Is it wrong to aim high in the dating game ?

  • GettingFitter

    Posts: 158

    Dec 30, 2008 8:13 AM GMT
    I admit that I am not that good of a looker and my physique is not nearly good enough to go head to head with a lot of the sexy and fit guys on this site, but I am getting there and am happy with my results so far so am not complaining that much. I knew it was not gonna be easy and so am happy with how I am going so far.

    My problem is that the type of guys I fall for usually do not go for Mr Average guys like myself, yet despite my brain telling me this I cannot help but fall head over heels in lust/love with the jock type of guy that I see so often in the clubs and in the gay magazines and media aimed at the type of guys that frequent this site. You only have to see who I have on my HOT list to see what type of physique and look I get weak kneed over.

    So I guess my question really is, should I wait until I am really fit so I got a shot at getting my own real jock 'jock', or just settle for someone outside what I am attracted to and be happy with what I got ?
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    Dec 30, 2008 8:59 AM GMT

    "...or just settle for someone outside what I am attracted to and be happy with what I got ?"

    Nope. Never do that. If you're not attracted to a person, you insult him and hurt him by leading him into a relationship where the attraction is only one-sided.

    What you might find is that the rugged example of muscled he-man Adonis is different when up close and personal than when seen from afar.

    What a person finds attractive and a turn-on may not always be the magazine perfect specimen.

    You may surprise yourself.
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    Dec 30, 2008 11:53 AM GMT
    I don't think it is wrong to aim high so long as it is tempered with realism. As the guy above said, it does no one any good to go into a relationship that is one sided. A line from the movie 'The Broken Hearts Club' kind of says it best. There are 4 central characters in the movie and one of them is what most would say is 'average', a little chubby, receding hairline. He clearly has issues because he perceives himself as less than his other pals. The owner of the restaurant/bar that he works at tells him after hearing him say he always feels like he is on the outside looking in and really can't figure out why he is friends with them. The owner tells him that we all can't be beautiful. Someone has to be average. There is a lot of power in that statement.

    Can you in your present physical shape get a boyfriend who is the equivalent of Michealangelo's David? Probably, but would you really want to do that knowing you most likely would be comparing yourself to the one that picked you? Who is that fair to. Not you and certainly not your potential boyfriend. You say you are attracted to the real jock type of guy, but I wonder if you realize that there is more to a guy that his body? We are the worst at objectifying people (gay men). While there are 'total packages' on this site and of course that is subjective and I am sure there are in your area, I think you might be better served at this point in time concentrating on yourself and your current goals, maybe becoming friends with some people who are physically at a place that you want to get to and then go from there. I don't really know what 'average' is to you, but it may be different for someone else and you don't have a pic up to view. All that aside, your jock guy may just be right there waiting for you to speak up, so keep going. Best of luck to you on your transformation and your guy search.
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    Dec 30, 2008 12:06 PM GMT
    Here is some conventional wisdom: settle for what you least want so that you will always get it. I have yet to find a cross-bred, neo-Nazi, hunchback midget...Meanwhile I will just have to be satisfied with dating Matt Damon. icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 30, 2008 1:03 PM GMT
    If you're aiming your love arrows anywhere, you're not likely to hit your target.
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    Dec 30, 2008 2:04 PM GMT
    Dates are like job interviews. Every date / job interview can be a learning experience. Even if you are not overly interested in the guy / job, its a chance to sharpen your skills.

    You don't have to think of a date as leading someone one on. Its just a date.

    On the flip side, you may find that your really do like the guy even if initially he was not your flavor.
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    Dec 30, 2008 3:05 PM GMT
    It's a lot easier to date someone who is more or less at the same level of physical attractiveness. If one party is much better looking, he'll be likely to be less giving in the relationship because he knows he doesn't have to make much effort to keep your attention. You, on the other hand, will be insecure and distrusting because you know he has lots of chances to stray. Your insecurity and distrust will make you less appealing to your BF and will eventually poison the relationship. (This is a nutshell history of what happened with one of my exes).

    Of course there are lots of exceptions. The best potential mates are those who are interested in the whole person. But the reality is that any relationship is going to start as a physical attraction and hopefully go on from there.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Dec 30, 2008 3:17 PM GMT
    GettingFitter saidI admit that I am not that good of a looker and my physique is not nearly good enough to go head to head with a lot of the sexy and fit guys on this site, but I am getting there and am happy with my results so far so am not complaining that much. I knew it was not gonna be easy and so am happy with how I am going so far.

