How to come out to homophobic family?

  • mladri

    Posts: 264

    May 14, 2014 3:03 PM GMT
    Hi there guys.

    I'm almost 23 years old, and for the last few weeks I really wanna come out to my family. I live in a very homophobic family, and I heard my dad few times when I was younger that he would kick me out of the house if he find out that I'm gay.

    It is really hard sometimes, because I don't have anyone to talk with about my problem, except with one friend who lives in Philly.
    I just wanna have a "normal" and happy life, but I'm to afraid that I will lost my family.
    Do you guys have any advice how can I do that?





    I just wanna be happy, I'm not asking to much.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 14, 2014 3:19 PM GMT
    Unless you are fully prepared for the worst possible outcome, do not come out.

    I realize you want to get this burden off your chest, but you need to think carefully about how your family could react. What are the possible outcomes--not just the most likely outcome--and how well could you cope with their reaction? For example, if the worst you think they'd do is kick you out, are you ready to be kicked out? Do you have a place to go? Are you self sufficient? Are your possessions gathered?

    If the worst they might do is physically harm you, then you better not tell them by yourself. Get a trusted friend to be there or send a letter.

    If the worst they might do is cry and give you a hard time, then are you ready for dealing with that change in your relationship with them? It could be years...if ever...before they can come to an understanding.

    There are so many ways this could go down. Are you sure you are ready for it? You might never see them again, for example. It may be overwhelming to think of and prepare for all the bad ways this could turn out, and in many cases this is what causes so many guys to not come out at all, but usually the first step in coming out to others is to tell those people who you believe will support you and are capable of expressing that support when you need it. You need to collect allies on your side. Then you work toward harder cases.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 14, 2014 3:33 PM GMT
    You should sue them for breaking a social contract. I would haul their respective ass into court. Bring them before a judge and humiliate them in the light of public opinion. Don't they know we're going to win this thing?

    Sorry for you man. I think anyone here would tell you don't come out if you are still financially dependent upon them. Let them pay for school, a graduation car and the down payment on your first house before you say anything, the least they can do to make up for betraying that bond.

    You can't make someone be who they are not. All you can do is live your life and hope they find a way to live their heart. It's horrible that family would treat family so terribly. Family ought to be a place to practice finding the love in the world not for producing hate.

    Few of us advertise our sexuality to everyone we meet so it's not hypocritical to not tell them because not wanting to lose them has value. Sometimes we let others live their delusions, particularly when the light of day might blind them. So not telling them can be nothing more than an existential stance of letting them find their own way. Hopefully in the gay or gay friendly communities, among friends you make there, you can satisfy your need to be known for yourself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 14, 2014 3:52 PM GMT
    When I came out to my parents they threatened to kick me out of the house, but they never did. They never mention it at all anymore and have chilled out about me being gay. I think if your parents truly love you they won't kick you out of the house. But nobody knows what would happen if you came out to them... You just have to take a risk and come out, honestly.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 14, 2014 4:14 PM GMT
    Yea, if your parents are that way, chances are they will push that through one means or another.

    Gay people didn't exist where I'm from so, I dunno... DL and/or closet only.. If I didn't maybe my parents would of paid for me to go to school and stuff? I'm kinda glad they didn't now though; I'm a lot better off without them and that burden of confusion and doubt - poverty and all considered. Taking care of myself made and makes me feel like a better happier person... A similar friend bought a house on her own and went to law school.. A lot of people will sacrifice themselves for proprietal priveleges. Those priveleges are still attainable if you want them though, may not be readily available.

    Things and relationships are complex; maybe they already know? You know best as is your situation.

    So, there is not really a way... You already know you are responsible for your happiness so, see where they fit into that? Go from there -


    Read poem by Robert Frost? The Road Not Taken

    Thats the title if I remember correctly.
  • mladri

    Posts: 264

    May 14, 2014 5:09 PM GMT
    I really appreciate your advices guys. Thanks a lot icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 14, 2014 5:38 PM GMT
    You got some very different perspectives which pretty much comes down to....

    what Snaz said that...You know best as is your situation...


    Guys with entrepreneurial skills can go off with nothing and wind up shining. Other guys are crushed by loss of family love.

    You're a young man who can probably make it on his own but we know that still so many kids are just thrown away by their families. So as much as you might desire to put your life in their face, or as right as that is or should be, sometimes discretion is the better part of not destroying your family life. And as Snaz notes, only you know those particulars.

    What we do know is that families still throw us away. Bravery is wonderful but it can backfire. Hopefully yours will keep you.

    http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2012/07/12/515641/study-40-percent-of-homeless-youth-are-lgbt-family-rejection-is-leading-cause/
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 14, 2014 6:01 PM GMT
    Maybe it isn't necessary right now. Love your life and cross that bridge when you get to it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 14, 2014 7:56 PM GMT
    heropup saidUnless you are fully prepared for the worst possible outcome, do not come out.

