Extremely painful relationship issue.

  • bj87nyc

    Posts: 15

    Mar 21, 2014 2:31 AM GMT
    I am going through a really painful experience with someone that I like who apparently does not like me back. For context, I am 26 and white, average/slim build. He is a 23 year slim Chinese guy. We both now have good jobs in finance.

    I met him over the summer at a party in NYC, and, being someone who has never really had a relationship before, I quickly became enamored.. We exchanged numbers and he proceeded to text me and ask to meet up. Having really never done something like this before, the fact that he texted me back two days later and asked to meet up for dinner was shocking to me. When we went to dinner the waitress somehow thought/knew we were on a date and told us she would seat us at the most romantic table. He proceeded to pour my water (for the first time in my life I felt like I had met someone special). Following that dinner we hung out several additional times (movies, a broadway show, etc.) We became gym buddies and I even lost 20-25 lbs over the summer (I now weigh 130, 5'7) either in an effort to impress him or just because his presence encouraged me to push harder. Eventually I invited him to spend a week at the end of the summer at my apartment while he was finishing his internship (he was a Master's student in the midwest but spending the summer in NYC). I even gave him my keys (loved coming home from work and seeing him at my place).

    After we met up probably 10-15 times, I became totally attached to him, physically and emotionally. Then he told me via text in the context of another conversation that he was seeing someone else. I was totally heartbroken and literally crying. I started reaching out to everyone i could for comfort.. a gay guy I worked with who I had never even met before, my friends who didn't know I was gay.. and yes, even my parents.. I came out to them and told them I was gay and also in need of help. My parents took the news well but felt bad about my situation. To complicate it a little bit more, the guy is a super promiscuous 23-year-old Asian guy (I am 26 and white) with some sort of sex addition (e.g., constantly on grindr and jack'd, needs random hook ups every day). Despite all of this we were really good friends.. constantly texting each other and hanging out. I invited him to Mexico in January of this year for a trip with some of my family and friends. At the end of August, he went back to finish his last semester at school (he had a job offer in NYC and was planning to return in early 2014).

    We kept in regular contact throughout the semester and then he came back and we went to Mexico together. It was the worst trip of my life. Even though physically I looked better than I ever did before, I spent the entire week looking over his shoulder trying to make sure he wasn't going to go off and hook up with someone else. He is addicted to his cell phone (to an extreme degree.. every restaurant in Mexico.. first question was what is the wifi password.. even with my family at the table). Mind you, I am not an unattractive guy, but for whatever reason, he decided that "we are too good of friends" and that "hooking up would be weird" - and yes, I did ask the direct question several times. Turns out, I found out, that he did in fact hook up with some 19 year at our hotel.

    After the trip, he went home to China for two months and a week before he was supposed to come back to NY he started telling me about all of the guys he was going to see when he came back. He asked me to buy him an extra pair of special underwear for some other guy and told me that he was going to take someone else to one of my favorite restaurants on valentines day. I had had it and told him I didn't want to speak to him or see him at all when he came back. That lasted for two weeks, until he started missing my help, especially with finding an apartment and staying at my place, and got me on the phone to tell me how much he missed me. Then we made up, he told me he would treat me better and not be so inconsiderate. And that was it. In the interim I even changed jobs maybe subconsciously to be closer to him (my job is in the adjacent building).

    Now here we are a month later and he is off hooking up every 30 seconds, on grindr constantly, and despite that I slept over his place every day last week when he was sick and needed my help, he now can't see me until Sunday. He is posting stuff about stuff he is doing with other guys at night and it hurts so much. Tonight I came home from work and saw that he was on jack'd 0.01 miles away from my NYC apartment, even though he didn't mention he would be in the area (apparently meeting up with someone he met while he was staying at my place). He seems to have no standards (he is 23 and hooks up with a 50 year old with no problem). In addition, he held onto my keys

    This is so difficult for me and I am finding it impossible to function. I am talking about him constantly and cannot even cum without thinking of him at the last moment. I am not sure what I want from him other than to let me into a world he has for some reason blocked me out of. I feel like I would feel so much better if he just let me see and touch him one time to get it out of my system. The thing is we are really good friends but I am so tired of being the guy he turns to only when he is not horny.. and he is horny quite a bit. It is really affecting my self-esteem but at the same time I don't want to go back to being the guy I was before I met him. And I feel like our personalities (outside of sex) mesh very well.

