How many guys here were disowned by their parents early in life?

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    Apr 18, 2014 8:18 PM GMT
    Just wondering. There must be loads of guys that have. When I moved out to go to college, my parents changed the locks, put in a security system, and told me I couldn't come over unless they told me I could. So it was a subtle move.
    They realized I was gay when I was young, I had a step mom that only liked her own children, so on.
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    Apr 18, 2014 9:01 PM GMT
    Well that sucks.

    For me it was the reverse; my mother is a rabid born again Christian who couldn't say anything to me except that I was going to burn in Hell unless I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior.
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    Apr 18, 2014 9:25 PM GMT
    Ehhhhhhhhhh

    My parents raised me to be a companion. Sooooo....
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    Apr 18, 2014 9:27 PM GMT
    bradomo saidJust wondering. There must be loads of guys that have. When I moved out to go to college, my parents changed the locks, put in a security system, and told me I couldn't come over unless they told me I could. So it was a subtle move. I was also eliminated on a will pretty much.

    Can we assume that they knew you were gay? Otherwise it seems exceptionally strange.
  • saras

    Posts: 29

    Apr 19, 2014 9:54 AM GMT
    yep. my folks threatened to disown me if i didn't 'get rid of my bad habits'.
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    Apr 19, 2014 12:40 PM GMT
    I disowned my parents instead
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    Apr 19, 2014 3:18 PM GMT
    I sometimes wish mine had instead of giving me this wishy-washy, waffletastic approach that they do. The do and say awful things (that they don't realize are such) and then turn around and do wonderful, nice favors and things. The fact that they pay my tuition is a big one. That being said, once I graduate and can support myself I most likely will sever ties with them unless they can associate with me on my terms
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    Apr 19, 2014 3:21 PM GMT
    I left home at 16 and didn't speak to my parents for almost ten years.
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    Apr 19, 2014 4:25 PM GMT
    bradomo saidJust wondering. There must be loads of guys that have. When I moved out to go to college, my parents changed the locks, put in a security system, and told me I couldn't come over unless they told me I could. So it was a subtle move.
    They realized I was gay when I was young, I had a step mom that only liked her own children, so on.

    OMG, I just can NOT imagine this. As a parent, I could never do this to my child unless there was some violent/threat issues.

    It always amazes me to hear these stories, especially from younger guys. As a parent, I want my children safe and always to have a safe place to land if they need help. I guess our love over powers any issues that any of them have. I just can not understand what some parents do to their own children.
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    Apr 19, 2014 5:43 PM GMT
    Not so much a question of 'were' rather 'will' in my case. My parents (both prominent pastors) are incredibly homophobic, cursing "faggots" to hell on a daily basis. That, and the fact that they still pay my tuition (studying Vet. Sc in my country is ridiculously expensive) is why i haven't told em yet. They're pretty much the only people that dont know yet that im one of 'those demons' they loathe so much for existing. Both my elder brother and sister already know and haven't spoken to me in two years (since i told them). My other sister who accepted and has always loved me (she said she's always thought i was gay) says my siblings atleast agreed its not their place to crush the image mom and dad have of "the golden boy". Although they miraculously always have a good reason to not be around when i visit home. I dont have any illusions about what the folk's reaction will be when i finally come out to them, might even involve a little violence (my dad's always been a strong believer in the spare the rod part and all that). Im just waiting to be financially independant atleast before the day comes when i have to face em. Ofcourse i still feel shitty about the fact that everyone but them knows who i really am and feel like im just making an excuse to prolong destroying the relationship i have with them. Tbh, i really do love em more than anything, but what to do....? Ah well
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    Apr 19, 2014 5:57 PM GMT
    I have a feeling my Mom will when I tell her. I told my Dad Christmas Day 2009. My Dad is very accepting and I'm afraid she'll pussy whip him into siding with her. I don't want my Dad to lose his marriage, but I don't want to lose my Dad's love and acceptance either. icon_sad.gif
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4862

    Apr 19, 2014 6:59 PM GMT
    In 1959, when I was 20, I was outed to my parents and immediately disowned and disinherited. I was never supposed to visit the town where they lived or have anything to do with anyone they knew, etc. etc. It was as ugly a scene as possible without actual physical violence. The only thing that made is somewhat less bad was that my brother, sister, and I had never trusted them anyway. It's not that they were dishonest, but rather, because they had a "blame the victim" attitude and we could never discuss our problems with them without being made to feel that there was something horribly wrong with us.

    Home life had always been unpleasant. Mother was quite neurotic and often screamed and yelled about trivia. She was an expert at turning a minor matter into a disaster of international proportions.

    I did not handle the situation as well as I could have. My mother persisted in sending me horrible letters and I made the mistake of responding to them. That kept me in a continual state of anxiety and agitation. Instead, I should have completely severed all communication with them until after I had got my own problems sorted out.

