asking a potential partner about STD's

  • thatdudechris

    Posts: 17

    May 12, 2014 5:07 AM GMT
    Hey guys, I have this problem so I thought I would ask here in a community full of like minded guys.

    So, on Grindr, there are lots of people interested in meeting me. I love going on the lunch or dinner dates with them. But afer thats over, they usually want to fuck. I"m always down for FWB's and sex is fun lol. but, I always lose them when I ask about their status. They say there clean, but I want to see proof validating. Usually i'm like well lets meet up some other time.

    I'm always willing to get tested to prove that I'm clean but they dont seem to want to do the same thing. They say they do, but then a few days later when I ask to meetup again, they usually say they're no longer interested.

    I've lost alot of action from numerous different guys i've met. They lose interest, because they quickly find some other guy to mess with or they just think its weird. Maybe i'm coming off the wrong way. Is this weird to do?? Am I coming off as a jerk? To strict? I usually dont bang on the first date although i wouldnt have a problem doing it if they could prove they were clean...

    I'm asking for honest opinion so dont hold anything back. Should I even bring up that topic? Should I not ask?
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    May 12, 2014 5:17 AM GMT
    Sex with anyone you just met should be safe sex, regardless of what your perceived or actual status is. You know you can have contracted HIV and still test negative months after, right? So what would a piece of paper prove, exactly? Safe sex is still the best way to protect yourself. There are also many STDs that you can contract through skin to skin contact, so a condom won't necessarily protect you against those.

    They're likely turning you down because they can get laid by a lot of people without going to the effort you would like them to go to. You're going to have to wait to find someone who is, and you're probably not going to find him on a hook up app.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 12, 2014 5:21 AM GMT
    Those are your criteria. Stick to them. If a guy doesn't respect that, then they either don't really want to get to know you, or they're not someone you'd want to have sex with anyway.

    You should also realize that even if they get tested for HIV, if it's an antibody test, there's a 3-6 month window where they could have been recently infected but not yet produced antibodies to the virus. With the more expensive and sensitive PCR test, that window is as short as 72 hours to 2 weeks because PCR directly detects viral genetic material. So an HIV- result is not a guarantee the person is actually negative. Like condom use, asking for test results is just another method of risk reduction.

    My suggestion is to stop thinking of these guys as lost opportunities, or that this is something you're doing wrong. Rather, it's what they're not doing for you that is the issue.
  • thatdudechris

    Posts: 17

    May 12, 2014 5:27 AM GMT
    Bunjamon saidSex with anyone you just met should be safe sex, regardless of what your perceived or actual status is. You know you can have contracted HIV and still test negative months after, right? So what would a piece of paper prove, exactly? Safe sex is still the best way to protect yourself. There are also many STDs that you can contract through skin to skin contact, so a condom won't necessarily protect you against those.

    They're likely turning you down because they can get laid by a lot of people without going to the effort you would like them to go to. You're going to have to wait to find someone who is, and you're probably not going to find him on a hook up app.


    Yes i am aware of the window period. Regarding what you said about them being able to find other people i know your right about that. It really hurts and sucks when they tell me that too cause i took interest in them and wanted them for myself lol. Maybe the next date i go on i wont bring it up at all..

    I thought they would see it as a guy whos safe and doesnt slut around. A potential keeper
  • theob

    Posts: 64

    May 12, 2014 5:48 AM GMT
    I'd say you're getting at the truth just by asking them when they last got tested. If they can't come up with an answer to that one really quickly and naturally, they probably haven't gotten tested or don't do it regularly enough to give you a straight answer. The last time I got tested, I didn't get a piece of paper saying I'm negative so I have no idea what to show someone. But just having the conversation, you can tell.

    Where I live, there is one place to go to get tested, so everyone knows that the lady who does the tests has little respect for HIPAA laws and is basically willing to dish about all the gays in the valley. Sad really, but a great litmus test when talking to other dudes about their status. If you know about this gossipy lady, you probably got tested.

    Tests aren't perfect. Nobody really knows if they're negative. If you hooked up with one dude a day after you got your test, you just lost the knowledge the test is supposed to provide. You won't know if he gave you something until 3-6 months after your hookup. So what are you gonna do? Not have sex? Seems like a tall order.

