Is there any hope left with my bf/ex?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 17, 2014 11:23 PM GMT
    I met my bf on Grindr... not a great place to meet but he was also on other sites that were actually meant for dating... He went on for months and months trying to talk to me and I never talked to him, or I barely talked to him cuz I wasn't that interested... one night he tried talking to me again, and i thought, ok... I'll give this guy a chance. We met, and I obviously fell in love with him or else we wouldn't have been together.

    This was in August 2012. He runs a Tae Kwon Doe school and teaches TKD. He always told me how he handles all the accounting and his business partners never do any of the work... he runs the summer camp for little kids, and he also does a day care (night care) called "ninja night" with little kids on some saturday nights...

    Because i got frustrated with him, I started meeting other guys and hooking up with other guys, cuz I thought that would get him to pay more attention to me.. I told him about it, never lied or kept it a secret, i just wanted him to give me more of his time. It worked, but then he would go back to normal... I did it like 7 times...

    So at the end of march, my bf told me that he just doesn't want all this stress of being in a relationship and wants to take a break. He doesn't want this cycle to keep going, of me hooking up with other guys to make him wanna spend more time with me. He said I have a very special place in his heart and that he doesn't wanna lose me, he wants to AT LEAST stay friends, if not more, and maybe we'll even get married some day, but right now he doesn't wanna be together.

    I got upset and told him I didn't wanna keep talking. He kept pushing me telling me that he wants to at least keep talking. Then all through the month of April I acted desperate, and sad. I said I would change and he said that's not realistic. Then after a few weeks of desperation, he finally decided to see me in person again and went to Starbucks with me. I could still sense that he had feelings for me and he hugged me a few times. We didn't talk about anything relationship related.

    Then I calmed down and decided to give him space... I didn't contact him at all for 2 full weeks. It was really hard but I did it. He still didn't contact me, but he has a big ego and he's really stubborn, so I don't think he would anyway. So I got weak and texted him again last Saturday and told him I missed him and if I could call him sometime soon. He replied with a smiley face and asked how I was, but didn't seem to wanna talk on the phone. Everything seemed like it was when we were together, he made comments on how he thought I was cute. We didn't talk about anything about our relationship. Then i decided not to talk to him too much so we kept it short. The next day I text him about something totally neutral, nothing relationship related, and I got no reply... I asked to call a few hours later, no reply and I left him alone. Monday morning I ask to call later at night... No reply. Monday night I tell him I'm gonna call, 15 minutes beforehand... Again no reply but I call him, no answer. I left no voice message and did not say anything else since then.

    This morning, I didn't text him, but I did send him a "snapchat" of something, totally neutral of some cookies (he knows I love cookies). I thought it would be a good idea to show that I'm not mad or having negative feelings, and it's passive, cuz at least whenever I send snapchats it's passive, i never expect a reply. It shows that he opened and looked at it this morning. But I'm still not gonna text him, I'm still gonna give him more space. But I know he still cares, right?

    I do not want to move on anytime soon, I wanna know what I can still do to maximize my chances of getting him back. It's been a total of 3 weeks of no contact minus that small conversation last Saturday. Am I going in the right direction? I passively signaled too him that I'm not feeling really sad or mad, and I'm still giving him time to himself. I might text him next week, or maybe in 3 weeks... I don't know... Someone give me some hope? Moving on and forgetting about him is NOT an option right now, maybe in a month, but not yet.
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    May 17, 2014 11:54 PM GMT
    You know when guys list "no drama" in their profile???

    "Like, 7 times"--so cute.
    Yeah, move on please...poor guy.
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    May 17, 2014 11:58 PM GMT
    Whoa
    better quote the wall of text--just a hunch.

    bodyboarder725 saidI met my bf on Grindr... not a great place to meet but he was also on other sites that were actually meant for dating... He went on for months and months trying to talk to me and I never talked to him, or I barely talked to him cuz I wasn't that interested... one night he tried talking to me again, and i thought, ok... I'll give this guy a chance. We met, and I obviously fell in love with him or else we wouldn't have been together.

