New to dating, met a guy, need advice!

  • Extroram

    Posts: 4

    May 07, 2014 7:48 PM GMT
    Hey guys,I need a lot of advice. I apologize for this wall of text.

    So I recently got hooked on the Tinder app and have been chatting up some guys / meeting a few in safe public places. I have stated upfront to many of the guys that I am looking initially for friends but that if something does develop that I would not be opposed to something more casual / committed.

    One of the guys I recently went on a date with really hit it off with me and initiated the conversation on Tinder. We talked for maybe a week before meeting and we seemed to really click well / were flirting with each other. So I decided that it would be ok if we met in person.

    So when we were trying to decide what to do when we were to meet up, he mentioned that he wanted to go to a musical but I told him that, since seats were expensive, and I am a college student, I could not put down $100+ on seats when it probably wouldn't be the best setting to get to know a guy. So he agreed and we decided to get dinner at an restaurant instead.

    Now this is where the real story begins and I will need advice at the end.

    So I propose that we go to this restaurant that is farther away than he would like to drive (35-40+ minutes), so he tells and I choose somewhere closer (~10-15 minutes). He picks me up, we go to the restaurant, have a good time, chat a lot and I thought that we really clicked, though he tells me he would have preferred the musical as it was a more casual, but still said that he had a good time. Afterwards, he decides to drive me to a dessert place (which is 40+ minutes away, which I thought was unusual since he didn't want to drive that far for dinner) so I go, we get dessert, and end up sitting for 2 hours in his car in the parking lot talking.

    Drive back takes over an hour and for some reason I needed to use the restroom so we stopped at this apartment. We talk for maybe 3 hours and its around 2-3 am. So by this point, I am not sure if he is interested in pursuing anything, so I slyly if he is interested ask him and he responds "what do you think?". So we start becoming intimate and I spend the night but we don't have any anal sex, just oral sex and cuddling and that was good. He tells me that he didn't want to have anal sex, since I being a virgin, he told me it wouldn't be appropriate to do this on a first date / he didn't want me to regret anything. I told him I understood. I go back the next day and we agree to keep in contact.

    Now here is where the confusing stuff starts. Later in the day after I got back, he texts me and says that though he really likes me, and that I'm a very cute, funny, intelligent guy, he doesn't see us in a serious relationship and apologizes if he lead me on and offers that we stay friends. Now I tell him that I understand that he is a very busy person at the moment (applying for dental school + working 2 jobs + competing in a sport) and that I understand if he doesn't want to develop something because it would be too much time / doesn't want the pressure of making a future decision if a relationship if also involved.

    IMPORTANT: He texts me 2 days later telling me that after thinking about what I said, that he was wanted to "remain platonic, for now", which I thought was a reversal of his previous statement that he would not want anything romantic to develop. Especially the "for now" part. He tells me that he will talk to me the next day.

    So the next day I ask him how it's going and he doesn't respond. I ask him later that evening and he tells me that something traumatic happened to him the night before and that he wasn't ready to talk to me, or anyone else. So I apologize for bothering him and proceed to maybe text him 1-2 times a day just telling him that I hope his day goes well / hope he gets better soon. This began on Thursday.

    So by Saturday, I text him and ask him that if he wanted me to stop contacting him that all he needs to do is say so and I would stop. He texts me back much quicker than usual (~30 minutes vs. the usually 5-6 hours) saying that it is not like that and that he is going through a rough week. I apologize and tell him that I hope he gets better soon. This happened on Saturday.

    I continue to text him 1-2 times a day, similarly telling him I hope he is having a good day / get better soon, and though he didn't respond from late Saturday until Monday, I don't know if it was just because he was still vulnerable emotionally / busy with other affairs. On Monday he begins to talk with me again, albeit not a often as when we were texting on Tinder (I have his # by now) and we probably had our longest conversation in a week and he is much more joking now than earlier in the week but tells me that he is busy with catch-up work. So I keep conversation, trying to still keep my distance until he is ready to talk more.

    By Tuesday (almost a week after he told me something tragic happened to him), I learn that not only did he have bad food poisoning but also that some tragic event did happen that I did not ask about, since I didn't think it was my right to know.

    Now, he told me he needed to talk to me the week prior after he told me we should remain platonic for now, but since he got sick / tragedy arose, I understood why he would have put off talking to me. However, since I don't know where he stood about what would happen, if anything between us, I didn't know what to believe or what to do. Some of my friends said that he was playing me, others said that if he was playing me, he could have easily gotten sex on the 1st date and been done with it but he didn't.

    So I asked him if we could meet face to face when he had time since I wanted to talk about things. I didn't think that this was too demanding of him. And here we are.

    So my question is:

    1. Was / is this guy interested in me? Or am I reading too much into things?
    - I know that it was only 1 date, so I know that something could / could not develop. I just don't want to keep nagging him to hang out if he already implied that he was not interested.

    2. Am I being too clingy texting him 1-2 a day or is this ok, especially give the traumatic circumstances?

    - I will state again that I asked him if he wanted me to stop contacting him and he said no, so I don't know if he is just too nice to say no or if he is comfortable with this.
    - Additionally, I felt that if he still wanted to talk to me and I just bailed on him after he told me something traumatic happened, I would feel awful / guilty that I would do such a thing when someone could be emotionally vulnerable.
    - Furthermore, he did start talking to me in a more whimsical tone like when first began talking to him, so I don't really know how to take this. I thought that guys who were not interested / annoyed would have just blocked my number / stopped responding entirely.

    3. What should I do? Should I stop talking to him, wait for him to come to me, or continue to try to meet up?
    - I'm kind of waiting to see but I'm worried if I stop talking that he will take that as disinterest rather than me waiting for him to initiate conversation.

    I know that my version of the story is biased / it's hard to convey in writing. But I would like any advice that can be given.

    Note: I am VERY new to dating so I don't have a lot of experience understanding guys motives / actions when it comes to expressing interest in dating and I don't generally know the best etiquette for contacting a date after having a good time. I am trying to learn about how to date, so I KNOW THAT SOME OF THE STUFF I DID / AM DOING IS PROBABLY ILL-ADVISED OR NOT APPROPRIATE. I just really need help.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 07, 2014 9:29 PM GMT
    too much drama, would you like to live your life like that?
  • Extroram

    Posts: 4

    May 07, 2014 10:17 PM GMT
    I would definitely not want this much drama in my life. I don't particularly like drama but I think this even is just too much drama in part because I have no experience dating and how no idea what I am doing or what I should do.

    Probably will just stop talking to him unless he responds or texts me. The best course of action.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 07, 2014 10:22 PM GMT
    Seems like he doesn't know what he wants, and this is what I would tell him- "When you figure out what you want, call me."
  • Extroram

    Posts: 4

    May 07, 2014 11:18 PM GMT
    It just seem like I received too many mixed signals; probably not the best thing to have happen if I haven't experienced this before.