Is it a deliverance or drawback to completely abandon the gay online sites/apps?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 13, 2014 6:39 AM GMT
    Ugh, I'm just at the point where I'm just so tired of the entire gay online (so called) 'dating' culture. It's like everytime you meet a guy off there, it's always got to have some sexual connotation to it. People like me in the adult entertainment service don't need to hookup. If a guy isn't offering to pay some bills, I don't want him talking to me about sex before I even meet him. These mother fuckers on grindr and adam basically want a prostitute, but don't think they have to pay for one. That's exactly what hooking up is. Right now, I'm trying to rebuild my social circle and meet up for something normal.

    I know this topic has been gone over before, but I've met about 3-4 guys in the past couple weeks from online...and all of em were sluts. 1st guy, we go on a date...and he starts talking about the replica black dildo that he likes playing with. The 2nd one, we're hanging out in his apartment...and he kept fucking giving me this 'thirsty' look like he was just so horny. It was like a dry conversation...but you knew where it was leading. Both guys, I met on either adam or grindr.

    Then, the guy I went on a date last night was a total slut. We're hanging out, and then he starts showing me pics of his ex's dick on his phone...then while we were hanging out both before and after we had sex...he's browsing on grindr, which I thought was just so rude. I mean, the sex was GREEEAT, but he was a self-proclaimed horn dog. Definite sex addict. I didn't get mad tho, because he was just visiting from cross country...but still.

    I'm just sick of all disrespectful dirtbags that you meet off these sites. I try to explain that I'm not looking for sex, it doesn't work. Those guys expect sex upfront. I'm really honestly considering just completely devoting myself to an escort lifestyle. Honestly, I'm happier to meet up with honest, upfront guys who are horny, than to meet with rude, inconsiderate whores for free. Someone can call me a prostitute, but a lot of these guys online can just as easily claim that title. Hitting me up, "you wanna fuck some ass?"

    My only issue about leaving online dating, is then I find myself going out to bars and clubs. Which I don't mind, because the results are better. But it's the whole drinking/drugs issue involved too.
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    Apr 13, 2014 7:17 AM GMT
    Ehh I never tried those apps. My neighbor did annnnd that was weird to witness. A bf brought me to a grindr party - broke up the next day.

    Maaaaybe find hobbies.... Like funny forum posts

    Or... Stuff.... I unno... Do other stuff....
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    Apr 13, 2014 7:23 AM GMT
    Snaz saidEhh I never tried those apps. My neighbor did annnnd that was weird to witness. A bf brought me to a grindr party - broke up the next day.

    Maaaaybe find hobbies.... Like funny forum posts

    Or... Stuff.... I unno... Do other stuff....


    I do stuff, but I don't really meet anyone that way. I was in San Francisco last month...and I did stuff here and there, but in order to meet someone I did end up going to a bar. But, SF is a bit different though. I like the guys out there. They actually come up and talk to you at a bar. Not just stare at you. So, I used adam4adam for a few minutes and said screw it, I'm going down to Castro.

    BTW, what is a Grindr party??? never heard of that.
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    Apr 13, 2014 9:59 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 saidBoth guys, I met on either adam or grindr.


    Well friend, there's your answer. What baffles me sometimes is the profiles you find at 2am that read "NOT LOOKING FOR HOOKUPS! Dates only!". My first thoughts are '....Really? At 2AM, you're looking for guys to date long term??' It's like showing up at the Toyota dealer expecting to find BMW's. Not to say that it's impossible to find people on these sites actually looking for something long term and genuine, but can we all just agree already that these sites/apps are mainly for hook-ups? It's starting to become mainstream culturally accepted, for crying out loud.

    If you want the guys that are looking for long term relationships and genuinely seeking to get to know somebody, you need to go where they are - which is not on Grindr and Adam4adam (not the smart ones, at least). Try Okcupid - or better yet, getting off of the computer and out of the house.

    FuzzyPecs25 saidThen, the guy I went on a date last night was a total slut. We're hanging out, and then he starts showing me pics of his ex's dick on his phone...then while we were hanging out both before and after we had sex...he's browsing on grindr, which I thought was just so rude.


    While you're slut shaming these guys left and right, does it ever occur to you that you're the one that is having sex with them? What does that make you? Then you go on to say that you're considering becoming an escort and that you don't want to be slut-shamed yourself because people have no place to talk. I'm not trying to be rude here, but it sounds like you need to get your priorities straight. If you want respect, you have to give respect.

