Dating Rules

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    Dec 30, 2008 9:56 PM GMT
    I recently have been rebounding from a horrible dating experience that lasted 8 months. I dated this older man who slowly displayed signs of emotional and psychological instability, I don't mean personality quirks. I'm talking full on obsessive, anger management, coercive, manipulative bi-polar tendencies.

    When I tried to break it off he threatened to kill himself which freaked me out so I figured I'd spend several months weening him off our time together.

    Well it didn't work, he slept on my doorstep, broke into my home, stalked and harassed me, my friends and my boss in hopes of them "talking sense into me".

    So now two police reports, several calls to 911 and two restraining orders later I'm finally feeling brave enough to go on another date.

    A year ago I went out on a date with this incredibly nice, social, successful and attentive guy who I had a really pleasant time with. Sparks were not really flying but he was "safe" and "easy" to be with/around. We went out a few times but nothing ever came of it and we lost touch.

    A few weeks before Christmas he emailed me asking me out again. I was elated because I knew I desperately needed a positive dating experience for the sake of my sanity and emotional well being. This gem of a guy was a sure thing!... for my renewed faith in men that is.

    He was very reticent to discuss where he had been because of that "don't talk about your ex's when you're on a date" rule. After being engaged in litigation for 8 months and his huge emotional investment in his relationship, we weren't left with many interesting topics to talk about.

    Our date didn't get good till we started talking about the downward spirals of dating and relationships. We both acknowledge that we were in the "Forbidden Zone of the Ex's" but the sincerity and honesty that came out with discussing them was refreshing and real.

    Our connection while maybe not intensely chemically romantic, was sweet, fun, intimate and nurturing... what more can a guy ask for on a date?

    This leaves me to believe that some dating rules are meant to be broken... or maybe they're more like... "guidelines". He renewed my faith in men and all dating can be... thank god we talked about where we were or it would have been a pleasant, safe, BORING date.

    Some rules are definitely guidelines however, violating restraining orders and breaking and entering... I'm fairly certain those should be hard fast rules, no wiggle room for interpretation.
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    Dec 30, 2008 10:04 PM GMT
    What works, works. In this world we will meet psychos, and good guys. Your job is to identify which are which, and use whatever rules will help you to do that.

    If you've found a good guy, hang onto him. Let's hope the psycho is history.
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    Dec 30, 2008 10:20 PM GMT
    there are no real rules, more guide lines if anything, it all depends on how things are approached and articulated..

    Now.. if you want rules.. here are some that should never be broken.

    Shower
    Brush Teeth
    Dress nicely
    Arrive on time
    Be honest

    Pretty easy to follow.
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    Dec 30, 2008 11:00 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidthere are no real rules, more guide lines if anything, it all depends on how things are approached and articulated..

    Now.. if you want rules.. here are some that should never be broken.

    Shower
    Brush Teeth
    Dress nicely
    Arrive on time
    Be honest

    OMG!!! Arrive on time! How many gay guys can meet that standard?

    Almost none in my experience. Even many of my good friends can never arrive on time, no matter what the positive or negative incentives. They evidently view arriving late as their gay prerogative, no matter how much it may upset & inconvenience others. After all, it's all about them, isn't it?

    I've only met 2 gay men in my life who were consistently on time. One was my late partner, and the other is my current partner. If you can't be considerate & disciplined enough to be on time, don't even talk to me.
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    Dec 30, 2008 11:06 PM GMT
    I know what you mean, I tend to over estimate traffic and end up arriving 5 - 10 minutes early, I've met so many who are just so lack luster about it, they don't care, I don't mind 5 minutes either way personally, sometimes things will just get in the way, but when its gonna hit ten minutes, its a bit much and a call would be nice..

    my mates are good though, they tend to be on top or let me know how long there running late..

    Not looking forward to going back out into the dating world with all the stories I've read in this place hahaha
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    Dec 30, 2008 11:16 PM GMT
    I'm glad to hear things are looking up o_a_o! I wish you the best!

