Coming Out and Close Guy Friends

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 07, 2014 9:20 PM GMT
    Hey guys,

    I've recently been inching closer to that decision that I need to come out. I think it's time and I have tested the waters about as much as any one really needs to. One thing that's holding me back is potential fallout from my guy friends. I love these guys, man. They're awesome. I like being one of the guys too. The thought that they might be weirded out or guarded around me fills me with dread. Don't want things to change on this front. At the same time I think they'd be cool with it. They're good folks, after all.

    I know everyone here has probably found themselves in this circumstance.

    What was the reaction of your pals?

    Is your relationship with them better or worse now?

    Any advice you can give me!

    Thanks in advance!

    (Really hope I'm posting in the right place, too. Hope I don't get run out of town with torches and pitchforks. XD)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 07, 2014 9:36 PM GMT
    Congrats on wanting to come out!

    How do they act around gay people? Have they proven to be bigoted and homophobic? Like you said, many of us experienced the same feelings of worry that you're facing right now. The friends that love you and accept you for who you are probably won't see you any differently, some friends may be in shock at first and may need to process that you've come out, but those will come around. Those who automatically shut you out just because you've told them you're gay aren't worth it anyway. Not saying that that's going to happen, but you have to be ready for all possibilities when you come out.


    What was the reaction of your pals?
    "Oh, you're gay? holy shit so are you seeing someone? Congrats on coming out, I'm so happy for you!"

    Is your relationship with them better or worse now?
    Definitely better, I'm able to talk with my straight guy friends about my relationships with guys just like they talk about girls with me. A few have accompanied me to a gay bar (even though they never wanted to do it again lol). I'm so close to all of them that the fact that I'm gay is completely irrelevant to them.

    Overall my experiences were great.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Apr 07, 2014 9:37 PM GMT
    One thing you will learn as you get older is that life always changes whether you like it or not and eventually people always find out the truth. Now your decision is, do you want that on your terms, or someone else's terms?
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    Apr 07, 2014 11:46 PM GMT
    Richenstein saidCongrats on wanting to come out!


    Haha! Thanks man, it's been a long time coming. That's for sure!

    Richenstein saidHow do they act around gay people? Have they proven to be bigoted and homophobic?


    Not once, man. I think it's just one of those fears that's not based on any thing at all. Fear of change even, I guess. Nothing makes me think they wouldn't be okay with the idea yet I still worry. It's odd. icon_biggrin.gif

    Richenstein saidLike you said, many of us experienced the same feelings of worry that you're facing right now. The friends that love you and accept you for who you are probably won't see you any differently, some friends may be in shock at first and may need to process that you've come out, but those will come around. Those who automatically shut you out just because you've told them you're gay aren't worth it anyway. Not saying that that's going to happen, but you have to be ready for all possibilities when you come out.


    Yeah, man. All this is excellent advice!


    Richenstein saidWhat was the reaction of your pals?
    "Oh, you're gay? holy shit so are you seeing someone? Congrats on coming out, I'm so happy for you!"

    Is your relationship with them better or worse now?
    Definitely better, I'm able to talk with my straight guy friends about my relationships with guys just like they talk about girls with me. A few have accompanied me to a gay bar (even though they never wanted to do it again lol). I'm so close to all of them that the fact that I'm gay is completely irrelevant to them.

    Overall my experiences were great.


    This is all reassuring stuff. Thanks man.

    AMoonHawk saidOne thing you will learn as you get older is that life always changes whether you like it or not and eventually people always find out the truth. Now your decision is, do you want that on your terms, or someone else's terms?

    Very true. The more I put myself out there, the bigger the chance of something like that happening.

    Thanks for the responses, guys. Much appreciated.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2014 1:07 AM GMT
    Like Glinda said, "come out, come out, wherever you are."

    Like Moonhawk said, do it on your terms. But australians might be different than americans, who for the most part couldn't be bothered by it. If you get a bad reaction from one of them, he wasn't really your friend - and you can move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2014 1:17 AM GMT
    What's the rush? You're only 29. Give it another couple of decades.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2014 1:17 AM GMT
    Sharkadelic saidWhat's the rush? You're only 29. Give it another couple of decades.


    icon_lol.gif
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    Apr 08, 2014 1:33 AM GMT
    Sharkadelic saidWhat's the rush? You're only 29. Give it another couple of decades.
    Haha! Don't tempt me. That's some logic I can get behind!

    Thanks for the responses, guys. You're awesome!
  • ChiGuy999

    Posts: 31

    Apr 08, 2014 1:38 AM GMT
    Dude, if you're close with them, they won't react poorly. I'm "one of the guys," and always have been. When I came out to my group of four or five close guy friends, I got a bro slap on the back, a hearty 'congrats dude' and five shots when we went out to the bar that night.

    I love my bros like, well, my brothers.

    If for some rare chance they don't accept it, give them some time...deep down, they're still caring about you, it might just be an adjustment.

    Rock on dude and good luck! You've got plenty of support on here!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2014 1:54 AM GMT
    I think your friends will do fine with your news. Go for it! And best wishes to you as you take this important step.
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    Apr 08, 2014 2:00 AM GMT
    This day and age in your location, they most likely know already; just waiting on you to tell them.
    The longer you wait the more awkward it will be, as in why didn't you trust them enough to let them know this part of you--what else are you hiding?

    Congrats and good luck.
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    Apr 08, 2014 3:28 PM GMT
    SomeHermit said

    Richenstein saidHow do they act around gay people? Have they proven to be bigoted and homophobic?


