Having a hard time being exlusively bottom...

  • soul2rend

    Posts: 3

    Apr 16, 2014 2:44 PM GMT
    Hi guys

    I desperately need advice. I am in a relationship with a top guy and I am versitile, so in this relationship i am forced to be exclusely bottom. I enjoy being bottom and all but at times I want to be top. My boyfriend caught me cheating with a bottom guy. I told him i did it because I wanted to be top for a change. He told me he is willing to try and be versitile also so that i can also be fully satisfied with our relationship. I said i would think about it. Problem is, I am very picky when it comes to the kinda guy I top, and he doesnt fit the description. He is 9 years older than me and I only top younger guys. He is bald, tall and is a little on the heavy side. I like my bottoms short to medium height, skinny or athletic, and extremely gorgeous. Underwear models type of guys. I'm not picky at all when it comes to tops as long as they can handle their business in bed, and he is my bed top yet, and I dont wanna loose him. However i will always have the urge to cheat on him because i'm honestly not happy being exclusively bottom, and would never top him in my wildest nightmares... Would it be a good idea for me to try a 3-man relationship (or whatever its called) because that is seriously what I'm thinking. Any ideas what I need to do?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 16, 2014 3:03 PM GMT
    facepalm.jpg
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 16, 2014 3:19 PM GMT
    Truppensturm saidfacepalm.jpg


    Sorry OP, but I agree with this pic.

    Your bf is a top only, you don't want to be a bottom only, so you cheated on the BF, but you also don't want to top your bf because he doesn't attract you that way.

    ...your poor BF.


    I think you need to talk about ALL of this with your BF and allow HIM to decide whether he wishes to stay with you or not.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 16, 2014 3:25 PM GMT
    It's not fair on your bf, I'm sure you knew he was a top before entering your relationship and were find with it..and he says he will even bottom for you??? well now you have excuses to cheat because you don't find your bf attractive?? Just break it off and save your bf the drama
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 16, 2014 5:04 PM GMT

    You cheated because you couldn't top , really mate icon_eek.gif
    Your boyfriend is way to lenient with you ...
  • soul2rend

    Posts: 3

    Apr 16, 2014 5:14 PM GMT
    _Behemoth_ saidIt's not fair on your bf, I'm sure you knew he was a top before entering your relationship and were find with it..and he says he will even bottom for you??? well now you have excuses to cheat because you don't find your bf attractive?? Just break it off and save your bf the drama


    I tried more than once to break up with him hey, and everytime he would ask me to stay, believe me. He would pull all sorts of emotional blackmail oon me. I know from the post i sounded like a selfish ungrateful guy but I'm actually a very sympathetic person. He has introduced me to his friends, his family and his children from when he was married, and has made all sorts of future plans for us and we've only been dating a few months. I mean, he caught me cheating on him and he carried on like nothing happened. Blamed himself mostly and asked me to tell him how he can be better? I'm afraid leaving him would destroy him...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 16, 2014 5:32 PM GMT
    soul2rend saidI'm afraid leaving him would destroy him...


    This really isn't a good reason to stay with anybody you're unhappy with.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 16, 2014 5:53 PM GMT
    Find another boyfriend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 16, 2014 6:00 PM GMT
    I'm sorry to say, but if 'sex' is the glue that's holding you both together, then it isn't a relationship, or to say immature relationship if you need clearer understanding.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 16, 2014 6:26 PM GMT
    Rolfron said
    soul2rend saidI'm afraid leaving him would destroy him...


    This really isn't a good reason to stay with anybody you're unhappy with.


    I am agree icon_exclaim.gif
  • rugbyjockca

    Posts: 84

    Apr 16, 2014 6:27 PM GMT
    You've been dating only a couple of months, you're sexually incompatible, you've already cheated on him, you've already tried to break up with him several times, and he emotionally manipulated you into staying because you're concerned he would be destroyed if you left?

    Nope, nothing wrong there. Sounds like you're on the right track to a loving and lasting relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 16, 2014 7:29 PM GMT
    Lol hey we have something in common. I like cute, young, model types bottom guys too. Hahaha, ok, beside this, you two are sexually incompatible. You're ok with a chub top but will cheat and find a hot young bottom piece of ass. Break it off and be single 100% and you can do whatever you want without the guilt. Right now, you're just stringing him along. I'm Versatile, my ex like to top way too much. Lol, I eventually lost interest in bed and moved on. We broke up yeah.
  • kentstrongtom...

