Ok...So...My mom HATES the fact that I'm Gay What the hell do I do?

  • BerkleeBoy118

    Posts: 71

    Dec 26, 2008 8:46 PM GMT
    Ok so i know everyone has their issues with coming out to their parents. but I figured I would share mine because I'm a bit confused about my mom's reaction.....
    I came out my sophomore year of high-school. I am now a freshmen in College and 19 years old. My mother has a HUGE problem with my sexuality and uses it against me at every chance possible. Anytime she hears anything new about me and my lifestyle she tells literally everyone. my whole church is aware of whatever she finds out. all my relatives will know within hours. My family will be informed even my 12 year old brother who I feel has no business knowing anything about it quite yet. "Jeff is apparently dating a boy" "Jeff is a gogo boy" blah blah etc. When I was home she would constantly slide things under my door trying to "change" me to being straight. My friends will come up to me and tell me "so....your mom was talking to my mom about you and I heard (example here)" its starting to drive me insane...and I'm home for break and about to bash my head against a brick wall. She told me today that if "things dont change...then Im not allowed to come home for summer vacation! like.... lol. I really just dont understand... so guys. honestly. is this normal behavior for a mom to do? or am I being too sensitive about it? =/
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    Dec 26, 2008 9:03 PM GMT
    Question: do you live on campus and away from your mom?

    If the answer is yes, then do not contact her as much as possible. The less you contact her and the longer you surround yourself with other like-minded pro-gay college individuals nearby, then the more you can reverse the detrimental psychological effects your bigoted mother caused just for being gay.
  • BerkleeBoy118

    Posts: 71

    Dec 26, 2008 9:05 PM GMT
    jakebenson saidQuestion: do you live on campus and away from your mom?

    If the answer is yes, then do not contact her as much as possible. The less you contact her and the longer you surround yourself with other like-minded pro-gay college individuals nearby, then the more you can reverse the detrimental psychological effects your bigoted mother caused just for being gay.


    Yeah I live In Boston...My family lives in Delaware...so. I'm quite far from her. and don't respond to her texts or calls. ever basically.
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    Dec 26, 2008 9:13 PM GMT
    BerkleeBoy118 said
    jakebenson saidQuestion: do you live on campus and away from your mom?

    If the answer is yes, then do not contact her as much as possible. The less you contact her and the longer you surround yourself with other like-minded pro-gay college individuals nearby, then the more you can reverse the detrimental psychological effects your bigoted mother caused just for being gay.


    Yeah I live In Boston...My family lives in Delaware...so. I'm quite far from her. and don't respond to her texts or calls. ever basically.


    Good. You're smart. The more you stay away from her oppressive existence, the more you're personality will grow stronger. And when you do have to confront her, you'll have more thick skin and you'll be better able to deal and confront her with her bullshit.
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    Dec 26, 2008 9:56 PM GMT
    Just tell them that your mom has "issues" that she is still working thru. Say you are sorry that they have to be bothered with her incessant piquine reports, but please be patient with her. ....and shove her notes back under her door inscribed "return to sender"
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    Dec 26, 2008 10:03 PM GMT
    you could tell her you've become a heterosexual prostitute that enjoys bestiality and necrophilia... ya know... really give them something to talk about..

    otherwise, mate, live your own life your way and if anyone talks about it, at least you can live happy in the knowledge that you are true to your self.
  • BerkleeBoy118

    Posts: 71

    Dec 26, 2008 10:21 PM GMT
    Caslon8000 saidJust tell them that your mom has "issues" that she is still working thru. Say you are sorry that they have to be bothered with her incessant piquine reports, but please be patient with her. ....and shove her notes back under her door inscribed "return to sender"


    awwww this made me laugh haha. thanks mister =)
  • BerkleeBoy118

    Posts: 71

    Dec 26, 2008 10:21 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidyou could tell her you've become a heterosexual prostitute that enjoys bestiality and necrophilia... ya know... really give them something to talk about..

    otherwise, mate, live your own life your way and if anyone talks about it, at least you can live happy in the knowledge that you are true to your self.



