Going Around in Circles: Not Sure if Ex Want's Me Back

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2014 2:15 AM GMT
    My boyfriend of 2 years and I took a break about 5 months ago on the condition of being friends yet we hung out every (or almost every other weekend).... Then he doesn't contact me for about a month. Then about a week ago he invited me to his place, which I haven't been to since 5 months ago, to check out his newly decorated apartment. That was unexpected... we have wine and talk casually like nothing ever happened- we never drank wine when we were together (what's that about?) We go out to eat, during the conversation I mention I heard from an old HS friend back home and a little bit of his jealously flares up thinking he's an old flame or something to which he says: " Who's this guy? You've never told me about him before." Despite that we make plans to see each other the next weekend.

    We go out to dinner last night and it feels like one of our first dates. All those old feeling flood back, plus some butterflies. Then we both get quiet and I almost want to have a talk with him about what's going on between us but I stop myself from bringing it up since if he want's to get back together it should happen naturally and he knows I'm a LTR oriented person.

    The topic turns to his roommate who he starts complaining about and about apartment hunting, of which I'm also doing soon too. That morphs into future goals of owning a home some day.... and he get's kind of quiet. I can tell he's thinking about something but not sure what. I'd like to think that he's wondering if we get back together if we should move in together but that's his decision.

    My instinct is leaning towards his recent behavior being him working things out with himself and realizing he misses me and might want to get back together in the coming weeks. We were eachother's first LTR so there's that meaningfulness we have about eachother. The other part of me is thinking it's wishful thinking and I should move on to someone who isn't so wishy washy about their feelings for me. After all he hasn't told me; "I think we should get back together" and it's been a little while now.... If it's meant to be it's meant to be can't (shouldn't) force that.

    Not quiet sure what to think right now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2014 2:19 AM GMT
    Have an authentic, fierce conversation with him.

    "Fierce Conversations" by Susan Scott.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2014 2:23 AM GMT
    If YOU want to get back together make a move, if not, move on.

    this dithering, maybe, maybe not, not quite yet, maybe then but not now BS is bad for both of you.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Apr 28, 2014 2:26 AM GMT
    U just gotta have that convo.

    I suggest u have another wine night.... u know get him to drink a bit and so he'll open up and be real with u. And just ask him, like wtf?

    Tell him u been feenin for his love. You love him. U want him.
    This being quiet and respecting boundaries and all that bullshit is super annoying. Your life is on hold here, waiting for old limp-dick to make his mind up.


    Get him drunk. Ask him what the deal is and tell him u can't wait around any more. Is this gonna happen or not? I mean, u gave him like 5 months already.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Apr 28, 2014 2:32 AM GMT
    Yes, since you are the one who is mentioning it, you should move on to someone else, because you obviously don't have the feelings for him that you should have when looking to get into an LTR. If you have to think about it that much and make that much work to become a couple, then you are not in love with each other. If you are looking for a relationship of convenience, then maybe you should discuss a prenup.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Apr 28, 2014 3:05 AM GMT
    Your instincts may be right about him working it out. Not sure Monhawk is right but you haven't told us how you feel about him. These thoughts in the head can get in the way. They're useful sometimes but what we need to know is how you feel. Do you know how you feel? Do you love this man? Be honest with yourself about that.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Apr 28, 2014 3:13 AM GMT
    is hate-fucking him an option for now?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2014 4:02 AM GMT
    bhp91126 saidIf YOU want to get back together make a move, if not, move on.

    this dithering, maybe, maybe not, not quite yet, maybe then but not now BS is bad for both of you.

    +1
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    Apr 28, 2014 4:05 AM GMT
    follow your heart
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2014 4:06 AM GMT
    "If YOU want to get back together make a move, if not, move on.
    this dithering, maybe, maybe not, not quite yet, maybe then but not now BS is bad for both of you"

    Yep. The fact is that either he's jerking you around or he's not got the nerve to speak up. Either way? It's time for a blunt and honest conversation.
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    Apr 28, 2014 4:34 AM GMT
    I've an ex like this both moved on - I'll be visiting him soon icon_biggrin.gif

    Barely communicate but, is there if I need him.

    Just accept where it is and do your thing.

    I wouldn't hang out so much though... reads like mud in your eye.
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    Apr 28, 2014 12:15 PM GMT
    Erobert said We were eachother's first LTR so there's that meaningfulness we have about eachother. The other part of me is thinking it's wishful thinking and I should move on to someone who isn't so wishy washy about their feelings for me.

    Yes your feelings tell you what is really going on here. If recommitment was going to happen it would be obvious to both of you by now. All the ambivalence means you both are willing to toy with the idea but you have good reasons why it won't work.
    Your first relationship will always be special to you. But take what you have learned from it and move on to your next experience which will be better and stronger because of it. If you just want to recapture the past you will miss the chance to grow.
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    Apr 28, 2014 2:09 PM GMT
    Erobert said ... took a break about 5 months ago on the condition of being friends... Then he doesn't contact me for about a month. Then about a week ago he invited me to his plac...we never drank wine when we were together ...


    he was dating someone,something you should do too. I really think this is the end of your relationship with him

    also you guys should talk it over. You had some good moments to ask questions that you let pass.
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    Apr 28, 2014 2:14 PM GMT
    Before you talk with him about getting back together think about three things first
    1) Why did you guys decide to break up and has anything changed about those reasons.
    2) If he says a big flat No. Are you ready to deal with it emotionally?
    3) Do you want him back, if yes why? Is it because it would be easier than meeting someone new or that you are scared of being alone. Unless your answer is you want to be with him and only him there is no reason to pursue a relationship with him again.

