Feedback please....where are you on the gay social/dating continuum?....

  • davidchill45

    Posts: 55

    Apr 21, 2014 10:04 PM GMT
    Just curious; I'm dating a guy (about a month now), and, I really like him (it's long distance, but--we're both unencumbered, and have the money to log the miles)...and, here's the thing--

    LOL or not, I apparently have no life compared to everyone else in the gay world (or maybe the straight world for that matter)--I know, I know, that's not REALLY true, but, it seems like it 99% of the time.

    I mean, I'm nearly 50, I was married for 15 years, have adult kids--the very few close friends that I do have are all over the place (locality wise), and are from high school and college--and, for better or worse--became my friends in my "straight" days if you will.

    So, I don't have this network (or even a handful) of gay friends to hang out with, chat with, go to dinner or a movie with--nothing. As well--when (for example) the guy I'm dating (and as a matter of fact, the guy I was dating prior to him) says "oh, me and THE GUYS are going to meet at such-and-such", or "me and THE BOYS are going to the movies", it literally sets my teeth on edge.

    Could some of it be jealousy? Absolutely. But, I have noticed (in my small sampling) that these guys (and I hate to say it, but seemingly including the guy I'm dating) tend to take this network, or "pack of BFF's" thing as their number one priority--and dating (or the one you're dating, or your potential boyfriend), and all those things that I consider important that goes with it--seems to be in second place.

    I mean, I have a good job, make higher than five figures, but decidedly less than seven, take care of myself, workout, go to the gym, have been told what a great catch I'll be for somebody--I no I'm not running around with a hump on my back--(and no, I'm not humble bragging, I'm not Gwyneth Paltrow).

    I don't mind being alone a lot of the time if it's by choice, but, when I feel like I'm always in second, third, or tenth place in everyone else's life (in the case of my kids, I'm not even in the top 100)--it gets to be depressing.

    But, I'm not depressed, just frustrated. Like when I DO get asked to do something, I'm like "hang on, let my check my Google calendar with nothing on it, I'll be right back", where as if it's reversed, everyone else (including the guy I'm dating) has this, that, and the other planned.

    Or maybe they just don't give a shit, I guess that's possible too....er, ha ha.

    Alright, long winded I know, but let me close out by saying I HAVE tried (and will continue to try) and meet other guys, just to make friends--

    Online apps (AdamForAdam, Grindr, etc.) thud.
    Pool tournaments (I love pool, and am fairly good) thud.
    Volunteering for the local theater--thud.
    Trying to stay friends with guys you HAVE dated, but didn't have that spark, but they would seemingly make a good buddy? Thud, thud, thud, thud, thud....
    Local gay community resource organization? Thud.
    Facebook? Thud (unless maybe there's some secret method I'm unaware of).

    Anyway, sorry for the lengthy rant--any insight, similar experiences, etc., that would help point me in the right direction--I'm all cyber-ears.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 21, 2014 10:06 PM GMT
    I'm in the very dark area.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 21, 2014 10:08 PM GMT
    gabyboy saidI'm in the very dark area.


    No worries. I'm in the transparent area.
  • davidchill45

    Posts: 55

    Apr 21, 2014 10:09 PM GMT
    So is the middle area like a grey window tint?icon_lol.gif
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    Apr 21, 2014 10:11 PM GMT
    I'm not even sure what you're asking. How to make friends? Be someone others want to be around. Simple.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 21, 2014 10:15 PM GMT
    davidchill45 saidSo is the middle area like a grey window tint?icon_lol.gif


    Pretty much.
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    Apr 21, 2014 10:20 PM GMT
    ElectroShark saidBe someone others want to be around. Simple.

    While that sounds good, it's really not that simple. I'd guess that there are plenty of guy who can rattle off the superficial qualities the OP listed who still have some difficulty developing, or finding, a social circle.

