Seemingly no hope for a relationship

  • IrishX

    Posts: 21

    May 12, 2014 12:52 AM GMT
    A little over 4 months ago I met someone on Grindr, we chatted for days before I asked him out. When I asked him out he told me that he had Cerebral Palsy and that his right side was affected, his arm more than his leg. He was shocked when I replied I didn't care and I didn't. When I picked him up and he got into the car there seemed to be an instant connection between us. After diner, we went out and had a wonderful time together...we were openly very affectionate with one another. First date, yes we had sex, but not just ordinary sex...it essentially took place throughout the night. The next morning I took him home thinking that I might see him ever so often, it didn't happen that way...we began to see each other every weekend and sometimes through the week.

    There is a substantial age difference between us, but when we met he said that didn't bother him...it did however, bother me, at least at first. He's just a really wonderful guy, young with the wisdom of an old soul. It was like we had always known one another, he commented on it several times.

    He said that I was one of the very few people that never saw his disability, that all I saw was him for who he is and indeed that's true. He has suffered so much rejection in his life because of his disability and he has been hurt by his one main relationship in the past. As things continued we got more involved, and we just had a great time whenever we were together. One night, while in the middle of a very hot and passionate sexual encounter I let those three words slip from my mouth....he looked at me, but we continued with sex. I told him that I couldn't believe I had just said that, he said he couldn't believe it either. Nothing changed between us.

    Until I my contract was over in his city and I moved back home. I missed him and he told me he missed me. I think I became a bit overbearing with my messages to him and he sorta started to back off a little. He told me that he was just not ready for a relationship and for me not to hope for it. Yet, he wants to visit me and we have also planned on a trip together in a few months. I am trying to back off, not say too much in the way of emotional attraction. He says he doesn't want a relationship and yet when I told him, jokingly, that if we were in a relationship that he would probably leave me in 5 or 10 years for a younger daddy stud than me. He got pissed about that and said that I knew better. He had told me to date other people, but when he asked what I was doing and I told him I had a date then you got pissed again and asked me why I found it necessary to tell him I had a date, he didn't want to know anything about that.

    Now, he is a typical Virgo, I've found he doesn't like to be smothered, doesn't like too much attention...so, I'm at a loss, not knowing how much I can say, the right things to say or even if I should contact him all that often. I might be wasting my time and yet I hope not.

    Any wisdom on the subject?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 12, 2014 12:57 AM GMT
    How much time had passed before you said "I love you?" Be honest.
  • IrishX

    Posts: 21

    May 12, 2014 12:59 AM GMT
    On April 14, last month. So, four months in.
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    May 12, 2014 1:00 AM GMT
    IrishX saidOn April 14, last month. So, four months in.


    Yeah, that would scare the shit out of me too. You're still in the process of getting to know each other. I think that combined with being needy was your death knell. Once you say those words, the carefree fun dates stop and you force the other person to evaluate how they really feel about spending the rest of their life with you. You have to be very sure they're on the same page before saying that.
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    May 12, 2014 1:03 AM GMT
    doooooon't stop I mean trust yourself and whatever but,

    Go for it, encourage him to visit you! Soooo cute! Love story love story love story
  • IrishX

    Posts: 21

    May 12, 2014 1:04 AM GMT
    yeah, but nothing changed between us when we were together. And only last week he asked me if he could come spend a week or two with me...so nothing really came to a quick halt. He just said that I shouldn't expect more than what we have at the moment.
  • IrishX

    Posts: 21

    May 12, 2014 1:05 AM GMT
    Snaz saiddoooooon't stop I mean trust yourself and whatever but,

    Go for it, encourage him to visit you! Soooo cute! Love story love story love story


    Thanks Snaz...I am encouraging him to visit and he's really excited about out trip in August.
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    May 12, 2014 1:07 AM GMT
    My flip response is well what da ya know: guys with disabilities can be players too. But of course he could just be nervous. I don't know the guy to judge.

    Did you ever take a ping pong ball and bounce it under the paddle while bringing the paddle closer to the surface under it and notice how the ball bounces more rapidly the closer the paddle and the surface meet?

    People bounce off each other similarly. So that pushing away a relationship with being standoffish then pulling it back with the jealousy routine is fairly typical.

