How to be friends with ex boyfriend and or partners?

  • awayfromtheci...

    Posts: 154

    Jan 03, 2009 8:12 AM GMT
    I am so often amazed at my freinds and their ability to remain friends with their ex's. Help me understand why? Is it that we are desperate for connections? I for one cannot and do not practice this ritual.....I mean, you cheated on me....we will let some time pass and then let's do brunch...WHAT????

    Guys help me understand this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2009 2:06 PM GMT
    break ups arent always because of a cheating event
    could be they were not compatible for a long term relationship
    or grew apart as a couple
    no reason not to maintain a friendship
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2009 2:30 PM GMT
    Relationships are about mutual respect. If you have no mutual respect with your ex, it won't happen. If you were able to end the relationship with some grace, you've got a shot at it.

    Don't pressure yourself if it isn't there. There are many people in life that you know afterwards that you don't need to keep allowing that energy in.
  • UVaRob9

    Posts: 282

    Jan 03, 2009 4:35 PM GMT
    It really depends on how and why the relationship ended. In my case, there was definite drifting in the months before the end. Immediately after we broke up, he did some pretty hurtful, unforgivable things that were a consequence of us still living together. After several months removed from that situation and a lot of realizations on both our parts, we're actually trying to be friends, a first for him. Ex != enemy in general. Sometimes things just don't work and that doesn't mean you should villify the other guy.
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    Jan 03, 2009 4:44 PM GMT
    Hmm...sounds like you need to pick better guys icon_smile.gif Under those circumstances, I don't know if I'd be too friendly either. However, I'd try not to hang on to any anger or resentment either....that takes too much energy. I'm still great friends with both my ex's because we treated each other with respect and just realized that sometimes things just aren't meant to be. It's always a shame to me when people break up and can't be friends. It's like all you've invested in that person is completely wasted....how sad and unnecessary.
  • njnick

    Posts: 167

    Jan 03, 2009 4:49 PM GMT
    I think Thom hit it on head - if your relationship ended for a reason that wasn't cause for true hatred, such as cheating then you have a shot depending on what your relationship was like.

    If you truly love doing things with the person, share similar interests and have things that you really love doing with that person then it makes sense you would still want to spend time and do things with that person after you're no longer a couple. It's not always instant - most of the time you'll go through a phase of not wanting to see or speak to that person, but once you're both over the heartache of the failed relationship it becomes possible.
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    Jan 03, 2009 5:05 PM GMT
    My ex of six and a half years is my best friend. In some respects, we're closer now than before.
    There was no singular or particular instance which caused it, so maybe that makes a difference.
    Our relationship improved by neither living together nor being together, lol
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    Jan 04, 2009 12:00 AM GMT

    I dont believe in staying friends with my ex-boyfriends. The same reasons that led to the break up also preclude a friendship. Since I consider a romantic relationship to be based on friendship, the loss of one automatically means the loss of the other.
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    Jan 04, 2009 3:22 PM GMT
    sfinthecity,

    If it's possible for you to emotionally separate your needs for love, affection, and sex instead of co-mingling them into one BIG thing, then it's possible to be friends with an ex. After all the same basic chemistry between you two should still be there somewhere.

    If you're asking the moral question of whether to forgive cheating, I say yes because it's only hurting you and not him. I'm sorry this must still be painful for you.

    Hugs,
    -Brian

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    Jan 04, 2009 3:27 PM GMT
    Personally, I would not ever be able to come face to face to with my recent ex...let alone be friends with him, no matter how much times passes.

    Long story short, after 2 years of being together I had to move out of state for a little bit to finish school and as soon I left he found someone else and recently moved in with him leaving my stuff on the curb.

    He claimed I was, and still am, his best friend...but if that's how he treats his friends, I am not sure I want any part of that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2009 3:49 PM GMT
    I really have only 3 exes - and I still think a whole lot of good thoughts about them. Geography / career changes are (unfortunately) what got in the way. I regret letting that happen. Money and climbing the corporate ladder is nowhere near as important as quality people in my life.
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Jan 04, 2009 4:02 PM GMT
    How hard I try I cant be just friend with my ex. He is my dream lover , my unfortunate obsesion, my weakness. If he come over to see me mean I be all ready to be fucked by him. Despite our separation is due to "he dumping me for another guy", I will be more than willing to accept him back if he show any intention to get back with me. I know , I am real stupid for talking like this, but nobody else have make me feel as in love as he is.