    hahahaha i love it <3 thanks for the smile tonight
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    Dec 26, 2008 10:42 PM GMT
    Ah well young man, now you've come upon a maturing man's dilemma: how to deal with those who don't approve of you whom may be close to you. Far be it from me to encourage you to terminate the relationship, but you may have to come to terms with the fact that she may never agree with who you are 100%. And that's okay. We need to love ourselves, most of all, and encourage others to love us in return. You really can't change what she thinks of you but you can help her to see that you're the same person as before, only more open and liberated. Then again, she may tell you to "piss off" so who knows.
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    Dec 26, 2008 11:02 PM GMT
    Ask her to purchase a shitload of straight porn for you to practice being straight.
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    Dec 26, 2008 11:04 PM GMT
    also refer your mom to PFLAG or a church-based gay support group like Lutherans Concerned.
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    Dec 26, 2008 11:32 PM GMT
    Man it depends on the kind of relationship you have with your mom. I also had problems with mine when I came out and it was pretty bad, she was extremely depressed and I didnt know what to do but I always had a strong relationship with my mom and I thought I was mature enough to face the situation and tell her what had to be said, basically I told her "Mom I love you, and Im sorry for not being what you wanned me to be, I didnt choose my sexuality you know, and I didnt choose the mom I have either but I did choose to love you mom, cause the youre most wonderful person on the world and not matter what I be or what I do, you'll always be the only mom I love". Right now my mom asks my boyfriend to go visit her and she is always complaining when he doesnt drop by.

    So once again man, depends on the relationship you have with your mom, and the kind of person you are.

    Edit:

    this is not about being independent or not, this is about a relationship between you and your mother, you are not perfect and she is not perfect either. Its pretty easy to demand some understanding but its hard to understand others, if you cant understand your mom how can you expect her to understand you? I know she is wrong but she is wrong cause she doesnt have the quality to see gay people on the way you do, the question is...are you gonna try to help her to see that or not?
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    Dec 26, 2008 11:44 PM GMT
    I agree with what others said. It is time to begin to separate from your mother, as much as you can, and focus on other positive minded gay/straight friends and support systems.

    There is an old book, that I think has been updated, called "Loving Someone Gay", you might want to get that and send it to her. Also talk mostly to family who are supportive of you, and who do not talk to others about your behavior and what you have told them.

    I would start looking for a new place to stay for the summer and I would tell her why. I would also find a new gay supportive church.

    By the way, you didn't say if they are paying for school. That might change whole dynamic of this.
  • BerkleeBoy118

    Posts: 71

    Dec 26, 2008 11:45 PM GMT
    Koaa2 saidI agree with what others said. It is time to begin to separate from your mother, as much as you can, and focus on other positive minded gay/straight friends and support systems.

    There is an old book, that I think has been updated, called "Loving Someone Gay", you might want to get that and send it to her. Also talk mostly to family who are supportive of you, and who do not talk to others about your behavior and what you have told them.

    I would start looking for a new place to stay for the summer and I would tell her why. I would also find a new gay supportive church.

    By the way, you didn't say if they are paying for school. That might change whole dynamic of this.


    yeah...they're paying for school...50,000 a year... =/
  • Mikeylikesit

    Posts: 1021

    Dec 26, 2008 11:54 PM GMT
    Sounds like your mother just needs more time to Come to grips. You'll be fine, Just give her time & space.

  • ajlclimber

    Posts: 337

    Dec 27, 2008 12:46 AM GMT
    One way of going about things, and you have to be ready for consequences if you go this route, is to let her know you love her, however you are a grown boy and no longer need her in your life. I had to have the same talk with my parents when I came out. Mormon family. lol.

    My mother tries hard.. however I also do my best to be honest with her without over sharing. last thing she needs to know is anything about my sex life.