    I realize you want to get this burden off your chest, but you need to think carefully about how your family could react. What are the possible outcomes--not just the most likely outcome--and how well could you cope with their reaction? For example, if the worst you think they'd do is kick you out, are you ready to be kicked out? Do you have a place to go? Are you self sufficient? Are your possessions gathered?

    If the worst they might do is physically harm you, then you better not tell them by yourself. Get a trusted friend to be there or send a letter.

    If the worst they might do is cry and give you a hard time, then are you ready for dealing with that change in your relationship with them? It could be years...if ever...before they can come to an understanding.

    There are so many ways this could go down. Are you sure you are ready for it? You might never see them again, for example. It may be overwhelming to think of and prepare for all the bad ways this could turn out, and in many cases this is what causes so many guys to not come out at all, but usually the first step in coming out to others is to tell those people who you believe will support you and are capable of expressing that support when you need it. You need to collect allies on your side. Then you work toward harder cases.

    Some very good points in this posting. You need to prepare yourself for the worst and hope for the best. The old saying 'The only thing to fear is fear itself' is applicable here. Those fears will never go away, not tomorrow nor the next day. The chance of losing all your family will always exist, today and tomorrow. You can't change how others react or what they believe, you can only prepare yourself in a way that you can continually better yourself, with or without them. Be prepared to go it alone, have your ducks in a row, ensure you have the best support system you can ever imagine. Then when you feel the time is right, when you've gone beyond where you're willing to live with the lies, when you're willing to risk it all because the alternative of living a new life, perhaps alone, is better than living the lies with people who really may not unconditionally love you, then you will be prepared to move forward.

    Rome was not built in a day, think this one through and always, always, know part of your support system is right here! Big HUGS!!!!
  • mladri

    Posts: 264

    May 16, 2014 10:56 AM GMT
    Thank you guys for your advices. I can't believe how many support messages I got in the last few days icon_smile.gif

    That really put a smile on my face.

    I told one of my closest friend and his reaction was rally good. I feel a little better now ;)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 16, 2014 11:26 AM GMT
    S L O W L Y!

    I had it all mapped out, I came out in the 70s. I moved out of my little home town to the "Big City" of Minneapolis. I told my brother-in-law first as a test. They lived nearby. One because I hate lying about seeing Marcia, when I was going to Gay bars. I had my own apartment, car and job. If I was to be estranged there was nothing they could do to me. It wasn't like I had a trust fund to worry about lol.

    Expect totally opposite reactions from what you expect! My "liberal" sister never did well with it, but Harold (above) was cool. My red-neck brother has been 100% supportive....He and my dad spent time (at different times) at the Gay Bar I worked at in San Diego....too much time! I couldn't get them out of there!

    I come from a big Catholic family, 8 kids. I didn't tell mom until my brother had a boy to pass on the family name. It matters to some parents.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 16, 2014 1:44 PM GMT
    if parents dont know their son daughter is gay after living with them some odd 20+ years there has to be some strong denial between them. They are not going to be an emotional asset to you. For example; you cant tell them who you met at the bar last Friday evening and that he called you back for a date.

    Parents dont sleep in your bed. Dont invite them in there. You need to go with the situation that gives you the best husband or wife and the most stable household. Your parents will not be able to speak with knowledge on your sexuality because they have been in their closet so long.

    your dont owe your parents as much as you think. Keep things on an even keel and the college checks will continue to stream in. Finish what you need to do to stand on your own two feet. Than one family thanksgiving dinner bring your husband by to meet your parents. Your parents will possibly need your help and appreciation when your like 45. You got time, dont totally burn up bridges.
  • itsjojobxtch

    Posts: 27

    May 19, 2014 3:41 PM GMT
    I had a friend who was in a similar situation. She waited until she moved out of her parents' house before coming out to her family. Wait until you move out so that if they reject you at least you can take care of yourself. Hopefully, they will learn to accept it with time and eventually stop hating you. Then again, there's no need to rush ... If you don't feel utterly ready then don't come out yet. Good luck ! icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2014 3:48 PM GMT
    There's no right or wrong answer. Only you know your situation, and only you can adjust it to fit your needs.

    That said, it's great you came out to your friend. Hopefully that'll be the seed you needed to plant in order to grow the balls you need to come out to your family.

    Good luck! icon_biggrin.gif
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    May 19, 2014 4:01 PM GMT
    If you're financially dependent on them AND still in school, just stay closeted at home. If you're financially dependent on them and out of school, move out and take charge of your life in all ways, especially financially. You can tell them or let them find out over time. They will be shocked but respect you. If you're not dependent on them and living outside the home, tell them this is who you are. They can love you or cling to their cruel ways. Take charge. Your life is yours. I know you fear the loss of their love, but trust me. By not telling them, you will grow apart and become estranged. You will lose them anyway. Being out is the only way to go these days. Be a strong man.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 19, 2014 8:03 PM GMT
    Wait until you can support yourself and have your own place until you tell them. At this point in your life do they really need to know where you like to stick your dick for sexual satisfaction?

