Are some people just not cut out for being gay?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2014 3:21 AM GMT
    It's kinda brutal sometimes!

    The relationship dynamics are totally different and the life/relationship/sex education is not as readily available.

    It's harder for family and friends to offer solid advice because often they're using their experiences from heterosexual relationships etc.

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  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Mar 25, 2014 3:24 AM GMT
    Your post is accurate. Don't know about the question posed as the Topic Title… How does the inherent difficulty of being gay fit with the question?
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Mar 25, 2014 3:42 AM GMT
    Maybe it's just me, but I don't see why the dynamics have to be seen differently than those of an opposite-sex couple.
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    Mar 25, 2014 3:49 AM GMT
    I'd lean towards disagreeing that relationship dynamics are totally different. It's still two people trying to make something work. Perhaps having kids together gives them one more reason to stay together but I'd say that's a dubious advantage.
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    Mar 25, 2014 3:51 AM GMT
    Thom1993 said
    It's harder for family and friends to offer solid advice because often they're using their experiences from heterosexual relationships etc.

    And yet much of the good advice I get comes from observing the experiences of the het world.

    While I believe gays do have some unique relationship issues, I also believe the vast majority of these issues are fundamentally similar in both the gay and straight worlds. Therefore my first step in solving a gay relationship issue, for myself or for others, is to look for parallels in the straight world.

    I strongly believe that humans are humans, and men are men. By that I mean we're all very much alike, gay & straight. Sure, I seek male romance rather than female, but romance is romance.

    Certain male behaviors are nearly universal. Think your BF isn't treating you well? You'll find straight men who treat their GFs exactly the same way, and some of the solutions are also identical. For almost every relationship complaint I read here in these threads I have seen the same thing between het couples, and they're also often handled the same way.

    Therefore I DO think family & friends can offer solid advice, provided they too can recognize the commonalities, and not get sidetracked by the orientation issue, like you're a different species or something. In the absence of that, just look around you for yourself.

    Nobody ever really taught me, either. I had to learn by observation and trial-and-error. And as for being "cut out for being gay", Nature's already taken care of that, my dear. And if WE aren't cut out for it, then I don't know who the Hell is!
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    Mar 25, 2014 3:54 AM GMT
    The dynamics really aren't all that different, when looking for a relationship the idea is to find something good and make it work. Relationships have challenges based on the needs, wants and traits of the individuals involved. Many of the challenging obstacles of relationships are the same for gay and straight couples.
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    Mar 25, 2014 3:56 AM GMT
    Yeah, they're called "straight people."
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    Mar 25, 2014 4:03 AM GMT
    MikeW saidYour post is accurate. Don't know about the question posed as the Topic Title… How does the inherent difficulty of being gay fit with the question?


    Maybe the question should have been are some people mot cut out for being in a gay relationship?

    creatureMaybe it's just me, but I don't see why the dynamics have to be seen differently than those of an opposite-sex couple


    It is different though because you don't fall into traditional roles as your both guys and it seems like one person always has to hold the power in the relationship. For example I didn't notice at the time but in my own experience I literally gave all the power to someone else but then didn't even get anything back I'm terms of affection or even good conversation.

    Even though the UK is probably one of the best places to be gay because you don't have to hide or anything its still difficult so it must be even more difficult living somewhere there's still a fair bit of discrimination.

    Also I'm lucky that I live in tolerant times and it's still tough. Given my location and the fact it's 2014 I feel like I have no right to say it's tough.

    I can't put my finger on exactly why it's so tough but I feel worthless being on my own again but I feel pathetic for wanting to be in a relationship again. (especially when I miss my bogus relationship because it sucked)
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    Mar 25, 2014 4:05 AM GMT
    Sorry you're feeling down.
    Hugs Bubs.
    Social dynamics have changed a lot even for Hetero relationships.
    I'd imagine you only have traditional relationships to go by, but I feel in another generation, people will laugh at such an antiquated dichotomy.
    Personally, I feel you are at a huge advantage compared to me at your age, as you have plenty of guys here to to go to for solid advice.
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    Mar 25, 2014 4:13 AM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidSorry you're feeling down.
    Hugs Bubs.
    Social dynamics have changed a lot even for Hetero relationships.
    I'd imagine you only have traditional relationships to go by, but I feel in another generation, people will laugh at such an antiquated dichotomy.
    Personally, I feel you are at a huge advantage compared to me at your age, as you have plenty of guys here to to go to for solid advice.