    After a few months, the worst of it blew over and I was no longer being accused of all sorts of bizarre behavior. Years later, I found out why. A doctor and his wife, who were friends of the family, persuaded my parents that they were being much too harsh.

    As the result of what happened to me, and after noting what has happened to other people who have either been outed or come out to their parents, I strongly advise never to come out to one's parents before achieving complete financial and emotional independence. An exception would be having parents who clearly would be accepting.
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 1030

    Apr 19, 2014 7:17 PM GMT
    It wasn't really a case of being "disowned"; I don't think they ever claimed ownership of me to begin with.

    My dad never talked to me - and I mean never, ever. He was home every evening and every weekend but not once did we ever have a two-way conversation, from the time I was born until I was 30, when he had advanced Alzheimer's and could no longer talk. On the rare occasions that he spoke to me, it was, "Go mow the lawn. Go wash the car." Never an actual talk. He completely dropped the ball on every opportunity for bonding - showed no interest in teaching me to throw and catch, or drive a car, or shave, or any of the things that dads are supposed to do with their sons. Hell, he never even so much as asked, "How was your day?"

    My mom showed no affection to me at all. Remember those bumper stickers that said, "Have You Hugged Your Kid Today?" At my house the answer was No, every day. I literally have no memory of ever being hugged by my mom - and I can remember word-for-word conversations from when I was five (they usually involved me being wrong). I was in my late 40s when I informed my mom that my eyes are hazel, not brown (not even close to brown); apparently she'd never taken a good look at me. She never once said "I love you".

    The really odd and mystifying part of this is that they were really fairly pleasant people who always had the best of intentions; they were simply complete failures at raising children. It seemed they didn't have the first clue how to do it, and didn't try. I grew up feeling more like livestock than family.

    When I got a scholarship to college I ran as fast as I could and didn't look back. I talked with my mom on the phone regularly and showed up at the house for Christmas every year, for the sake of being a good son. When they passed away I neither grieved nor rejoiced; I felt nothing.
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    Apr 19, 2014 9:34 PM GMT
    There was a price to pay, in many ways for speaking out from a young age.
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    Apr 19, 2014 10:22 PM GMT
    FRE0 said
    As the result of what happened to me, and after noting what has happened to other people who have either been outed or come out to their parents, I strongly advise never to come out to one's parents before achieving complete financial and emotional independence. An exception would be having parents who clearly would be accepting.


    Certainly agree with that.
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    Apr 19, 2014 10:22 PM GMT
    Some pretty tough tales here, and I imagine there are worse, given the people I've known in my life who've come from broken homes. My heart goes out to those who suffered bad parents, and I can definitely relate to some of the experiences told. I was a "comparison kid," too, and realized at an early age that my parents were doing things all wrong, and that it was having serious impacts on my sisters and me, some of which survive to this day. But, we all turned out tolerably well, primarily because we got the hell out of that nuthouse as soon as we could. Experiences like what we dealt with are probably why I'm not just pro-choice, but pro-abortion where unwanted kids are involved, the best efforts of the Roman Catholic Church notwithstanding. To this day I cannot see a nun in habit w/o becoming angry.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19119

    Apr 19, 2014 10:36 PM GMT
    I am reading some of these posts and they are making me want to cry. I'm just horrified at some of the treatment some of you got from your parents. I guess I took having amazing parents for granted. I can't even imagine my parents turning me away for anything. Both of my parents loved my brother and I unconditionally, and they could be counted on whenever we needed anything. I never came out to my dad because he passed away before I could muster up the courage to tell him --- why I was afraid, I don't know, because he would have loved me no matter what. My mom handled it perfectly. It scared her a bit because she didn't know a whole lot about "gay", but her only concern was that I was happy. I still talk to my mom on the phone probably every other day or so, and we see each other as often as possibleā€¦but it's never enough. I'm so sorry that so many of you had horrible parents. It's so unfair that you were subjected to that. After reading some of these posts, I feel like I won the jackpot in the parent lottery.
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    Apr 19, 2014 11:39 PM GMT
    Lumpyoatmeal said
    bradomo saidJust wondering. There must be loads of guys that have. When I moved out to go to college, my parents changed the locks, put in a security system, and told me I couldn't come over unless they told me I could. So it was a subtle move. I was also eliminated on a will pretty much.

    Can we assume that they knew you were gay? Otherwise it seems exceptionally strange.


    He forgot to mention the restraining order.
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    Apr 19, 2014 11:42 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ saidI am reading some of these posts and they are making me want to cry. I'm just horrified at some of the treatment some of you got from your parents. I guess I took having amazing parents for granted. I can't even imagine my parents turning me away for anything. Both of my parents loved my brother and I unconditionally, and they could be counted on whenever we needed anything. I never came out to my dad because he passed away before I could muster up the courage to tell him --- why I was afraid, I don't know, because he would have loved me no matter what. My mom handled it perfectly. It scared her a bit because she didn't know a whole lot about "gay", but her only concern was that I was happy. I still talk to my mom on the phone probably every other day or so, and we see each other as often as possibleā€¦but it's never enough. I'm so sorry that so many of you had horrible parents. It's so unfair that you were subjected to that. After reading some of these posts, I feel like I won the jackpot in the parent lottery.