    This was in August 2012. He runs a Tae Kwon Doe school and teaches TKD. He always told me how he handles all the accounting and his business partners never do any of the work... he runs the summer camp for little kids, and he also does a day care (night care) called "ninja night" with little kids on some saturday nights...

    Because i got frustrated with him, I started meeting other guys and hooking up with other guys, cuz I thought that would get him to pay more attention to me.. I told him about it, never lied or kept it a secret, i just wanted him to give me more of his time. It worked, but then he would go back to normal... I did it like 7 times...

    So at the end of march, my bf told me that he just doesn't want all this stress of being in a relationship and wants to take a break. He doesn't want this cycle to keep going, of me hooking up with other guys to make him wanna spend more time with me. He said I have a very special place in his heart and that he doesn't wanna lose me, he wants to AT LEAST stay friends, if not more, and maybe we'll even get married some day, but right now he doesn't wanna be together.

    I got upset and told him I didn't wanna keep talking. He kept pushing me telling me that he wants to at least keep talking. Then all through the month of April I acted desperate, and sad. I said I would change and he said that's not realistic. Then after a few weeks of desperation, he finally decided to see me in person again and went to Starbucks with me. I could still sense that he had feelings for me and he hugged me a few times. We didn't talk about anything relationship related.

    Then I calmed down and decided to give him space... I didn't contact him at all for 2 full weeks. It was really hard but I did it. He still didn't contact me, but he has a big ego and he's really stubborn, so I don't think he would anyway. So I got weak and texted him again last Saturday and told him I missed him and if I could call him sometime soon. He replied with a smiley face and asked how I was, but didn't seem to wanna talk on the phone. Everything seemed like it was when we were together, he made comments on how he thought I was cute. We didn't talk about anything about our relationship. Then i decided not to talk to him too much so we kept it short. The next day I text him about something totally neutral, nothing relationship related, and I got no reply... I asked to call a few hours later, no reply and I left him alone. Monday morning I ask to call later at night... No reply. Monday night I tell him I'm gonna call, 15 minutes beforehand... Again no reply but I call him, no answer. I left no voice message and did not say anything else since then.

    This morning, I didn't text him, but I did send him a "snapchat" of something, totally neutral of some cookies (he knows I love cookies). I thought it would be a good idea to show that I'm not mad or having negative feelings, and it's passive, cuz at least whenever I send snapchats it's passive, i never expect a reply. It shows that he opened and looked at it this morning. But I'm still not gonna text him, I'm still gonna give him more space. But I know he still cares, right?

    I do not want to move on anytime soon, I wanna know what I can still do to maximize my chances of getting him back. It's been a total of 3 weeks of no contact minus that small conversation last Saturday. Am I going in the right direction? I passively signaled too him that I'm not feeling really sad or mad, and I'm still giving him time to himself. I might text him next week, or maybe in 3 weeks... I don't know... Someone give me some hope? Moving on and forgetting about him is NOT an option right now, maybe in a month, but not yet.
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    May 18, 2014 12:31 AM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidYou know when guys list "no drama" in their profile???

    "Like, 7 times"--so cute.
    Yeah, move on please...poor guy.


    Well I should have mentioned that he was always going to concerts and clubs and bars without me on the weekends cuz he was too closeted to introduce me to his friends, so I'm not the only guilty one.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    May 18, 2014 12:31 AM GMT
    I'll give it straight. It sounds like your needy...guys hate a needy guy.You texting him over and over again..This makes him think your relationship is a "fatal attraction". You said to wanted to give him space..DO IT. Wait til he calls you..if he doesn't..Move on..Good Luck.
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    May 18, 2014 12:40 AM GMT
    bodyboarder725 said
    dustin_K_tx saidYou know when guys list "no drama" in their profile???

    "Like, 7 times"--so cute.
    Yeah, move on please...poor guy.


    Well I should have mentioned that he was always going to concerts and clubs and bars without me on the weekends cuz he was too closeted to introduce me to his friends, so I'm not the only guilty one.