    My problem is that the type of guys I fall for usually do not go for Mr Average guys like myself, yet despite my brain telling me this I cannot help but fall head over heels in lust/love with the jock type of guy that I see so often in the clubs and in the gay magazines and media aimed at the type of guys that frequent this site. You only have to see who I have on my HOT list to see what type of physique and look I get weak kneed over.

    So I guess my question really is, should I wait until I am really fit so I got a shot at getting my own real jock 'jock', or just settle for someone outside what I am attracted to and be happy with what I got ?


    I think your own body issues are the root of your attraction. I think you feel deep down that if you can't be 'that guy' then you want to have 'that guy'. There's more to attraction than the physical.
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    Dec 30, 2008 3:20 PM GMT
    A recent study (can't quote) that a lot of the people today live in the Cinderella Story (Those romantic comedies of the cut emeeting of two nearly perfect people and they fall in love).

    I fear you like so many are in this Cinderella Story. You dream of the hunky jock. Lusting for the body and the physical attraction. Chances are even if you found him, you wouldn't find any emotional, or mental attraction. Or are you one of those who would be happy fucking a great body and nothing more?

    So first keep up with your personal fitness goals. Get to the place where you are happy with yourself first. then sit down and set your emotional and mental needs in a man. Then with the great new body, and knowing what you need in the rest of him you might have a chance. old saying "be the man you want to find". It's very true.
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    Dec 30, 2008 4:02 PM GMT
    NEVER SETTLE!
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    Dec 30, 2008 4:03 PM GMT
    you should wake up and realize, it's not the cover of the book you fall in love with, it's the story inside...





    analogy, anyone?
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    Dec 30, 2008 4:19 PM GMT
    It sounds like you don't want to date these guys but just want to fuck them, which is fine. From the post, your sole criteria for selecting someone to try an date is how hot they are. Relationships are made of more than an ass you could sleep in.

    The good news is, it is a lot easier to just hook up with a guy than it is to pin them down for a date.
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    Dec 31, 2008 11:43 PM GMT
    o man, you'd be surprised how many classically beautiful men are attracted to 'ordinary' types. But ultimately if the defining characteristic you seek in a partner is physical beauty, then you're bound to be disappointed. The superficial should only be pursued when it goes along with something deeper.
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    Dec 31, 2008 11:49 PM GMT
    collegeswimmr saido man, you'd be surprised how many classically beautiful men are attracted to 'ordinary' types. But ultimately if the defining characteristic you seek in a partner is physical beauty, then you're bound to be disappointed. The superficial should only be pursued when it goes along with something deeper.

    What if you are superficial?
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    Dec 31, 2008 11:55 PM GMT
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    Jan 01, 2009 12:28 AM GMT
    Here's my take on aiming high in the dating game...

    5 is the number of things a guy must have for me to like him; i.e., decency, dignity, integrity, self-respect & last but not least, loyalty.

    4 is the number of languages he must be able to speak fluently, as well as teach me in the long run.

    3 is the number of job he must be willing to take on. (2 jobs already but making me laugh & smile ought to make 3.)

    2 is number of people together, who eventually become 1.

    I do aim high in the "dating game" here in my neck of the woods. But it seems not very many guys here in my area meet them. They can have the house, car(s), money & whatnot to the fullest of their hearts but if they are out of shape & are asking for a well-equipped, height/weight proportionate lover to call their own, they need to seriously take a look in the mirror before they shout out what they cannot bring to the table. That, my friends, is my take to aiming high on the "dating game". Another thing that I agree with on what are some of the other posts here...NEVER SETTLE! If you EVER settle for someone just for showing you the slightest bit of attention or because you gave up on looking for that "perfect specimen", you'll be setting yourself up for major disappointments. Others call me superficial but I know better. I don't ask for what I can't bring to the table.

    Any other questions?
  • GettingFitter

    Posts: 158

    Feb 06, 2009 11:39 AM GMT
    TheWayItIs saidHere's my take on aiming high in the dating game...

    5 is the number of things a guy must have for me to like him; i.e., decency, dignity, integrity, self-respect & last but not least, loyalty.

    4 is the number of languages he must be able to speak fluently, as well as teach me in the long run.

    3 is the number of job he must be willing to take on. (2 jobs already but making me laugh & smile ought to make 3.)

    2 is number of people together, who eventually become 1.

