My roommate's gf outed me in front of everyone

  • Nearon

    Posts: 56

    May 17, 2014 4:54 PM GMT
    So it was myself, my roommate, his girlfriend and like 5 of his other friends in my our room. I'm just sitting on my bed, minding my own free damn business...then my roommate's gf starts asking me about finals etc. then the conversation turned to boys (first of all, I didn't even know she knew I was gay....but im guessing my roommate ran his mouth) and she asked me if I met any cute guys this semester. At this point everyone is staring at me and I just get flustered and leave the room. She ambushed me when I am not completely out yet. Now once I got back everyone was gone but I know they'll be backicon_neutral.gif
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    May 17, 2014 4:57 PM GMT
    Talk to your roommate first and find out how they reacted. Not that they had the right to react badly, but you will feel better for knowing. Then take it from there. Also the girlfriend needs to apologise!
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    May 17, 2014 4:58 PM GMT
    Maybe she didn't know you were out to only a few people?
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    May 17, 2014 4:58 PM GMT
    This might be a great time to consider coming out. Your friends will all know and my guess is no one will care. At this point, I think you get more respect by being openly out than a closet case that everyone knows is gay.
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    May 17, 2014 4:59 PM GMT
    I'm sorry to hear that.
    I've just started to come out in the last few months.
    It's a bit nerve wracking. But also freeing.
    I hope in your situation you're not in any danger physically or of getting financially cut off by family.
    If your roommate ran his mouth he may not have told her that you weren't out.
    It's tough being out to some but not all, because you lose control of the information.
    I'm gearing up to tell my mama. I don't want to, but I'd hate for her to find out from someone else.
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    May 17, 2014 5:24 PM GMT
    Thats too bad. That is something personal and for you to decide when and where. Tell her to mind her own fucking business…
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    May 17, 2014 5:38 PM GMT
    I was outed 2nd year college. I came out to my roommate of two years discreetly. We had, I thought, a good conversation about it and I was feeling okay but by the next day everyone knew. We lived in an off-campus, dorm style 13-story building and our floor was one of the party floors so there was no escaping it.

    In hindsight, everyone was quite cool about it--not one bad word said to me--and that was back in the 70s. In fact, looking back, I'm pretty sure some of the guys were hitting on me but I didn't have the nerve to act on it then. I had first come out in my last high school but lost most of my friends so that still stung a bit. Not a terribly big deal now as many friends from as far back as grade school remain my friend. But at the time, even though I was only at that last school a short while, it hurt.

    So I tried to stay calm when my roommate fucked me over like that. But I did change schools, rationalizing to myself that this school didn't have the courses I wanted but I kind of knew I was just distancing myself from the outing.

    From that point on, at my new school and in life, I've purposely never befriended anyone without them knowing. Being out isn't bad. Coming out sucks.
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    May 17, 2014 5:46 PM GMT
    It's unfortunate for you, but sometimes in your coming out process, the word sometimes gets out ahead of you. We've all experienced it and really, what's the big deal? You have undoubtedly sometime in your life discussed who is dating who among your heterosexual friends and in doing so, without ever using the words straight, just as this girl did not use the word gay, outed them as heterosexual. If this girl had walked in and asked a straight guy in the room if he had met any cute girls this semester, nobody would think it was a big deal and nobody would be acting at the "horror" of being outed. That's just the routine kind of discussion people have in social situations. If we really want to be treated equally to straight people, then we have to get used to truly being treated equally. When you act as if it is something to be ashamed of and expect others to not engage in the same type of conversation they have with other straight people, you are giving them permission to treat it as if it is something you should be ashamed of.
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    May 17, 2014 6:08 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidThis might be a great time to consider coming out. Your friends will all know and my guess is no one will care. At this point, I think you get more respect by being openly out than a closet case that everyone knows is gay.