    He's playing the fence where it's safe until the fall.
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    May 12, 2014 1:09 AM GMT
    IrishX saidyeah, but nothing changed between us when we were together. And only last week he asked me if he could come spend a week or two with me...so nothing really came to a quick halt. He just said that I shouldn't expect more than what we have at the moment.


    Well that's great. It means you still have a chance. Just remember he's not where you are just yet. For God's sake, don't tell him you love him again. Don't be offended by this, but it sounds like he might be more emotionally mature than you. I think him wanting to take things slow is really smart and a sign of a stable person. If you're really needy, you'll want to address that (on your own.) Maybe get some therapy to help you be more self reliant and independent. If you don't think you're too needy, then maybe he has intimacy issues.
  • IrishX

    Posts: 21

    May 12, 2014 1:11 AM GMT
    I know that he has had a really rough time of it, gay men can sometimes not be very nice and haven't been to him...calling him chicken wing and such monstrous things. He has had a lot of rejection all his life. He said that few people saw him, they only see his disability and I understand that places a lot of doubt in his mind about trusting anyone that actually shows him attention.

    He said he just wants to have fun right now and I understand that too...he is, after all, young. Probably too young for me.
  • IrishX

    Posts: 21

    May 12, 2014 1:12 AM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    IrishX saidyeah, but nothing changed between us when we were together. And only last week he asked me if he could come spend a week or two with me...so nothing really came to a quick halt. He just said that I shouldn't expect more than what we have at the moment.


    Well that's great. It means you still have a chance. Just remember he's not where you are just yet. For God's sake, don't tell him you love him again. Don't be offended by this, but it sounds like he might be more emotionally mature than you. I think him wanting to take things slow is really smart and a sign of a stable person. If you're really needy, you'll want to address that (on your own.) Maybe get some therapy to help you be more self reliant and independent. If you don't think you're too needy, then maybe he has intimacy issues.


    No, I'm not, I've backed off of all the emotional talk. I'm normally very emotionally stanch and rarely let my emotions run amuck, but for some reason it happened with him...it shocked me as much as it did him.
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    May 12, 2014 1:15 AM GMT
    IrishX saidI know that he has had a really rough time of it, gay men can sometimes not be very nice and haven't been to him...calling him chicken wing and such monstrous things. He has had a lot of rejection all his life. He said that few people saw him, they only see his disability and I understand that places a lot of doubt in his mind about trusting anyone that actually shows him attention.

    He said he just wants to have fun right now and I understand that too...he is, after all, young. Probably too young for me.


    You keep bringing up the age difference. You haven't stated his age, but unless he's like 18, you might be making it more of a problem than it is. When you keep bringing up a negative like that, it can make the other person start thinking about it and have the effect of indirectly making them believe it is a problem. He already knows your age difference and it obviously isn't an issue for him so stop bringing it up to him.
  • IrishX

    Posts: 21

    May 12, 2014 1:16 AM GMT
    He's 26
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    May 12, 2014 1:20 AM GMT
    Distance has a way of affecting things. How do you think your relationship would be if you were back in the same town?
  • IrishX

    Posts: 21

    May 12, 2014 1:22 AM GMT
    Probably much better....
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    May 12, 2014 1:23 AM GMT
    IrishX said
    Scruffypup said
    IrishX saidyeah, but nothing changed between us when we were together. And only last week he asked me if he could come spend a week or two with me...so nothing really came to a quick halt. He just said that I shouldn't expect more than what we have at the moment.


    Well that's great. It means you still have a chance. Just remember he's not where you are just yet. For God's sake, don't tell him you love him again. Don't be offended by this, but it sounds like he might be more emotionally mature than you. I think him wanting to take things slow is really smart and a sign of a stable person. If you're really needy, you'll want to address that (on your own.) Maybe get some therapy to help you be more self reliant and independent. If you don't think you're too needy, then maybe he has intimacy issues.


    No, I'm not, I've backed off of all the emotional talk. I'm normally very emotionally stanch and rarely let my emotions run amuck, but for some reason it happened with him...it shocked me as much as it did him.


    treasure those moments though, because not a lot of people can say they have found "love"? I'm sure was one of the three words. I would start off slow again, normal conversation, like how things used to be. He might be just overwhelmed with the emotions running through his head, doesn't help that you moved too and could be insecure that you might find someone else, who (in his head) wont have a disability, and was the reason he lashed out. I remember when the guy I was dating said the three words, I was pretty nervous, and I too did shy away from him, I had to recollect my thoughts and emotions and figure it out for myself if I too loved him back.

    best of luck to you.
  • IrishX

    Posts: 21

    May 12, 2014 1:27 AM GMT
    Yeah, I think you are right and hopefully we can find the reset button, press it and go from there.