    The cycle you seem to be on seems very self-defeating and I'm glad at least you realize that you want something different. I'd say that the chance has to come from within yourself. Start by respecting yourself - and turning down these guys that you're referring to as "sluts" instead of allowing them to perpetuate the reputation (that you seem to be giving them).

    FuzzyPecs25 saidMy only issue about leaving online dating, is then I find myself going out to bars and clubs. Which I don't mind, because the results are better. But it's the whole drinking/drugs issue involved too.


    Again, try the websites that aren't pretty much exclusively for hooking up before you leave the online community over not being able to find anything (other than hook ups).

    Clubs and bars are okay; they are social atmospheres and you're expressing better satisfaction out of them as opposed to online dating. I'm unclear of what you mean when you say "drinking/drugs issue"; I've been to both sober and while drinking/on drugs, completely dependent on my decision making at the time. What I'm saying is that you don't have to do either to attend either establishment, but like my whole grindr/adam point, don't show up to the rave at 1AM expecting an after-work, more quiet/casual social hour.

    There are plenty of social options out there (events, shows, concerts, activities, groups, social clubs) each unlocking access to more social circles. You don't have to restrict yourself to clubs/bars to meet gay men; they are everywhere. They're not going to come to your front porch, presenting themselves to you with a full-on serenade outside of your window (although sometimes, I wish it were that easy).

    If I came off as abrasive, I apologize; I only meant what I said to be constructive.
  • sideout

    Posts: 57

    Apr 13, 2014 1:37 PM GMT
    Gotta agree here - some of the best ways to meet people in general are common interest groups. I look for a volleyball club wherever I go and it usually works out well. If not volleyball then there are loads of other sports to try - most of them are a social excuse even if they are competitive leagues. People are a lot less likely to assume sex if you meet them in person at a game you're both interested in. Meeting on Grindr your common interest initially is sex so that kind of sets the tone...
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    Apr 13, 2014 2:38 PM GMT
    hm, well what are your conversations with these guys? Can you tell from what they say in your chats that he wants just a certain thing? I've tried the whole grindr thing and really wasn't my cup of tea either, I met like one nice guy but- overall grindr is just asking for trouble.

    You seem like a nice guy, I just pray that you don't give up because there is one great guy out there that is just waiting for you I know it.

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    Apr 13, 2014 3:19 PM GMT
    Time to find a new pond to fish in! When you're not catching what you want then perhaps you're looking in the wrong places! Try joining groups getting together to do things you like. Meetup.com has some good groups, especially in larger cities.
  • C_Dezi

    Posts: 134

    Apr 13, 2014 3:50 PM GMT
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. thank you for my morning laugh. i really needed that. fuzzy pecs, buddy, i now understand why some women turn into lesbians, it's men like you... why are you looking for 'friends' on grindr? were you dropped on your head as a baby? why are you going on 'dates' with guys that you don't want to have sex with? are you NEW? why are you criticizing some guy for 'being too sexual' AFTER you've already had sex with him? i'm sure god is patting himself on the back right now for making you gay so that you won't procreate. the hypocrisy is sickening. as much as the thought of ending up on a fateful nightmare date with you in the first place. definitely wouldn't be getting any sexual reasons from me to gripe about online. bitch, please!
  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 511

    Apr 13, 2014 4:25 PM GMT
    I just got off all the apps and sites. Deleted grindr, okcupid, match, howaboutwe, jack'd, scruff, adam4adam, which I had for 7 years. I realize that at times, these sites serve a purpose. Despite the reputation of a site, that might be the only online option depending on your location. Having friends from CO, I'm told the gay population is very spread out and integrated with activity-based locales.

    I find there's less pressure to find someone when you're not always signing on to check messages. And there's no disappointment from someone failing to meet your expectations when you meet them in person. I feel so much freer. I have more time to invest in myself. When I have met guys in person, there's no pressure to make it go somewhere. I didn't have that initial investment of time and emotional resources that I felt I needed to capitalize on. I've been off online dating for a month and no regrets.

    I agree with Rolfron...no need to slut-shame. You're just looking for something else, kinda. There are plenty of people online who aren't looking to sleep around, but it takes a lot to weed through. And it doesn't sound like you do too well weeding them out online, so you're better off trying your hand in person. LGBTQ sports groups are a great way to have fun and expand your network of friends. You may not meet someone in that group, but friends of friends is a powerful force.
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    Apr 13, 2014 4:47 PM GMT
    I think RolfRon and C_Dezi pretty much nailed it. You attract douchebags because you're acting like a douchebag.
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    Apr 13, 2014 5:03 PM GMT
    What Rolfron said. I couldn't have said it better, and I'm glad I didn't have to. There is definitely an internal contradiction in your complaint.
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    Apr 13, 2014 5:40 PM GMT
    Apps are not to blame. Sluts are sluts, in or out of these apps. Sluts were common before any computer was invented. Finding someone who's into something more than just casual sex is hard, online or offline.
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    Apr 13, 2014 6:29 PM GMT
    bachian saidApps are not to blame. Sluts are sluts, in or out of these apps. Sluts were common before any computer was invented. Finding someone who's into something more than just casual sex is hard, online or offline.


