An Encounter In a Gay Bar Comments?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2009 6:07 PM GMT
    Me.......sitting at the bar, joking with the bartenders, feeling great.

    Suddenly out of nowhere, this guy sits next to me, leans into my face, and as he is talking to me, he is unwittingly spitting out chewed up pretzels all over my shirt, even doing me the favor of brushing the crap off me every now and then.

    Him: "I noticed you from across the room and I just had to say that you are the sexiest guy I have seen in a long time.

    Me: (trying to be nice but at the same time not wanting to encourage more chat)...."Thank you....Happy New Year".........as I look away.

    Him: " I usually don't see a guy that looks as good as you and I'm glad to meet you. My name is________. What is your name?

    Me: " Thank you. My name is_____. I hope you are having a good time tonight" ( I am putting out very strong signals that i am not interested, but trying not to be rude)

    Him: I just had to tell you that you are so handsome....so beautiful. I can see why you are so bored with the gay scene"

    Me: What scene? I'm not bored.

    Him: ( he has this stupid big ass grin on his face, and obviously felt he had a right to corner me since he found me attractive. He had nothing to say except how hot he thought I was. No interesting lines, nothing meaningful...as if I should just fall into his arms because HE found ME hot.

    Me: (realizing that i should put a stop to this torture). "Thank you kindly and I appreciate your compliments, but I would prefer to be alone right now, and you are making me nervous"

    Him: That's ok. I just had to tell you what a beauty you are

    Me: " Thanks again and Happy New Year I hope this year is great for you"

    Him: He gets up and leaves. Five minutes later he returns and says " I don't know why you are such a hateful person. Your looks are going to fade and you will be all alone. You shouldn't treat people so badly. Guys like you are shallow and you have no right to dump on other people. We (I guess meaning people who don't look like me) will win in the end. It's guys like you that give gay people a bad reputation."

    Me: (saying nothing, waiting for him to finish his words....knowing full well that even though I wanted to deck him, I shouldn't.

    My point is this......he probably walked away convinced that I ( and other so called good looking guys) are all fucked up, snotty and bad. He probably left feeling very satisfied that his outlook on life is confirmed and true, and probably told this story to a thousand friends who agree with him.

    What would you have done?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2009 6:13 PM GMT
    What you did. Some guy's just can't take "no thanks" for an answer regardless of how polite you are. The fact that he interrupted you and then started spewing food in your face was not an auspicious start on his part.
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    Jan 03, 2009 7:47 PM GMT
    I think the situation was handled correctly. It's just that some guys can't take a hint. Or they're just too drunk to realize their behavior.
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    Jan 03, 2009 8:02 PM GMT
    thanks guys........
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    Jan 03, 2009 8:37 PM GMT
    meh, I wouldn't be bothered... only thing I can say is you could have been a little more upfront with him... I'd want to hit a guy too for spraying pretzels on my shirt!!
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    Jan 03, 2009 9:05 PM GMT
    KissingPro saidWhat would you have done?


    About the same. I actually have frightening flashbacks about drunken guys bothering me (which I'm assuming yours was), and they're one of the few things that scare me about other people.

    When I was 12 I was walking back home all alone on snowy sidewalks from a Christmas Eve midnight church service. My parents were surprisingly permissive with me, even considering the lesser crime where we lived nearly 50 years ago.

    Not far from home 2 adult guys suddenly came out of a house and approached me. I recognized one of them, and he called me by name. This guy was really big & overeweight, and he grabbed me and wouldn't let me pass. His breath and behavior quickly told me he was very drunk.

    He insisted I say hello to "Santa Claus" who was his companion, dressed in the most pathetic Santa outfit you could imagine. He was a little skinny guy, with no padding for his costume, and so drunk he could barely stand, weaving back and forth.

    I said hello to "Santa" but not enthusiastically enough for the big guy. He leaned all over me for support, and I was getting really scared, as he yelled at me for not being nice to Santa. For his own part, Santa said nothing at first, his half-open eyes in a daze. Finally the little guy managed a slurred "I'm Ssssantaaa..."