    It sucks being outed; I know because I was outed on different occasions to different people but I agree that this might be the perfect time to find out how they reacted and maybe they didn't even care.
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    May 17, 2014 6:09 PM GMT
    you'll be okay, hang in there
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    May 17, 2014 6:15 PM GMT
    When i was working somewhere the administration staff was handing round the equality form we all had our details on and someone saw what i had ticked and shouted out in front of a office of about 15 people, i just shyly said yeah and she said omg i am so sorry Dennis and the boss took me out side the office and asked did i want to make a complaint as the admin could lose their job for handing the page around i said no im not complaining as i aint into letting someone lose their job regarless of their mistake, the girl who shouted it out came to me and arms around me said im so sorry.

    My advice keep things calm and talk to your room mate first.
  • killercliche

    Posts: 948

    May 17, 2014 6:43 PM GMT
    Dennis89 saidWhen i was working somewhere the administration staff was handing round the equality form we all had our details on and someone saw what i had ticked and shouted out in front of a office of about 15 people, i just shyly said yeah and she said omg i am so sorry Dennis and the boss took me out side the office and asked did i want to make a complaint as the admin could lose their job for handing the page around i said no im not complaining as i aint into letting someone lose their job regarless of their mistake, the girl who shouted it out came to me and arms around me said im so sorry.

    My advice keep things calm and talk to your room mate first.


    fire dat bitch. take her job. then say omg im so sorry.

    #climbindatcorporateladder101
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    May 17, 2014 6:46 PM GMT
    I hate when people do that. Personally, I think they do it on purpose to embarrass you. You should have played it off and told her 'no, why? do you want to set me up with someone?' icon_mad.gif
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    May 17, 2014 6:52 PM GMT
    killercliche said
    Dennis89 saidWhen i was working somewhere the administration staff was handing round the equality form we all had our details on and someone saw what i had ticked and shouted out in front of a office of about 15 people, i just shyly said yeah and she said omg i am so sorry Dennis and the boss took me out side the office and asked did i want to make a complaint as the admin could lose their job for handing the page around i said no im not complaining as i aint into letting someone lose their job regarless of their mistake, the girl who shouted it out came to me and arms around me said im so sorry.

    My advice keep things calm and talk to your room mate first.


    fire dat bitch. take her job. then say omg im so sorry.

    #climbindatcorporateladder101
    Haha to be honest i so could have taken them to the cleaners couldnt i have icon_eek.gif
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    May 17, 2014 8:04 PM GMT
    What happened to you totally sucks. I'm not trying to justify what your roommate's girlfriend did, but maybe she didn't have any other intention but to simply relate to you. She definitely should have exercised better judgement (especially because she didn't get this info from you directly). But, I think she's still better than a homophobic bigot.
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    May 17, 2014 8:06 PM GMT
    sweetyork saidWhat happened to you totally sucks. I'm not trying to justify what your roommate's girlfriend did, but maybe she didn't have any other intention but to simply relate to you. She definitely should have exercised better judgement (especially because she didn't get this info from you directly). But, I think she's still better than a homophobic bigot.
    She should have used common sense really as no matter what the truth is the subject of someone being gay can break someones life apart.
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    May 17, 2014 8:32 PM GMT
    When I was in the process of coming out I told people individually and because of circumstances and alcohol I told the girlfriend of my oldest friends before him. And when I did tell him he was like "Yeah, she told. I'm a bit hurt that you didn't tell me earlier". And I apologised. I don't know if she was in the wrong but generally it seems to me like women might have a slightly different concept of private than guys do.

    And she probably thought she was being nice. But those super super supportive girls in their early twenties can get super super annoying. And inappropriate. She could have wanted to discuss butt stuff with you. Yay.
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    May 17, 2014 8:39 PM GMT
    grofte saidWhen I was in the process of coming out I told people individually and because of circumstances and alcohol I told the girlfriend of my oldest friends before him. And when I did tell him he was like "Yeah, she told. I'm a bit hurt that you didn't tell me earlier". And I apologised. I don't know if she was in the wrong but generally it seems to me like women might have a slightly different concept of private than guys do.

