owl_bundy saidclinical depression is a fucking bitch. can do whatever but it always seeps into my life someway, somehow. even now, my body is aching me like a bitch where there's aches and pains like i'm coming down with the flu or something. then again, i also have anemia too. then dealing with people where they don't get it like my mom for example right now. that's the worst part of it. not being right in the head and people basically not getting it. i'm trying to manage my fucking self, it's really difficult to and then folks around me that seem to not know about that shit or could care less where they're like "so....". i try to be patient with them where it's like let me just leave it alone or try not to fucking snap on them but it's hard as hell not too. so i end up holding it all in where it's like i'm a powder keg or become passive aggressive. don't mean to at all BUT with some much shit, i can't take it. it's like being tortured because there's no way to take this fucking shit out. the anger, the frustration, the sadness, or whatever. don't feel comfortable talking to anybody about this shit because whatever folks say, they really don't offer any solutions. medication doesn't do shit. talking to people and constantly being told "it gets better" doesn't do shit. working out doesn't do shit either. writing it out doesn't do shit. shit is just fucking there.
Hey Owl, sorry to hear that you're going through all this crap. I won't say "it get's better" because that's not what you want to hear and if I heard that one more time when I was in your shoes, I would've king hit the person. What I will say is that I get you buddy. I was where you are now. Absolutely nothing was right in my life. "Everything is fucked up" was a very common phrase. The only thing that made sense to me was to end it all and I planned everything, from letters to people, to purchasing all the items needed, even a tarp so I wouldn't leave a mess. I felt so calm knowing I had made a decision. On the day I woke and thought "this is it, finally". Long story short, I didn't try to end my life that day. I did get help. I spoke to someone and I'm not going to say everything is fantastic and I feel great... blah blah. I started taking it half day by half day, then day by day etc.
So, there IS something deep down that is bothering you. You might not even know what it is. Please find a social worker or someone in the field that you can talk to. At first you'll still think what a waste of time, but trust me, you will come to realize you're not alone, there are a lot of us out there, time bombs ticking away, but it doesn't have to be like that.