    Can we at least agree that it's going to be a lot harder to find something other than casual sex if the only places you're looking for connections are apps that facilitate and encourage casual sex?
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    Apr 13, 2014 6:35 PM GMT
    It was a party hosted by people that made grindr?

    With people that use grindr?

    Stayed for like an hour and was like ewwwwwww
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    Apr 13, 2014 7:00 PM GMT
    Rolfron saidIt's like showing up at the Toyota dealer expecting to find BMW's.
    racist1.gif
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    Apr 13, 2014 7:08 PM GMT
    Rolfron said
    bachian saidApps are not to blame. Sluts are sluts, in or out of these apps. Sluts were common before any computer was invented. Finding someone who's into something more than just casual sex is hard, online or offline.


    Can we at least agree that it's going to be a lot harder to find something other than casual sex if the only places you're looking for connections are apps that facilitate and encourage casual sex?


    Rolfron, grindr's creator himself said he didn't intend grindr to be a hookup app. That which gave grindr this infamy wasn't the application, but its users. Even if there was an encouragement its users are not marionettes blindly following what the app was "intended for". Too many men want nothing but casual sex and grindr's reputation simply reflects this common behavior.

    In the subtext of this grindr criticism I see a belief that, supposedly, somewhere over the rainbow there's a place where you'll find nothing but LTR oriented guys, which would free you from the burden of weeding out the whores. I don't believe there is such a place, regardless of what this place was "intended for". The job of weeding out the whores is integral to the search for a LTR and you should exert proper judgment anywhere you're looking for a partner.

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    Apr 13, 2014 7:15 PM GMT
    Well, if you want to find somebody, then Grindr, etc. isn't the best place... I mean, they're known to be slutty, superficial, and totally about who can edit their photos the best. I'm considering closing mine as well... I can't share myself through slutty photos, or IMing - I'm worth more than that.
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    Apr 13, 2014 7:40 PM GMT
    It's a drawback. The nice thing is you be completely tactless in what you say and nobody's going to throw a drink at you. However, if your experience is that guys only want sex, you should drop Grindr in favor of sites like RJ. You can talk in the forums and nobody expects you to fly to Oslo for a one night stand!
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Apr 13, 2014 7:56 PM GMT
    SWIMGUYCHICAGO saidIt's a drawback. The nice thing is you be completely tactless in what you say and nobody's going to throw a drink at you. However, if your experience is that guys only want sex, you should drop Grindr in favor of sites like RJ. You can talk in the forums and nobody expects you to fly to Oslo for a one night stand!

    That's exactly why I dropped A4A ... it was pretty clear after a few weeks that guys on there weren't looking for anything more than a hookup
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    Apr 13, 2014 9:16 PM GMT
    Rolfron said
    While you're slut shaming these guys left and right, does it ever occur to you that you're the one that is having sex with them? What does that make you? Then you go on to say that you're considering becoming an escort and that you don't want to be slut-shamed yourself because people have no place to talk.

    I've already admitted what I am about. Yes, it does make me a slut. And yes, I may re-think it after the fact, but when you're bored on a Friday night, sometimes you just have to go with the most convenient option lol. All these guys I met, we had a good time...But, the point I was making was, if push came to shove, if I'm going to be hooking up...and nothing more, I'd rather have something to show for it. Not hooking up with these guys for free. Although I don't really meet for free anyway because it's always going to involve them spending some sort of money to see me.

    Rolfron saidI'm unclear of what you mean when you say "drinking/drugs issue"; I've been to both sober and while drinking/on drugs, completely dependent on my decision making at the time.

    Well, you know. You go out, have a couple of drinks (I'm one of those types that can't go to a bar and be 100% sober and not have a drink. It defeats the purpose of being there, not to mention you look BROKE, especially being a Black person...that's why many Black clubs/bars charge a ridiculous cover, thinking we won't buy any drinks). Plus, it's very hard to socialize when you're sober and everyone else is buzzed. It's like a drunk person going into a library.