    Posts: 1294

    Apr 16, 2014 9:28 PM GMT
    Why did you let him invest so much emotionally in the first place? He might think ur the one but he also might have a low self confidence, i can tell that due to your description on him. I'm not judging you. Just have a long, honest conversation with him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 16, 2014 9:30 PM GMT
    Your "boyfriend" who is willing to adapt to fulfil your sexual needs deserves better then your arse.

    I'd suggest you leave him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 16, 2014 9:33 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidYour "boyfriend" who is willing to adapt to fulfil your sexual needs deserves better then your arse.

    I'd suggest you leave him.
    agreed It's not fair. Break it off..he will survive then maybe find a guy who is really into him
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 16, 2014 11:45 PM GMT
    Judgmentalism aside, the situation brings to mind how complex is sexuality.

    Not everyone is versatile, certainly not with each other, and no one should have to be strapped into conditions that keep them from being sexually satisfied (assuming they are not harming others, of course). Depending upon chemistry, different people affect each other's sexuality in different ways.

    From what I've read here, it sounds like the ideal situation for the OP would be a sexually open or a polyamorous relationship assuming your partner is okay with that. Cheating on him is never okay. Cheating yourself is not so very okay either.
  • soul2rend

    Posts: 3

    Apr 17, 2014 8:19 AM GMT
    theantijock said

    From what I've read here, it sounds like the ideal situation for the OP would be a sexually open or a polyamorous relationship assuming your partner is okay with that. Cheating on him is never okay. Cheating yourself is not so very okay either.


    Omg man thank u so much. This is exactly what i need. Guys u dont understand... He has two children, both boys 7 and 12 years old. We get along so much that they refuse to come over if i'm not around so he would lie and say i am at his house then would call me and beg me to come over for that weekend. Now thats one of the things he uses when i try to leave him and i feel guilty...

    So thanks guys for ur input...
  • buddycat

    Posts: 1874

    Apr 17, 2014 8:41 AM GMT
    The boyfriend stayed with you? I don't even know what you are looking for and certainly doesn't sound like you will be with that person for much longer. Maybe you just can't be satisfied with one man. This is the reason I am not into versatile men. Just give me a total top.
  • DBomb129

    Posts: 144

    Apr 17, 2014 10:18 AM GMT
    End it now. The more attached he gets and the more you cheat, the worse it'll get. End it before it before he feels like you owe him something or you feel that way because of guilt. This isn't gonna work, the emotional and sexual scales are unbalanced.

    His feelings will get hurt but you're both wasting time and adding fuel to the fire. You screwed up but he also has to take responsibility for his judgment and choices.

    End it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 17, 2014 3:11 PM GMT
    soul2rend saidOmg man thank u so much. This is exactly what i need. Guys u dont understand... He has two children, both boys 7 and 12 years old. We get along so much that they refuse to come over if i'm not around so he would lie and say i am at his house then would call me and beg me to come over for that weekend. Now thats one of the things he uses when i try to leave him and i feel guilty...


    You're welcome man. It just seemed to me like that was your situation and that you were being unfairly judged by either versatile guys who think there's something wrong with anyone who isn't versatile or maybe just guys who compromise themselves "for love" or whatever, all that determined by their own psyches.

    I'd caution that you be certain you're not using those kids as pawns. Certainly you should enjoy them too but if you've any roll to play there it would be first in facilitating a good relationship between them and their father. That in turn would remove that leverage of guilt off you. It does sound like you guys are playing some games with each other that you need to talk out.

    buddycat saidThe boyfriend stayed with you? I don't even know what you are looking for and certainly doesn't sound like you will be with that person for much longer. Maybe you just can't be satisfied with one man. This is the reason I am not into versatile men. Just give me a total top.


    Besides that having the capacity to enjoy more than one man is different from judging some supposed inability to "be satisfied with one man", I'm pretty sure you're not aware of what else you just did, but what a perfectly timed acknowledgment of how fragile a common delusion can be.