    I'm also not quite sure what he's asking, though.
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    Apr 21, 2014 10:49 PM GMT
    Coming out later in life makes it somewhat difficult to break the barriers of already established friendships. You're looking in some of the right places (IE: pool, volunteering, community outreach) because there you'll actually meet guys for conversation and build a base of friends. A4A and those will allow you to meet guy that want laid and some might end up turning into friendships but it looks like you're beyond that anyway.

    Meetup.com is a good place to meet other gay guys too. If there are social activities in your area, it might be a consideration. I've pretty much accepted that I won't have a large circle of gay bff but when I am out, I enjoy socializing with others I meet and I hope some more will continue to become regular friends that my partner and I can get to know and enjoy.
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    Apr 21, 2014 11:49 PM GMT
    How about working more on becoming part of your bf's gang? You still have dibs on "couple time" with him when you visit him. (I assume you're sleeping over on those long distance trips.)
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    Apr 21, 2014 11:52 PM GMT
    I have read thru it three times and I have absolutely no idea what this thread is about...

    icon_question.gif?icon_confused.gif
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    Apr 22, 2014 1:27 AM GMT
    I understand. Believe you me I don't have a lot gay male friends here in Toronto. The ones I do have their circle of friends, I'm just a exo planet satellite homo to their star system. The close friends I do have a straight and live cross country.

    So I feel your pain mate.

    Why don't you join a sports team or a hobby in the realm of LGBT?
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    Apr 22, 2014 1:28 AM GMT
    Fivealive saidI understand. Believe you me I don't have a lot gay male friends here in Toronto. The ones I do have their circle of friends, I'm just a exo planet satellite homo to their star system. The close friends I do have a straight and live cross country.

    So I feel your pain mate.

    Why don't you join a sports team or a hobby in the realm of LGBT?


    sigh..That's kinda the way I feel. I'm always the background and never the protagonist. icon_confused.gif
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    Apr 22, 2014 1:32 AM GMT
    Xavier92 said
    sigh..That's kinda the way I feel. I'm always the background and never the protagonist. icon_confused.gif

    Dance naked on tabletops. You'll get noticed.
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    Apr 22, 2014 1:33 AM GMT
    ElectroShark said
    Xavier92 said
    sigh..That's kinda the way I feel. I'm always the background and never the protagonist. icon_confused.gif

    Dance naked on tabletops. You'll get noticed.


    Good idea. icon_lol.gif
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Apr 22, 2014 1:39 AM GMT
    It would help if we knew what you wanted. How do you want things to be that they aren't now?

    BUT, even knowing that… why are all these attempts you describe as 'thuds'? How does that happen? Is it you? Is it them? Both, neither, what?

  • Apr 22, 2014 1:43 AM GMT
    I know, it sucks. I used to have a group of gay friends until I moved across the country. Now I have a few, but definitely not a group. The most success I've had so far was with meetup.com for various gay groups. There's a gay hiking group near me that I've made a few friends in, still not a group, but at least I have a few guys to hang out with individually.
  • davidchill45

    Posts: 55

    Apr 22, 2014 1:52 AM GMT
    Thanks for the thoughtful replies guys--it's one of those "you either get it or you don't" things--which is fine either way.

    And for the individual email responses, and meetup ideas, extra thanks for those.
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    Apr 22, 2014 2:04 AM GMT
    I use OK cupid, Grindr and going out to bars sometimes. There are like 3 gay bars in OC and I can take a drive to LA. But yeah, dating is hard I guess. Most of the guys I met, we didn't really hit it off. It seems like I like guys who are bad for me or whatever. I have a couple of good gay friends, we meet up sometime and just go out and mingle. icon_smile.gif I'm open for a relationship though but he has to be a great guy for me to commit.
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    Apr 22, 2014 2:34 AM GMT
    ElectroShark said
    Xavier92 said
    sigh..That's kinda the way I feel. I'm always the background and never the protagonist. icon_confused.gif

    Dance naked on tabletops. You'll get noticed.


    MUST We constantly re-live Your Bar Mitzvah?!?!?
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    Apr 22, 2014 2:35 AM GMT
    Cash said
    ElectroShark said
    Xavier92 said
    sigh..That's kinda the way I feel. I'm always the background and never the protagonist. icon_confused.gif

    Dance naked on tabletops. You'll get noticed.