    Going to back to your ex is easier for you because you have that history, that comfort with him but you also ended things romantically for a reason. I will say spend time with him but don't keep your hopes up too much.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 28, 2014 3:32 PM GMT
    I think you are getting some good advice. I certainly would think carefully about your own goals, where your life is presently and evaluate if seeing him really adds or not.

    Just because he is your first relationship, don't get caught up in the old feelings and ignore where you both are presently. I'd evaluate all, including why you broke up and issues you know that you have.... and how to better deal with those problems. Communication is ALWAYS key in a relationship and the sooner you start talking to him the better. Good luck with it!

    icon_biggrin.gif
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Apr 28, 2014 3:45 PM GMT
    Ya, sorry, mate, but I think you're done as a couple. You're still stuck in that First Love haze and that is precious, but it definitely sounds like he was looking for something and he wasn't sure it was you. It is possible he just wasn't ready, but it certainly sounds like he still isn't. Good long term (forever?) relationships seldom take this trajectory. I totally understand how your heart feels but the fact that you know so little about what was and is in his head suggests it wasn't really there to begin with. As much as you both wanted it to be.
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    Apr 28, 2014 4:47 PM GMT
    Have some damn self respect, gurl.
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    Apr 28, 2014 8:45 PM GMT
    Keep in mind all the reasons you two broke up. Unless something has materially changed, whatever they were will recur.
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    Apr 28, 2014 9:30 PM GMT
    ElectroShark saidKeep in mind all the reasons you two broke up. Unless something has materially changed, whatever they were will recur.


    I think that this is the more important question to ask yourself.

    Why did you guys break up; what was the problem before and assuming your ex does want you back, if you got back together, would this problem be resolved or would it still persist?

    You've done the wine and dining thing with him; you get butterflies, you already know that he still excites you (and that you probably still excite him). The question is, have you guys truly worked out your issues?

    If it's evident that you guys have, I would articulate this to him and express that whatever wrongfulness has passed and that you guys are strong enough to make it work. You have to believe it, though, and it has to be in your heart.

    If not, expect more of this:
    bhp91126 said...dithering, maybe, maybe not, not quite yet, maybe then but not now BS...
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    Apr 28, 2014 10:18 PM GMT
    Invite him to your place....pop a bottle of champagne along with some chocolate....once hes a bit drunk ...kiss him....and tell him u still love him....see how he reacts if he says he loves u too then get back together...simple as that....what is all this drama about ?

    Oh and if he rejects u then just accept it and move on finally...in that case hes just a loser with no friends so he prefers to hang out with his ex rather than be alone.
  • camfer

    Posts: 891

    Apr 28, 2014 11:49 PM GMT
    Erobert said

    ... and he get's kind of quiet. I can tell he's thinking about something but not sure what.


    Next time this happens, ask him what he's thinking about.
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    Apr 29, 2014 8:52 AM GMT
    To be brutally honest, hell no, dont get back together with him. I have a feeling, he's just stringing you along. Who broke up with who in the beginning?. My ex and I did the whole on and off, official unofficial x moving in and out but ultimately I knew he wasn't the one. I finally was ok with that and looking back at it now. I should've listen to my instincts off the bat. You can't fix something already broken.
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    Apr 29, 2014 11:37 AM GMT
    I don't understand why moving in together is soley his decision. Why can't that be yours? If you love this guy why can't you just say, "Love, I wanna be with you."

    What do you want?
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    May 11, 2014 3:41 PM GMT
    RemyLoV saidI don't understand why moving in together is soley his decision. Why can't that be yours? If you love this guy why can't you just say, "Love, I wanna be with you."

    What do you want?


    I would like to get back together but that probably isn't going to happen within the near future since as he said he's "not sure he can be in a relationship with anyone"

    He invited me out to lunch yesterday and 1/2 way through mentioned something that made me think he wanted to bring up getting back together; just a passing comment about a friend wanting to get back together with his ex which I asked what he thinks they should do. To which he responded with a mixed answer. I gave him an apology for anything I've done in the passed to hurt him and such, which caught him off guard but answered dismissively with "no one's perfect" Seeing what I was hunting at he thinks he made the right decision... It frustrated me and peeved me a bit that he didn't want to talk further about it. Time to move on to someone who actually wants me and doesn't play games. Also I thought why do I want to get back together with someone who doesn't have those living feelings for me anymore? That makes no sense since there are guys out there who can give me what I seeking...

    I think I'm making it harder than it really should be to move on since I haven't gone on a date, it's been 6 months now since the split. Time to start dating again, it's NYC in the summertime so my chances of finding someone are pretty good. At the same time it sucks to start all over again- the last date I was on was the first date with my ex nearly 3 years ago. Worried about an uphill battle due to being rusty. Guess it's about having the right mindset.