    All you can do is wear a condom and watch out for open sores and other sketchiness that makes contracting an illness easier. Knowing that you're "clean" is awesome but nobody ever really knows. We only know within a certain statistical window. Just don't do risky things with people you hardly know.
  • thatdudechris

    Posts: 17

    May 12, 2014 5:56 AM GMT
    LionEyes said
    thatdudechris said Nobody it's going to come up with recent STD lab results at your request, for a hookup? for even a fuck buddy? no way.

    Forget about "proofs" and wear condoms ALL THE TIME!


    Why so blunt. Lol . I liked that. Makes sense.
  • thatdudechris

    Posts: 17

    May 12, 2014 6:14 AM GMT
    theob saidI'd say you're getting at the truth just by asking them when they last got tested. If they can't come up with an answer to that one really quickly and naturally, they probably haven't gotten tested or don't do it regularly enough to give you a straight answer. The last time I got tested, I didn't get a piece of paper saying I'm negative so I have no idea what to show someone. But just having the conversation, you can tell.

    Where I live, there is one place to go to get tested, so everyone knows that the lady who does the tests has little respect for HIPAA laws and is basically willing to dish about all the gays in the valley. Sad really, but a great litmus test when talking to other dudes about their status. If you know about this gossipy lady, you probably got tested.

    Tests aren't perfect. Nobody really knows if they're negative. If you hooked up with one dude a day after you got your test, you just lost the knowledge the test is supposed to provide. You won't know if he gave you something until 3-6 months after your hookup. So what are you gonna do? Not have sex? Seems like a tall order.

    All you can do is wear a condom and watch out for open sores and other sketchiness that makes contracting an illness easier. Knowing that you're "clean" is awesome but nobody ever really knows. We only know within a certain statistical window. Just don't do risky things with people you hardly know.


    I like your logic. Tbh ive never looked at it that way. Gives me a diferent view/perspective. That sucks about the gossipy lady but makes a funny story. Theres like 4 places here to get tested.
  • tj85016

    Posts: 4123

    May 12, 2014 1:43 PM GMT
    Stick to your guns man. If they can't answer a simple question with a truthful look in their eye, screw 'em. STD's are prevalent for a reason.

    Theob had good points.

    Just ask yourself: Is this guy worth the risk?
  • SuntoryTime

    Posts: 656

    May 12, 2014 2:03 PM GMT
    My advice?

    Most people think HIV is spread mostly because of promiscuity. It's partially the reason but the other primary reason that's never discussed is that guys will have unprotected sex because they believe their partner is too attractive to have HIV, or they think since they've known their partner for a long time, they can just forgo the testing process and have sex because their partner is supposedly trustworthy. Their partner might be trustworthy but maybe they don't know they carry the virus. HIV isn't exactly a loud virus. It's the kind of creature that makes noise after a couple of years of quietly destroying your immune system.

    tl;dr
    Many people get infected in relationships because they didn't think to get tested before going into a condomless monogamous relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 12, 2014 2:11 PM GMT
    thatdudechris said ...the next date i go on i wont bring it up at all. I thought they would see it as a guy whos safe and doesnt slut around. A potential keeper


    dating is not possible on grinder. You should take some time and mix up your experience and with a few dates. Have a profile on other types of web sites. Just put him self out there in another way too.


    the testing is for free and available everywhere. Your partners dont take any effort to care of themselves and are extreme risk! They are possibly at risk for everything in life too. The OP talks about him self in a good way I think he should find it unpleasant to know these people. The OP needs to set standards. It is naive to assume all of gods creations kind lovable and are to spoon.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 12, 2014 3:41 PM GMT
    There's not much I can add except this: please don't use the term "clean" to describe someone who is STI and/or HIV free. While I'm pretty certain it's not your intent, it really is a derogatory term, particularily to people who may be dealing with long-term STI's (like herpes or Hep) or HIV. There is no need to make people feel badly (or "dirty", that being the opposite of "clean") about having said illness. Many of them struggle with the issue on a regular basis, and being told they're "dirty" doesn't help.
  • thatdudechris

    Posts: 17

    May 13, 2014 3:30 AM GMT
    To everyone, If I personally offended you with the word "clean", please understad it was not my intent to do that.. I have recently come out and browing profiles on sites, I notice that this was one of the common words used in their ads.. this is also something people always say in there profiles.. I didnt know it is used a derogatory term.

    If i offended anyone including new people reading this, please accept my apology.