    MUST We constantly re-live Your Bar Mitzvah?!?!?

    I was just trying to tell him what worked for me. Jeez, calm your tits.
  • AWashingtonia...

    Posts: 128

    Apr 22, 2014 3:03 PM GMT
    davidchill45 saidJust curious; I'm dating a guy (about a month now), and, I really like him (it's long distance, but--we're both unencumbered, and have the money to log the miles)...and, here's the thing--

    LOL or not, I apparently have no life compared to everyone else in the gay world (or maybe the straight world for that matter)--I know, I know, that's not REALLY true, but, it seems like it 99% of the time.

    I mean, I'm nearly 50, I was married for 15 years, have adult kids--the very few close friends that I do have are all over the place (locality wise), and are from high school and college--and, for better or worse--became my friends in my "straight" days if you will.

    So, I don't have this network (or even a handful) of gay friends to hang out with, chat with, go to dinner or a movie with--nothing. As well--when (for example) the guy I'm dating (and as a matter of fact, the guy I was dating prior to him) says "oh, me and THE GUYS are going to meet at such-and-such", or "me and THE BOYS are going to the movies", it literally sets my teeth on edge.

    Could some of it be jealousy? Absolutely. But, I have noticed (in my small sampling) that these guys (and I hate to say it, but seemingly including the guy I'm dating) tend to take this network, or "pack of BFF's" thing as their number one priority--and dating (or the one you're dating, or your potential boyfriend), and all those things that I consider important that goes with it--seems to be in second place.

    I mean, I have a good job, make higher than five figures, but decidedly less than seven, take care of myself, workout, go to the gym, have been told what a great catch I'll be for somebody--I no I'm not running around with a hump on my back--(and no, I'm not humble bragging, I'm not Gwyneth Paltrow).

    I don't mind being alone a lot of the time if it's by choice, but, when I feel like I'm always in second, third, or tenth place in everyone else's life (in the case of my kids, I'm not even in the top 100)--it gets to be depressing.

    But, I'm not depressed, just frustrated. Like when I DO get asked to do something, I'm like "hang on, let my check my Google calendar with nothing on it, I'll be right back", where as if it's reversed, everyone else (including the guy I'm dating) has this, that, and the other planned.

    Or maybe they just don't give a shit, I guess that's possible too....er, ha ha.

    Alright, long winded I know, but let me close out by saying I HAVE tried (and will continue to try) and meet other guys, just to make friends--

    Online apps (AdamForAdam, Grindr, etc.) thud.
    Pool tournaments (I love pool, and am fairly good) thud.
    Volunteering for the local theater--thud.
    Trying to stay friends with guys you HAVE dated, but didn't have that spark, but they would seemingly make a good buddy? Thud, thud, thud, thud, thud....
    Local gay community resource organization? Thud.
    Facebook? Thud (unless maybe there's some secret method I'm unaware of).

    Anyway, sorry for the lengthy rant--any insight, similar experiences, etc., that would help point me in the right direction--I'm all cyber-ears.





    Having primarily dated guys who are... let's just say.. 'several' years older than I, maybe I can give you a "faux Dr. Phil" perspective.

    I agree with the poster who commented on coming out later in life. It seems that guys who come out later in life grapple with more emotions and must resolve deeply seeded issues related to their perception of US culture and society respective to their generation.

    That is, guys who come out later in life experience their wonder years as kind of a stopping point. I believe that guys who come out later in life are aware from early-on that they are LGBT; but, because of social pressure during the early years of their generation, must repress and essentially forget that part of themselves. This is the period when most people in the US form those life-long friendships or at least establish within themselves their identity and decide upon lifestyle patterns.

    To a person who, for which-ever reason, has had to repress the veracity of their complete and whole identity during this time, as a result, also represses the accuracy of the psychologic function that tells the person 'I really enjoy this or I like that.' In order to cope with the social pressures enforced, the person seems to adapt an "I can live with this' response to lifestyle patterns.

