Unintentionally hurt a close friend

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    May 03, 2014 8:32 AM GMT
    I have a really close gay friend with whom I hang out at least several times a week. (No sexual tension, we're not each other's type at all, let's get that part out of the way lol; that's why we're such good friends) We used to be part of a larger circle of gay friends until I got tired of the village and the quality of people there, so recently, after it got to a breaking point in terms of divergent moral standards, we withdrew from the scene along with a few friends, while separating from some of our closest former friends. Our plan is to try making new friends from outside the scene gay or straight, in order to find the well-adjusted gays, and also to be better rounded.

    I'm out to my family, all my friends, coworkers, etc, but I've rarely let my gay and straight worlds intersect other than during pride week, partly because I'm embarrassed by the gayness of some of my friends, and partly out of habit from back when I was closeted.

    Tonight I went to dinner with the gay friend, before attending a house party with my law school friends and acquaintances. He asked why I didn't invite him "is it because I'm too gay??" I insisted that it's not him but rather simply my unreadiness to mix my gay and straight worlds, which falls flat in the face of the number of gays from my class attending the party. The truth is I find his appearance and voice extremely gay and unattractive, so I don't want to bring just one gay friend to a mostly-straight party, for fear of the embarrassment from people thinking that I am or was dating someone like that.

    He pointed out that him being a lawyer too makes him a "lawyer friend" rather than a "gay friend" in this context. He was unconvinced by my repeated denaials, was visibly hurt that I didn't see him as "better" than the other village gays, and said that I murdered his sense of self worth. He said that since his efforts to man up has obviously failed in my eyes, he might as well rejoin our old friends and continue life as a village gay. He's 5 years older than me, so I dunno why he needs my approval, but he says it means a lot to him.

    Anyway dinner ended abruptly because he wanted alone time in the wake of this devastating discovery, so I went to the party, by which point I realized that I was a fool for worrying so much about my image, and selfish for putting this image obsession over our shared desire to meet new people. It was a great crowd that I know he would have enjoyed.

    Anyway I learned my lesson and hope to mend fences...
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    May 03, 2014 9:17 AM GMT
    Anyone who blames someone for "murdering their self worth" need 10cc of man-the-fuck-up medicine. It's up to him how he reacts to a situation and how he feels. It's not like you lobotomised him with an ice pick.

    Tell him to drop the drama and get on with life.

    Simples
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    May 03, 2014 2:06 PM GMT
    emptycloset said ... so I went to the party, by which point I realized that I was a fool for worrying so much about my image, and selfish for putting this image obsession over our shared desire ...



    obvious you need to fix your self image thingy. be the kind confidant one in the room and people will recognize you.
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    May 03, 2014 2:31 PM GMT

    "I have a really close gay friend with whom I hang out at least several times a week. (No sexual tension, we're not each other's type at all, let's get that part out of the way lol; that's why we're such good friends) We used to be part of a larger circle of gay friends until I got tired of the village and the quality of people there, so recently, after it got to a breaking point in terms of divergent moral standards, we withdrew from the scene along with a few friends, while separating from some of our closest former friends. Our plan is to try making new friends from outside the scene gay or straight, in order to find the well-adjusted gays, and also to be better rounded."

    Wow, that's really a good friend that would do that with you.

    ......and his reward was....

    "Tonight I went to dinner with the gay friend, before attending a house party with my law school friends and acquaintances. He asked why I didn't invite him "is it because I'm too gay??" I insisted that it's not him but rather simply my unreadiness to mix my gay and straight worlds, which falls flat in the face of the number of gays from my class attending the party. The truth is I find his appearance and voice extremely gay and unattractive, so I don't want to bring just one gay friend to a mostly-straight party, for fear of the embarrassment from people thinking that I am or was dating someone like that."

    However,

    "Anyway I learned my lesson and hope to mend fences..."

    Please begin by not ever ever ever doing this to someone you consider 'close friend' for such terrible reasons.




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    May 03, 2014 8:40 PM GMT
    emptycloset saidI have a really close gay friend with whom I hang out at least several times a week. . . .

    Tonight I went to dinner with the gay friend, before attending a house party with my law school friends and acquaintances. He asked why I didn't invite him "is it because I'm too gay??"

    If it is your choice to adopt a semi-closeted lifestyle - with different friends in different circles, that it would be advisable to be somewhat more discreet, and not to tell someone like your friend of your going to a party that he might have wanted to attend with you (if he knew about it). If you hadn't told him you were going to this party, he would not have gotten upset with you.
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    May 03, 2014 9:26 PM GMT
    If you're gonna get embarassed being associated with someone because of how he looks, sounds or acts, you really aren't as good a friend as you thought. Considering that you two left "the villagers" for that reason, id assume that would've made you value your friend way more than your actions portray. Anyway, moving right along, apologise and let it be. Yes you were slightly douchey as a bud, but he should also stop being too melodramatic about things. It really isn't a hand-to-chest "oh the horror" situation now.
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    May 03, 2014 9:51 PM GMT
    it really comes down to this.

    Your both worth his friendship.

    So either become someone who is or walk away.
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    May 03, 2014 11:01 PM GMT
    hes' your friend first… or was your friend first…. icon_cry.gif
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    May 04, 2014 3:53 AM GMT
    As someone who tried going through a manning up phase i can see where your friend is coming from. I hope he realizes that if who he is as a person is too embarrassing for you to handle he needs a healthier friendship. It sounds like you still want to keep the closet an option even if you never want to go back in. Your burden isn't his and both of you need to realize this.
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    May 05, 2014 1:50 AM GMT
    I texted him after the party saying I was an idiot and should have invited him (that was before I posted the story here). The next day we went out for lunch, where he admitted to overreacting, blaming a few other recent setbacks to his self-esteem at work and in his love life. I explained my insecurities and this irrational fear of being romantically associated with someone I'm not physically attracted to, and my intention to invite him to future straight events and stop caring about what others think. Anyway, we're fully reconciled and this is now no more than another notch on the signpost of all the offences I had caused him over the years lol.

    I made one last mistake, when he asked me how many gay guys were at the party and I truthfully answered what seemed like a very high number to him lol.
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    May 05, 2014 9:23 PM GMT
    I'm really glad that you've learned from this mistake.

    No one is perfect and what's important is that you've chosen to learn and grow from this experience. I'm glad that your friend was able to forgive you, he sounds like a good friend. Those are too few and far between; don't ever take them for granted.

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    May 05, 2014 9:28 PM GMT


    " Anyway, we're fully reconciled and this is now no more than another notch on the signpost of all the offences I had caused him over the years"

    Your poor friend. icon_eek.gif
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    May 05, 2014 10:28 PM GMT
    Omg he sounds like a baaaabe