    Yes, should have
    You made him out to be an amazing hard working guy that helps children--works so hard he doesn't have time for you, so you act like a douche.
    Him being a closet case is a whole diferent thing.
    It does go a long way to why he's put up with you.
    You; however don't have to put up with it.

    all sound pretty toxic

    Call it what it is: "fuck buddy's" and leave it at that--I do hope you're playing safe.
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    May 18, 2014 12:45 AM GMT
    dustin_K_tx said
    bodyboarder725 said
    dustin_K_tx saidYou know when guys list "no drama" in their profile???

    "Like, 7 times"--so cute.
    Yeah, move on please...poor guy.


    Well I should have mentioned that he was always going to concerts and clubs and bars without me on the weekends cuz he was too closeted to introduce me to his friends, so I'm not the only guilty one.


    Yes, should have
    You made him out to be an amazing hard working guy that helps children--works so hard he doesn't have time for you, so you act like a douche.
    Him being a closet case is a whole diferent thing.
    It does go a long way to why he's put up with you.
    You; however don't have to put up with it.

    all sound pretty toxic

    Call it what it is: "fuck buddy's" and leave it at that--I do hope you're playing safe.


    You know RealJock does have some real bitches like you. I asked for help and advice not some pessimistic effeminate bitching coming from a gay guy insecure about his masculinity.
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    May 18, 2014 12:55 AM GMT
    I'm going be real, you seem very selfish and manipulative. Going out and sleeping with other men to get him to pay attention to you is a mean and manipulative thing to do, you just can't play games with a person's emotions like that. He's out there taking care of business and sometimes, that means that there isn't going to be as much quality time as one would like, but that's a part of life, you are a grown man and needed to handle that with more maturity. He may be closeted and still not comfortable, but that's different than being manipulative.

    It seems that he just has decided that the drama is too much and that he's just not going to pursue anything further. Move on.
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    May 18, 2014 1:03 AM GMT
    James_Thunder_Early saidI'm going be real, you seem very selfish and manipulative. Going out and sleeping with other men to get him to pay attention to you is a mean and manipulative thing to do, you just can't play games with a person's emotions like that. He's out there taking care of business and sometimes, that means that there isn't going to be as much quality time as one would like, but that's a part of life, you are a grown man and needed to handle that with more maturity. He may be closeted and still not comfortable, but that's different than being manipulative.

    It seems that he just has decided that the drama is too much and that he's just not going to pursue anything further. Move on.


    I know what I did was horrible... Ever since he broke up with me I've gone so many nights without sleep, I've lost my appetite, and I've felt extremely empty and depressed -.- I've tried telling him all that so he knows that I really am truly sorry :/

    More details, I have a very low self image, yea I know it doesn't look like it in my pics but all through high school and college I've been too scared to make friends and be comfortable with myself. So one of the reasons I met other guys was cuz I didn't wanna be in my room alone almost every Friday night and weekend -.- I know that's MY problem that I need to fix :/ I just want him to give me one more chance...
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    May 18, 2014 4:20 AM GMT
    The way I see it is that now that the tables have turned, you still think you deserve to be with this guy?

    Maybe it might be hard for you to hear this, but he's absolutely right: you won't change. You're just not mature enough to handle being in a meaningful relationship, and he knows that. You will always seek attention and control but now that you're no longer calling the shots, you can't help but beg for interaction with him. You're needy and manipulative. He's figured out your game and he's had enough.

    Consider the possibility that what he's doing to you right now is exactly what you deserve: he has no intention of getting back with you. He's just acting nice to you to let you down easy. He knows that if he were to take you back, it would only reinforce your neediness and your fucking around, no matter how much you say you've learned your lesson. He would send a message that if you beg enough, you don't have to face the consequences of your immaturity.

    Gay men frequently suffer from this type of power dynamic: they want what they perceive to be someone who is unattainable, so when someone rejects you or plays hard to get, it makes you want them all the more; conversely, the more you chase someone, the more disinterested they get. It's fucked up and immature and stupid, and a lot of gay men have never grown out of this sort of infantile shit.

    The only way you'll learn your lesson is to move on.
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    May 18, 2014 5:19 AM GMT
    attention whore.
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    May 18, 2014 7:07 AM GMT
    heropup saidThe way I see it is that now that the tables have turned, you still think you deserve to be with this guy?