    When a guy who comes out later in life reaches the point where that coping mechanism no longer satisfies a purpose, he comes out. I believe that psychologically, a 'reset' occurs where the person no longer accepts those things he could once 'live with'- thereby erasing the validity of some former lifestyle habits.

    Now, there's a paradox created. The person does not accept the former things he could 'live with,' but those things are what has given his life meaning up-to that point. There is a vacuum. The person really wants his life to be composed of something fulfilling, but he only knows that which he now rejects.

    This sets up a mess of former expectations and adapted cultures to come into conflict with the newly accepted and newly realized 'out-ness.'

    In order to rectify the two, it seems that the person must take a serious personal inventory and painstakingly (for a set period) assess those conflicts which arise in himself. He must look at what is driving the negative force behind the conflict in order to emerge with a firm understanding of why he has these emotions about respective persons, places, or things; what lifestyle patters are healthy versus detrimental; who he is as a dynamic being; and what that all means for himself.

    In my uninformed opinion of your post, it seems that the lifestyle you adapted prior to coming out made you feel isolated. So, when you came out, you expected to fill that void with a person/lover.

    That's sometimes fine when the rest of our lives are balanced. But, it seems that you might want to develop other hobbies and passions as you would have during the 'repressed' period of your life.

    Let's mentally time travel together. Think about how teenagers develop. I'm NOT saying act like a crazy teenager at this point; however, do pursue your passions with the same zeal!

    Allow yourself to be alone with yourself and go by yourself and HAVE FUN! Be humourous, light-hearted, allow negative things to roll off of you like water down a duck's wing in fight.

    I've experienced a similar situation. While I've been out since the age of six years old, I was essentially cloistered to school, church, and home as a child. When I went to undergrad, I overextended myself socially- to my detriment. I decided to take a personal inventory and discover what I enjoyed doing. These were things that I could enjoy fully without needing another person to participate with me. As I developed those things for myself, I became more aware of the people who enjoyed the same things and more inviting to those social situations. I started to have meaningful conversations with complete strangers. Some turned into casual/social outing friends.. most I had never seen or spoken with again, but we added value to that moment's memory by simply being present in the moment and sharing the same energy we felt during that time.

    This helped me pass time, feel less lonely, and feel less neglected.

    You're on the right track, guy! Meet-up is an awesome site. It was one tool I used. Another is Eventbrite, and my high school and undergrad's alumni associations were helpful, too. Additionally, I decided to work with some high school buddies on creating an educational non-profit organization. Maybe creating a new company/organization is something you could become interested in.

    So... STOP focusing on how great your bf's life *might* seem, and think about how you can live the best life you can as if you were to have decided to be single for
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    Apr 22, 2014 3:16 PM GMT
    ^^ Or we just sleep around to make up for lost time.

    Seriously though, I believe it is very hard to make friends in the gay community at any age. Gay men are so obsessed with their next sexual conquest that all we are to each other is a notch on the bed post. Done, done, and on to the next one. EVERY guy I've encountered that says they are looking for friendship first and foremost is in my pants before the night is through.

    Yes, I'm a slut. What's it to ya.
  • AWashingtonia...

    Posts: 128

    Apr 22, 2014 4:13 PM GMT
    balls.. RJ cut my post

    There are actually two more paragraphs that were eliminated.. wtf?
  • AWashingtonia...

    Posts: 128

    Apr 22, 2014 4:26 PM GMT
    You will become happier. You'll make friends more easily. Strangers, family and friends will become more interested in what you are doing. And your bf might even contract a case of light-hearted jealousy and decide to change his plans just to spend more time with you and your interesting projects.

    I'd suggest not to invite yourself into your bf's circle of friends just yet until you gain some ground on your self-mastery. It could result in you versus them and we KNOW guys don't play fair.

    Pretty soon the 99% will become 1%.

    That's just my penny's worth.


    I think that was it. I must download a clipboard software program.. Windows 8 doesn't have one packaged