    My father is gay.. there is drama of its own there. I came out when I was 20. he came out when I was 23. I am officially more mentally mature. lol
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    Dec 27, 2008 1:09 AM GMT
    I generally agree with the posts above that says that you should still love your Mum and do your best to try to improve your relationship with her. Although, of course, I have not seen you or your Mum first hand, so I can only speculate, but I think your Mum is blaming herself that you are gay, and she is probably sitting down and pondering just where she had gone wrong in bringing you up. Her response to others, I think, is an attempt to cover up her apparent failure in parenting by shifting the blame on you, so that those around her might think that she had done nothing wrong.
    Really, if this theory is appropiate, then she should ask herself this: Who does she love more, you or herself? By telling and commenting to others about your orientation, is she really trying to protect herself?
    The best thing she can do is to love and accept you as you are - her son. She should see you as her son, and even if you being gay scares her, she should praise and uphold all the good things you have achieved so far.
  • cowboyathlete

    Posts: 1346

    Dec 27, 2008 1:16 AM GMT
    BerkleeBoy118 said
    jakebenson saidQuestion: do you live on campus and away from your mom?

    If the answer is yes, then do not contact her as much as possible. The less you contact her and the longer you surround yourself with other like-minded pro-gay college individuals nearby, then the more you can reverse the detrimental psychological effects your bigoted mother caused just for being gay.


    Yeah I live In Boston...My family lives in Delaware...so. I'm quite far from her. and don't respond to her texts or calls. ever basically.
    Keep up the good work.
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    Dec 27, 2008 3:52 AM GMT
    well this may sound harsh and I don't mean to upset you, but it sounds like your mother is rather MANIPULATIVE, cruel, insensitive and immature. You are going to have to inform her that if she cannot respect you and offer you love and support like a mother should, then you will have to separate yourself from her..and show her the door. Separation from a toxic person like that will help you in YOUR life. And maybe later she will come around and begin to behave like a more mature, adult, actualized HUMAN BEING. Remind her that you will be living YOUR life and not hers. Perhaps it is time to cut some apron strings and let her know that if she cannot be more supportive of the person you are and respect you then she has no purpose in your life. This may sound harsh, but it sounds like she needs a serious reality check. If she does not like hearing you talk that way to her, then remind her that you would rather not talk that way to her, but she leaves you no choice. As long as you put up with it, you are enabling her behavior and giving her signals that it is OK for her to be that way to you. Tell her to stop and that it is NOT OK for her to behave so immaturely to you. If she won't listen, then separate yourself from the toxic factor in your life. Let her know that you will NOT be changing who you are for anyone including her, and that if she cannot rap her small mind around that, then she is welcome to exit. The only thing she is accomplishing by this behavior is to drive you away, make you angry at her, and create a negative toxic situation. Is that really what she wants? Inform her that if she continues, you will have to separate yourself from her and she will miss out on great moments in your life. It's time for you to take a stand. Otherwise, you are just giving power to the reductive, toxic behavior and situation.
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    Dec 27, 2008 3:55 AM GMT
    well I have come to terms after a very stressful trip home for the holidays and seeing how family acts towards each other... personally for me, if its not what you had hoped for, then only you can change it whether it be lose contact and stay as brief contact as possible or tell your mom to deal with it.


    Oh and PS, when my mom was having a hard time in the beginning when I came out to her, she was upset of course because she never knew, and that all my friends and their parents knew and she was one of the last ones to know(my sister was the one that told me not to tell mom), but when we finally had a deep conversation she was like what did I do?, I told her there was nothing you did, I am born like this. Then I told her even if some small chance that it was something she did, I wouldn't change it if I could, because for once I am truly happy and honest with myself.
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    Dec 27, 2008 4:01 AM GMT
    i also think that if this sort of thing continues with your mother, it could affect the kind of person you become and your relationships with others in the future. Do you find that this has a residual affect in your frame of mind or how you interact with others?....or is it changing the person you are in a negative way?
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    Dec 27, 2008 4:14 AM GMT
    Let me get this straight:

    She tried to change you but she tells everybody when you have a boyfriend? And when you get a gig go-go dancing (uhhh....how did she find out about that?)

    I don't think you're sharing the whole story here.