    Thanks
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    May 12, 2014 1:30 AM GMT
    Pfft. Plenty of 50-something's who want to get with hot 26 year olds probably wouldn't "see" the kid's disability either. In fact, him being too brain damaged to truly consent to anything would be a plus.
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    May 12, 2014 1:31 AM GMT
    Got agree with Andrew on this one! I said I love you to my first boyfriend (he was 50 and I was 20) after three months. Sometimes you just know when it's right to say it, and it's different for everyone! I hope you guys can work it out because you both seem very sweet, but he does seem to be playing it cautious
  • IrishX

    Posts: 21

    May 12, 2014 1:32 AM GMT
    judgingyou saidDon't listen to Scruffypup about the "saying it too soon" shit. It may have been too soon for this specific guy to hear it from you but it doesn't make you emotionally "immature" or anything.
    My boyfriend and I were saying I love you after 2 or 3 months and we've been together for 3 years so far. That doesn't mean either of us aren't smart or stable because we both knew that we are both interested in a monogamous relationship from the start. I am 24 and my boyfriend is 56.

    If nothing's changed between you it sounds like the dude is confused because he's having a relationship with you yet saying he doesn't want a relationship. Honestly, if you have a relationship with him that's actually worth keeping, you should be able to talk about this with him and sort it out instead of coming to semi-strangers on the internet for advice. Obviously just don't say "I love you" again until he expresses that he's ready for it.


    Good for you two! Yeah, on every other level it is, for a lack of a better word, a relationship...we were not seeing other people, at least until I moved back to my home. He still hasn't dated anyone else. So, I am just going to take it slow, keep in touch, invite him to visit and then just see what happens.
  • IrishX

    Posts: 21

    May 12, 2014 1:35 AM GMT
    hentailover saidPfft. Plenty of 50-something's who want to get with hot 26 year olds probably wouldn't "see" the kid's disability either. In fact, him being too brain damaged to truly consent to anything would be a plus.


    First, he has an IQ that is higher than mine and I'm damn smart. Cerebral Palsy is a physical disability, not mental. Since you are completely unaware of the situation and obviously have a vulgar moral character your comment is not only vile but unwarranted.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    May 12, 2014 1:36 AM GMT
    judgingyou said
    hentailover saidPfft. Plenty of 50-something's who want to get with hot 26 year olds probably wouldn't "see" the kid's disability either. In fact, him being too brain damaged to truly consent to anything would be a plus.
    I guess that means you're in luck.
    From hentail's profile: "gonna embarrass myself on the forums, so i'll use another profile for hunting later. Definitely not trying to make forum friends, nor am I taking this seriously at all" Off to a great start. icon_neutral.gif
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    May 12, 2014 1:37 AM GMT
    IrishX said
    hentailover saidPfft. Plenty of 50-something's who want to get with hot 26 year olds probably wouldn't "see" the kid's disability either. In fact, him being too brain damaged to truly consent to anything would be a plus.
    First, he has an IQ that is higher than mine and I'm damn smart. Cerebral Palsy is a physical disability, not mental. Since you are completely unaware of the situation and obviously have a vulgar moral character your comment is not only vile but unwarranted.
    He's just trolling you. Pay him no mind or put him on ignore.
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    May 12, 2014 1:38 AM GMT
    MikeW666 said
    judgingyou said
    hentailover saidPfft. Plenty of 50-something's who want to get with hot 26 year olds probably wouldn't "see" the kid's disability either. In fact, him being too brain damaged to truly consent to anything would be a plus.
    I guess that means you're in luck.
    From hentail's profile: "gonna embarrass myself on the forums, so i'll use another profile for hunting later. Definitely not trying to make forum friends, nor am I taking this seriously at all" Off to a great start. icon_neutral.gif


    Well he certainly is good at it (the bold I put in your post above).
  • IrishX

    Posts: 21

    May 12, 2014 1:39 AM GMT
    I just can't tolerate gay fools, particularly uneducated ones, and there are more than enough of those around.