    Maybe it might be hard for you to hear this, but he's absolutely right: you won't change. You're just not mature enough to handle being in a meaningful relationship, and he knows that. You will always seek attention and control but now that you're no longer calling the shots, you can't help but beg for interaction with him. You're needy and manipulative. He's figured out your game and he's had enough.

    Consider the possibility that what he's doing to you right now is exactly what you deserve: he has no intention of getting back with you. He's just acting nice to you to let you down easy. He knows that if he were to take you back, it would only reinforce your neediness and your fucking around, no matter how much you say you've learned your lesson. He would send a message that if you beg enough, you don't have to face the consequences of your immaturity.

    Gay men frequently suffer from this type of power dynamic: they want what they perceive to be someone who is unattainable, so when someone rejects you or plays hard to get, it makes you want them all the more; conversely, the more you chase someone, the more disinterested they get. It's fucked up and immature and stupid, and a lot of gay men have never grown out of this sort of infantile shit.

    The only way you'll learn your lesson is to move on.


    Well whoever said I don't feel like I deserve him anymore... I really wish he could give me a second chance but thinking about this more, I'm starting to think I would actually feel bad if he did give me a second chance. I still want it, but at the same time I want him to see other people... but I STILL want him back -.- I just don't know...

    I've gone every single day for the past month and a half, asking myself over and over again at work, over night, wherever, "WHYYY did I do this??" and I'm still thinking that -.-

    But still... I saw him on average once every 10 or 12 days... I rarely saw him more than once a week... I talked to him on the phone maybe twice a week... we did text every day... but please don't tell me that when we only live 20 minutes apart, that once a week or every 2 weeks is fair to me... Obviously right now, I'm willing to put up with that... but at the time, everyone was telling me that I SHOULD see other people and try to move on from him because they didn't think he genuinely cared about me
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    May 18, 2014 7:48 AM GMT
    Heropup, James_thunder, dustin_K_tx... sounds like you've pegged it pretty well - if a little harsh. However, It sounds like maybe that's what the OP needs now: truth.

    OP, I'm not going to echo the others. You've come here uninhibited seeking advice and it sounds as if you are already paying the price for your mistakes; I've no reason to judge you.

    I don't have any miracle advice, tactics, quick-fixes or constructive- criticisms for you but I do have a story that you may find insightful.

    When I was 18, I had entered into my first serious relationship - and I've made very similar mistakes. I didn't know how to act in a serious relationship, nor was I ever really certain that I wanted one. I didn't know what I wanted and I didn't really know myself the way that I do now. I wasn't extremely popular in high school and after 'coming out' and immersing/redefining myself in the local gay community, I started getting a lot of attention that I didn't know what to do with.

    Soon after later, I met a very lovable guy that adored me. He was very much so "whipped" - he always came when called. And the sex? I still dont think I've met another man that can push my buttons the way he could. Erhm, anyway. At the time, previously, I was very bitter about previous dating/'week long boyfriend' situations with other guys and my attitude was such that I didn't really want a relationship, even though this excellent guy would do anything to be in one with me. I began to discover this while simultaneously entering into a relationship with him and therefor, I was a very whiny, needy, manipulative douche-bag (although, he did have a lot of faults of his own). I did what I wanted and he did what I would tolerate. About two years (and about 6,000 arguments) later, we ended things officially.

    Then we entered into an off/on phase that would last for a few months and end with me wanting him back more than anything - and him not having any of it. There were many sleepless, teary-eyed nights that ensued. I'll quote heropup and I say "The tables have turned". At some point, he had discovered my game and wanted nothing more to do with it from that point on.

    Today, when I think of some of the things I've said to him and some of the ways I've treated him, I literately get nauseous; sick to my stomach in disgust with what I was capable of as a human being. I can hardly even fathom the idea that I was that kind of person. Since then we have made up and occasionally chat just to see 'what's up' in each other's lives, albeit he lives a couple of states away now.

    Words cannot ever express how sorry, embarrassed and ashamed I am for treating such a lovely person with such cruelty. If our conversations ever meander into 'the past' - I still apologize for all of my wrongdoing and I am still amazed by the fact that he has the will to forgive and understand me. He truly is someone that has shown me the beauty in humanity when I cannot find it within myself. This is a very powerful thing.

