now, why don't you fully explain your views on monogamy, even if you might be repeating yourself from other threads.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2014 9:14 PM GMT
    MisfitToy said
    Dennis1989 saidWhy would anyone want to be anything other than monogamous icon_neutral.gif


    Because different kinds if relationships work for different people


    Wow MisfitToy I agree with you icon_smile.gif

    I don't think monogamy is lacking (gay men are more open about it), but respect is. Just take down Edwards photos (I'm not even a fan of his).

    From Fox News Magazine:
    "About 70 percent of married men admitted to cheating on their wives! Another study found that 2/3 of women are not aware of their husband's affair. I can relate to that — It took a long time until I found out myself — when I decided to check his phone.

    What about the women? Most statistics found that about 50 to 60 percent of women admitted to having an affair. This one really shocked me. Are there really millions of cheating women in the states? I never even imagined these statistics..."

    I don't like Fox, but here's the link:
    http://magazine.foxnews.com/love/cheating-statistics-do-men-cheat-more-women
  • SuntoryTime

    Posts: 656

    Mar 19, 2014 9:39 PM GMT
    Unnamed5 said
    David3000 saidI've been noticing that for a long time now, lots of gays cheat or have open relationships or simply take "lighter" kind of commitments, like doing certain stuff is permitted even if you're in a relationship with someone.

    What are your views on this? Are you like that? Do you consider jerking off with someone else on cam cheating?


    A question of which I'll answer but much much later. As you deleted your account before, don't do it this time around and make sure to be around at the end of the year. For now, why don't you fully explain your views on monogamy, even if you might be repeating yourself from other threads.


    Sherlock Frustrated
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2014 10:02 PM GMT
    Since this topic has been hashed and rehashed many times, I'll say it again:

    It seems that there's a difference in opinion on this subject based on age. Not that older guys are NOT monogamous but it seems many are more understanding as to why some guys might want to entertain this type of relationship with their partners. Younger guys that have not had extensively long term relationships tend to prefer a strictly monogamous approach. I suspect that many feel this is the 'best' way because it's the way our society has termed as the 'norm' but the largest group. I suspect most of it has roots in religion.

    It always amazes me that guys are willing to emphatically favor the same approach that the str8 community embraces despite the continued failure of this approach (IE: high divorce/cheating rate).

    In my opinion, everyone strives for the perfect single person that can fulfill their emotional, physical and perhaps even spiritual needs. That would be the optimum relationship for all of us. Unfortunately, this doesn't always happen. When the physical needs become disconnected but the emotional needs remain strong, some couples look elsewhere for that physical pleasure. Guys tend to require more physical attention than women (who seem more emotional) so it makes sense that they would seek some 'middle ground' for meeting those needs rather than settling for abstinence in the relationship. Sex and love are two different components of a relationship. Sure, nothing better than a loving relationship AND hot sex with that person but when the sex fades, as long as the loving relationship exists emotionally, some chose to open up the relationship, defining the boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not, and find the needed fulfillment elsewhere.

    Not for everyone. Not everyone's choice. Need a good balanced emotional relationship. Needs to be agreed to by both consenting partners. Shouldn't be frowned upon by others outside the relationship since it's a personal choice for just the two parties involved. My opinion.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Mar 19, 2014 10:18 PM GMT
    Monogamy is un-natural among men, in general.
    We are programmed to "spread our seed," in order to preserve our species, so most of us seek a variety of sex partners.
    Gay men have more sex partners than do straight men because it's easier for gay men to hook up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2014 10:25 PM GMT
    Unnamed5 said
    David3000 saidI've been noticing that for a long time now, lots of gays cheat or have open relationships or simply take "lighter" kind of commitments, like doing certain stuff is permitted even if you're in a relationship with someone.

    What are your views on this? Are you like that? Do you consider jerking off with someone else on cam cheating?


    A question of which I'll answer but much much later. As you deleted your account before, don't do it this time around and make sure to be around at the end of the year. For now, why don't you fully explain your views on monogamy, even if you might be repeating yourself from other threads.

    Why, what happens at the end of the year? And my views are simple, monogamy is what makes the difference between a random fuck and the one you love, is showing respect for the other person and yourself, its about commitment and knowing your partner is giving him/herself to you only.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2014 10:57 PM GMT
    I would definitely prefer a long term relationship. I would want to know one person, share my experiences and thoughts with one person. Monogamy is strange because gay marriage is rare. There is no example to look up to.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2014 11:57 PM GMT
    I've heard some that believe it's a straight trait that gays should not try to emulate.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 20, 2014 12:00 AM GMT
    James_Thunder_Early saidI've heard some that believe it's a straight trait that gays should not try to emulate.

    Yeah and in my opinion that's plain BS. If you want to fuck around and be a whore go and do it, but don't use the "straight normative" bullshit as your excuse. They act like "all things straight do are bad, so we must do the opposite" like it made some sense. This attitude only help the stereotype that gays are cheap promiscuous whores.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 20, 2014 12:06 AM GMT
    YourName2000 saidMonogamy is hardly unique in gay relationships. And "open relationships" are a lot more common among heteros than I think many people know.

    All my relationships have been monogamous. It's just the way my libido works. That said, if my guy was traveling without me and wanted to get his rocks off (safe sex-wise), I really wouldn't care that much.