    Eventually I managed to escape, running the rest of the way home. I told my parents the story, and my father, who was very powerful politically and influential in other ways, visited the big guy who owned that house a couple of days later. And he told him if he ever touched me again he'd be arrested, sent to jail, plus sued for every penny he had. Needless to say, it never happened again, but I'm sure I was traumatized by it.

    Because to this day I begin to regress and lose my nerve when someone obnoxious approaches me like you described, whether they're drunk or not. I try to remain polite & calm, as you were, but I despise anyone who makes me relive that scary memory. And if at some later time they approach me sober, maybe even apologize, it does no good. That's one offense I don't forget, nor forgive.
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    Jan 03, 2009 10:35 PM GMT


    Ugh, that kind of guy must reside in every town. Less resilient than KissingPro, I stood up and excused myself, leaving my chair and standing at the back of the bar where i could see if he was approaching me again so I could move again. No good, he cornered me and said I was like a bird, going from branch to branch, hard to catch, and probably lover to lover too. I asked him if maybe this wasn't getting just a little too personal, and he gave me a little disdainful shove, telling me that whatever happened tonight, I was going to miss out.

    I froze, afraid at what I might blast out at him and at what volume.

    So I left instead. I know I know, but that's just what happened.


    -Doug
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    Jan 03, 2009 11:38 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    Ugh, that kind of guy must reside in every town. Less resilient than KissingPro, I stood up and excused myself, leaving my chair and standing at the back of the bar where i could see if he was approaching me again so I could move again. No good, he cornered me and said I was like a bird, going from branch to branch, hard to catch, and probably lover to lover too. I asked him if maybe this wasn't getting just a little too personal, and he gave me a little disdainful shove, telling me that whatever happened tonight, I was going to miss out.

    I froze, afraid at what I might blast out at him and at what volume.

    So I left instead. I know I know, but that's just what happened.


    -Doug


    Just let me know who it was and I will take care of it.............Seriously...it was astounding to hear this man belittle me and he spoke with absolute certainty and conviction. AND HE WAS NOT DRUNK!........

    It took a tremendous amount of self control not to drag him outside and finish him off.

    SO....a bit of advice to everyone. If you see someone really attractive, don't go up to him and blab about it. Its extremely uncomfortable. In fact, have something else to say......a joke, a story, a cheezy pick up line....WHATEVER! Just don't go up to a guy and expect him to be so flattered by your adulation that he is going to throw himself at you.
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    Jan 03, 2009 11:44 PM GMT
    I dont get why some guys just dont get the hint. Its like you have to spell it out and display it in big neon lights above there head. I was in a club and was coming out the bathroom. A guy started eyeing me up and down saying I looked really nice. Asking me where i was from. I was polite and said I am here with someone. He was just a friend but I said "nice to meet you" and walked away....At the end of the night he tracked me down and wanted to drive me home. I told him I was all set and told him I was on the phone with my boyfriend.
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    Jan 04, 2009 1:25 AM GMT
    I would've asked him if he could go feed elsewhere.

    Seriously though, everyone deserves respect, but it's a two way street. You are under no obligation to engage someone who's invading your space like that.
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    Jan 04, 2009 2:58 AM GMT


    KissingPro said,

    "My point is this......he probably walked away convinced that I ( and other so called good looking guys) are all fucked up, snotty and bad. He probably left feeling very satisfied that his outlook on life is confirmed and true, and probably told this story to a thousand friends who agree with him."

    Bill and I talked a bit about this and you know, HE did a HUGE disservice to any guy trying to get up the nerve to talk to a handsome guy. You know why? Because if you weren't the kind of guy you are, you might have let that guy turn you off of guys approaching you and so loose an opportunity.
    I know this because being single and unsure of my self-confidence, it was an experience that coloured by thoughts a few times after that when a strange guy approached. Apprehension? You bet.