    As far as GST (gay standard time)...I have some friends who I know will ALWAYS arrive an hour late, so I tell them the party starts at 9 when it really starts at 10. Imagine their surprise when they are the first guest to arrive. icon_wink.gif

    My BF is a stickler about being on time. Speaking of "rules/guidelines," this was one area we had discussed when we began dating. I can't recall another time where I was ever late more than 10 minutes again.
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    Dec 30, 2008 11:23 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidI know what you mean, I tend to over estimate traffic and end up arriving 5 - 10 minutes early, I've met so many who are just so lack luster about it, they don't care, I don't mind 5 minutes either way personally, sometimes things will just get in the way, but when its gonna hit ten minutes, its a bit much and a call would be nice..

    my mates are good though, they tend to be on top or let me know how long there running late..

    Not looking forward to going back out into the dating world with all the stories I've read in this place hahaha

    Well truly, kudos to you and your mates in Australia, if you all have the good manners to arrive reasonably on time, or phone when you're running late. That habit is sadly lacking in the States.

    Here, chronic lateness is a gay trait, that's been raised to the level of a privilege. American gay men think their personal importance is enhanced if they keep others waiting for them, sort of the celebrity syndrome.

    Unfortunately, few of these gay men are ever actual celebrities, except in their own imaginations. Their selfish indulgence, at the expense & inconvenience of others, merely represents a childish egotism that promotes the popular notion that gay men are victims of immature emotional development.

    Can we have some grown-up American gay men with a pair of real balls, please?
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    Dec 31, 2008 3:48 AM GMT
    Red_VespaHere, chronic lateness is a gay trait, that's been raised to the level of a privilege. American gay men think their personal importance is enhanced if they keep others waiting for them, sort of the celebrity syndrome.

    Unfortunately, few of these gay men are ever actual celebrities, except in their own imaginations. Their selfish indulgence, at the expense & inconvenience of others, merely represents a childish egotism that promotes the popular notion that gay men are victims of immature emotional development.


    I'm on time, usually a bit early, guys get a 20 minute grace period to call and let me know what's going on otherwise I'm out. The types of guys who are blatantly disrespectful and believe they're on the A-List typically don't like me. I'm not rude, mean, or condescending to anyone, but I don't place anyone that I'm just getting to know on too high a pedestal and they can't stand that.
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    Dec 31, 2008 4:05 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa said

    Even many of my good friends can never arrive on time, no matter what the positive or negative incentives. They evidently view arriving late as their gay prerogative, no matter how much it may upset & inconvenience others. After all, it's all about them, isn't it?


    There is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING I hate more than being forced to wait for someone. It stresses me out beyond belief. Even when it's something trivial, I try to arrive on time to save others from that stress. If the other person/people do not arrive on time, I will go into panic-stress mode and freak out. Worries like these loop through my head: We're gonna be late! I'm gonna miss the movie! I'm gonna get bad standing-space at the concert! I'm gonna be turned away at the door of the show! If this person makes me get sub-optimal position for enjoyment of this event, I will strangle them. What right to they have to waste my time like this!? Does this person not like me? Do they respect me that little? Maybe they won't show! Ahhhhhhhh!

    My best friend since high school (he's straight, so this isn't entirely endemic of gays) has a serious problem with this. I swear, some of the most stressful moments in my life have involved waiting for him to show up five minutes late to a movie or concert while I have his ticket to get in. Just thinking about it infuriates me!!! Grrr.

    I always try to be on time because it's respectful. There is nothing more valuable than time, and it is wrong for anyone to waste anyone else's.
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    Dec 31, 2008 4:09 AM GMT
    There are no rules. Everything is on a case by case basis. Some people say you shouldn't discuss politics, religion, work, or exes. But if the subject comes up and it's something you connect on, forget those rules. Otherwise you may stifle a very good relationship in the making just for the sake of following someone else's arbitrary "rules".
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    Dec 31, 2008 5:16 AM GMT
    GOOD FOR YOU over_and_over!!!!

    I'm so sorry about the nut you let in your life, but so very happy that you've moved on. I've recently started seeing the "Nice Guy." I know it can be wierd, not having that instant passion for one another, but I sure as hell am going to see where it goes before writing him off. Glad to see I'm not the only guy out there willing to do this. Isn't it wonderful to have a date with a good guy?