    But, the issue is..sometimes meeting behind behind beer goggles, getting hungover the next day, and many (not every, many) guys in bars/clubs are substance users (aka, druggies)
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    Apr 13, 2014 9:17 PM GMT
    bachian saidRolfron, grindr's creator himself said he didn't intend grindr to be a hookup app. That which gave grindr this infamy wasn't the application, but its users. Even if there was an encouragement its users are not marionettes blindly following what the app was "intended for". Too many men want nothing but casual sex and grindr's reputation simply reflects this common behavior.

    In the subtext of this grindr criticism I see a belief that, supposedly, somewhere over the rainbow there's a place where you'll find nothing but LTR oriented guys, which would free you from the burden of weeding out the whores. I don't believe there is such a place, regardless of what this place was "intended for". The job of weeding out the whores is integral to the search for a LTR and you should exert proper judgment anywhere you're looking for a partner.



    You didn't answer my question; you're taking the subtext of my criticism to the extreme.

    I get what you're saying and you make a good observation. However, regardless of what the creators of grindr or adam4adam say and intend, these sites are mainly used for hook-ups and sexual interests, by the majority. I'm speaking purely from personal experience and what's becoming more and more commonly accepted; what seems to be the experience of pretty much everyone I've talked to about grindr.

    The only thing I'm implying is that you're less likely to find something genuine and LTR oriented looking on grindr/adam4adam. This isn't to say that everywhere else you look, everyone is innocent and you'll find nothing but good guys with the best intentions.
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    Apr 13, 2014 9:46 PM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 said
    I've already admitted what I am about. Yes, it does make me a slut. And yes, I am upset about it after the fact, but when you're bored on a Friday night, sometimes you just have to go with the most convenient option lol. But, the point I was making was, if push came to shove, if I'm going to be hooking up...and nothing more, I'd rather have something to show for it. Not hooking up with these guys for free. Although I don't really meet for free anyway because it's always going to involve them spending some sort of money to see me.


    Well then I don't know why you're complaining.


    FuzzyPecs25 said
    Well, you know. You go out, have a couple of drinks (I'm one of those types that can't go to a bar and be 100% sober and not have a drink. It defeats the purpose of being there, not to mention you look BROKE, especially being a Black person...that's why many Black clubs/bars charge a ridiculous cover, thinking we won't buy any drinks).

    But, the issue is..sometimes meeting behind behind beer goggles, getting hungover the next day, and many (not every, many) guys in bars/clubs are users.


    You dont have to go out and get blackout drunk; the purpose of bars/clubs isn't to be blackout drunk or rolling out of your mind. They are social establishments; they serve alcohol as an option and if you look in the right spots, you can find other mind-altering substances. Those are optional decisions, not mandatory requirements.

    I'm not sure if you're saying that I look broke or trying to make some sort of expression about race - or both, nor do I see how either is related to the topic. In Philadelphia, the bars/clubs that I go to are pretty diverse and colorful filled with natives, transplants and people from all around the world; I rarely ever experience those kinds of issues. That's unfortunate if you live in a divided area.
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    Apr 13, 2014 9:57 PM GMT
    Two examples of free sites which are more dating-oriented:

    POF.com and OKCupid.com
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    Apr 13, 2014 10:30 PM GMT
    I can only speak for myself as I say this....a HUGE deliverance for me. The same scrub$ I see on A4A, Grindr, have all sorts of agendas up their sleeves, period. After leaving those said sites, I had a bit of dirt on those who just didn't care to know better. First impressions leave an everlasting mark on one's character. It amazes me to know this saying as time goes on...

    When someone shows you who they are, believe them. - Maya Angelou.

    I keep a safety word in the event I end up encountering these lo$ers... so, "You're good, you keep that" is the norm they get out of me icon_cool.gif
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    Apr 14, 2014 1:06 AM GMT
    Varus saidhm, well what are your conversations with these guys? Can you tell from what they say in your chats that he wants just a certain thing?

    Real quotes from last 2 days a4a (read from bottom up):

    Him: No response
    Me (1 hr ago) I don't do hookups. But I'm open to meet and see where it leads.
    anonymous (1 hr ago) U want get fun
    me (1 hr ago) Good, At the gym, and seeing if anything interesting is happening.
    me (1 hr ago) Hey how's it going
    him(1 hr ago) Sup


    and...

    Me(20 hrs ago) I already got off today (i told him that because we met in the past, and then when I hit him back to hangout, he gave me the "I have a boyfriend" bullshit excuse.)
    Him(21 hrs ago) Wanna fuck?