    Troy
  • BerkleeBoy118

    Posts: 71

    Dec 27, 2008 4:25 AM GMT
    seventeenth saidHaving done a great deal of professional work in the area of sexual identity and ethnicity, I would suggest you take the advice of your sage brothers on this site and give your mom space and time to deal with her own inner turmoils over your sexuality. This is particularly difficulty for African-American women given the very weighty and significant role Christian community plays in their identity! Eventually your own personal satisfaction with self will win others over!


    LOL well...my mom is white haha. both of my parents are....im adopted lol... so....that doesnt really work. BUT my REAL mom is black obviously. and she's a lesbian. so she's chill with it haha
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    Dec 27, 2008 4:31 AM GMT
    Berklee, you private messaged me to ask "ok well what the hell are u confused about".

    I'm just confused because people who are insulted, affronted, or embarassed don't often turn around and tell their whole church unless: a) they're proud of you or b) they're trying to distance themselves from you. If it's (a), then you may have misinterpreted. If it's (b), then your Mom is trying to make up for her own insecurity by being the one to tell the "others" you're gay and a go-go dancer, in which case, she is definitely not your friend.

    My own mother just keeps it to herself. But she's country folk, so as far as she's concerned, "your personal life is nobody else's business."

    I was just wondering...is there more to this. Would she do this if you had a girlfriend? Is she just generally invasive and unaware of boundaries? Has she always been one to invade your privacy and share your personal life with others? I don't think we have enough information to really help you.

    Troy
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    Dec 27, 2008 4:53 AM GMT
    BerkleeBoy118 saidOk so i know everyone has their issues with coming out to their parents. but I figured I would share mine because I'm a bit confused about my mom's reaction.....
    I came out my sophomore year of high-school. I am now a freshmen in College and 19 years old. My mother has a HUGE problem with my sexuality and uses it against me at every chance possible. Anytime she hears anything new about me and my lifestyle she tells literally everyone. my whole church is aware of whatever she finds out. all my relatives will know within hours. My family will be informed even my 12 year old brother who I feel has no business knowing anything about it quite yet. "Jeff is apparently dating a boy" "Jeff is a gogo boy" blah blah etc. When I was home she would constantly slide things under my door trying to "change" me to being straight. My friends will come up to me and tell me "so....your mom was talking to my mom about you and I heard (example here)" its starting to drive me insane...and I'm home for break and about to bash my head against a brick wall. She told me today that if "things dont change...then Im not allowed to come home for summer vacation! like.... lol. I really just dont understand... so guys. honestly. is this normal behavior for a mom to do? or am I being too sensitive about it? =/


    It's normal for a biggoted mother to do I suppose. Your mother needs to put aside her need to convict you and get a grip on her role in your life. She's your mother, not your judge. Something I had to learn with a relative was that I had to basically cut her out of my life. I didn't do it on purpose, but she did the same thing and realized that this is my life, and anything I tell her about myself will include something to judge and something to pass on for more people to tell me I'm just feeding the hellfire. I hate not talking to her, as she was once close and my Grandmother's (the most important person in my life) confidant. But, I cant wake up at 1am anymore with someone telling me that they had a dream I'd burn or I'd get some disease and suffer forever.

    Eventually, with her presence in my life dwindling, I've seen few issues with other relatives. They ask and listen about my life, and while I can hear what they would like to say, they hold their tongues in respect. You're an adult and you deserve that same respect. If she wants you out of her life because you are gay, then do it. My mother disowned me for about three months last year. While I was in a horrible relationship, I was still the happiest I had been in years. She came around and realized where her place was in my life. Though your mother doesn't accept your "lifestyle," she must accept you and will have to realize where her limits are and accept that her plan for your future is not the way it works. It's something all parents have to deal with, and she's wrapping multiple issues together and crossing the line over to destroying her relationship with you. I think you should hold your ground. Your mother needs to grow up. If she cuts you out of her life, that's her decision, but don't destroy the chance to regain your relationship by being bitter about it when she comes back around.