    Don't waste your tears until you hear the parents' side.
  • rdberg1957

    Posts: 661

    Apr 19, 2014 11:44 PM GMT
    I didn't get disowned from my family, but there were problems which made family life unbearably painful. My father and mother had lots of conflict. One day when I was 28, my father died. This threw the family into turmoil and I distanced myself from both my brother and mother. A year and one-half later my brother committed suicide. The losses mounted and I spent 10 years without much contact with my mother.

    I did decide to reconnect and though it has been difficult, it was the best choice of a number of difficult choices. She is 89 now, not particularly interested in my life, but not totally hostile. It has allowed me to connect to extended family which is more supportive, especially my nephew Jon, who reminds me so much of my brother.

    I have been reading a book on friendships among gay men and lesbians, primarily gay men. For a variety of reasons, many gay men have had to form friendship networks to replace kinship. Some have been disowned, some come from very dysfunctional families, some have lost family members due to death or divorce.

    In relatively healthy families, gay men don't have to choose between having friends and family or keep them entirely separate. They can have relationships with relatives and friends and often interact. In homophobic families, there is a point at which many men have to choose family ties or friendship.

    I value the stories that men tell in these forums and this is clearly a personal topic.
  • HappyOne

    Posts: 5

    Apr 20, 2014 12:15 AM GMT
    Never had the actual talk, but I think they're suspecting that I go both ways, and it feels like they're in denial, at the same time brainwashing me with occasional discussions about how the world is going down because of gay sinners and abomination. They're making my life at home a living hell, and hell is about to break loose when they actually find out. And the country that I live in doesn't make it easier. C'est la vie I guess.
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    Apr 20, 2014 1:22 AM GMT
    VetBoi17 saidNot so much a question of 'were' rather 'will' in my case. My parents (both prominent pastors) are incredibly homophobic, cursing "faggots" to hell on a daily basis. That, and the fact that they still pay my tuition (studying Vet. Sc in my country is ridiculously expensive) is why i haven't told em yet. They're pretty much the only people that dont know yet that im one of 'those demons' they loathe so much for existing. Both my elder brother and sister already know and haven't spoken to me in two years (since i told them). My other sister who accepted and has always loved me (she said she's always thought i was gay) says my siblings atleast agreed its not their place to crush the image mom and dad have of "the golden boy". Although they miraculously always have a good reason to not be around when i visit home. I dont have any illusions about what the folk's reaction will be when i finally come out to them, might even involve a little violence (my dad's always been a strong believer in the spare the rod part and all that). Im just waiting to be financially independant atleast before the day comes when i have to face em. Ofcourse i still feel shitty about the fact that everyone but them knows who i really am and feel like im just making an excuse to prolong destroying the relationship i have with them. Tbh, i really do love em more than anything, but what to do....? Ah well



    That's sad. My case is basically the same except they aren't pastors. Sad life.
  • Ploktorb

    Posts: 95

    Apr 20, 2014 4:15 AM GMT
    I actually did the opposite, in a way. My parents have never been there for me, so I disowned them. I don't consider myself to have parents but out of technicality I do. I never talk to my dad and always hope my "mother" won't try to annoy me by attempting to talk to me or something. The only family I acknowledge are my little brother, grandma, and aunt, of whom was more of a parent to me than my actual parents and was the one who pushed me to get my GED after I dropped out of high school.

  • Apr 20, 2014 8:05 AM GMT
    It happened to me.
    My Daddy actually came into the motel room we were living in at the time , drunk, and at around 3:00am told me to pack my little boyscout backpack, and made me get in the car.
    Without another word, he drove for hours to another state, took me to the Greyhound bus station, gave me $20 and said," I hope life's good to you son".
    I was THRILLED to get $20 and said,"Oh! It will be Daddy! It WILL be!"
    Ha ha ha! I was such a strange child... But I remember being happy to be on my own and hitchhiked from there, North Carolina, to Florida.
    I was 9 years old.
    After a few months of being solicited for prostitution and sleeping in dumpsters filled with liquid garbage to my knees, I decided I was too young for this and hitchiked to the State of Tennessee , turned myself in to Child and Family Services and spent the rest of my childhood in a State Orphanage.
  • ASHDOD

    Posts: 1057

    Apr 20, 2014 12:08 PM GMT
    i am always shocked and sad when i hear such stories.
    my parents are a pillar of strength security and love to me and my sisters, there was never a question of being kicked out or anything,even in the tense moments when i cam out [ i was 20] my grandma who was above 80 when she met my ex bf [thats how she found out] was totaly supportive as well,and so is the rest of my family cousins ect,i am so lucky.