How to keep the passion burning in a relationship?


  • Apr 22, 2014 9:18 PM GMT
    Hi guys!

    Pardon the profile pic, or lack thereof, but just preferred to stay anonymous for now.

    Here's my situation: I'm recently and happily in a relationship with a truly exceptional guy (of course, otherwise I wouldn't be dating him!) - after having been single for more than 6 years.

    I was chasing this guy for 2 years (!). He was the only one I wanted and he drove me crazy every time I saw him at the gym or in the club. I didn't open up to anyone else, I'd just have random one night stands now and then in the 6 years prior to this.

    Finally we fell in love and we've been together for about 2 months now. I'm excited to build this relationship with him (so is he), but there's one reality I'm struggling with, hence my post on this forum.

    At times I don't have the sexual attraction I used to have. The first times we had sex, it was truly the best sex in the universe, but these days after a movie night or a restaurant date, I feel like I'm not turned on and the sexual energy isn't there icon_sad.gif

    It's almost as if the sexual and the emotional are two different worlds in my head - sexual is something exciting, new, exploratory, naughty... the emotional is more about real love and sharing moments together. I wish those emotions mingled together more easily in my head.

    By no means do I intend to cheat on my bf, but I would sometimes get turned on more by the idea of sex with a random stranger than him... I assume just because he is so "available". Also, I'm not really used to being around someone all the time... I get more excited when I haven't seen him in a week for example. Also I can get horny when I'm by myself and start fantasizing, or when we're out in the scene...

    Don't get me wrong - I'm truly attracted to my bf - and in fairness he's doing all the right things and gets very creative in bed, so lack of variation shouldn't be an excuse!

    I just wanted to throw this out here to hear what other people's experiences are.

    I feel so fortunate to be this guy's bf that I wouldn't want to waste this chance, I'm sure if we were to break up after 1 week he would be the one and only person I am dreaming and fantasizing about.

    Looking forward to hear your thoughts!






  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Apr 22, 2014 10:08 PM GMT
    I'm so glad I'm not him right now.icon_sad.gif

    From your post it sounds like he's not the one, if you're losing interest after two months. The heyday of your relationship was the two years you pined for him.

    There are ways to bring the spark back, but usually that's for people who have a life together. Two months is like you just started dating.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 22, 2014 11:17 PM GMT
    Only two months in and you're starting to feel this way? icon_confused.gif

    To me, the emotional/sexual realms are intertwined. I have had sexual experiences heightened the more emotionally invested I've gotten in a person - and also the opposite, where sexual experiences were less exciting the more I got to know a person (which had a lot more to do with their personality and my feelings on the overall relationship).

    Having that said, have you guys had any discussions about this? Could it be that he doesn't know how to 'press your buttons' - or vice versa? Have you guys both truly opened up to each other about your sexual desires, kinks and exploits? This could be a topic that requires a great deal of trust. However, I find that the more open and honest I am with my partner about this stuff, the more accommodating we could be to each other when it comes to the dirty stuff. Sometimes, just knowing that special place to touch or magic word to say (or yell) makes all of the difference.

    It could also just be that you're not used to being a "One-guy" kind of guy. After having the freedom of being able to talk to, sleep with and do whatever you want for so long, it's hard to get used to the idea of sacrificing all of those things for that one special person. That's why it's important to be convicted in that you've found that special person, worth letting go of everything else for.

    Personally, I would just try to kink it up a bit with him. Do something dirty to him. Like, very dirty icon_twisted.gif . Spank him randomly. Grab him. Tell him to do something dirty to you. Flash him at the gym. Tell him to send you nudes in the bathroom at work. Make him your little slave, or vice versa. Rip his pants off randomly, slam him around some and then ********* - you get the idea. As it's been said, boys want a guy that can kiss you like he loves you but fuck you like he doesn't.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 22, 2014 11:22 PM GMT
    Man, if you're really into this guy, the keep up the action. Surprise him. Challenge him. Get into the habit of a date night, just with him. (Of course it works both ways).

    Tommy
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    Apr 22, 2014 11:25 PM GMT
    Gay men are not made 100% monogamous. 2 months and feeling this way? I don't think it's right. My boyfriend and I of 6 months are taking a 2 week break, we're always with each other. We love each other enough to go out and meet other people, not forming any type of relationship with another of course.

    In the end he's the person i will be holding at night and spending my time with icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2014 3:44 AM GMT


    STAY FOCUSED.
  • Anther

    Posts: 37

    Apr 28, 2014 4:40 AM GMT
    I'm taking a class on Intimate Relationships this quarter, and we just recently discussed how to maintain intimacy. What makes the initial stages of a relationship so exciting is the fact that everything is so new. When you start to date someone, you have this whole new person to explore, and their experiences become your experiences. However, after some time, this 'exciting' feeling can start to diminish as you start learning more and more about your partner, because after a point it may feel like you know everything about your partner.

    What may help you out is seeking out novelty. It sounds like you really care for him, and if this is the case you can still make the relationship exciting. Try doing something novel and exciting. There's been research on how including novel and exciting experiences in a relationship improves the couples overall happiness. Travel to a different city, incorporate new sexual acts, go camping at national park, etc. Who know this might reignite your sexual passion for partner.

    As for the lack of intimacy that you feel like you have for your partner, it may be a sign that you are just stuck in some bubble. Do you ever feel like acting upon your urges to have sexual relations with someone else? If the answer is yes, it could be that you just fell out of attraction with your current partner. If the answer is no, maybe you just don't have the sex drive that you use to. Are you seeing this guy too often to the point where you feel like he's a brother and not your significant other? Does he express a feeling that he would rather fuck someone other then you? When you have sex, do you feel like something is lacking and that it kind of feels forced or mechanical?

    Without knowing the answers to these questions I don't know what to tell you, so if you want to answer them it'd help a lot for the sake of context!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2014 6:26 AM GMT
    From what it sounds like to me, you're used to your sex and attraction having a LOT to do with whoever it is being new.

    It sounds to me like that "newness" is wearing off now and you're no longer getting the "buzz" of having it as a part of the experience.

    One idea would be to start branching out into new ideas. Maybe try role playing in the bedroom or something?

    Another thing to consider is.... do you go through libido lulls? Times when your libido is in high gear, then settles out into a low point? Because if so, are you sure that's not the issue and you've hit a low point?

    I ask because I personally have that experience now and then and it's usually an emotional thing that needs resolving (not always even emotionally involving my partner, sometimes my emotions in general just screw with my urges).
  • Anther

    Posts: 37

    Apr 28, 2014 9:13 PM GMT
    TwisttheLeaf saidAnother thing to consider is.... do you go through libido lulls? Times when your libido is in high gear, then settles out into a low point? Because if so, are you sure that's not the issue and you've hit a low point?

    I ask because I personally have that experience now and then and it's usually an emotional thing that needs resolving (not always even emotionally involving my partner, sometimes my emotions in general just screw with my urges).


    This is so true. I feel like my emotional side is so in-tune with my sexual side, that I just don't feel horny when I'm going through emotional shit.

    My roommate, however, can fuck his way through anything life throws at him. At first, I thought there was something wrong with me, but now I'm just leaving it to good old physiological differences.