    Not once, man. I think it's just one of those fears that's not based on any thing at all. Fear of change even, I guess. Nothing makes me think they wouldn't be okay with the idea yet I still worry. It's odd. icon_biggrin.gif



    Then you have little to worry about, it's all in your head. Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2014 3:39 PM GMT
    It's a long life to always be longing.

  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Apr 08, 2014 3:56 PM GMT
    I wish I could got back and have that experience again. It's a big wave of emotion and excitement.
    If they give you hassel just move on. But I think you will be surprised how many may already know or hug you and accept you as who they have known for year.
    The 3 alternative is..."hey want to fool around?"
    Just kidding.
    Good luck! and Know you got a family here that will be here to support you no matter what. Coming out provides that. You get to pick your family.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2014 4:05 PM GMT
    SomeHermit saidI've recently been inching closer to that decision that I need to come out ...

    i think you are going to loose one or two "friends" but that's life.

    your on borrowed time since if you find that big gay BF everyone will know anyways.

    bet some of your friends will have already have known.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Apr 08, 2014 6:04 PM GMT
    The only negative response I got was some indignation that I hadn't trusted them enough to tell them years ago. I explained that it wasn't about them, but me. Just generalized fear. Sooo much better now.
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    Apr 08, 2014 6:41 PM GMT
    Even if they have said bigoted or homophobic things in the past it doesn't necessarily mean that it will go badly. People say things like that for a variety of reasons and sometimes it's best to forgive certain mistakes and just say that you can't remember if they ask what you thought about an incident. They will be grateful.
  • ndbilly

    Posts: 71

    Apr 08, 2014 8:38 PM GMT
    I have to say that people can really surprise you!

    I went to Notre Dame so many of my friends from college are very religious, conservative and very republican. That being said, when I finally came out, I thought it was really not going to do down very well. To my surprise they have all been awesome. They have also been awesome with my husband. For years they joked about gays and all the trash talk and blah blah blah... This is what held me back from saying anything to them for years. In their case it was trash talk only so really unimportant when it came to a close friend being gay. One of my friends from ND asked me once when visiting, how does he explain that that relationship I have with my husband is normal too... I just said that he didn't have to explain. That treating us normally and being around as uncle Billy and Uncle Charlie was already doing that... So really, many learning opportunities and general acceptance of me as a person before my sexuality.

    Same thing happened with my closest friend here in London. He used to joke about gays and every time it would make me more nervous. Finally came out. His dad actually outed me when he asked me why I didn't fancy a particular girl and I just blurted out that it was because I fancied boys... The next day he and I went out for a drink. On meeting up he asked if I was having a white wine spritzer. His joking was a way of breaking the ice and really now it really doesn't matter. One of the things that most upset him was when I said "don't worry, i never fancied you." He was so upset because I didn't. Wanted to know why not! I am now the godfather to his son.

    I can't promise that it will go well, but what I can say is if they don't accept you because of your sexuality although it hasn't changed you one bit, are you really as close of friends as you think you are?

    Best of luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2014 9:01 PM GMT
    SomeHermit said...They're good folks, after all...


    If they truly are "good folks" your sexual orientation shouldn't matter. If it does then cut them out of your life. You haven't lost anything.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2014 9:15 PM GMT
    My best friends (whom are all straight males) couldn't care less. I was actually surprised they kept up the homoerotic jokes and behavior without feeling uncomfortable at all. Also the faggot jokes are still as present as ever, so that didn't change either. It's just a sign that they don't view me differently than before I came out icon_smile.gif

    I guess you need to be a bit lucky to get such a reaction from your friends.
  • josephmovie

    Posts: 533

    Apr 08, 2014 9:32 PM GMT
    Unless you've had loads of girlfriends they probably already know. While I did find my friends accepted it they didn't want to freely talk about it. and still don't, but then I am from a different generation.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 09, 2014 3:41 AM GMT
    Thanks for all the feedback guys, you're basically all confirming what I know academically in my head. Good to have some first hand confirmation, though. That's one less thing to stress about!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 09, 2014 8:41 AM GMT
    Ehh mine didn't go well buuuut, I'm sure your's will be fine.
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    Apr 13, 2014 12:04 AM GMT
    So I came out to my friends yesterday.

    It went extraordinarily well. Way better than I could've hoped for. I totally shed a manly tear or two in public, which believe me -- that ain't my usual M.O. right there. Haha!

    Some of you were right, a lot of them knew or suspected already. Others were surprised but open to the idea. One of my friends said I was still their favourite person.

    We had plans for dinner last night and I was totally going to skip it. Give them time to process the news. I'm glad I went though. By the end of the night it didn't just feel like it normally does. It was better. They knew this aspect about me, yet things were still the same.

    Feeling happy. Don't think I've been this happy since I was a kid.
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    Apr 13, 2014 12:09 AM GMT
    SomeHermit saidSo I came out to my friends yesterday.

    It went extraordinary well. Way better than I could've hoped for. I totally shed a manly tear or two in public, which believe me -- that ain't my usual M.O. right there. Haha!

    Some of you were right, a lot of them knew or suspected already. Others were surprised but open to the idea. One of my friends said I was still their favourite person.

    We had plans for dinner last night and I was totally going to skip it. Give them time to process the news. I'm glad I went though. By the end of the night it didn't just feel like it normally does. It was better. They knew this aspect about me, yet things were still the same.

    Feeling happy. Don't think I've been this happy since I was a kid.

    Great for you! The angst is behind you. Now go forward, and never look back.