    It's really painful. Any words of encouragement/advice would be appreciated.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2014 2:50 AM GMT
    He sounds as though he is an idiot but at least he served a purpose as in being part of the reason you came out but now you ought to bin him. Now that you are out you should enjoy yourself and maybe find someone decent.
  • bj87nyc

    Posts: 15

    Mar 21, 2014 2:59 AM GMT
    Haha! Thanks. He has since moved into his own place. But despite not living with me, I often feel like he treats me like his personal assistant. And I (maybe stupidly) do whatever he asks. His english is not all that great so he has me call every time he has a customer service issue.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2014 4:45 AM GMT
    He's toxic.

    It's easier said than done, but get rid of him. He's emotionally using you without any regard. Unless you want to keep an open relationship, which I am pretty sure you don't, kick him to the curb.

    And change your lock....
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Mar 21, 2014 5:10 AM GMT
    Yeah, you got it bad and Fivealive has it right. Toxic.

    So from what you've said, prior to this you haven't had a lot of experience in the dating game, is that right?

    I like to point out that what gay guys go through in their 20s (sometimes late 20s) is what most straight kids go through in their teens. Having crushes, going steady, falling in love (or so it seems at the time), breaking up, getting back together (or not), moving on and etc., including just fucking like bunnies.

    So, for you, this is all happening at about the level of a 16 year old. Please, don't misunderstand, I'm not meaning to trivialize what you're feeling. Just saying, had you gone through this at that age, you'd already be a lot wiser about how to deal with all this.

    But it is as it is and there simply is no way to go through it other than to go through it. That means you have to break it off and you have to go through the pain that comes with doing that. You have to do whatever it takes to begin thinking about something else, anything else, besides this guy. Concentrate on work. Take yourself on a vacation. Get out, get drunk, party like a madman, I don't know… whatever it takes.

    Every time you find yourself thinking about him you have to catch yourself doing it and tell yourself in no uncertain terms, "No, stop that!" and occupy your mind with something else. In the beginning it is almost impossible but slowly, little by little, it becomes easier until finally he isn't a part of you life any more. THEN you can begin to get your life back.

    In the mean time, you can hang out here, shot the shit with us crazy RJ people. Oggle hot profiles. Maybe make a friend or two. Who knows?

    ETA: Welcome to RJ and congratulations on your coming out.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2014 8:23 AM GMT
    He's got you right round his finger. Dump this guy and get the hell away.

    I can tell just from reading this post that you're a sensitive and decent person. You certainly don't need this idiot in your life.

    Even if he did like you in a sexual way, would you really want to sleep with him knowing about the many sexual encounters before? What's to say he's even clean?

    It'll be hard for a few weeks, but one day you'll look back and laugh at what you ever saw in this person.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2014 9:31 AM GMT
    First and foremost, I'm sorry that you're in this situation. I've been infatuated with people before that didn't feel the same way about me. In the reverse, I've had friends before that have "fallen" for me when I couldn't even imagine anything beyond a friendship with them, so I can envision both sides of the fence in this situation. Let's focus on your side on the fence, for now.

    You need to detach yourself from him - the sooner the better. You can't constantly keep up with what he's doing on Grindr/Jack'd or his posts on Facebook or however else you're tracking his activities. This is by far one of the most unhealthy behaviors given your position because it makes it very easy for his life to become your top priority at all times - and keeping up on him becomes something of an addiction. The more you remove yourself from cyber-tracking him, the easier it will be for you to focus on yourself and consume yourself in other thoughts and activities. Try deleting these apps or "taking a break" from Facebook (I've deleted mine to keep from concerning myself with everyone else's life, as well as to keep people out of my personal affairs... one of the most refreshing things I've ever done).

    Secondly, you need to follow the advice of MikeW... go out, party, drink, socialize, meet new people, etc. You need to create your own circle and live your life while you're young - especially now that you're feeling confident after making your strides in gym. Take this as an opportunity to 'reinvent' yourself and add to your own identity. If he is the only friend or life you know, you won't stop thinking about him - which sounds like it's been really exhausting. Take care of your own psychological/mental/emotional health; it is important.

    I can also put his 'side' in perspective. If he is actually from China, maybe he didn't always have the opportunity to, um, get out and meet guys to... you know. Now that he's completed a masters degree and has a "good job" in the Big Apple - that is crawling with horny gay men of all shapes, sizes, colors and ages, maybe he just wants time to whore around and enjoy his early 20s without being tied down to any one thing. He's a kid in the candy shop; you need to let him do his thing - as much as you want him for your own.

    He's articulated to you that he isn't into you "like that" and only wants a friendship; he hasn't wronged you by any principle. What you want is a mature, adult relationship and you aren't wrong in any way for wanting that - you're just wanting it with the wrong person, though it may seem and feel so right.