    Well it was more of a general question than just about me because I'm guessing I'm not the only person that's feeling like this. I seriously take all the advice from here and other people that I know but it's difficult even trusting people. Especially guys for anything bar friendship because besides my best friend I like to keep them at arms length, more so since I trusted one and it kinda sucked.
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    Mar 25, 2014 4:23 AM GMT
    While there are some obvious differences between straight and gay relationships I still believe that many of the fundamentals remain the same. Communication, trust, attraction, compatibility, etc. You're mentioning that homosexual couples have more of a difficult time with dating and relationships because they don't fit the traditional roles of a female-male relationship, but even in the modern day many straight couples don't follow these traditional "rules" that have been put forth for so many years and their relationships seem to be working fine.

    I actually enjoy being gay, not only can my partner be my lover, but also my best bud. Sort of like bros but there's intimacy involved. I feel like that isn't there in straight relationships, I may be wrong but that's just what I feel. And while there's not much that I can look to for guidance in things that are unique to gay relationships, I can definitely learn as I go along and trust my judgment.

  • creature

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    Mar 25, 2014 4:25 AM GMT
    Thom,

    I understand what you mean, but as Dustin pointed out, the dynamics are not always the same in opposite-sex couples. These dynamics are socialized and are conformed to, if you choose to. But it doesn't have to be that way. No one has to hold the power in a relationship, unless you want it to be that way.

    I'm very sorry to hear about your experience. But just because your ex never gave you anything in return doesn't mean he's not cut out for being gay, if that is the implication, because what he did wouldn't be right if you were a woman.

    Don't feel worthless. You're not.

    But whatever you do, please, please, please, do not be so quick to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. Having a man does not determine your worth. I've read your posts, and your character is worth more than you realize. You might want to take some time to truly appreciate yourself, before going out to seek it from someone else.
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    Mar 25, 2014 4:36 AM GMT
    Richenstein saidWhile there are some obvious differences between straight and gay relationships I still believe that many of the fundamentals remain the same. Communication, trust, attraction, compatibility, etc. You're mentioning that homosexual couples have more of a difficult time with dating and relationships because they don't fit the traditional roles of a female-male relationship, but even in the modern day many straight couples don't follow these traditional "rules" that have been put forth for so many years and their relationships seem to be working fine.

    I actually enjoy being gay, not only can my partner be my lover, but also my best bud. Sort of like bros but there's intimacy involved. I feel like that isn't there in straight relationships, I may be wrong but that's just what I feel. And while there's not much that I can look to for guidance in things that are unique to gay relationships, I can definitely learn as I go along and trust my judgment.


    +1
    It all depends on the person and the environment he's in.
    I personally never felt the need for any guidance from adults...all the things I learned are based on observation and choice.

    for ex: A man sees a drunkard with a bottle of beer in his hand, he's either disgusted with beer or tempted or remains ignorant.
    What's his choice will obviously define his character in the present or future.
    It's more or less the same in relationships and life, both for gay and straight individuals as well.
    Nature and environment.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Mar 25, 2014 4:53 AM GMT
    My concern about the question was like what if you (or anyone) determined you're not "cut out" to be gay…. then what? Cuz you are gay whether you're cut out for it or not.

    For me it has always been a challenge to accept myself and then move on from there. For sure my sexuality is a large part of my life but my whole life isn't determined by it, either. It was a revelation when (a few yeas older than you are) I discovered that all my problems did NOT stem from the fact I was gay. That I was gay made them more complicated or difficult in some respects but I would have had many of the same problems even if I'd been straight.

    In fact, once I began to understand this, I realized that one of the values of being gay is that I didn't *have* to conform to anyone else's presumptions of who, what and how I ought to be. I could be whoever I was, however I wanted to be.

    Relationships are a whole other issue. My best advice is don't overly stress about them. Stay open to meeting new guys but know who you are, what you want and don't want, and how to set boundaries with them. Learn to listen to them and learn to express your own thoughts, feelings, needs and wants.

    I don't know you in person but I from what I've seen on this forum, you're a good, intelligent, attractive (and a whole bunch of other good things) young man. There's nothing *wrong* with you in any fundamental sense. I suspect you'll find yourself in a relationship again when you're truly ready to be in one. And hopefully this time it will work out better.
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    Mar 25, 2014 6:10 AM GMT
    I just don't trust my own judgement. I've been really stupid like who believes they're in a relationship for 6 months when they're not? In hindsight we never discussed being together properly or even went on a date. We partied a couple of times (even though his friend hated me) and he would turn up for sex from time to time. Bearing that in mind I still refer to him as my ex!?

    I genuinely believe he manipulated me into believing something was going on though because I said I wanted to take everything slow and he said that was fine. That was me trying to have the relationship talk. Plus he knew I was inexperienced and he made me feel so bad about it like I was a burden and I felt so grateful to him that I did and believed everything he said.

    If I'm that daft how am I going to do relationships?