    So if I read you right, were you to find your so-called total top bottoming for another guy, you'd blame your bad feelings on being cheated, but it wouldn't really be that he was cheating with another guy, rather, that he was cheating on what you thought was his sexuality. That you'd think differently about him, that he might not even turn you on were you to discover that he wasn't the total top you fantasized.

    I hate to be the one to break it to ya, but News Flash: A total top is a guy who sucks dick, just not yours.
  • buddycat

    Posts: 1874

    Apr 17, 2014 7:26 PM GMT
    theantijock said
    soul2rend saidOmg man thank u so much. This is exactly what i need. Guys u dont understand... He has two children, both boys 7 and 12 years old. We get along so much that they refuse to come over if i'm not around so he would lie and say i am at his house then would call me and beg me to come over for that weekend. Now thats one of the things he uses when i try to leave him and i feel guilty...


    You're welcome man. It just seemed to me like that was your situation and that you were being unfairly judged by either versatile guys who think there's something wrong with anyone who isn't versatile or maybe just guys who compromise themselves "for love" or whatever, all that determined by their own psyches.

    I'd caution that you be certain you're not using those kids as pawns. Certainly you should enjoy them too but if you've any roll to play there it would be first in facilitating a good relationship between them and their father. That in turn would remove that leverage of guilt off you. It does sound like you guys are playing some games with each other that you need to talk out.

    buddycat saidThe boyfriend stayed with you? I don't even know what you are looking for and certainly doesn't sound like you will be with that person for much longer. Maybe you just can't be satisfied with one man. This is the reason I am not into versatile men. Just give me a total top.


    Besides that having the capacity to enjoy more than one man is different from judging some supposed inability to "be satisfied with one man", I'm pretty sure you're not aware of what else you just did, but what a perfectly timed acknowledgment of how fragile a common delusion can be.

    So if I read you right, were you to find your so-called total top bottoming for another guy, you'd blame your bad feelings on being cheated, but it wouldn't really be that he was cheating with another guy, rather, that he was cheating on what you thought was his sexuality. That you'd think differently about him, that he might not even turn you on were you to discover that he wasn't the total top you fantasized.

    I hate to be the one to break it to ya, but News Flash: A total top is a guy who sucks dick, just not yours.


    I don't understand what you even mean by this. I am not trying to judge it just he has different ideals for what he wants depending on what position he wants to do. I am not versatile, so I don't go through anything like that. If I was in love with someone perhaps I would be more versatile. Cheating is cheating and if someone needs to be with someone else, I would tell them to go be with them. My point is the OP seems to blame his cheating on his sex role. I don't even understand your news flash since you are making a generality about every guy out there.

    I personally would not have the issue that the OP is going through since I prefer to be exclusively bottom. I would certainly would have an issue if he felt the need to be a bottom and went out elsewhere, then we would be done.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 17, 2014 9:14 PM GMT
    Were only life so precise or sexuality so simple or men so one-dimensional.
  • buddycat

    Posts: 1874

    Apr 17, 2014 10:08 PM GMT
    theantijock saidWere only life so precise or sexuality so simple or men so one-dimensional.


    Right, you simply can't generalize. There are plenty of bottoms out there the OP's significant other could be with. This is obviously about the OP's cheating. Personally, I would have kicked his ass to the curb but obviously the OP's significant other is more forgiving.

    Studies have shown though that gay men are truthful about their sex roles. If a guy says they are a top, they are in fact a top. The issue is not that are not what I expected, the issue is that total tops have tendency to struggle with their sexuality and more likely to have sex with women. I would also not accept the excuse "I need to be with women sometimes". The OP new what he was going into from the get go and this is about his justification for cheating.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 18, 2014 12:37 AM GMT
    buddycat said... total tops have tendency to struggle with their sexuality and more likely to have sex with women....


    fascinating
  • buddycat

    Posts: 1874

    Apr 19, 2014 8:31 AM GMT
    theantijock said
    buddycat said... total tops have tendency to struggle with their sexuality and more likely to have sex with women....


    fascinating


    I read a research paper about gay sex roles. It actually stated that total tops were more likely to have had sex with a woman in the past 90 days.