    Guys like that give guys taking a chance at being brave a bad name.

    Even worse was what I thought approaching strangers later on. I immediately wondered if they thought I was a kook like the guy that tried to hit on me in that obnoxious way.

    PS thanks for the offericon_wink.gif, but it was long long ago and I've gained 50 lbs and lotsa muscle since then (though age and gravity are having their ways with it, heheh)


    -Doug
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Jan 04, 2009 3:28 AM GMT
    It would seem that my, um, persuer was a bit more agressive, but it would seem I would have decked him.

    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/265361/

    I think more than anything, it was someone who had enough drinks to be confident (give the guy credit) and too many to truely know what he was doing, both when he approached you and when he explained to you what he thought of your actions. Nothing more.
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    Jan 04, 2009 3:28 AM GMT
    KissingPro saidMe.......sitting at the bar, joking with the bartenders, feeling great.

    Suddenly out of nowhere, this guy sits next to me, leans into my face, and as he is talking to me, he is unwittingly spitting out chewed up pretzels all over my shirt, even doing me the favor of brushing the crap off me every now and then.

    Him: "I noticed you from across the room and I just had to say that you are the sexiest guy I have seen in a long time.

    Me: (trying to be nice but at the same time not wanting to encourage more chat)...."Thank you....Happy New Year".........as I look away.

    Him: " I usually don't see a guy that looks as good as you and I'm glad to meet you. My name is________. What is your name?

    Me: " Thank you. My name is_____. I hope you are having a good time tonight" ( I am putting out very strong signals that i am not interested, but trying not to be rude)

    Him: I just had to tell you that you are so handsome....so beautiful. I can see why you are so bored with the gay scene"

    Me: What scene? I'm not bored.

    Him: ( he has this stupid big ass grin on his face, and obviously felt he had a right to corner me since he found me attractive. He had nothing to say except how hot he thought I was. No interesting lines, nothing meaningful...as if I should just fall into his arms because HE found ME hot.

    Me: (realizing that i should put a stop to this torture). "Thank you kindly and I appreciate your compliments, but I would prefer to be alone right now, and you are making me nervous"

    Him: That's ok. I just had to tell you what a beauty you are

    Me: " Thanks again and Happy New Year I hope this year is great for you"

    Him: He gets up and leaves. Five minutes later he returns and says " I don't know why you are such a hateful person. Your looks are going to fade and you will be all alone. You shouldn't treat people so badly. Guys like you are shallow and you have no right to dump on other people. We (I guess meaning people who don't look like me) will win in the end. It's guys like you that give gay people a bad reputation."

    Me: (saying nothing, waiting for him to finish his words....knowing full well that even though I wanted to deck him, I shouldn't.

    My point is this......he probably walked away convinced that I ( and other so called good looking guys) are all fucked up, snotty and bad. He probably left feeling very satisfied that his outlook on life is confirmed and true, and probably told this story to a thousand friends who agree with him.

    What would you have done?



    there's pretzels at your bar? the day i see a bar in weho with snack...I'll die! i would eat them all!
  • sracer

    Posts: 142

    Jan 04, 2009 3:32 AM GMT
    after he spit the food on me I would have told him to "Go Away!" And thats all I would say to him.
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    Feb 10, 2009 5:10 PM GMT
    At least he wasn't munching on Cheez Doodles.
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    Feb 10, 2009 5:17 PM GMT
    I would have gotten up and moved after the shower!
  • farmguytn

    Posts: 15

    Feb 10, 2009 5:28 PM GMT
    I think you went well above what I would have to rid myself of him.. I would have probably gone home after that experience.

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    Feb 10, 2009 5:52 PM GMT
    I would have said "thanks again for the kind words, sorry I have given off a bad impression. Have a good night" and not thought about it much beyond that. In your case , however, I would have said "Thanks, now I have another opportunity to post a public thread about how hot I am to others. P.s., is it good if someone calls me a stud? I am confused."