    If you can't seem to shake the idea that friendship is the line with this guy, you might be doing yourself a huge favor by taking an extended break from talking with him - otherwise this is only going to get worse and more painful by the second. Make sure he understands that you're not doing this to spite him, just the same way that he isn't doing all that he's doing to spite you. You guys are just on two completely different pages in terms of what you want.

    I really hope that helps and I really hope you get past this.
  • jasian

    Posts: 21

    Mar 22, 2014 12:33 AM GMT
    Get rid of him....

    He is just using your kindness or your emotional attachment to him. You need to be strong and be emotionally independent.

    I have no experience of this sort myself. But if I were in your shoes, I would sever the tie with him. I would not even meet him or respond to his messages. I know you would probably say it's hard, but you have to be strong. It seems you have more pain than happiness after knowing him. Not having him in your life is likely to make you happier. Do you think you can take care of him (or be his personal assistant) and be unhappy for the rest of your life? If it has to end some day in the future, why don't you do it now? Do you expect him to fall in love with you? Given what he is right now, do you think he will be loyal even if he goes back with you again? You should not put yourself in pain like this.

    Secondly, I would try to focus on myself. Make new friends, read a book, learn something new, go travel, etc. Distract yourself from him. Keep yourself busy. Maybe you will get some personal development from this experience.

    I hope you can get out of this mess soon. Best of luck.

  • jasian

    Posts: 21

    Mar 22, 2014 12:38 AM GMT
    Rolfron said

    I can also put his 'side' in perspective. If he is actually from China, maybe he didn't always have the opportunity to, um, get out and meet guys to... you know. Now that he's completed a masters degree and has a "good job" in the Big Apple - that is crawling with horny gay men of all shapes, sizes, colors and ages, maybe he just wants time to whore around and enjoy his early 20s without being tied down to any one thing. He's a kid in the candy shop; you need to let him do his thing - as much as you want him for your own.

    lol, guys in China hook up too. I tend to think he just likes hookups. Maybe he enjoys sex with different men.
  • bj87nyc

    Posts: 15

    Mar 22, 2014 2:49 AM GMT
    Thank you all for your very helpful comments and insights. I am going to think it all over.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 22, 2014 12:14 PM GMT
    Wow, long ass post and I actually read through all of it. You're STRUNG out on him. First of all, You need to realize that it's not healthy for you to be hooked on him like this. Take a step back and relax, go out and date, meet other guys (there are sane, nice Asian dudes out there unlike this kid). Well, he's 23, he's having his *Whore phase, he's not going to commit to you. If you want a boyfriend or a serious thing, stay away from him and just don't answer his call, text. Ignore him.

    Make yourself less available, take the key back and distance yourself from him. You're hurting right now because you expect him to be your bf, do the right thing or whatever. He knows that you're always going to be there. He's not going to change anytime soon.

    Your post reminded me of the 2 Asian guys I dated in LA back in 2006. One Chinese and One Filipino. The Chinese guy always called me when he needed something and wanted to be *close friend. The Filipino guy texted me at 3 am asking for a booty call and wanted me to be out around 10 am since he's very Catholic and didn't want to come out to his family. I kept in touch with neither because I knew deep down I deserve better than that and so do you.
  • Amira

    Posts: 327

    Mar 22, 2014 12:49 PM GMT
    You deserve so much better than this guy who is purposely entertained at having you around his finger.

    I can understand how it could be difficult to let him go since you never had a relationship and you felt at first that you met someone special.. but just imagine how it will feel when you meet someone whether a friend or partner who will treat you mutually with the respect and kindness that you give them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 22, 2014 1:24 PM GMT
    I've been in the OPs situation a number of times. Being insecure about my desirability to other guys, and being rather handy at a number of practical things, I try to make myself a valuable asset, if not indispensable with my assistance. I confess I use gratitude & dependency as tactics, at least to get a relationship going.

    Problem is, it may work for a time, gets my foot in the door, but eventually some guys begin to treat me like a subordinate personal assistant. Because after all, if he wouldn't have loved me if I couldn't fix his car, why would he change his mind if I do fix it? Do you routinely fall in love your local car mechanic? Which is what this sounds like with the OP.

    Maintaining the proper balance in a relationship is difficult to describe. Plus some guys are by nature takers, not givers or sharers, no matter what you do. You don't want them in any case, and that may be the situation here.

    I think this relationship has run its course, at least on the intimate level. The OP is viewed simply as a resource, no longer as a lover. He should act accordingly.