Bored of sex with the same person?

  • Philip101

    Posts: 101

    Apr 23, 2014 1:46 PM GMT
    Hi guys,

    I have a problem: I find that sex with the same person gets boring fast (after 3-6 months with the same person, it feels it boring). The fact that it starts off with sparks flying like crazy does not stop it from fading off and becoming boring.

    I have not found that "trying new positions" solves this (and how can there be new positions after 3-6 months - there is only so much variety that one can do).

    I think that a part of what really excites me is the excitement of discovering something new. This turns me on so much! I suspect that this tendency has an evolutionary reason to it (although the reason is not important - the reality is that this tendency is real). I wish this is not the case, but it is.

    I am not asking you guys for a solution - just asking how many of you find the same thing?

    If so, did you experience the situation where you met a person who only wants a strictly monogomous relationship (and who would never entertain an open relationship) and did you decide to have a long term relationship with him, choosing to make the sacrifice of having boring sex in order to be with someone whom you respect and love in every other way? I want to be with my one sweetheart only, but I am so sad that it has to come at the price of sex which has lost all its fire.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Apr 23, 2014 2:03 PM GMT
    Hi Philip,

    I relate to what you're saying and I think a lot (not all) men, regardless of their sexual orientation, do relate to it. It seems to be in a lot of men's 'natures' to feel bored with sexual familiarity and excited by exploring something new and unknown, more so sexually than emotionally. We like the stability of emotional continuity.

    I've had three LTRs. The first with a woman (monogamous), the second with a man (monogamous) and the third with a man (open). Of them, the third was the most sexually exciting or, put the other way, least boring. It was fun for both of us and I can get turned on just remembering it, even today (this was well over a decade in the past). However, it was also the most tumultuous and ultimately disastrous. There were many reasons for that, not just the sexual openness, although it definitely played a significant part. Long story I won't get into.

  • Philip101

    Posts: 101

    Apr 23, 2014 4:54 PM GMT
    Many thanks MikeW for your helpful response. It was very helpful to hear about your experience.

    I don't want sex to be so important, but I am often worried that it is. There is a primal voice inside me wanting to be on fire again, and if I stay in a monogomous relationship, one day this voice might ROAR!

    (An open relationship is not an option for my partner, as he is an "all-or-nothing" type person when it comes to relationships).
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Apr 24, 2014 12:08 AM GMT
    Philip101 saidMany thanks MikeW for your helpful response. It was very helpful to hear about your experience.

    I don't want sex to be so important, but I am often worried that it is. There is a primal voice inside me wanting to be on fire again, and if I stay in a monogomous relationship, one day this voice might ROAR!

    (An open relationship is not an option for my partner, as he is an "all-or-nothing" type person when it comes to relationships).

    I wonder if your partner knows how you feel? It's a touchy subject for obvious reasons. What I *liked* about being in an open relationship was we were always looking for new things together. Now, sometimes that involved inviting others to play with us, but not always. We really talked about what turned us on, what got us hot, what we wished for but were afraid (or ashamed) to do… that sort of thing. And then we really worked at incorporating that into our sexual explorations.

    None of my previous partners had been so adventurous or felt secure enough in themselves of the relationship to do that.

    I think if your current relationship is something you want to sustain, it is important you begin to open this subject up with your partner… if need be with the help of a couples councilor. There *are* ways to make sex interesting again (at least sometimes). There could *also* be (eventually, if the trust is established) ways for you to go outside the relationship for sexual experiences *without* it being a threat to the relationship. That's a big one with lots of variables. But one example is participating in erotic massage type events (Body Electric, for example). The focus isn't just 'sex' with one other person… It can't actually be called 'sex' at all, really… but it is erotically stimulating. Doing that sort of thing occasionally helped me when in the monogamous gay relationship.
  • chilo1959

    Posts: 1

    Apr 24, 2014 4:33 PM GMT
    High

    I have been with my partner 24 years and although sex has always been good between us I crave sex with other partners. Especially exploring differnet avenues - like BDSM. I have also heard about Slamming Paties - and wonder what that would be like?
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    Apr 24, 2014 7:40 PM GMT
    I've wondered about this and while I think I could enjoy being long-term monogamous with the right guy--assuming such a person exists--I don't have the history to know so anyone would be risking that with me. I've had three open LTRs (nothing planned, just worked out that way), a two-year and two 10s, the longest two being with great guys, only death could have parted us, though the last not being very sexually compatible while his predecessor was a guy I still lust for.