    If he was spitting pretzels all over me, I would have excused myself rather than wait for him to to take a hint. Suffering fools is never something I have done gladly unless I am being paid. You should expect to have to be transient and move around when you are out at a bar. You can return to your favorite seat after he has left. There are ticking time bombs in every bar and learning a proper exit strategy is a necessary skill to master if you are going to go out.

    I am not sure why some random gays opinion , especially out at a bar, would matter much.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 10, 2009 6:16 PM GMT
    Well you were right in the beginning to have been polite but making it clear you had no interest in him. I have a way out really fast...when he brought up the comments about my looks.... "My bf thought so too, 10 years ago".

    When he returned and launched the way he did.... I would have realized that the man had some real issues (if I hadn't already). I too, would have tried to
    maintain some reason, "I'm sorry you feel that way, have a great night" might have been my response. There would have been a response, there would be no way I'd have let that pass. I would have done my damnest to have been reasonable although my demeanor might have given it all away.
    I would have wanted him away from me and my non verbal communication
    sometimes reads better than what I say.
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    Feb 10, 2009 6:21 PM GMT
    Called the amubulance..so they could remove my boot from his ass.
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    Feb 10, 2009 6:27 PM GMT
    I probably would have wandered off after he left. If he approached me again telling me I'm hateful and my looks are going to fade I probably would have been very blunt with him.
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    Feb 10, 2009 6:39 PM GMT
    You are a saint! The spitting of pretzels would have done it for me. I more then likely would have gotten up, to clear myself from the range of the pretzel shower, and replied, thank you I appreciate your comments but I'm really not interested, have a nice night though and happy hunting. Most of the time that kind of directness, with just a touch of being friendly about it, usually works. When it doesn't I call the bouncers and have the jackass removed. (I had to promise security that I would call them before I held anymore dickheads over the edge of the second story balcony.)
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    Oct 16, 2011 12:33 AM GMT
    KissingPro said

    Him: ( he has this stupid big ass grin on his face, and obviously felt he had a right to corner me since he found me attractive. He had nothing to say except how hot he thought I was. No interesting lines, nothing meaningful...as if I should just fall into his arms because HE found ME hot.

    Me: (realizing that i should put a stop to this torture). "Thank you kindly and I appreciate your compliments, but I would prefer to be alone right now, and you are making me nervous"

    Him: That's ok. I just had to tell you what a beauty you are

    Me: " Thanks again and Happy New Year I hope this year is great for you"

    Him: He gets up and leaves. Five minutes later he returns and says " I don't know why you are such a hateful person. Your looks are going to fade and you will be all alone. You shouldn't treat people so badly. Guys like you are shallow and you have no right to dump on other people. We (I guess meaning people who don't look like me) will win in the end. It's guys like you that give gay people a bad reputation."

    Me: (saying nothing, waiting for him to finish his words....knowing full well that even though I wanted to deck him, I shouldn't.

    My point is this......he probably walked away convinced that I ( and other so called good looking guys) are all fucked up, snotty and bad. He probably left feeling very satisfied that his outlook on life is confirmed and true, and probably told this story to a thousand friends who agree with him.

    What would you have done?


    This! This is what I've been looking for.

    Recently started going out to gay bars and, without fail, a guy I'm not interested in comes up to me professing pretty much the same lines you heard. Even though I tell them I appreciate it, I have a hard time letting them know I'm not likewise interested and I end up letting the torture persist for an 30 minutes or more. Which makes for a much more draining night than I went out for.

    I'm thinking you reacted the best way you could have reacted, in terms of kindly and gently communicating your lack of interest while making sure you definitely got the point across.

    Also...

    Phoenix-Down-foo.jpg
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    Oct 16, 2011 1:35 AM GMT
    I would have smiled and walked away mid-sentence when he approached me the second time. I wouldn't have even been polite enough to sit there and listen.
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    Oct 16, 2011 1:36 AM GMT
    I hate guys like that, they insult you, just because you're not into them, how immature can you get? icon_rolleyes.gif