    If you're still with me, there is a point to the story and my message to you right now is to go beyond the confines of love, drama, relationships and heartache and look deeper into your own soul. You have a lot of mistakes to learn from. You have an outcome that you must own. These are growing pains and you have to grow past them if you want to advance.

    This reflection period for you right now is critical because if you really do love this guy, you really do believe that you deserve a second chance and you really do believe in a future between the two of you, you do NOT want to be the same person you were during the duration of your relationship, should he come back around and give you a second go - or even if you do move on and find another guy at some point.

    I really do wish you luck in getting through this and if nothing else, at least you can rest assured that you're not the only one that has 'been there' before.
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    May 18, 2014 11:12 AM GMT
    I think you should use what you have learned from this to make your next relationship better.
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    May 18, 2014 2:13 PM GMT
    thanks Rolfron
    great story
    yes, a lot of us have been the on one side or the other in such relationships; that you've remained friends is unusual.
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    May 18, 2014 2:48 PM GMT
    I'm not denying that what I've done was absolutely unacceptable... I'm sorry for using so many excuses, but I really am clueless about everything, including relationships, and SOMETIMES I don't know what I should or shouldn't do... so everyone I talked to was trying to make it seem like he was the bad guy and I wasn't doing anything wrong... I felt like I was the one doing everything wrong, but people convinced me that I was the victim...

    You guys are reinforcing my original perspective that I'm the bad guy here... I don't know how he stayed with me for as long as he did but it does make me realize how incredibly loving and caring he was to me. I just hope that maybe somehow it can still work out... I'm hoping that maybe he'll realize that after nearly 2 months (and it might go on for much longer than that), that I'm obviously not just saying I'm sorry just to get him back... but I don't blame him for never wanting to have anything to do with me again...

    I'm NOT listening to other people anymore (the ones who convinced me of being the victim) and I'm just gonna trust my instinct next time...
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    May 18, 2014 5:22 PM GMT
    bodyboarder725 saidI'm not denying that what I've done was absolutely unacceptable...

    I'm NOT listening to other people anymore (the ones who convinced me of being the victim) and I'm just gonna trust my instinct next time...

    And what does your instinct tell you?

    Sounds like he's a very hard-working, focused guy. To blend your life with a guy like that is always a challenge. Even more so if he's closeted.

    Understand his needs and limits, try to share & integrate your roles. Be helpers to each other, insofar as you can. I also need to ask: do you have your own income, can fully support yourself?
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    May 18, 2014 7:00 PM GMT
    I would say there is hope.

    But not for a long time. He needs to learn to dedicate more time to a partner to nurture the relationship. You seem to know what you need to do.

    But it'll take years, not months. Maybe a relationship or two of dating other people. Let it go for now. With any luck you'll meet again in the future and sparks will fly.
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    May 18, 2014 7:00 PM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidthanks Rolfron
    great story
    yes, a lot of us have been the on one side or the other in such relationships; that you've remained friends is unusual.


    As I've said already, he truly is a special person to me - even if we aren't together or passed the idea of being together, I'll never forget what an important role he has played in my life and still continues to play in some ways. I've learned a lot about people through him but more importantly, I've learned a lot about myself. I've painted a pretty nasty picture of our relationship but the moments of love that did exist throughout were the most palpable moments of genuine heart and feeling that I've ever experienced. They were very intense and very bonding, and for that reason, I sort of believe we'll always be bound in some way.

    OP, I'm glad you realize your mistakes and I'm glad you've decided to hear yourself and your own instincts speak. In relationships, we get very caught up in the battle of it all; it's always about who's right, who wins the argument and not so much about the relationship, what would constructively benefit it and compromise. We tell our friends and it's usually their instinct to take our side and reinforce this idea that it's not us, it's them. Your story is all too familiar and it articulates just how challenging the decisions we must make in relationships are. Serious relationships are quite serious and we, as clueless human beings often take them for granted.

