Just some opinions sought...

  • davidchill45

    Posts: 55

    May 13, 2014 8:51 PM GMT
    I'm just curious for opinions, that's all--

    I'm in a long-distance relationship (my second), and, while I really don't have a problem with an LDR categorically (obviously), I'm also a realist; I realize that that it takes a certain amount of work (for lack of a better word)--simply due to the fact that you don't see each other every day--even if you're actually working towards living together, and share those aspirations.

    My question is this (and maybe it's just my small sampling of dating, so bear that in mind)--is there a certain "herd" or "posse" mentality that many gay men share? It just seems like there's this huge amount of importance placed on "hanging out with the fellas" (and ladies too) constantly--dinner every night--movies, events, this, that--the other.

    And, when I look at this stuff in total--it comes at the expense of cultivating the relationship with one person right in front of you--you know, the other guy (being me) that's NOT doing all that stuff, day in, day out.

    Maybe it's the cliche' "if he doesn't make you a priority now, he never will"--or, maybe I'm the one who has a skewed expectation of what it takes to make a relationship work--long distance, or around the block.

    It just seems to me that--like I said--there's this constant need to be "in the group" of a large percentage of the gay population--and, it just seems to be oddly "all encompassing" to some guys (without them even realizing it).

    Or, maybe it's just me, and I don't have a life--that's possible too I guess, lol.

    Anyway, feedback appreciated--and, play nice, don't jump down my throat. It's a discussion forum, not West Side Story.
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    May 13, 2014 9:06 PM GMT
    There's straight people like that too but I get what you mean. I rarely if ever go out on a work night whereas I know loads of people that do go out and go somewhere every night after work. At best I'll invite someone over for a cup of tea. I don't understand the need to be sociable all of the time so you're not the only one.
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    May 13, 2014 11:32 PM GMT
    if you live in a small apartment in nyc you might go out every day.

    if your work or school is not that demanding (this is good) and you have no home projects again you might be inclined to go out more often too
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    May 14, 2014 3:22 AM GMT
    It sounds like you're two different guys with varying interests. One is more outgoing and sociable, has a steady circle (or multiple circles) of friends, attends the local events, likes to go out and the other is more of a homebody, prefers the independence, work 'around the house', etc. To say that these two types of people only exist within the gay realm of men is a bit exclusionary; people are people. Some work well together... others, not so much, as we all may find out at some point or another.

    That goes without saying, I would also extend your statement, that a large percentage of the gay population feels the need to be apart of the "in group" to include all of the population. People generally want approval, acknowledgement, acceptance and affirmation from their peers, while of course the exceptions deviate from the mean in varying degrees.

    I dont know your guy and I dont know you, or what exactly your expectations are out of a long distance relationship and the efforts it takes to 'make it work' - but first I would find out if he could be as social as he is AND meet your expectations, with as little amount of sacrifice as possible. I would talk with him about this as non-hostile as possible; you dont want to turn yourself into a 'bad guy'. I would really recommend seeing if these problems could be rectified sooner than later; it won't last long in any meaningful way if you both are not on the same page. It is possible that you both just have two different ideas of the same thing - where you expect to see him (hypothetically) once or twice a week whereas he expects to see you once every two weeks (if that).

    On that note, maybe it is that you both are simply not on the same page. Perhaps right now, he's more interested in other things and not the dedication required to making a long-distance, long-term relationship work out.
  • agro

    Posts: 199

    May 14, 2014 9:34 AM GMT
    Hey, I just got into a relationship with a similar kind of story. My guy goes out basically every night whereas I'm content to stay in and play video games/read blogs/watch TV/cook.

    I don't think it's a gay thing, I think it's just a people thing. I'm curious to know, does he ever invite you to hang out with him and his friends?