    I do aim high in the "dating game" here in my neck of the woods. But it seems not very many guys here in my area meet them. They can have the house, car(s), money & whatnot to the fullest of their hearts but if they are out of shape & are asking for a well-equipped, height/weight proportionate lover to call their own, they need to seriously take a look in the mirror before they shout out what they cannot bring to the table. That, my friends, is my take to aiming high on the "dating game". Another thing that I agree with on what are some of the other posts here...NEVER SETTLE! If you EVER settle for someone just for showing you the slightest bit of attention or because you gave up on looking for that "perfect specimen", you'll be setting yourself up for major disappointments. Others call me superficial but I know better. I don't ask for what I can't bring to the table.

    Any other questions?


    So I can still chase after the sexy rugby league player look a like I saw down at the night club last weekend lol ?

    I just think that sometimes it is better to let the fantasy just be that and at least be with someone who wants you for something just for the night and be happy with that. So far it just seems stupid to expect anything else to happen with some bloke, let alone some guy who would be my ideal fantasy bloke come to life.
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    Feb 06, 2009 11:51 AM GMT
    Oh, please... telling yourself that the 'jocks' you are talking about are not in your league is actually what makes you out of theirs, simply because they are confident and you are not.
    Stop thinking about abs and hours spent in the gym and really put yourself out there, so that the people who like you, can really like you icon_smile.gif

    There is no bigger turn off then a low self esteem.
    I have been with guys who can be easily mistaken with underwear models and it's not because of my "great body" ;)
  • GettingFitter

    Posts: 158

    Feb 06, 2009 11:57 AM GMT
    TheWayItIs saidHere's my take on aiming high in the dating game...

    5 is the number of things a guy must have for me to like him; i.e., decency, dignity, integrity, self-respect & last but not least, loyalty.

    4 is the number of languages he must be able to speak fluently, as well as teach me in the long run.

    3 is the number of job he must be willing to take on. (2 jobs already but making me laugh & smile ought to make 3.)

    2 is number of people together, who eventually become 1.

    I do aim high in the "dating game" here in my neck of the woods. But it seems not very many guys here in my area meet them. They can have the house, car(s), money & whatnot to the fullest of their hearts but if they are out of shape & are asking for a well-equipped, height/weight proportionate lover to call their own, they need to seriously take a look in the mirror before they shout out what they cannot bring to the table. That, my friends, is my take to aiming high on the "dating game". Another thing that I agree with on what are some of the other posts here...NEVER SETTLE! If you EVER settle for someone just for showing you the slightest bit of attention or because you gave up on looking for that "perfect specimen", you'll be setting yourself up for major disappointments. Others call me superficial but I know better. I don't ask for what I can't bring to the table.

    Any other questions?


    So I can still chase after the sexy rugby league player look a like I saw down at the night club last weekend lol ?
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    Feb 06, 2009 12:48 PM GMT
    Christ no, it's not wrong! Definitely aim high.
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    Feb 06, 2009 9:03 PM GMT
    Aim HIGH! Conquer the WORLD! mwahaha.gif
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    Feb 06, 2009 9:08 PM GMT
    Too many gay men are convinced their lives are fairy tales (i.e., "Mr. Right will come along and fit XYZ")...have no expectations and you'll do much better, I say.icon_evil.gif
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    Feb 06, 2009 9:13 PM GMT
    Do not settle for someone you are not that attracted to. Usually after six months the fuck like bunnies stage starts to wane. If you do not find the guy that attractive chances are your relationship will die a slow and painful death due to a lack of sexual activity.

    Take heart, you would be surprised how individualistic people are in terms of who they find attractive. Not everyone is chasing after the same guys. For me it is the face (especially the eyes), the butt and the guy's kind heart that get me excited. The "real jock" type usually don't do anything for me. For other guys it could be something as simple as chest hair, or the shape of the ears or even the feet!
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    Feb 06, 2009 9:13 PM GMT
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  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Feb 06, 2009 9:38 PM GMT
    It can seem cold, it can seem clinical, heck even sociopathic, but here's a way to look at it.

    Look at dating like a negotiating table between foreign powers. You have your desires, and you have your bargaining chips. And, of course, so does he.

    Your body is a bargaining chip. A big one. It is not, however, the only one.

    You can also offer your:

    Brain
    Love
    Cooking skills
    Money
    Etc.

    When actually explicitly stated, it sounds cold, but the fact is that's how we all go in to dating. Many presume the other side wants certain things, like love, for example. But they may not. Heck, you may not.

    Some people will happily give you their "body" chit for your "secure well paying job" and "can make thneeds from truffula tufts" chits.

    This is not the same as "settling." This is recognizing that you have a set of desires, and so does he, and in any negotiation, some of those can be given up in order to form an alliance, without losing the spirit of the deal.

    So, if for you the "jock body" chit is really important, you just have to find someone with that chit to trade, who's willing to deal for other chits in return.