    For me in order to have some sanity and to open a new chapter of my life is for me to totally forget him. Not even as a friend. This way I can move on and hopefully find another love.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2009 4:07 PM GMT
    It depends on how things ended. I've been able to remain friends with almost all of my ex's because we always had some sort of friendship first. Time heals all wounds right? Now, if things ended on a sour tip, that would be a different story.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jan 05, 2009 4:18 AM GMT
    One of my best friends is an Ex of mine
    We didn't speak for a year after our break up and maybe that's allowed us to be friends
    who knows
    But when you've been intimate and lived with someone
    there is a familiarity there that can lead to a very good friendship
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 05, 2009 7:57 PM GMT
    Relationships can change forms from love to a friendship. I think it all depends on how the break-up went.

    Mine usually transform from love to hate. Ive tried to be friends with ex's and they all hate my guts LOL
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    Jan 06, 2009 12:28 PM GMT
    It's also a matter of understanding your relationship with that person on all levels.

    I always say "I will never be friends with my ex."

    Not because we can't be friendly, but because we will always be ex-lovers. I am close to some of my exes, you may wish to call it friends, but we both know that we didn't start out as friends, we started out as lovers. To us, this means no matter how much we enjoy each others' company now, we will always be ex-lovers.

    Sure, it's just semantics I guess, but it helps to keep both of us aware of what we have been through together, and has often made it much easier to move on to the kind of friendship where we aren't uncomfortable with our past.
  • metalxracr

    Posts: 761

    Jan 06, 2009 12:41 PM GMT
    There surely are qualities in their personalities that you enjoy. I mean isn't that the reason you went out with them in the first place? That's how I see it. Although we may have differences, I will always enjoy my ex's and have love for them.
    I may not be IN love with them, but they are a big part of me. My ex's are my best friends. Except for my last ex... We're still a little TOO close... if you know what I mean icon_twisted.gif But he's an amazing guy!
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    Jan 06, 2009 1:36 PM GMT
    BerberKnight saidA deceived heart will never entirely forgive. If it does, it will never forget.



    I think this is true, unfortunately. If the breakup was painful enough the memory will always stand between you. Friendship requires trust. If your ex betrayed your trust it will take a lot of work to restore it. Depending on what you saw in your ex to begin with, it may or may not be worth it.

    After the most painful breakup I ever went through, that particular ex suggested that we be friends so our investment in each other wouldn't be wasted. His overture was to invite me to have dinner with the man he'd been seeing secretly during the last phase of our relationship. Needless to say that didn't lead to a new era of being friends.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2009 3:17 PM GMT
    BerberKnight saidA deceived heart will never entirely forgive. If it does, it will never forget.


    Wise words.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2009 3:27 PM GMT
    Forgiving is the among the hardest things to do no matter who you are but no one ever forgets when they've been hurt. If they do they've done it on purpose to escape the pain.

    People try to become friends or at least act civil in order to make themselves better for it. Why be mean about it. It's a form of closure and it's healthy to let go of a painful past especially when you've been done wrong.

    Mind you most never forget but forgiving shows class and shows you can rise above it all.. Depending on the situation and nature of the breakup some realize they are better eqipped as friends then lovers. Happens all the time.
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    Jan 06, 2009 4:04 PM GMT
    I need to learn this one as well!
  • CAtoFL

    Posts: 834

    Jan 06, 2009 4:46 PM GMT
    I did break up with my ex because he cheated on me. But now, he's my best friend.

    In my situation, it simply boiled down to how long I wanted to hold a grudge. We'd had a great 6.5 years together. Yeah, he screwed up our relationship and I wouldn't consider having one with him now. But there are also traits he has that I liked and still like. So, why burn the bridge? We know each other really well, so we make good 'sounding boards' for each other.

    I think if you value someone - REALLY value him - and aren't just dating because he has a hot ass, you find that the mental connection goes on despite the rough patches.
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    Jan 16, 2009 3:32 PM GMT
    Cheating is probably the hardest of pains to overcome but not all relationships end as a result of cheating either. I remain in a good friendship with my ex (wife) and when we split we both agreed that our paths would cross until the day we die since we have kids (birthdays, weddings, graduations, etc) and so being angry and bitter is really just wasting good energy on nothing. If you have connections that will bring you together regularly, you're better to try and have a friendship rather than a bitter ending. Life goes on, make the best of it and if you can be friends great, if not, life goes on icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 16, 2009 3:40 PM GMT
    I'm really good friends with my ex. We even have lunch/dinner together (even with his bf LOL). Just be nice and caring (if possible) and DON'T drag up old crap. We were together 25% of our lives so I know his family well and I even keep in touch with his sis and niece (she's gay too haha how fun is that). Life's too short to hold a grudge.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jan 29, 2009 5:22 PM GMT
    MANY OF THESE POSTINGS REINFORCE THE REASONS FOR ALWAYS WEARING A CONDOM!!!!

    If I was in a monogamous relationship and the person cheated on me I would never be their friend. Have some self resspect!