Talking about ex's on dates

  • highforthis

    Posts: 680

    Apr 23, 2014 5:46 AM GMT
    So I hear this is a big no-no, and I can see why it's a turn-off if the person is bitter about the ex and showing his baggage. However, when I go on dates, the ex(s) is one of the things I'm most curious about when it comes to the guy. IMO, knowing how it started and why it ended tells a lot about the guy's maturity and ethics, or any emotional red-flags. Is it that wrong to ask a date about his ex's?
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    Apr 23, 2014 6:04 AM GMT
    Maybe at some point, certainly not the first (few?) dates.
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    Apr 23, 2014 6:20 AM GMT
    The funny thing(well not really) for me is that I have yet to be in any relationship that has lasted more than a month without the other guy screwing me over.

    So whenever the topic of ex's came up, I would just nod and be sympathetic but err on the side of caution.
  • KittenpasteCo...

    Posts: 245

    Apr 23, 2014 7:26 AM GMT
    I'm ok with knowing about their exes early on, for the most part. Helps me learn what they won't put up with... but sometimes it's clear they are still in love with said ex.
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    Apr 23, 2014 10:20 AM GMT
    It's always been tacky, to me. The last person I want to be thinking or hearing about on a promising date is my ex or the ex of the person I'm seeing; that isn't what it's about.

    At some point, certainly.
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    Apr 23, 2014 10:36 AM GMT
    th3ro saidMaybe at some point, certainly not the first (few?) dates.


    Agreed. The super personal stuff can wait until date # 3 or so. Otherwise, you run the risk of opening an can of ugly worms.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Apr 23, 2014 11:05 AM GMT
    Never on the first date, especially if you like the guy and want a second one
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    Apr 23, 2014 11:20 AM GMT
    Yea not for a while not unless date asks and then I would keep it minimal and positive
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    Apr 23, 2014 11:43 AM GMT
    we all have baggage, we all have previous boyfriends. if i'm on a date with someone, i want the focus to be on the both of us right now. not the past, not the phone, not other distractions.

    if i spend the date listening to stories about the ex, the break-up, or sex he's had with other people, its an immediate turn-off. i'm not on a date to be someone's counsellor. all the past will come out in time, and you're right - it will show you much about the guy's personality.
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    Apr 23, 2014 11:52 AM GMT
    It's like a job interview. You don't talk about any of the negatives. You want to sell yourself and make yourself look like the best thing since sliced bread. Talking about any negative aspects of your life kills that...
  • tj85016

    Posts: 4123

    Apr 23, 2014 11:57 AM GMT
    libertpaulian saidIt's like a job interview. You don't talk about any of the negatives. You want to sell yourself and make yourself look like the best thing since sliced bread. Talking about any negative aspects of your life kills that...


    lol a job interview? it's supposed to be fun, not a weeding out process, you make it sound like a DMV inspection
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    Apr 23, 2014 12:13 PM GMT
    tj85016 said
    libertpaulian saidIt's like a job interview. You don't talk about any of the negatives. You want to sell yourself and make yourself look like the best thing since sliced bread. Talking about any negative aspects of your life kills that...


    lol a job interview? it's supposed to be fun, not a weeding out process, you make it sound like a DMV inspection

    This.
    You don't talk about exes. You don't talk about your history. You don't rehash old traumas. You don't whine about your horrible childhood. You're supposed to be having FUN.

    It's like my dad said to me years ago. "Son," he said, "never tell a man you're not worthy of him. Let it come as a surprise."
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    Apr 23, 2014 12:30 PM GMT
    tj85016 said
    libertpaulian saidIt's like a job interview. You don't talk about any of the negatives. You want to sell yourself and make yourself look like the best thing since sliced bread. Talking about any negative aspects of your life kills that...


    lol a job interview? it's supposed to be fun, not a weeding out process, you make it sound like a DMV inspection

    But when did you ever go on a first date that wasn't an inspection?
    If all you wanted was some fun, you'd just go home and hit the bedroom. The fact that you're not doing that (at least not immediately) means you want to see how he behaves in a social situation. That amounts to an inspection, doesn't it?
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    Apr 23, 2014 12:31 PM GMT
    tj85016 said
    libertpaulian saidIt's like a job interview. You don't talk about any of the negatives. You want to sell yourself and make yourself look like the best thing since sliced bread. Talking about any negative aspects of your life kills that...


    lol a job interview? it's supposed to be fun, not a weeding out process, you make it sound like a DMV inspection

    I didn't mean where it's all formalistic. I meant that both are comparable in the sense that if you want to advance further (in the interview's case, you want the job; in the first date case, you want to go on more dates), you don't bring up the negative stuff.
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    Apr 23, 2014 12:32 PM GMT
    TexDef07 said
    tj85016 said
    libertpaulian saidIt's like a job interview. You don't talk about any of the negatives. You want to sell yourself and make yourself look like the best thing since sliced bread. Talking about any negative aspects of your life kills that...


    lol a job interview? it's supposed to be fun, not a weeding out process, you make it sound like a DMV inspection

    But when did you ever go on a first date that wasn't an inspection?
    If all you wanted was some fun, you'd just go home and hit the bedroom. The fact that you're not doing that (at least not immediately) means you want to see how he behaves in a social situation. That amounts to an inspection, doesn't it?