    It would be easier if I could find an older/mature guy who doesn't want to mess about, knows what he wants and can spell it out for me so i know what I have to do to make it work.
  • buddycat

    Posts: 1874

    Mar 25, 2014 6:38 AM GMT
    I think the whole concept of gay marriage is that we should be equal in all ways. There shouldn't be this difference.
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    Mar 25, 2014 12:07 PM GMT
    Thom1993 saidI just don't trust my own judgement. I've been really stupid like who believes they're in a relationship for 6 months when they're not? In hindsight we never discussed being together properly or even went on a date. We partied a couple of times (even though his friend hated me) and he would turn up for sex from time to time. Bearing that in mind I still refer to him as my ex!?

    I genuinely believe he manipulated me into believing something was going on though because I said I wanted to take everything slow and he said that was fine. That was me trying to have the relationship talk. Plus he knew I was inexperienced and he made me feel so bad about it like I was a burden and I felt so grateful to him that I did and believed everything he said.

    If I'm that daft how am I going to do relationships?

    It would be easier if I could find an older/mature guy who doesn't want to mess about, knows what he wants and can spell it out for me so i know what I have to do to make it work.


    Tho you are experiancing a victim mindset. Ive seen it in several posts of yours. That's okay a lot of people(myself included) have had it in the past or even currently. No matter who is in your life you allowed them to be there. Take this painful experiance and use it as fuel to better yourself and make sure next time that it doesn't occur.. And your not missing your ex or the relationship... Your missing what you imagined them to be. As soon as oh realize that the man you thought you knew wasn't real and just a figment of your imagination is the minute you'll be free of him. And than you can move onto people who will treat you like you deserve, and you'll be a stronger and better person for it and so will any relationship you have with someone. But really realize he is not your ex, he is not a past boyfriend, he was a stranger you hardly knew(though you may of thought you did) who didn't deserve you that you allowed into your life. That is all. He is gone. In fact he was never there, because the man you thought you were spending time with never existed except in your mind. Let it go. Live and learn. Move on bravely. You can start by realizing these things and than talking to your friend who you're not sure is gay and have a fuck it attitude towards the consequences.
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    Mar 25, 2014 5:42 PM GMT
    AlligatorSky said
    Thom1993 saidI just don't trust my own judgement. I've been really stupid like who believes they're in a relationship for 6 months when they're not? In hindsight we never discussed being together properly or even went on a date. We partied a couple of times (even though his friend hated me) and he would turn up for sex from time to time. Bearing that in mind I still refer to him as my ex!?

    I genuinely believe he manipulated me into believing something was going on though because I said I wanted to take everything slow and he said that was fine. That was me trying to have the relationship talk. Plus he knew I was inexperienced and he made me feel so bad about it like I was a burden and I felt so grateful to him that I did and believed everything he said.

    If I'm that daft how am I going to do relationships?

    It would be easier if I could find an older/mature guy who doesn't want to mess about, knows what he wants and can spell it out for me so i know what I have to do to make it work.


    Tho you are experiancing a victim mindset. Ive seen it in several posts of yours. That's okay a lot of people(myself included) have had it in the past or even currently. No matter who is in your life you allowed them to be there. Take this painful experiance and use it as fuel to better yourself and make sure next time that it doesn't occur.. And your not missing your ex or the relationship... Your missing what you imagined them to be. As soon as oh realize that the man you thought you knew wasn't real and just a figment of your imagination is the minute you'll be free of him. And than you can move onto people who will treat you like you deserve, and you'll be a stronger and better person for it and so will any relationship you have with someone. But really realize he is not your ex, he is not a past boyfriend, he was a stranger you hardly knew(though you may of thought you did) who didn't deserve you that you allowed into your life. That is all. He is gone. In fact he was never there, because the man you thought you were spending time with never existed except in your mind. Let it go. Live and learn. Move on bravely. You can start by realizing these things and than talking to your friend who you're not sure is gay and have a fuck it attitude towards the consequences.


    Thanks. I know I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and I kinda don't feel too sorry for myself all the time because I'm as culpable for allowing myself to be so dumb. There's stuff I can't go into that happened after we 'broke up' but were still hooking up that are really hard put behind me though.

    I think yesterday just got on top of me however so I felt worse than normal. Basically my hours were reduced at work because we're not making enough money - whilst summer is always busy so in a few months my hours should be more secure I am worried they could go down more if we don't get enough customers.

    EDIT: plus a glass of rioja that holds nearly a half a bottle of wine probably didn't help icon_razz.gif
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    Mar 25, 2014 10:31 PM GMT
    paz_daddy saidwell, you're not alone. don't think i'm cut out for this shit either. i don't care nor do i no longer have the patience to deal with the dumb shit that some gay guys seem to think is cool. i get annoyed......... let me edit that.




    I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks that sometimes