    But even then, while probably I could have been satisfied with my 1st 10-year guy in a monogamous relationship, he was a practicing bisexual, polysexual, actually, so it simply might have been that chemistry in the works that makes me feel like I could have been monogamous with a guy who could not have in being true to his self. I don't know. All I have to go on are those experiences.
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    Apr 24, 2014 7:54 PM GMT
    Having sex with the person youre in love with should never be a "sacrifice" so no, I never experienced that because I enjoyed being with them (had 2 ltr that lasted around 4 years each).
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    Apr 24, 2014 8:12 PM GMT


    "I have a problem: I find that sex with the same person gets boring fast (after 3-6 months with the same person, it feels it boring). The fact that it starts off with sparks flying like crazy does not stop it from fading off and becoming boring."

    How often were you guys having sex?
    Was there anything going on romantically, and how intense was that?
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    Apr 24, 2014 9:11 PM GMT
    I'm not sure this is uncommon in LTR and requires some changes by the partners to keep things interesting. It does mean you have to discuss sex and I think that is something that way too many couples (gay and stricon_cool.gif don't do. It's the taboo subject to talk openly about what you like or don't like for fear the other person will freak out thinking you're a pervert or something.

    Communications is the first approach, then you see what develops from that between the two of you but if the love is strong (the other 95% of your time together) then the small sexual mogul that seems like a challenge can be conquered.
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    Apr 25, 2014 4:10 AM GMT
    woodsmen saidI have sex for 19 years with only one person. Not bored at all, giggles!

    We'll all be over to take lessons icon_lol.gificon_eek.gificon_lol.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_lol.gif
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    Apr 25, 2014 5:21 AM GMT
    Surely sex in a relationship makes you feel safer because you know the guy you're with and happier because your partner only wants sex with you?

    Why would anyone want to have sex outside of a relationship?

    No judgement I'm just confused because I just don't understand. I only get it when one or both partners falls for someone else.
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    Apr 25, 2014 3:15 PM GMT
    Danny_boy93 saidSurely sex in a relationship makes you feel safer because you know the guy you're with and happier because your partner only wants sex with you?

    Why would anyone want to have sex outside of a relationship?

    No judgement I'm just confused because I just don't understand. I only get it when one or both partners falls for someone else.


    With all the judgmental garbage on this forum, your approach is refreshing and appreciated.

    As to the issue of safety, monogamy of course reduces risk of catching something--which to me is a matter of medicine, not morals--though you specified safety with regard to being emotionally safe and that simply is a matter of jealousy which some of us do not have. I'm not jealous that my one friend has other friends. I'm glad for them that they have that and I enjoy myself being happy for them.

    As to why would anyone have sex outside a primary relationship, well, there could be lots of reasons. The guy might have lost his dick in war so why should his partner also suffer that loss? He might be undergoing cancer therapy which makes him impotent so why then does his partner have to lose his own sex life? It would kill me to know that my condition made my partner needlessly suffer. There's enough pain built into the world. You don't have to manufacture any.

    With my three relationships, my first two-year was recently out of high school, we were young and exploring ourselves. That open relationship did not work out because he found someone he thought he was more sexually compatible with, dumped me but when that didn't work he later tried contacting me again. But while I'm not into jealousy, I am into loyalty. I did not even consider taking him back.

    With my first 10-year bud, he was not gay, but a practicing bi/polysexual. I loved him, still do, so I never would have wanted for him to be anything but who he was. I'd find anything less to be disrespectful of his life. So our sex life was super fun.

    And with my last guy, another 10-year-er, we simply were not sexually compatible. He was into anal sex and I'm not. But we were so incredibly compatible otherwise, entirely intimate with each other that denying our relationship over sex would have been stupid. So that was open too.
  • takashi

    Posts: 192

    Apr 26, 2014 6:59 PM GMT
    Wow! this is really an interesting thread.

    I have been through many relationships.
    Things change from when you are young and when you become older.
    What you look for in a relationship is different.
    When you are younger, sex may be much more important than when you become older, more mature.
    When I was young I was in many very dangerous and disastrous relationships but they lasted surprisingly long. We would fight constantly and since I was always the smaller, I took a lot of abuse. But I was very submissive and there was a part of me that enjoyed that abuse. Everything led to having sex. These relationships were obviously not meant to last.

    Now being older, sex is not the primary aspect in relationships. You can be intimate without having sex, kissing, hugging, caressing, etc. For older tops it takes time for them to get ready to perform (unless they use the little blue pill). I love it when I am hugged and kissed by a big, warm, bear of a man.

    I am older and now just have friends with benefits. We meet whenever we feel like it. Sometimes for drinks, for dinner, for a drive out to a beach and sometimes if it feels right we have sex. This has been the most pressure free time of my life and I share it with several guys that are interested in me. Life is relatively good for now.