Just not that into you...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 27, 2014 5:14 AM GMT
    How long do most guys continue to date someone they're "just not that into"? That is, you "like" them, there's attraction, the sex is great & you enjoy spending time together but there's not quite a "spark" or "chemistry." Months? Years? Until the other guy demands "more"?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 27, 2014 9:29 AM GMT
    It really depends on the guy and the circumstances (probably my most overused phrase in this section of the forum). I've had relationships with guys that weren't quite "relationships" under any binding terms between us - where we both grew very fond of each other but for whatever reason, never wanted to cross that bridge of making it official. This sort of thing lasted months - and neither of us were regularly seeing anyone (not that I know of, at least) during the time; it seemed like neither of us wanted to be seeing anyone else. It was very nice, there wasn't a lot of fighting or dramatic episodes. Just two guys that enjoyed each others company. It ended eventually, though.

    Nowadays, I almost feel as if that's a better way to go about relationships - as opposed to getting caught up in and demanding an official title with corresponding verbalized terms to represent what I have between another person. There tends to be a lot less heartache and a lot more of what there needs to be.

    A more direct answer from me would be - when it feels right amongst the two of you, make it official; there is no set time frame for anything verbal to be established.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 27, 2014 1:34 PM GMT
    piikea said ... there's not quite a "spark" or "chemistry ...


    it helps to have your life defined before you invest into someone else's.
    Could that be the main reason for the indecision?

    admit it; its a guy thing. to be standing at the alter and still be confused.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 27, 2014 7:53 PM GMT
    pellaz said
    piikea said ... there's not quite a "spark" or "chemistry ...


    it helps to have your life defined before you invest into someone else's.
    Could that be the main reason for the indecision?

    admit it; its a guy thing. to be standing at the alter and still be confused.


    I was just curious about how long such situations lasted for most guys (especially when it's known one of them wants more). Personally I could understand a few months or so - maybe 6 at most. I was just trying to see how long it takes other guys to decide "it's just not gonna work" - if it was sooner or longer than what I thought.

    No indecision on my part. I'm sort of on the other side of the equation if anything.
  • Puppymuncher

    Posts: 163

    Mar 27, 2014 9:18 PM GMT
    Here's the issue, there's sexual compatibility and there's emotional compatibility. When you traditionally date someone, you try to establish emotional compatibility first. Once you establish that, after a period of time (ranging from 2 hours - a couple months, who knows) and once you feel comfortable enough with each other, you hop into bed, so see if there's any sexual compatibility. It sucks when two people are only compatible in bed, but not out of bed, or vice versa.


    This is why I can't understand the whole 'no sex before marriage' crap. How do you know if you're sexually compatible until you've had sex? It's not just a top/bottom thing, you gotta take into things like the other person's fetishes, any major no-no's, and their libido. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. You shouldn't have to settle for someone you're only compatible with in one area, but not all.
  • Amira

    Posts: 329

    Mar 27, 2014 9:19 PM GMT
    Well, unfortunately "dating" can be a lot of run arounds. Which is why I don't see myself doing the whole dating thing in the future. I think it's a lot less complicated than what people can make it out to be. If two people like eachother and want more they should have no problem with moving forward instead of staying static.

    I find that that some people just date just to date. Because it's convenient for them to have someone around and that's it. But that's at the expense of the other person's feelings who may be dating to establish more.

    And I don't think you should stick around for far too long for someone to "decide" on whether things go further. If there is genuine and mutual chemistry, chances are it would have progressed. Then again you can't really put a time stamp on it since ever goes at different paces. But if you are left in the dark, that's when its an issue.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 27, 2014 9:39 PM GMT
    piikea said

    I was just curious about how long such situations lasted for most guys (especially when it's known one of them wants more). Personally I could understand a few months or so - maybe 6 at most. I was just trying to see how long it takes other guys to decide "it's just not gonna work" - if it was sooner or longer than what I thought.

    No indecision on my part. I'm sort of on the other side of the equation if anything.


    It sounds like you're speaking from a pretty specific situation, in which case, only you can answer how long you're to wait around for something to happen; we can't give you a general 'reasonable' time-frame because that's going to differ dramatically from person to person and from situation to situation.