    Well thats the point, how come you dont care??? I mean im not judging, just asking because I really dont get it. You partner is getting sticky sharing fluids with some random travel hook up to come bak to you later and you just "dont mind that much", that I tell you is not being monogamous.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 20, 2014 12:07 AM GMT
    I think you have to look back at the more recent history (like last 200 years) of the western to world to the roots of gay promiscuity. Gays had to hide and live dual lives, occasionally hooking up with a another gay man and having sex quickly and mostly likely not seeing him again. It was dangerous and didn't lead to last bonds.

    That clandestine nature became the norm and as gays became (and become) more excepted, gays were more out but still took those kinds of sexual encounters to be "the way it is." As men came out and encountered others, they learned that and adopted it.

    I think for many, it also became a reaction to being rejected by family and friends. "I'm not going to me like you, I'll do this instead..." The idea of 'heteronormative' is a term for that, in my opinion. It implies that there is a 'homonormative'.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 20, 2014 12:07 AM GMT
    David3000 saidI've been noticing that for a long time now, lots of gays cheat or have open relationships or simply take "lighter" kind of commitments, like doing certain stuff is permitted even if you're in a relationship with someone.

    What are your views on this? Are you like that? Do you consider jerking off with someone else on cam cheating?
    f

    and you base this on what? have you look at the studies of st8 relationships and the percentage of those who are open or have cheated?

    Relationships are relationships rathe your st8 or gay it is pretty much the same thing. Two people choosing how they will live there life.

    I have no problem with how people choose to live their relationships, my husband and I have had closed, out and somewhere in between. As of jerking off on chat, sauna, neither of us consider that cheating.

    Also why is the focus on just sex...why not focus on the emotional commitment which is far more important for me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 20, 2014 12:09 AM GMT
    DTOBIN2013 said
    David3000 saidI've been noticing that for a long time now, lots of gays cheat or have open relationships or simply take "lighter" kind of commitments, like doing certain stuff is permitted even if you're in a relationship with someone.

    What are your views on this? Are you like that? Do you consider jerking off with someone else on cam cheating?
    f

    and you base this on what? have you look at the studies of st8 relationships and the percentage of those who are open or have cheated?

    Relationships are relationships rathe your st8 or gay it is pretty much the same thing. Two people choosing how they will live there life.

    I have no problem with how people choose to live their relationships, my husband and I have had closed, out and somewhere in between. As of jerking off on chat, sauna, neither of us consider that cheating.

    Also why is the focus on just sex...why not focus on the emotional commitment which is far more important for me.

    My point icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 20, 2014 1:00 AM GMT
    i am monogamous; 99% angle.
    not difficult to do
    i have a plan and can share it.

    most of the days my husband meets my needs and its a great feeling when its working. makes you able to wait discard those days its not.

    marriage is legal in some states. its a new gay option if you want it.




    false
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 20, 2014 1:04 AM GMT
    Why is it that so many of us in long term monogamous relationships are completely ignored in this: "All I see, all I notice"?
    So Dave you going to stay true, should your man no longer desire sex?
    For how long?
    What if your man finds masturbation a form of cheating?
    Try wrapping your mind around the fact that a man can talk like an adult with his partner about his needs and want's--some can't; most straight men could never tell there wife what they really want. That's the mother of their children, for god sake.
    What is the guy with no sex drive to do?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 20, 2014 2:14 AM GMT
    LionEyes said
    Webster666 saidMonogamy is un-natural among men, in general.
    We are programmed to "spread our seed," in order to preserve our species, so most of us seek a variety of sex partners.
    Gay men have more sex partners than do straight men because it's easier for gay men to hook up.


    Unfortunately this is true, however as human beings we choose (mind and/or heart) to be monogamous. Although you see more and more couples engaging in open relationships, I believe, that's lack of commitment. Of course is easy to be in an open relationship and sleep around with whom you please but it requires dedication to stick with one person.

    The choice to be monogamous has nothing to do with being human as much as it does with religion. For some it might be because of a lack of commitment however for others it looking outside the box that str8 couples have defined for us as the 'norm'.

    You and others continue to stereotype open relationships as guys who just sleep around with anyone. I'm not sure why guys think that open relationship are only about hookups with unknown or random guys. It tends to just further the stereotype. Divorce rates between monogamous couples is at the highest ever so how can anyone claim that an open relationship is so terrible is beyond me.

    Oh and before you bash me, I'm not in an open relationship!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 20, 2014 3:48 AM GMT
    Webster666 saidMonogamy is un-natural among men, in general.
    We are programmed to "spread our seed," in order to preserve our species, so most of us seek a variety of sex partners.
    Gay men have more sex partners than do straight men because it's easier for gay men to hook up.


    Non-Christian ancient societies were better at seeing the desire for sex as irrational impulses, whether caused by gods or simply as an imperfection of being born to a physical body, than something as understandable as this generally unsupported idea that comes from evolutionary psychology. While 99% of evolutionary psychologists would agree with this idea, understand it is a pseudoscience, and despite the plethora of tens of thousands of peer review articles affirming the idea, at the end of the day, the whole science and it's idea of human beings, is highly reductionistic and ad hoc, or in other words, everything is interpreted to fit a point of view along simple premises such as the idea that "we are programmed to spread our seed".