Being overly critical

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 27, 2014 10:19 PM GMT
    I've been having the most trouble with my self esteem since I was a child and years later, nothing seems to have changed. Both physically and mentally, I've always felt inadequate. I always read and hear that confidence comes from yourself and things you are good at but despite all my accomplishments in the last year and despite my great personality(according to friends), I can't really remember a time in the last decade I've actually liked myself.

    I honestly think I'm overly critical of myself. It's to the point where my accomplishments mean next to nothing to me. I'm happy for a day for what I achieved and everything is back to shit the next. My mental process is sort of like

    "I lost 35lbs." So?
    "I got into my university's medical academy." So?
    "I got a 3.5 GPA." So?
    "Me, a bio major, got the highest score on a calculus exam in a class full of engineers." So?

    I really do not know how to reverse or eliminate these thoughts. People tell me I'm funny,smart, a great friend, someone that they can always rely on but I subconsciously never take these things to heart. It was part of my first post here; I never seem to like the way I look. The only people who I've met that have found me attractive have basically just had some kind of fetish. Dark skinned, tall with a naturally serious, borderline angry face seems to invite all the thug/bbc fetishists, hoping to get fucked by a "down low homothug" with a "big African dick." Real quotes in real life BTW.

    I just want to know if anyone else had any experience with this and if it isn't a problem anymore, how? This thought process made high school the worse years of my life and its on track to ruining college.
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    Apr 27, 2014 10:33 PM GMT
    confidence and self assurance. They come from you.

    Who are you though? as a person, what are your dreams, what do you hope for and what drives you forward even though your not impressed with anything you do.

    Do you like who you are? and i don't mean do you like what you do I mean who you are that person in your head.

    If you answer no then what don't you like and change it every day accept your going to change it and word towards developing new habits that move you towards that goal rather then some path that keeps you on your current one.

    I used to hate who I was, I hated what was happening in my life, I hated everything about me even though I'd done so much with my life and had managed things that people my age couldn't even begin to think about I'd done it. I hated my self for it and I kept doing it.

    But one day things needed to change but I couldn't stop doing what I was doing because what I was doing was important so I had to change how I thought of things, how I thought of the people around me and most importantly how I thought of my self.

    So I changed, I picked one thing to change and I worked out what I'd prefer to do instead and I worked on that for a while eventually it became second nature and it wasn't until like a year later that I realised I'd changed a lot more then I had thought.

    I pulled a brick from the wall I didn't stop to think about the rest of it but by doing that one little act and focusing on it I changed everything and I've never stopped.

    You'll only become confident and self assured when you give it to your self what other people are doing when they give you compliments are validating you that's it.
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    Apr 27, 2014 11:04 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidconfidence and self assurance. They come from you.

    Who are you though? as a person, what are your dreams, what do you hope for and what drives you forward even though your not impressed with anything you do.

    Do you like who you are? and i don't mean do you like what you do I mean who you are that person in your head.

    If you answer no then what don't you like and change it every day accept your going to change it and word towards developing new habits that move you towards that goal rather then some path that keeps you on your current one.

    I used to hate who I was, I hated what was happening in my life, I hated everything about me even though I'd done so much with my life and had managed things that people my age couldn't even begin to think about I'd done it. I hated my self for it and I kept doing it.

    But one day things needed to change but I couldn't stop doing what I was doing because what I was doing was important so I had to change how I thought of things, how I thought of the people around me and most importantly how I thought of my self.

    So I changed, I picked one thing to change and I worked out what I'd prefer to do instead and I worked on that for a while eventually it became second nature and it wasn't until like a year later that I realised I'd changed a lot more then I had thought.

    I pulled a brick from the wall I didn't stop to think about the rest of it but by doing that one little act and focusing on it I changed everything and I've never stopped.

    You'll only become confident and self assured when you give it to your self what other people are doing when they give you compliments are validating you that's it.


    "Do you like who you are?"

    I don't think I've ever been able to answer that question. I'm always jumping between no and i don't know. I really don't know what to do to change. I have a lot of trouble making conversation because I'm terrible at small talk. It just feels so pointless to me and I get no enjoyment out of doing it. I struggle with being social, making friends because my personality seems to clash with a lot of people here. My college is kind of isolated and you;re not going anywhere without a car. I can't really stand the parties on campus and the most exciting thing to do at parties off campus is get into fights or shot at.

    I am still working out to get the body I want but with 35lbs lost, I don't feel any closer. I still feel the same and in my eyes, look the same.
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    Apr 27, 2014 11:09 PM GMT
    Sentinel_Ike said"Do you like who you are?"