    That is rather bloodless. And not the point of a first date. The point of a first date is simply to find out whether you enjoy his company. There should be no further agenda.
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    Apr 23, 2014 12:46 PM GMT
    ElectroShark said
    TexDef07 said
    tj85016 said
    libertpaulian saidIt's like a job interview. You don't talk about any of the negatives. You want to sell yourself and make yourself look like the best thing since sliced bread. Talking about any negative aspects of your life kills that...


    lol a job interview? it's supposed to be fun, not a weeding out process, you make it sound like a DMV inspection

    But when did you ever go on a first date that wasn't an inspection?
    If all you wanted was some fun, you'd just go home and hit the bedroom. The fact that you're not doing that (at least not immediately) means you want to see how he behaves in a social situation. That amounts to an inspection, doesn't it?

    That is rather bloodless. And not the point of a first date. The point of a first date is simply to find out whether you enjoy his company. There should be no further agenda.

    Which is just another way of saying you are finding out whether there will be a second date. if you enjoy his company, you will want a second date. There is your pre-programmed further agenda.
    As a side note, none of my first dates were bloodless, other than the ones where it was immediately obvious the first date would be the last.
  • tj85016

    Posts: 4123

    Apr 23, 2014 12:47 PM GMT
    TexDef07 said
    tj85016 said
    libertpaulian saidIt's like a job interview. You don't talk about any of the negatives. You want to sell yourself and make yourself look like the best thing since sliced bread. Talking about any negative aspects of your life kills that...


    lol a job interview? it's supposed to be fun, not a weeding out process, you make it sound like a DMV inspection

    But when did you ever go on a first date that wasn't an inspection?
    If all you wanted was some fun, you'd just go home and hit the bedroom. The fact that you're not doing that (at least not immediately) means you want to see how he behaves in a social situation. That amounts to an inspection, doesn't it?


    lots of times, I have no pre-conceived notions, it's not a test, it's a date to have fun going to a movie, a Yankee game, rollerblading, dinner, whatever to see if we click to date further, become friends, or just drop it altogether
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    Apr 23, 2014 1:26 PM GMT
    highforthis saidSo I hear this is a big no-no, and I can see why it's a turn-off if the person is bitter about the ex and showing his baggage. However, when I go on dates, the ex(s) is one of the things I'm most curious about when it comes to the guy. IMO, knowing how it started and why it ended tells a lot about the guy's maturity and ethics, or any emotional red-flags. Is it that wrong to ask a date about his ex's?


    info re: past relationships is interesting, and if there's an obvious pattern, that's good to know. but i would add that every time we "couple", we're a different combination of ingredients. past isn't always prologue, particularly as we mature.
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    Apr 23, 2014 1:26 PM GMT
    I don't see anything wrong with asking. BUT, the real question is how do you know if the guy is telling you the truth about his ex? I mean, he'll probably tell you some story on what an asshole his ex was when in reality, your date sitting in front of you was the asshole.
  • FireDoor211

    Posts: 1030

    Apr 23, 2014 1:43 PM GMT
    highforthis saidSo I hear this is a big no-no, and I can see why it's a turn-off if the person is bitter about the ex and showing his baggage. However, when I go on dates, the ex(s) is one of the things I'm most curious about when it comes to the guy. IMO, knowing how it started and why it ended tells a lot about the guy's maturity and ethics, or any emotional red-flags. Is it that wrong to ask a date about his ex's?


    I feel the same way, It puts alot of people off unfortunately. But I feel like I want to know the things I should avoid or cut back on if I do similar things the exes did. And for my own protection I kind of want to know what exactly the person I'm interested in is capable of. Hearing someone talk about their ex can tell you alot about them and their future relationship with you. My Ex Fiance and I talked alot about our exes. I think it's like any other struggle your partner has been through, it helps you to understand what makes them the way they are.
  • muscle_dude

    Posts: 65

    Apr 23, 2014 1:49 PM GMT
    I say hold it back as long as possible. I was asked about previous relationships on date 3 with a guy that I was really into. I kept my responses brief and didn't disclose baggage.

    For whatever reason, he didn't give me a date 4. I was a bit crushed TBH. Not sure if it was that. The post-date sex was great (I thought). The restaurant was amazing. Oh well, shit happens, I guess. icon_sad.gif
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    Apr 23, 2014 2:29 PM GMT
    some level of discussion on the topic of exes is important... from the perspective of "full disclosure", especially if the relationship is going to be sexual.

    it's bad to talk about how great they were - or weren't - in the "get to know me" phase of dating.

    and screaming out the ex's name during sex is just frowned on all around... icon_biggrin.gif
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    Apr 23, 2014 2:46 PM GMT
    Not on the first date.
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    Apr 23, 2014 3:45 PM GMT
    In all situations I always try to remember Eleanor Roosevelt's quote:

    Great minds discuss ideas;
    Average minds discuss events;
    Small minds discuss people.
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    Apr 23, 2014 3:53 PM GMT
    Don't talk about your ex unless you want a second date. It's a red flag that you didn't move on and still in love/bitter about your previous love.