    We are not perfect and we all have our lessons to learn - no matter how young or old we are.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    May 18, 2014 7:44 PM GMT
    you're not ready for a relationship, could it be that you just like his money
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    May 18, 2014 7:47 PM GMT
    I make almost as much money as he does... He lives with his parents and I live with mine... I'm 23 and he's 26. I've spent hundreds of dollars on him btw...
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    May 18, 2014 8:16 PM GMT
    Rolfron saidHeropup, James_thunder, dustin_K_tx... sounds like you've pegged it pretty well - if a little harsh. However, It sounds like maybe that's what the OP needs now: truth.

    OP, I'm not going to echo the others. You've come here uninhibited seeking advice and it sounds as if you are already paying the price for your mistakes; I've no reason to judge you.

    I don't have any miracle advice, tactics, quick-fixes or constructive- criticisms for you but I do have a story that you may find insightful.

    When I was 18, I had entered into my first serious relationship - and I've made very similar mistakes. I didn't know how to act in a serious relationship, nor was I ever really certain that I wanted one. I didn't know what I wanted and I didn't really know myself the way that I do now. I wasn't extremely popular in high school and after 'coming out' and immersing/redefining myself in the local gay community, I started getting a lot of attention that I didn't know what to do with.

    Soon after later, I met a very lovable guy that adored me. He was very much so "whipped" - he always came when called. And the sex? I still dont think I've met another man that can push my buttons the way he could. Erhm, anyway. At the time, previously, I was very bitter about previous dating/'week long boyfriend' situations with other guys and my attitude was such that I didn't really want a relationship, even though this excellent guy would do anything to be in one with me. I began to discover this while simultaneously entering into a relationship with him and therefor, I was a very whiny, needy, manipulative douche-bag (although, he did have a lot of faults of his own). I did what I wanted and he did what I would tolerate. About two years (and about 6,000 arguments) later, we ended things officially.

    Then we entered into an off/on phase that would last for a few months and end with me wanting him back more than anything - and him not having any of it. There were many sleepless, teary-eyed nights that ensued. I'll quote heropup and I say "The tables have turned". At some point, he had discovered my game and wanted nothing more to do with it from that point on.

    Today, when I think of some of the things I've said to him and some of the ways I've treated him, I literately get nauseous; sick to my stomach in disgust with what I was capable of as a human being. I can hardly even fathom the idea that I was that kind of person. Since then we have made up and occasionally chat just to see 'what's up' in each other's lives, albeit he lives a couple of states away now.

    Words cannot ever express how sorry, embarrassed and ashamed I am for treating such a lovely person with such cruelty. If our conversations ever meander into 'the past' - I still apologize for all of my wrongdoing and I am still amazed by the fact that he has the will to forgive and understand me. He truly is someone that has shown me the beauty in humanity when I cannot find it within myself. This is a very powerful thing.

    If you're still with me, there is a point to the story and my message to you right now is to go beyond the confines of love, drama, relationships and heartache and look deeper into your own soul. You have a lot of mistakes to learn from. You have an outcome that you must own. These are growing pains and you have to grow past them if you want to advance.

    This reflection period for you right now is critical because if you really do love this guy, you really do believe that you deserve a second chance and you really do believe in a future between the two of you, you do NOT want to be the same person you were during the duration of your relationship, should he come back around and give you a second go - or even if you do move on and find another guy at some point.

    I really do wish you luck in getting through this and if nothing else, at least you can rest assured that you're not the only one that has 'been there' before.


    +1000000
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    May 18, 2014 8:21 PM GMT
    you sound like a bag full of drama that any normal person would flee from.
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    May 19, 2014 5:25 PM GMT
    I'm thinking about advertising his school at work and maybe paying for some forms of advertising... Cuz his school is struggling. But I don't know if that's a good idea... I really really hope he does forgive me and take me back and realize that I am sorry and never wanna do what I did again... But even if he doesn't take me back, I at least want him to forgive me and believe that I do really love him -.- I just don't want him to think that I never truly cared about him
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    May 19, 2014 5:34 PM GMT
    You still sound like a stalker. Give it up, man. If you really do want to end it with some dignity, Send him a SHORT (three lines, max) note of apology. Don't ask for forgiveness, don't ask for anything. Say something like "Sorry for acting like a fool. You were the best thing I've ever known and I blew it. I wish you well in life and with your school. Your friend, ...." Do it on paper, not an email.