    I don't think I've ever been able to answer that question. I'm always jumping between no and i don't know. I really don't know what to do to change. I have a lot of trouble making conversation because I'm terrible at small talk. It just feels so pointless to me and I get no enjoyment out of doing it. I struggle with being social, making friends because my personality seems to clash with a lot of people here. My college is kind of isolated and you;re not going anywhere without a car. I can't really stand the parties on campus and the most exciting thing to do at parties off campus is get into fights or shot at.

    I am still working out to get the body I want but with 35lbs lost, I don't feel any closer. I still feel the same and in my eyes, look the same.

    ugh small talk. Something the uninteresting do a lot of.

    having said that small talk is a good social lubricant it can lead to bigger, better and more interesting things.

    On that what made you focus on changing that particular aspect of you (physical)? you've started making it a habit now to move down to the next part on the list.

    Learn to be more social, take interest in what's happening in the world, local sports, things that people find interesting. I'm not saying become a fan but being able to talk sports or other interests ease small talk.

    Look to being more social within your areas of interest as well not just generally social.
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    Apr 27, 2014 11:30 PM GMT
    I've actually been trying to lose weight since the 11th grade. The whole thing has been frustrating. I tend to stay away from the news. Enough negativity in my life already.

    I've actually lost the time to do the things I used to enjoy, which probably led to my decline. I just don't have the time now to just sit down and read something I liked.

    I'll try on trying to become more social but I would be lying if I didn't say I'm not getting my hopes very high.
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    Apr 27, 2014 11:32 PM GMT
    Sentinel_Ike saidI've actually been trying to lose weight since the 11th grade. The whole thing has been frustrating. I tend to stay away from the news. Enough negativity in my life already.

    I've actually lost the time to do the things I used to enjoy, which probably led to my decline. I just don't have the time now to just sit down and read something I liked.

    I'll try on trying to become more social but I would be lying if I didn't say I'm not getting my hopes very high.

    And well done on getting this far with your weight loss.

    If you enjoy reading join a monthly book club. Reading for 20 minutes in bed every night is oddly very relaxing and lets your mind wander away from life stresses.

    If being social is what you want then work on that. Otherwise find what else you want to work on and focus on it and make changes.
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    Apr 27, 2014 11:33 PM GMT
    Can we hear more about that large African penis first, though? icon_lol.gif
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    Apr 27, 2014 11:40 PM GMT
    ElectroShark saidCan we hear more about that large African penis first, though? icon_lol.gif


    Lol yea one of the male cheerleaders in my high school came up to me with that. Didn't even know I was bi.

    Where can I get that kind of confidence? icon_eek.gif
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Apr 28, 2014 1:15 AM GMT
    Hmm, self esteem, confidence, and self love can take years even decades to actualize. And you are a baby at 18.

    Just throw yourself into things, don't be afraid to fuck up. You will go insane trying to keep control all of the time. Life sometimes makes no sense.
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    Apr 28, 2014 1:32 AM GMT
    All I read is the So? Part

    With that written..

    Sooooooo? What? Haha

  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Apr 28, 2014 1:54 AM GMT
    Well, Ike, it sounds like you have a lot to be proud of on a lot of levels. Dopeamine is right, it can take years to develop self-worth and self-esteem.

    It is interesting how there are different "types" of people. Some can be born in the worst situations, have all kinds of shit dumped on them, but nothing sticks. Others can have all the advantages and still feel like fuck-ups. It seems to be part upbringing (programming) and part biochemical.

    The thing is this, we (humans) are creatures of habit. Habits are the billions of things we do everyday without giving them any thought or attention at all. Saying "So?" to yourself is a habit. Not appreciating your accomplishments is a habit. Thinking negatively about yourself is a habit.

    To break a habit you have to first identify it. So, it might help to make note of these habits. Literally jot them down in a note book. THEN, watch yourself. Notice when you engage that habit… what triggered it?

    The only way to break a habit is to re-program yourself. Catch yourself in the act (for example) of saying, "So?" to some accomplishment. Identify it as a habit in your mind. See it for what it is. Now, say, "Wow, man, that's awesome!" to yourself. Even if you don't believe it, think it anyway. Maybe look yourself in the mirror and say it out loud. Give yourself a smile, a wink, and some sort of congratulatory 'slap on the back'.

    Start making THAT (kind of thing) the new habit.

    Habits are sort of like gullys… where water has eroded a hillside. The more it rains, the deeper the gully gets. So, unconscious thoughts spill through us and get channeled through these already established habits. To change, you have to re-route the mental cascade… and to do that you have to be awake, conscious enough to catch it.

    It's a bit of a struggle. It takes some mental (and emotional) awareness and discipline. But it can be done. It gets easier the more often you do it, so do it often. When ever you think of it, tell yourself: "You're doing alright, man. In fact, you're doing great!" Keep telling yourself that over and over because it is true.