    The way I've handled the situation of seeing an indecisive guy while I was emotionally invested with success is by setting a deadline. Mark a date on the calender, let it be known to this guy that - that he has until then to either 'make up his mind' or he's going to watch you separate and move on with your life. You can't force someone into a relationship that they don't want to be in but if you find yourself stuck in a dead-end job, you can most certainly make your way out, if you're unsatisfied.

    Just a suggestion.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 27, 2014 10:10 PM GMT
    I was trying to get some perspective on my situation to see if it was an "unusual" amount of time or not (1.5 yr.'s). Unfortunately I am not the one able to decide in my case.

    Apparently he decided:

    "If there is(was) genuine and mutual chemistry, chances are it would have progressed......" and found someone else

    But I was:

    "left in the dark, that's when its an issue."

    Not that I know what I could have done about it had I known he was thinking that. Tragic irony is just a week or two prior I'd thought to myself "we really are seeming/acting more comfortable & compatible with each other more than ever." It must've been one sided.
  • Amira

    Posts: 329

    Mar 27, 2014 10:48 PM GMT
    piikea saidI was trying to get some perspective on my situation to see if it was an "unusual" amount of time or not (1.5 yr.'s). Unfortunately I am not the one able to decide in my case.

    Apparently he decided:

    "If there is(was) genuine and mutual chemistry, chances are it would have progressed......" and found someone else

    But I was:

    "left in the dark, that's when its an issue."

    Not that I know what I could have done about it had I known he was thinking that. Tragic irony is just a week or two prior I'd thought to myself "we really are seeming/acting more comfortable & compatible with each other more than ever." It must've been one sided.


    I understand how you feel.. Which is why I say dating can be such a run around. I usually find that those who just comfortable with "dating" you for months and months but with no clear direction usually are using that time to date others as well to find someone else that they actually want to settle with.

    Which is why I personally think it's better for me to keep things at a friend level, getting to know the person and if we both do want more then we can pursue that. Rather than to emotionally invest in dating.

    We never have control over how things go with others. At best we can do is be honest with others and hope they do the same. If a situation seems awkward, don't put too much into it.

    Sorry that he gave you missed signals, you seem really nice! icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 27, 2014 10:55 PM GMT
    pellaz said
    it helps to have your life defined before you invest into someone else's.
    Could that be the main reason for the indecision?

    admit it; its a guy thing. to be standing at the altar and still be confused.

    That's one of the most wise and insightful things I've read here - EVER!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 27, 2014 11:03 PM GMT
    I probably did see signals but hoped that over time with each month & experiences together he would develop more feelings for me as I had him. He just took me to an expensive dinner for my birthday less than two months ago & brought me candy for Valentine's Day - it's not like those should make me think enough "feelings" weren't there (& things were going to end all of the sudden)!?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 28, 2014 12:23 AM GMT
    I feel for ya man. I know many friends who play it better than most politicians when it comes to pulling the plug on relationships. They'll play the facade that everything's going fine, just to keep the physical relationship going until a new guy is lined up, then make the switch.

    I've been guilty of something similar once, when the guy I was seeing asked me if we were ready to make it official despite upcoming school-related challenges in terms of our availability to each other. I didn't know the answer at the time but didn't want to say no, so I agreed we were official. But after some reflection over the next week, I changed my mind and promptly broke up. Unlike many of my friends tho, I rather be single/celibate than be in a relationship that I realized wasn't going anywhere.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 28, 2014 2:19 AM GMT
    I KNOW it IS done by a lot of guys but most prefer not to admit to it because it kind of reflects badly on a person. The longer someone would continue in such a situation the stranger it seems to me but I guess as long as the good outweighs the bad they figure "why not." At some point the one who wants "more" is gonna get hurt or wise up & leave on his own. I am not this wise apparently.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 28, 2014 7:14 AM GMT
    If i am not feeling him or feel the sparks or whatever after the 1st or 2nd date, I would just stop. I expect him to do the same if he doesn't like me or whatever. If he presses me, I'd simply tell him to be friends and the truth. There's no need to string people along, the more you invest, the more hurt feelings you will get in the future. Unless you're ok with hurting people or getting hurt yourself or just want to have meaningless booty ass sex and not a relationship.