    Chances are your parents have already figured it out. Your dad saying that he "would kick [you] out of the house if he [found] out that [you were] gay." was a warning shot across your bow to keep you from upsetting his apple cart with a formal announcement of what he already suspected.

    No one wants their worst fears confirmed.

    Keep quiet until you can get out and support yourself. If needs be get two jobs. Get roommates to share expenses. Get out and live your life on your own terms. (I wish someone would have given me that advice when I was your age.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    May 20, 2014 2:50 AM GMT
    I was outed to my parents when I was 20 whereupon they disowned me. However, I was living about 200 miles away from them so that helped. Unfortunately, I had no support from anywhere (it was in 1959) so that made things very difficult.

    As others have said, do not come out to your parents until you are no longer living with them and no longer financially dependent on them. If there is a strong negative reaction and you have trouble dealing with it, cut off all contact with them until you get your emotions under control else their constant negative statements will just make things harder for you. Resume normal communication with them only after they stop putting you down.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2014 2:54 AM GMT
    HA!

    Grab 'em by the throat(s), swing on a mink cape and tell them all to deal with it.

    DONE.

    icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2014 3:14 AM GMT
    I came out at the age of 18 and now I kinda regretted. Ever since I came out of the closest, my parents won't stop mentioning about me getting a girlfriend and saying what is right and what is wrong. Also, almost a guarantee lecture from him every time I sit in the car with him about I should get a girlfriend, and get MARRIED SOON. Like wtf.icon_evil.gif
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4865

    May 20, 2014 3:15 AM GMT
    JustRemember saidI came out at the age of 18 and now I kinda regretted. Ever since I came out of the closest, my parents won't stop mentioning about me getting a girlfriend and saying what is right and what is wrong. Also, almost a guarantee lecture from him every time I sit in the car with him about I should get a girlfriend, and get MARRIED SOON. Like wtf.icon_evil.gif


    Tell them that you'll marry a girl only if the two of you have separate bedrooms.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2014 3:21 AM GMT
    Maybe you could start with this...

    im_not_gay_but_20_is_20_t_shirts-r263443

    Thats only an idea icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2014 3:47 AM GMT
    FRE0 said
    JustRemember saidI came out at the age of 18 and now I kinda regretted. Ever since I came out of the closest, my parents won't stop mentioning about me getting a girlfriend and saying what is right and what is wrong. Also, almost a guarantee lecture from him every time I sit in the car with him about I should get a girlfriend, and get MARRIED SOON. Like wtf.icon_evil.gif


    Tell them that you'll marry a girl only if the two of you have separate bedrooms.

    What's the point of it..
  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 511

    May 20, 2014 6:58 AM GMT
    It sounds as if your parents, at least your dad, already suspects it if he were to make that comment. I can't presume to know your family, but I'd guess that if they were really homophobic to the point of disowning you or becoming violent, you wouldn't care so much about maintaining a relationship with them. It's never healthy to live in denial or fear. I couldn't tell exactly where you are, but there are certainly hotlines and online resources for support groups.

    My advice is just tell them. Rip it off like a bandaid and start building a honest relationship with them. I think many parents fear their child becoming a stereotype they see on TV. That when you come out as gay, even they they suspect you are, the very act of coming out means you transition to a drag queen, start talking with a lisp, and snort coke while getting gang banged in bathroom stalls. By coming out and living an authentic life, you can dispel many of those stereotypes, or at least, give context to the ones that you might fit into.

    Don't let others dictate your story. There will always be a reason not to say something. In the grand scheme, this is so small. Live your life and help your family be a part of it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2014 4:24 PM GMT
    MarvelClimber said...In the grand scheme, this is so small...


    I couldn't disagree more. The "grand scheme" (whatever that is) isn't what's at stake here, but this is HUGE in his individual "grand scheme" and requires a bit more finesse than ripping off a band aid. His and every other gay man's coming out needs to be when it is the right time for them, first and foremost, and the ones they love the most secondly.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 20, 2014 5:46 PM GMT
    JustRemember saidI came out at the age of 18 and now I kinda regretted. Ever since I came out of the closest, my parents won't stop mentioning about me getting a girlfriend and saying what is right and what is wrong. Also, almost a guarantee lecture from him every time I sit in the car with him about I should get a girlfriend, and get MARRIED SOON. Like wtf.icon_evil.gif


    Coming out is a very big deal. In general, I do not recommend anyone coming out to their parents until they are self sufficient and are supporting themselves away from the family home, unless they know they have very supportive, liberal-minded parents who will be accepting.