    And she probably thought she was being nice. But those super super supportive girls in their early twenties can get super super annoying. And inappropriate. She could have wanted to discuss butt stuff with you. Yay.

    in bold i agree
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    May 17, 2014 10:35 PM GMT
    Nearon saidSo it was myself, my roommate, his girlfriend and like 5 of his other friends in my our room. I'm just sitting on my bed, minding my own free damn business...then my roommate's gf starts asking me about finals etc. then the conversation turned to boys (first of all, I didn't even know she knew I was gay....but im guessing my roommate ran his mouth) and she asked me if I met any cute guys this semester. At this point everyone is staring at me and I just get flustered and leave the room. She ambushed me when I am not completely out yet. Now once I got back everyone was gone but I know they'll be backicon_neutral.gif


    You should have said yes, you met a cute guy, and that is your roommate (a.k.a her bf).
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    May 17, 2014 10:56 PM GMT
    Stupid woman. I bet she'd freak and be all upset and offended if you did something similar to her.
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    May 17, 2014 11:05 PM GMT
    Dennis89 saidWhen i was working somewhere the administration staff was handing round the equality form we all had our details on and someone saw what i had ticked and shouted out in front of a office of about 15 people, i just shyly said yeah and she said omg i am so sorry Dennis and the boss took me out side the office and asked did i want to make a complaint as the admin could lose their job for handing the page around i said no im not complaining as i aint into letting someone lose their job regarless of their mistake, the girl who shouted it out came to me and arms around me said im so sorry.

    My advice keep things calm and talk to your room mate first.


    wait, like came out eventually? or within the same day of this event?
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    May 18, 2014 1:50 AM GMT
    I'm socked you of all people would over react.

    "Roommate must have told her?"
    guessing they all knew and were cool with it; staring at you to hear about the hot guys' you're crushing on.
    Hetero Sexual Americans soak that stuff up.
  • venue35

    Posts: 4644

    May 18, 2014 2:18 AM GMT
    I usually out myself. I really do not care. I honestly think homosexuality
    Is no biggie. Most of my straight friends don't care .it's my brothers that are homophobic. I really dont care anymore and i think thats what bothers some people. In the year 2014 there are more serious issues going on in the world i think .
    Where you live also plays a big deal in general.
    In greece homos are very surpressed and hide their sexuality...
    In the uk or germany though there is a kind of humour attached to being gay.
    There are literally so many gays that don't hide their sexuality there it's just accepted. The general public doesn't care. I like that so much. I remember my first trip to london seeing so many guys holding hands i was shocked.
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    May 18, 2014 2:56 AM GMT
    Dennis89 saidWhen i was working somewhere the administration staff was handing round the equality form we all had our details on and someone saw what i had ticked and shouted out in front of a office of about 15 people, i just shyly said yeah and she said omg i am so sorry Dennis and the boss took me out side the office and asked did i want to make a complaint as the admin could lose their job for handing the page around i said no im not complaining as i aint into letting someone lose their job regarless of their mistake, the girl who shouted it out came to me and arms around me said im so sorry.

    My advice keep things calm and talk to your room mate first.


    Had I been the employer, I would have proceeded with disciplinary action against the offending employee regardless of whether you wanted to file a complaint or not:

    1. Her behavior not only wronged you, it also was a clear breach of company policy.
    2. Failure to discipline her would leave an impression that such behavior, even if unintentional, is condoned. Other employees might look at the situation and fear that the company will not respect their privacy.
    3. You should not have been put into a situation where you felt like you had to weigh your likeability against the need to hold the offender accountable for her actions. It is not your place to hold the fate of a coworker in your hands.
    4. This person clearly lacks good judgement, discretion, and propriety. As an employer, I would be extremely concerned that such behavior might be indicative of a similar lack of judgment when it comes to her job duties.
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    May 19, 2014 2:12 AM GMT
    Lol whatever you're like 19 it'll be OK.. You could of asked how crabs are treating her like, har har.